Difficult situation - sexual abuse & the in-laws

[Dorothy]

I agree. Mary Gail, you definitely did not come across too harsh. As I get to know people on a deeper level and sharing our stories, I’m discovering how many of them were sexually abused as children - many by their own relatives. This kind of thing needs to stop. There are too many children whose innocence and childhood are stolen from them because of perverts. Sometimes being harsh is needed to open the eyes of parents or guardians. One woman my husband knew well was continually raped by her father from the time she was a little girl until she was about 18/19. He had fathered at least one child with her which was tragically aborted. When she finally had the courage to come out and prosecute him, with the help and assistance of my husband and their group of friends from college, her own mother did not believe it and would not accept it. I’m extremely sensitive to these issues as well and I wish more like those of you on this thread, were so that it can end.

Thank you for sharing that. It is the duty of every Christian to correct with the mind of Christ. Those who look the other way because they do not want to confront someone are delucing themselves with a false peace.

 

[Seatuck]

BB, you need to get your son out of your MIL’s care at least for right now. She denied your husband’s claim of sexual abuse. That’s strike one. She is doing inappropriate things and has difficulty following your instructions strike two. There is an abused child in the home while your son is there. The rate of abused children abusing other smaller children is very common. Strike three.

 

[Sarabande]

There is an abused child in the home while your son is there. The rate of abused children abusing other smaller children is very common. Strike three.

Please, as a victim of sexual molestation and being forced to do things to my uncle, as well as personally knowing many people who were abused as children, almost all of us NEVER acted out in that way. Many of us were ashamed and blamed ourselves for the perverts’ actions, but we also didn’t go about trying it out on our siblings or other children. I was 5 when it happened to me, yet even then I had the wherewithal to realize that something was wrong and would have never even thought about doing it to anyone else. Although, it has happen with some children, please don’t say it is common. It makes it seem as if all abused children are also perverts and are dangerous to others. Just perpetuates further isolation of them and continued blame on them.

 

[yellowbird]

I agree with everyone else - I would remove my child from her home.

After that, I think you should prayerfully consider how much involvement you want your children to have with these people. You said your husband isn’t close to his family for good reason and you are trying to foster a closer relationship? While I think that’s very noble, I wonder if it’s not without risk?

We have similar circumstances with a portion of our family and I’ve finally come to a place where I am comfortable saying that just because these people want to see my children and are blood related, that doesn’t mean they get an automatic pass. If it’s not in the best interest of MY children, it isn’t going to happen. I don’t care what their “title” is… grandpa - grandpa - aunt… whatever. If you are such a screwy person that I have to be leary of you around my children, I am going to severely limit the amount of time they are near you. My obligation is not to other family members for the sake of “family” - my chief concern is my own children.

My family situation might be more dire than yours so maybe this doesn’t apply to the same extent…

God bless.

 

[yellowbird]

Please, as a victim of sexual molestation and being forced to do things to my uncle, as well as personally knowing many people who were abused as children, almost all of us NEVER acted out in that way. Many of us were ashamed and blamed ourselves for the perverts’ actions, but we also didn’t go about trying it out on our siblings or other children. I was 5 when it happened to me, yet even then I had the wherewithal to realize that something was wrong and would have never even thought about doing it to anyone else. Although, it has happen with some children, please don’t say it is common. It makes it seem as if all abused children are also perverts and are dangerous to others. Just perpetuates further isolation of them and continued blame on them.

I don’t think anyone is saying that all victims go on to abuse… but sadly, some do and it’s hard to know which catagory the niece will fall into.

My nephew was horribly abused by a family member and it wasn’t until he was about 12 years old and caught with younger children that his parents had any idea of the abuse he had suffered for literally years. He is thankfully receiving the help he needs and I pray for him - but I would never allow my children to be alone with him. I don’t think he is a pervert - I think he is a victim … and unfortunatly this is the fallout to the horrible abuse he suffered. I HAVE to protect my own children…

Edit: In my previous post when I referred to “screwy” family members I was NOT speaking of my dear nephew. I was speaking of family members whose lives are a train wreck filled w/ addictions, immorality and drama. Sadly, those are the circumstances of my nephew’s upbringing which helped to foster the problems he now faces.

