Difficult situation - sexual abuse & the in-laws

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BiologyBrain

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I’m in a difficult spot right now. I’ve been having some trouble w/ my MIL. She watches my 16 month old 2 days a week, but completely disregards any instructions I give (ie the pediatrician said he can’t have xx, she gives him xx) and she doesn’t stay in contact with me when she has him. She’s also been ‘teaching’ him about his ‘parts’ by asking him where his weenie is and letting/encouraging him to touch it. Anyway, I’m working through all this with her (hopefully), but now there’s a new issue…

My neice (brother-in-law’s daughter) recently informed her parents & the court system that she’s been sexually abused by her mother’s boyfriend (brother-in-law’s ex-wife) for quite a long period of time. My niece is very attached to my MIL so throughout the ordeal (trying to get custody to my BIL & SIL) she’s spending a lot of time at the house with MIL. The neice is 11.

My concern is that I know my niece is in a difficult situation and needs her grandmother’s support. I have absolutely no problem w/ that whatsoever. However, I’m concerned about my son. When my husband was young he was sexually abused by a cousin, but his mother didn’t believe him. To this day, even though everyone else has confessed and/or agreed that it happened, she refuses to accept it. Anyway, with her attention to my son’s private parts (and calling him to pay attention to it) and the contact with my niece (who’s in a fragile place anyway), I’m concerned something untoward is going to happen. I’m not necessarily saying that either my MIL or niece are going to sexually abuse my son, but I’m concerned about situations being present where things can easily go too far. I’m not sure what my neice’s reaction to the sexual abuse is and how she’s acting out through it. I’ve read some information that seems to indicate that kids who’ve been sexually abused sometimes are promiscuous and/or do things that could be considered sexual abuse to others they’re in a position of power over.

Basically, what it boils down to is this - my niece and son are w/ the MIL alone during the day (2 days a week). I’m not sure what kind of time they (my son & niece) spend together not under direct supervision by my MIL. I’m not that close to my MIL or my niece (my husband’s not close to his family), but we’re trying to make an honest effort to be inclusive and welcoming. Am I worrying needlessly? Is there anything I can do to protect my son (if he even needs protection)?
 
What a horrible situation all around! I will pray for your niece! As for your son, is there anyway you could make other arrangements for him on those 2 days? Even without this new twist, it sounds like she wasn’t taking the best care of him. If you can find a licensed daycare situation then you can simply tell her that you are moving him to ‘be around other kids more’, ‘because it’s closer to work’, or even ‘so she can have more time to help her niece’, but certainly nothing about the potential situation. In the meantime, pray for him when he’s with her. Pray the St. Micheal prayer and ask the angels to watch over him when he is in any potentially dangerous situation
 
Forgive me if I come across as blunt–the plain written word can seem that way–but you’ve got to get your baby out your MIL’s house ASAP. Nothing is more important than him in this situation. You don’t have to say why, but I’d find someone else to care for him or make arrangements to do it myself if he was my child. If nothing is going on it won’t make any difference, but if anything were to happen–well, you want to make sure that it doesn’t. Yes?
 
She encourages a 16 month old to touch his private parts?! …

You need make other arrangements for your son during those 2 days. Seeing how there is so much sexual abuse in that family, you simply can’t take the risk! That kind of thing can damage a person for the rest of their lives. Don’t risk your child’s well being.
 
Della said:
Forgive me if I come across as blunt–the plain written word can seem that way–but you’ve got to get your baby out your MIL’s house ASAP. Nothing is more important than him in this situation. You don’t have to say why, but I’d find someone else to care for him or make arrangements to do it myself if he was my child. If nothing is going on it won’t make any difference, but if anything were to happen–well, you want to make sure that it doesn’t. Yes?
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This pretty much sums it up. Get your baby and get the heck out of there!
 
