Difficult situation - sexual abuse & the in-laws

  • Thread starter Thread starter BiologyBrain
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Biology Brian,
I think you’re husband is probably right - your son will be OK in the care of his mother. If it were me, would pray, as I’m sure you already do, for his constant protection and then keep a watchful eye, but leave things as they are. Since nothing has actually happened to your son, I think you have to go with your husband on this.

Are the instructions from you and the doctor serious type things she ignores… or just a difference in parenting? I can understand why you’d be upset either way, but if it’s just a difference in parenting like giving him juice when you’d rather he have something else, I might not raise such a big stink about it because your husband is right, your MIL has raised children and a little bit of juice won’t kill your son. (using juice as an example - I may be totally off base here?)

Now if it’s serious safety issues like not using a carseat or something I’d totally pitch a fit.

Bottom line, like you said - your families are very different and those difference become so very obvious once children are added to the mix. Some families are much more “open” about their bodies and wouldn’t think a thing about a little boy discovering himself, whereas I always handed my son a toy as a distraction when he got grabby. I come from a long line of prudes - lol.

Assuming that the MIL is a very loving person, your dear son will benefit so much from having her in his life. What a lucky little guy to be cared for by both of his grandmas!!!

I just wanted to say one more thing about the abuse situation your husband suffered… I am happy to hear that his mother DID believe him, and I’m not totally suprised that she didn’t want it to be known to others. I think 20 years ago abuse was handled so much differently and maybe your MIL thought it was best for your husband to keep it quiet? It’s hard to really know what her motivation were at that time? As parents, we make mistakes… there are many things I wish I could do over… I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

May God Bless you all.
 
Well, it’s not just your husband’s son. It sounds like he is making the decision on his own and you are deferring to him, and his reasons seem to be more about “not stirring up a hornet’s nest” by taking the baby out of his mother’s care.

Maybe you and your husband need to go to an “objective” source like a doctor or a priest, because you should make decisions together, and it seems like your husband is completely disregarding your concerns.

He says he won’t change his mind, well tell him that you won’t change your mind and you should arrive at a compromise. Such as, still letting his mom see your son, but when you are he are also there as guests.
 
The fact that you and your husband are not of the same Faith is going to cause this kind of problem. By he and his mom not being practicing Catholics, they may feel that masturbation is okey dokey.

Yes, a little boy will begin to play with his penis. A moral parent will distract the child and hand them a toy. As the child gets older, they are taught from a very young age that the penis is not something to play with.

You have every right to insist that your mother in law use the correct terms when speaking of anatomy. Tell her that your son has a penis and testicles and you want her to use those words. Tell her that when he begins to play with his penis, you want her to hand him a toy and distract him, not encourage him.

Prayers for you, that your husband will come to the practice of the Faith!!
 
Point is, your husband should be deciding with you, not his mom…If you, as his WIFE and the MOTHER of HIS and YOUR SON, you are concerned, he should listen to you…

Yeah, maybe she raised three kids and didn’t kill them, but you know what’s best for your child…Therefore, she should be listening to you…And she should be respecting that role…yeah, it’s her grandson, but he’s your son…

Even if the food won’t kill him, the fact that she disregards instructions given not only by the mother but by the DOCTOR says a lot…Like, “I don’t care what you say, I’m doing what I want…” Honestly, if either one of my parents acted like that with my husband (when I get married), I’d say, “Well, OK, see you for Sunday dinner…”

Different aspect of parenting: Yeah, but she’s not the parent…she should be respecting rules set forth by the parents…I mean, if she can’t respect the little things, would you entrust her with bigger ones?
 
kage_ar said:
The fact that you and your husband are not of the same Faith is going to cause this kind of problem. By he and his mom not being practicing Catholics, they may feel that masturbation is okey dokey.