 

[Sarabande]

I don’t think anyone is saying that all victims go on to abuse… but sadly, some do and it’s hard to know which catagory the niece will fall into.

My nephew was horribly abused by a family member and it wasn’t until he was about 12 years old and caught with younger children that his parents had any idea of the abuse he had suffered for literally years. He is thankfully receiving the help he needs and I pray for him - but I would never allow my children to be alone with him. I don’t think he is a pervert - I think he is a victim … and unfortunatly this is the fallout to the horrible abuse he suffered. I HAVE to protect my own children…

I totally understand that and because you do have proof of your nephew doing it, of course you should protect your children from that. He is unfortunately one of those victims who did act out in that way.

The problem I have is saying that it is “very common” for abused children to do this. I also know that it happens and did say that some children do act out in this way, but to say it is “very common” makes it appear as if almost all abused children do this, when I know that most of the adults who were abused as children never did act out in that way when they were children. Unfortunately, I do know that there are people who believe that abused children are perverts as well and won’t allow their own children around them because of this unfounded fear. It’s a horrible stigma.

I didn’t mean to pick on the other poster, which wasn’t my intent. I do realize that he/she didn’t mean malice by what he/she said, but I think that people need to be sensitive and aware when they make comments like that. It further puts a fear into other believing that almost all abused children will act out in that way, and can very much perpetuate isolation and blame on them when what they need more is love and support. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if my parents had found out about my abuse when I was little and decided to isolate me from my siblings because they feared that I would have done something to them based on people telling them that it was “very common” for abused children to abuse.

I think what should be done is if you do find out about your child being abused to get them psychiatric help and therapy immediately to discover how this child is handling the situation. If the professionals feel that the child could act out in that way, then that would be the time to keep them away from other children until it can be remedied. But to do it just because other people say that it is “very common”, I think is unfair to the victim.

We don’t know what is happening to the 11-year-old niece at this moment. What I do know is that neither this baby nor the little girl should be in this grandmother’s care at all. It’s dangerous for both of them.

 

[Seatuck]

I totally understand that and because you do have proof of your nephew doing it, of course you should protect your children from that. He is unfortunately one of those victims who did act out in that way.

The problem I have is saying that it is “very common” for abused children to do this. I also know that it happens and did say that some children do act out in this way, but to say it is “very common” makes it appear as if almost all abused children do this, when I know that most of the adults who were abused as children never did act out in that way when they were children. Unfortunately, I do know that there are people who believe that abused children are perverts as well and won’t allow their own children around them because of this unfounded fear. It’s a horrible stigma.

I didn’t mean to pick on the other poster, which wasn’t my intent. I do realize that he/she didn’t mean malice by what he/she said, but I think that people need to be sensitive and aware when they make comments like that. It further puts a fear into other believing that almost all abused children will act out in that way, and can very much perpetuate isolation and blame on them when what they need more is love and support. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if my parents had found out about my abuse when I was little and decided to isolate me from my siblings because they feared that I would have done something to them based on people telling them that it was “very common” for abused children to abuse.

I think what should be done is if you do find out about your child being abused to get them psychiatric help and therapy immediately to discover how this child is handling the situation. If the professionals feel that the child could act out in that way, then that would be the time to keep them away from other children until it can be remedied. But to do it just because other people say that it is “very common”, I think is unfair to the victim.

We don’t know what is happening to the 11-year-old niece at this moment. What I do know is that neither this baby nor the little girl should be in this grandmother’s care at all. It’s dangerous for both of them.

I don’t feel picked on , so don’t even worry about that. This was what I was taught in Nursing school , several years ago. I asked around and was told that newer studies suggest the incidence is lower and you may be correct that it is not “common”. However I wouldn’t take a chance with my child. Also, I was told that the studies haven’t focused on children sexually abusing other children because the definition of “sex play” in childhood is not defined or agreed upon with psychologists. In my opinion sex play is not permissable and steps should be taken to avoid it. Many psychologists find sex play to fall within normal limits. I didn’t say any studies on the internet that worked for this discussion in my brief perusal.