BiologyBrain said:
She…completely disregards any instructions I give (ie the pediatrician said he can’t have xx, she gives him xx) and she doesn’t stay in contact with me when she has him. She’s also been ‘teaching’ him about his ‘parts’ by asking him where his weenie is and letting/encouraging him to touch it.
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Those first 2 would end it for me. The third would seal the end for sure. The niece’s sad ordeal would just be on top of the rest.
 
Your MIL, until she gets some counseling and deals with the hurricane of sexual abuse that seems to be swirling around her, has no business watching your baby.
 
flyingfish said:
She encourages a 16 month old to touch his private parts?! …

You need make other arrangements for your son during those 2 days. Seeing how there is so much sexual abuse in that family, you simply can’t take the risk! That kind of thing can damage a person for the rest of their lives. Don’t risk your child’s well being.
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Is this your first child? I ask because it may very well be that he is touching his private parts and she is telling him what they are called (in cutesy names). I say this because I have 4 sons between the ages of 6 and 4 months and every single one of them from about 14 month to…well even my 4 year old sometimes now is obsessed with his penis. Ever time I change my 2 year old he immediatly grabs himself and goes “PEEPEE!” “yea yea that’s your PP and what a great PP it is…” lol. Just as my 4 year old use to (my first didn’t do this) he falls asleep at night holding himself.

I’m 100% certain that none of my boys have been abused, it’s just that little boys are often fascinated with their peepees. I talk to other members of our parish and they are saying the same thing… it’s a big shocker for those who have had all girls then get a boy!

So I’m not so sure about worrying about your MIL. However you should have your husband find out if your neice has displayed any SAO (Sexual Acting Out) behavior. I use to be a counslor with children age 2-11. Most of the kids were there because of abuse. While most of those victims did display some SAO behavior not all of them did… usually the older ones depending on whent he abuse actually happend. If there has been then you might consider moving your son.

I would make it VERY clear that you are not moving him because of the neice because she will eventually find out even if you tell your MIL not to say anything. This young girl has enough to deal with right now and truly needs Agape / Unconditional love. If she feels even “dirtier” that her family can’t leave their kids around her, it could just make things worse. Is she in thearpy about this?

I’m very sorry to hear about your situation and about what is happening with your neice.

Joe
 
It’s not worth the risk, is it? Please get your son out of that house IMMEDIATELY. There is definitely something very wrong. You’ve got to obey your gut feelings for his sake. Your child is helpless at 16 months.
 
The reason I see to remove your child is that your MIL denies her own son was abused.
 
kage_ar said:
The reason I see to remove your child is that your MIL denies her own son was abused.
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This would be the main reason why I’d remove my son. Definitely not because of your neice. I’m a victim of sexual molestation, myself, and have known many people who were abused as children. The psychological trauma placed on a child when a person they thought they could trust does not believe in their situation, as I’m sure your husband understands, is horrible. So, I would hate to have your own son potentionally suffer through the same thing from his grandmother.

Also, please do your best to never let your niece know why you are removing your son. She did an extremely courageous thing by saying something about her abuse. I never came out until I was 17 and I was 5 when it happened. It’s the first step to her healing and not feeling like she is at fault or feel ashamed about it. If she discovered that you didn’t trust her, I can’t even imagine how she would feel and how isolated she would become. It’s almost the same as a loved one not believing that they were molested. At least that is how I would feel, especially as a child and adult who was always chaste and kept myself away from men for years because of that one act. Open distrust from family members who they hope can be loving and supportive could push a child to go off the wall. So, by all means, remove your own child from the situation because of the mother, but please show your niece love and support, let her know that none of what happened to her was her fault, that she is not a pervert or a slut because that disgusting piece of dirt harmed her.

I do feel for you and your situation and praying for you and especially for your niece. Definitely remove your son, though.
 