 

[Sarabande]

I don’t feel picked on , so don’t even worry about that. This was what I was taught in Nursing school , several years ago. I asked around and was told that newer studies suggest the incidence is lower and you may be correct that it is not “common”. However I wouldn’t take a chance with my child.

I do understand. Both of my parents are medical professionals as well, and my mother worked as a pediatric nurse for a number of years, so this might have also been something taught to her when she was in nursing school and the psychology classes she took as requirements, although I have never asked her. I wonder how parents handle the situation when they discover early on that one of their children was abused. (I will be a new mother in December with my first, so everything that has affected me in my past is making me feel more overprotective.) Do they isolate their child from the other children with the fear that something might happen? It’s a very tough call, I realize that, and do not believe there is any black and white here, except to do what you think best in protecting your child who is the victim and the rest of the children in the family. That’s why I believe psychological intervention should be first and foremost to discover how that child is reacting to the experience.

Also, I was told that the studies haven’t focused on children sexually abusing other children because the definition of “sex play” in childhood is not defined or agreed upon with psychologists. In my opinion sex play is not permissable and steps should be taken to avoid it. Many psychologists find sex play to fall within normal limits. I didn’t see any studies on the internet that worked for this discussion in my brief perusal.

I would agree. I don’t believe sex play is permissible either. No one I played with growing up ever engaged in that activity. But I will say, I do know adults who did engage in sex play as very young children - and they were never abused by adults. So, that is something all parents should be aware of and watch with any child. Unfortunately, we can’t be always be completely protective. My mother never let any adult male who was not related to us babysit us. She was actually very aware of sexual abuse probably because she did take care of children in the hospitals who were abused. The tragedy of it all was that the enemy was within - her little brother. Someone she cared for and helped raise and trusted, allowed him to live in her home when he first came over to this country. No one, and I don’t care who anyone is, ever wants to believe that a husband, father, uncle, brother, aunt, sibling of a child etc. would ever harm a child, let alone their own flesh and blood. Does that mean we should look at everyone in our family askance as if they may be potential predators? No, of course not. But it is something we should be aware of if we start seeing signs. I believe the Lord protected me after that encounter with my uncle. He gave me enough intellect at 5 to keep my uncle from ever doing that to me again. I’d actually give him dirty looks and as I got older treated him with little respect - never in front of my family, because I was still ashamed of what happened to me. I actually think my uncle was afraid of me after that horrible experience, especially after he tried it again and I fought him with my eyes and my verbage. He never touched me again.

 

[BiologyBrain]

I thank you all for your comments and heartfelt stories. I probably do need a kick in the pants to get my son out of there. I work full-time and really can’t afford full-time day care. My mom babysits 3 days a week & the MIL has 2 days. I am trying to foster a better relationship between my husband & his mom. Simply b/c even though she didn’t necessarily stand by him during/after his abuse, she has stood beside him in other dire circumstances. She’s also his mother. I have a tendency to be very passive about situations with adults (I still haven’t, at 28, figured out I AM an adult). I don’t want to foster ill-will between my husband & his mom. At this point, he sometimes stands up for her when she disobeys my instructions (or the pediatricians) for our son. In other words, my husband doesn’t always support me in this situation.

My niece is going through the court system to be in the custody of her father & step-mother. She has the support my MIL fully (while my husband never did). I don’t think my MIL is ignoring this claim at all b/c my niece has always been rather open with her about what she sees/experiences at her mother’s. The sad thing is that my niece would much rather spend time w/ the MIL than her step-mother, through no fault of the step-mother. There’s very little (if anything) I can do to improve my niece’s lot in life. I’m praying for her, the family, and healing. That’s probably all I can do.

I guess my problem now is that I don’t know exactly how to go about removing my son from her (MIL) care. I don’t think my husband necessarily thinks its a big deal (any of it - except sometimes when he remembers his abuse). My mother is willing to take my son full-time, but I really just don’t want to ruin the relationship I’ve built between my husband & his mother. I feel that mother-child relationships, even if rocky in the early years, need to be fostered throughout our lives. Removing my son from her care will most definitely hurt her feelings - even if I tell her its to help her focus on my niece or whatever. She’s jealous of the relationship I have with my mother already.

I realize I probably sound like a pathetic, weak, and inept mother for my son. I am truly concerned about his well-being. However, I also know that my MIL wouldn’t knowingly harm him and that she truly does love him and loves spending time with him. I really just want to keep the peace, but also keep my peace of mind. The best solution is to at least minimize the amount of time my son spends at her home. I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to get my husband’s support and cooperation.

Thank you guys again & any suggestions and/or encouragement you can give me is much appreciated!

 

[sanctamaria17]

I still vote put him with your mom…

Your husband’s relationship with his mom is HIS relationship. You can’t change or do anything else with that. Furthermore, he should be standing up for YOU and YOUR SON. When he married you, he vowed to put you and any kids you had before his parents…It’s up to HIM to build the relationship with HIS mother, not you…

Even without the stuff regarding your son’s body, the fact that either would go against THE DOCTOR is troubling…yes, I understand, doctors are not God, but still…

Trust me, I tend to be a people-pleaser but I ignore that if something is seriously wrong…

Just say you’ll have your mom watch your son for the week, but invite MIL over for dinner, when BOTH you and you husband are home…She can still be involved in your son’s life, but there won’t be any “funny business” or concerns…

 

[kage_ar]

"Dear MIL

As baby boy is getting older, he needs a consistant routine during the week. Mom is able to take him all week ling

Dear Neice needs all the love and attention you can give her right now, this will let you focus on her.

See you for dinner next Sunday - love Biology Brain"

 

[HouseArrest]

I thank you all for your comments and heartfelt stories. I probably do need a kick in the pants to get my son out of there. I work full-time and really can’t afford full-time day care. My mom babysits 3 days a week & the MIL has 2 days. I am trying to foster a better relationship between my husband & his mom. Simply b/c even though she didn’t necessarily stand by him during/after his abuse, she has stood beside him in other dire circumstances. She’s also his mother. I have a tendency to be very passive about situations with adults (I still haven’t, at 28, figured out I AM an adult). I don’t want to foster ill-will between my husband & his mom. At this point, he sometimes stands up for her when she disobeys my instructions (or the pediatricians) for our son. In other words, my husband doesn’t always support me in this situation.

My niece is going through the court system to be in the custody of her father & step-mother. She has the support my MIL fully (while my husband never did). I don’t think my MIL is ignoring this claim at all b/c my niece has always been rather open with her about what she sees/experiences at her mother’s. The sad thing is that my niece would much rather spend time w/ the MIL than her step-mother, through no fault of the step-mother. There’s very little (if anything) I can do to improve my niece’s lot in life. I’m praying for her, the family, and healing. That’s probably all I can do.

I guess my problem now is that I don’t know exactly how to go about removing my son from her (MIL) care. I don’t think my husband necessarily thinks its a big deal (any of it - except sometimes when he remembers his abuse). My mother is willing to take my son full-time, but I really just don’t want to ruin the relationship I’ve built between my husband & his mother. I feel that mother-child relationships, even if rocky in the early years, need to be fostered throughout our lives. Removing my son from her care will most definitely hurt her feelings - even if I tell her its to help her focus on my niece or whatever. She’s jealous of the relationship I have with my mother already.

Change the babysitting arrangement and invite your MIL over for dinner once a week. As it stands now, the only person spending time with your MIL is your son, not your husband. How is that fostering a relationship between your husband and his mother?
I realize I probably sound like a pathetic, weak, and inept mother for my son. I am truly concerned about his well-being. However, I also know that my MIL wouldn’t knowingly harm him and that she truly does love him and loves spending time with him. I really just want to keep the peace, but also keep my peace of mind. The best solution is to at least minimize the amount of time my son spends at her home. I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to get my husband’s support and cooperation.

Thank you guys again & any suggestions and/or encouragement you can give me is much appreciated!

Your uneasiness alone is enough reason to get him out of there. The above sounds like you are trying to talk yourself out of being concerned. Go with your instincts and change your son’s caregiving situation. The risk is too high.

 

[iluvmybabies]

"Dear MIL

As baby boy is getting older, he needs a consistant routine during the week. Mom is able to take him all week ling

Dear Neice needs all the love and attention you can give her right now, this will let you focus on her.