Do not allow your son to be with your MIL one more minute! He needs protection from her.
 
well I would have had my child at the new babysitter’s they day after the first sitter gave him something I had told her specifically was forbidden by the pediatrician. If I missed that one, the first time he came home and told me about the private parts I would have had a very terse interview with her, ending with a threat to notify CPS. So I wouldn’t be in the current situation. Had I known her past history of denying abuse that took place with her knowledge against someone I love, the whole thing would be moot because there would be no question of allowing her unsupervised time alone with my child.

This situation is toxic and should not continue for one more day. Is anyone in the family looking after the interests of the 11 year old?
 
puzzleannie said:
well I would have had my child at the new babysitter’s they day after the first sitter gave him something I had told her specifically was forbidden by the pediatrician. If I missed that one, the first time he came home and told me about the private parts I would have had a very terse interview with her, ending with a threat to notify CPS. So I wouldn’t be in the current situation. Had I known her past history of denying abuse that took place with her knowledge against someone I love, the whole thing would be moot because there would be no question of allowing her unsupervised time alone with my child.
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So true.
puzzleannie said:
This situation is toxic and should not continue for one more day. Is anyone in the family looking after the interests of the 11 year old?
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I’m also wondering the same thing. Should the 11-year-old even be with the grandmother considering the grandmother’s history of being in denial of her own son’s abuse? It could make things even worse for the girl. I hope the rest of the family is doing something to help her. Do they know the grandmother’s history with this to allow her to stay with the grandmother?
 
I am still trying to figure out how appropriate is it for a grandmother to encourage a little boy to hold is privates…and to refer to them as a “weenie”.

Even secular books on child raising say to teach your child only mom, dad and doctor(and primary care givers) should see the parts covered by a bathing suit, at bath time or at diaper changes. Even an episode of Mr. Roger’s had that message. A grandmother commenting on the genitals and encouraging a little boy to touch himself is well in the range of creepy. Imagine doing that to a little girl?

I would find another baby sitter.

I hope I didn’t come off too harsh, I’m very sensitive to these things.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
I am still trying to figure out how appropriate is it for a grandmother to encourage a little boy to hold is privates…and to refer to them as a “weenie”.

Even secular books on child raising say to teach your child only mom, dad and doctor(and primary care givers) should see the parts covered by a bathing suit, at bath time or at diaper changes. Even an episode of Mr. Roger’s had that message. A grandmother commenting on the genitals and encouraging a little boy to touch himself is well in the range of creepy. Imagine doing that to a little girl?

I would find another baby sitter.

I hope I didn’t come off too harsh, I’m very sensitive to these things.
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You certainly did not come across as too harsh. We should ALL be sensitive to these things!
 
Dorothy said:
You certainly did not come across as too harsh. We should ALL be sensitive to these things!
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I agree. Mary Gail, you definitely did not come across too harsh. As I get to know people on a deeper level and sharing our stories, I’m discovering how many of them were sexually abused as children - many by their own relatives. This kind of thing needs to stop. There are too many children whose innocence and childhood are stolen from them because of perverts. Sometimes being harsh is needed to open the eyes of parents or guardians. One woman my husband knew well was continually raped by her father from the time she was a little girl until she was about 18/19. He had fathered at least one child with her which was tragically aborted. When she finally had the courage to come out and prosecute him, with the help and assistance of my husband and their group of friends from college, her own mother did not believe it and would not accept it. I’m extremely sensitive to these issues as well and I wish more like those of you on this thread, were so that it can end.
 
I don’t see why this is a difficult situation at all. Your first and foremost obligation is the protection and nurturing of your son. Whatever is, or is not, happening; this is not that safe, nurturing environment based on the contradiction of your wishes and the denial of the earlier sexual abuse. Quit delaying and find another arrangement for your son. At some point, this is your responsibility and you haven’t faced squarely up to it.
 
Get that baby out of the house…Huge red flag is that she ignores the doctor, even before the creepy stuff about his private area…And the fact that she’d deny previous sexual abuse in the family…Get him out of there…
 
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