See you for dinner next Sunday - love Biology Brain"

Hey Kage_ar that’s pretty good…Even I thought it was considerate and very acceptable form of keeping the peace…I think BB should definitely give this a try…

And like other Poster’s have said the best interest of the child is to be away from all the circumstances at the moment, the little girl needs all the help and love she can get and if there is a baby around all the time it migth not be so much that she may act out what happened to her, but what if it just makes her isolate herself even more and lock herself in completely never to be a happy child again because she feels left out for those 2 days while the baby is around?

So in either case it would be best if the OP’s mother can watch the baby full-time. It doesn’t matter if Op’s MIL is jealous of her relationship with her mother, she should have thought of that before she denied support to her abused son…I mean isn’t that usually the way things go? But her son is making progress with her and he loves his mother through it all, therefore that is a good plus, as long as they both keep the relationship going it doesn’t matter if the baby only spends 1 hour or 20 mins with his grandmother, they will still be family and things should still be well…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Dear BB, one of my sister’s friends has 3 children…Her “man” used to be in and out of jail all the time for physically abusing her…She didn’t get along well with his mother, and since she couldn’t afford a daycare center would ask her to babysit…All the while the “MIL” was poisoning her baby. Her youngest baby became diabetic by the time he was 1 year old…Since she babysat him when he was 2 months old she would feed him juice, sodas, etc…Her middle child was abused a lot as well…They are both boys. Her eldest is a girl. And since she’s school aged since she was 4 she didn’t really have to spend so much time with granny! But every summer she would notice all the things she would do to her siblings and she was so young she didn’t understand…She would keep the middle child locked away in the playpen without food just water…all the while over feeding the baby. When she was 8 years old and very mature for her age, she finally told her mother what she was seeing and how she felt it wasn’t right. All those months and years of her middle child unable to speak, being under weight, and having brain problems she finally was able to figure it out, and why her 2 year old was obese and diabetic…

It was very heart breaking…Very frustrating for her and the worst thing that could have ever happened to her. While she was still trying to work so hard in taking care of her children someone else was hurting them…

When her ex came out of jail the last time, she spoke to him about what his mother was doing, he apologized for everything and asked his mother to speak with her. His mother denied everything and when she threatened to call child services on her, she called housing authority on her since her house was under his name and she was living in it…just to pay a lower rent.

Finally she decided to move on, but the damage to the children have been done. Even if it wasn’t sexually abusing that kind of abuse is terrible as well, and she has to deal with 2 children receiving counseling, and 1 whom is not understanding how her loving granny could hurt her little brother’s like that.

My sister’s friend blames herself and wished that she could have known and had the money to take them some other place but the damage is done…

A friend of mine’s grand daughter was abused sexually by her great uncle…She was only 7 when it happened…He had abused her for 2 years before she opened up to her grandmother… My friend couldn’t take it and didn’t want to believe her brother in law was capable of doing such a terrible thing when he himself has grandchildren her age… Huge problems started with the family and they wondered how? WHERE? WHEN? WHY? She would always have sleep overs with his grand daughters, all the time. On weekends because it was great uncle’s party house! All the cookies and snacks and staying up late! COOL! Well who would have ever imagined with other little girls her age. All the time he would bribe her with things she liked, while all the little girls were asleep he would wake her up in the middle of the night, ask her to keep secrets and then tell her to do things. She finally told her granny when she drew a picture when she was 9 of something happening to her and her being sad. When her granny asked her she told her that it was him making her do that stuff to him…

He was pretty smart about it he never touched her private area just in case she would ever say anything it was oral more than anything…But one night she bit him really hard and drew blood and told him she wasn’t doing it any more, then ran and locked herself in the bathroom all night long…This happened when she was 9 before she told her granny. Right after about a week later was when everyone heard and the cops searched him and found her teeth marks that’s how they got him…

He didn’t abuse his own grand daughters, but did abuse this child…You can never know and even though I am terrified of this little girl acting out I don’t deny her visits with my daughter, they are about the same age…I just won’t leave them alone for so long not just because I don’t trust her but because kids shouldn’t be unsupervised to begin with…at least not for long periods of time…

Another friend of mine’s friend’s son was abused. No one knows by whom but now that he’s 13 years old he acted out what was done to him to his cousins…His cousins are around 8 years old and told their father what their cousin made them do…and how… The little boy is being tried in court and even though he denies everything they are keeping him under constant watch and can no longer be around other children…

My friend told me when she found out she asked her son if this little “pervert” had abused him…And she had no sympathy at all for him instead was hoping they sent him to jail and all the while I looked at her and said “look hopefully he will get the best counseling and make it through this!” After that she said she was never letting him go near this boy again…

It is not these children’s fault…And they do need all the love and support possible, but at the same time until they get the correct counseling, children can not be left unsupervised around them for every reason not just that reason…

I mean there are kids whom haven’t been sexually abused whom act out things they have seen or heard of so it’s not just children whom have such problems that can do harm…But in either case with all the problems going around why make things more you know? As long as these children have the love and support to make it through this the better they will be.

 

[BiologyBrain]

Thanks a whole bunch guys! I’m going to speak to my husband tonight & try to make arrangements for our son tomorrow (its one of MIL’s usual days). Today she called around lunch time to let me know that she & the kids (my son & niece) were on a picnic. I’m still torn b/c I know my niece really enjoys her time w/ my son - she’s very mothering already. However, I think you guys are right & if its bugging me so much my instinct is trying to tell me something. I’m going to try to reason w/ my hubby and double check my mom’s willingness to keep him all week again. Kage_ar I like your suggestion as to wording my ‘break-up’ w/ my MIL. I’ll try to use that instead of any other concerns I have. Thanks again!

 

[BrokenFortress]

Oh, this is a very sad situation! I will certainly say a prayer for your family.

I agree with trying to word it like was stated about how he needs a routine, and your MIL needs to focus on your niece.

I think you just really need to stick with how your gut is feeling. I’m not saying something will happen, but imagine how you would feel if something did happen and you looked back and saw how you were scared to take him out of the situation because of how your MIL would feel.

 

[Sarabande]

Thanks a whole bunch guys! I’m going to speak to my husband tonight & try to make arrangements for our son tomorrow (its one of MIL’s usual days). Today she called around lunch time to let me know that she & the kids (my son & niece) were on a picnic. I’m still torn b/c I know my niece really enjoys her time w/ my son - she’s very mothering already. However, I think you guys are right & if its bugging me so much my instinct is trying to tell me something. I’m going to try to reason w/ my hubby and double check my mom’s willingness to keep him all week again. Kage_ar I like your suggestion as to wording my ‘break-up’ w/ my MIL. I’ll try to use that instead of any other concerns I have. Thanks again!

How are things? I think Kage_ar’s wording is perfect. There is nothing insulting about it. I’ll be praying for all of you.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I hope things went well for you today and that all will work out well…GOD bless…Please kit.

 

[BiologyBrain]

Things are still the same. I spoke to my husband last night. I tried to carefully explain what I was feeling and why I was just more comfortable w/ my mom watching our son. He won’t agree to remove our son from the MILs care though. He corrected me about what his mom did (or didn’t) do during/after his abuse. He told me that she believed him, but absolutely refused to let anyone besides those concerned know about it. I confronted him about him telling me that she hadn’t supported him & he didn’t have an explanation. He was adamant that he will not let anything happen to our little boy since he’s gone through abuse himself (by a female cousin). He’s certain that nothing will happen. He kept pointing out that not only would it stir up a hornets nest to take our son out of MILs hands, he said its good for our niece to have the distraction. He kept saying that both of them love our son as much as we do and would never do anything to harm him in anyway.

When I brought up the fact that she disregards my (and the pediatricians) instructions, he simply pointed out that she’d raised 3 boys & not killed any of them yet. He basically had the same answer for my dismay at her pointing out our son’s private parts to him before 16 months (this has been going on for a while). He asked me if I thought that was abuse or something. I told him not really, but that its definitely not necessary - especially at this age. He keeps repeating that boys are like that & that our son would have started playing with it sometime anyway. I countered that w/ saying that may be so, but not at this early age & not with encouragement. I told him I was raised with 2 brothers & never once heard or saw them play w/ themselves, especially at such a young age. I also pointed out that I have 9 boy cousins under the age of 12 (meaning I was 15-16 when the oldest was born) and never once saw them do that either. He says, well I guess our families were/are different.

He also counters my assertion that my mom can keep our son full-time by saying he doesn’t want to burn her out. He says she has enough to deal w/ (my dad’s business isn’t making any money & they’re in financial distress - prayers please?!) Plus, my brother & his wife are getting ready to move next door (sometime hopefully in the next 6 months) with their 2 girls (3 & 15 months) as well as another on the way that my mom has said she’ll keep while we all work. He has a point on that issue I had to admit.

FWIW I don’t think the MIL or the niece are going to abuse our son. I also know that some of the things she’s given our son against instructions hasn’t really hurt him (although the animal crackers when he was 6 months old did constipate him something awful). My husband’s family was not religious at all as he was growing up. My husband still isn’t religious (although our son is baptized & being raised Catholic). Our families are diametrically opposite though. His family has a much more slack ‘rule’ about personal space and what’s acceptable than mine does.

I guess the only thing I can really do is keep praying and trying to stay in close contact w/ the MIL while she has him. I just don’t know what else I can do without my husband’s support. Even in the face of my tears & concern, he didn’t budge (I don’t use tears ever to get my way, but I was really upset). Nothing I can say or do will change his mind. I even brought up that if something happened it would already be too late. He still maintains that nothing is going to happen.

 

[iluvmybabies]

well now the way i look at it is enforce your wife role into this situation…remind him that first is GOD, then you and then your child and last his family…AND as such, that you want your concerns met, and that you are willing to negotiate something, fine he doesn’t want to “wear” down your mother with full time care for your child, then instead of the 2 days that he’s with MIL then take him for one day…That way you give the risk less of chance even if it’s by 1 day…Remind him that as his wife he is to respect your decisions and you two are meant to compromise and you are willing to do so ask him what he’s willing to do. Dont cry nor tear up, speak to him with seriousness and as a “business woman” and his authoritive wife exercising what is rightfully hers…HER CHILD’s SAFETY!!!

If things stir up you tell him that’s his problem because of the situations and concerns at hand…SO what if she has raised 3 boys and hadn’t killed them, my mother didn’t kill us either but it doesn’t mean I approve of the things she will feed my children especially if they might have health conditions against a pediatrician’s advise?! Kind of ridiculous there…And not to make a further point on this but, HE IS YOUR CHILD!!

My soon to be MIL is like that too, it upsets me so much that she doesn’t listen to me about what to feed and not feed my kids when they take them out or they stay the night with them…Very frustrating… Therefore they only go once in a while…Unwilling to do deal with it, you know? She too will tell me things like, “I raised all my boys and they are healthier than anything and great men!” I am just like AND those are your kids these are mine!!! So to not make things worst, I make sure it’s not an often visit but a once in a while visit…She is like that with her stepdaughter’s child, always feeding him what she wants whenever they come down to visit 2x a year for 4 weeks total…it’s frustrating for her because she has a diet for her son, and the way she wants to feed him is the way she wants to because that’s what she follows through at home…BUT not with granny! So she is grateful it’s only 4 weeks she visits for and not lives close enough that she can influence him completely and permanently… That both families are different obviously I doubt he would have married you any other way and accepted your family any other way!!! Remind him that too…Also my nephew since he was like 13 months old had an obsession with his dingy and didn’t stop till he was like 6 years old or so…lol…everyone thought it was adorable, and now that he’s 9 we bring it up and he just flushes with embarrassment…LOL My little brother used to be like that up until he was like 7 years old, I still laugh about it…And I think his son is like that too! LOL It’s innocent as long as you don’t make it a bigger deal than what it is…Their curiosity over something hanging there?! LOL Just like my son when he was a baby he couldn’t stop chewing on his feet, it was hilarious because even after he was 2 years old and walking he would take off his socks and shoes and always try to tickle himself chewing on his toes…LOL it was adorable…Eventually he grew out of it but I still tell him now that he’s 6 how funny it was to watch him chew his feet almost off!! LOL

But you still need to find a way to compromise with your husband because of your concerns don’t take his no at all, if anything try to see the child for lunch take longer lunch breaks or cut work hours a little shorter, etc…there has to be a way for you to compromise with your husband…GOD bless and good luck! Please KIT!