Prayers for you, that your husband will come to the practice of the Faith!!
Click to expand...
You’re completely right. My husband doesn’t think its a big deal at all for our son to play w/ his penis. He also doesn’t have a problem w/ his mom going against the doc (or me). Sometimes he’s unreasonable about his mom (they don’t have a great relationship), but other times he’s confusingly loyal to her. I pray for his conversion daily, but I just don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
 
flyingfish said:
Well, it’s not just your husband’s son. It sounds like he is making the decision on his own and you are deferring to him, and his reasons seem to be more about “not stirring up a hornet’s nest” by taking the baby out of his mother’s care.

Maybe you and your husband need to go to an “objective” source like a doctor or a priest, because you should make decisions together, and it seems like your husband is completely disregarding your concerns.

He says he won’t change his mind, well tell him that you won’t change your mind and you should arrive at a compromise. Such as, still letting his mom see your son, but when you are he are also there as guests.
Click to expand...
How am I supposed to take my husband’s rights to sharing our son w/ his mother away from him? I don’t know how to do what you’re talking about. In a way, I’m pleased that he’s got enough respect for his mom to want her to watch our son. I’m also somewhat pleased that he has faith in her to prevent anything from happening to our son.

I may try to get the doc involved (the priest isn’t going to hold much water w/ a non-Catholic). The only thing is that usually my husband has to work while I take our son to the doctor. Then I second-hand repeat things to him. Not so effective.
 
sanctamaria17 said:
Point is, your husband should be deciding with you, not his mom…If you, as his WIFE and the MOTHER of HIS and YOUR SON, you are concerned, he should listen to you…

Yeah, maybe she raised three kids and didn’t kill them, but you know what’s best for your child…Therefore, she should be listening to you…And she should be respecting that role…yeah, it’s her grandson, but he’s your son…

Even if the food won’t kill him, the fact that she disregards instructions given not only by the mother but by the DOCTOR says a lot…Like, “I don’t care what you say, I’m doing what I want…” Honestly, if either one of my parents acted like that with my husband (when I get married), I’d say, “Well, OK, see you for Sunday dinner…”

Different aspect of parenting: Yeah, but she’s not the parent…she should be respecting rules set forth by the parents…I mean, if she can’t respect the little things, would you entrust her with bigger ones?
Click to expand...
I agree, but I don’t know how to go about it without his support. I can’t force him to support me. At this point he’s doing what he thinks is best - sharing our son w/ both sets of grandparents fairly equally. My concerns matter, but he’s confident nothing will happen, so he is comfortable with the situation as it is now. Some of my emotion and worry he’s probably writing off as pregnancy hormones and/or worry over my own health (possible breast cancer - biopsy tomorrow). We’ve both got a lot on our plate w/o changing things drastically in his opinion.
 
BiologyBrain said:
Some of my emotion and worry he’s probably writing off as pregnancy hormones and/or worry over my own health (possible breast cancer - biopsy tomorrow). We’ve both got a lot on our plate w/o changing things drastically in his opinion.
Click to expand...
BB,
I totally agree with your husband. You have enough on your plate. Your son is just a baby … we’re a looooooooooong time from him finding his body parts to it becoming a problem sin wise. I say give it a rest for awhile.

And in the meantime, you are in my prayers for your biopsy tomorrow.
 
BiologyBrain said:
I agree, but I don’t know how to go about it without his support. I can’t force him to support me. At this point he’s doing what he thinks is best - sharing our son w/ both sets of grandparents fairly equally. My concerns matter, but he’s confident nothing will happen, so he is comfortable with the situation as it is now. Some of my emotion and worry he’s probably writing off as pregnancy hormones and/or worry over my own health (possible breast cancer - biopsy tomorrow). We’ve both got a lot on our plate w/o changing things drastically in his opinion.
Click to expand...
Prayers for everything,:hug1:
 
BiologyBrain said:
I agree, but I don’t know how to go about it without his support. I can’t force him to support me. At this point he’s doing what he thinks is best - sharing our son w/ both sets of grandparents fairly equally. My concerns matter, but he’s confident nothing will happen, so he is comfortable with the situation as it is now. Some of my emotion and worry he’s probably writing off as pregnancy hormones and/or worry over my own health (possible breast cancer - biopsy tomorrow). We’ve both got a lot on our plate w/o changing things drastically in his opinion.
Click to expand...
First of all, I will keep you in my prayers today for your biopsy. May God grant you good health and a happy outcome. :console::gopray2:

I can understand your husband’s point of view, but I don’t think he’s realizing who is the most important person in this situation–it’s not anyone’s parents it’s his son. Adults are supposed to be able to take care of themselves. I don’t understand why the grandparents need equal time with your baby. It’s not their baby, it’s your two’s baby. Why can’t they see him once in a while–say once a week for a visit. There’s no need to have the baby at either grandparents’ house all day long even if they do make for cheap babysitting.

I don’t want to come between you and your husband, but I don’t think his priorities are as straight as he thinks they are. You two deserve a life of your own without either set of grandparents being pandered to, especially not when one of them or more are not following your wishes, doctor’s instructions, and doing things you find objectionable. You need to set clear boundaries with them now or you will be having to please them in violation of your own rights and responsibilities the rest of your lives. I say all this as a 60 year old gal who has seen the consequences of not being firm with relatives when firmness is called for. It ain’t pretty, I can tell you that!
 
Della said:
First of all, I will keep you in my prayers today for your biopsy. May God grant you good health and a happy outcome. :console::gopray2:

I can understand your husband’s point of view, but I don’t think he’s realizing who is the most important person in this situation–it’s not anyone’s parents it’s his son. Adults are supposed to be able to take care of themselves. I don’t understand why the grandparents need equal time with your baby. It’s not their baby, it’s your two’s baby. Why can’t they see him once in a while–say once a week for a visit. There’s no need to have the baby at either grandparents’ house all day long even if they do make for cheap babysitting.

I don’t want to come between you and your husband, but I don’t think his priorities are as straight as he thinks they are. You two deserve a life of your own without either set of grandparents being pandered to, especially not when one of them or more are not following your wishes, doctor’s instructions, and doing things you find objectionable. You need to set clear boundaries with them now or you will be having to please them in violation of your own rights and responsibilities the rest of your lives. I say all this as a 60 year old gal who has seen the consequences of not being firm with relatives when firmness is called for. It ain’t pretty, I can tell you that!
Click to expand...
I agree with you, but I just don’t know how to go about it. This is one of the biggest things I struggle with - making my objections known to those I care about (or even strangers) and standing for my beliefs. I appreciate your advice.

BTW Its not necessarily that the grandparents get as much time w/ our son as we do - its that both sets of grandparents have approximately the same amount of interaction w/ our son (their grandchild) as possible. This started very early when my MIL (actually at that point soon-to-be-MIL) insisted on ‘helping’ w/ the wedding. She got into a snit when I agreed with and/or followed my mom’s advice as opposed to hers. She then got into a snit while I was delivering our son b/c I had my mom as my husband’s back up (I was afraid he’d pass out), but we hadn’t called her for the labor/delivery portion (we were going to call her when it was done). She barged into the delivery room while I was still getting stitched up (clearly visible for anyone walking into the room) and claimed the baby away from my mom. She also berated my husband (her son) for not calling her the instant we arrived at the hospital (precisely for the reason above - we knew she’d barge in where I didn’t want her to be). Its a long (considering we’ve only been married 2 1/2 years) habit of hers to berate/barge/disregard what she doesn’t like, regardless of my (or my husband’s) desires. Its an unhealthy relationship, but I try to be compassionate, understanding, and fair to prevent blow-ups.
 
I have read through this entire thread and I am beginning to wonder about MIL. Particularly the bit about the birth of your son. I am sure there was a reason your husband did not call her. (As for the weddings, all mothers get snarky and catty.) I am not sure I would want someone that ego-centric to spend a lot of unsupervised time around my son. And he will be 24 tomorrow.

That’s 24 years, by the way.
 
BiologyBrain said:
I agree with you, but I just don’t know how to go about it. This is one of the biggest things I struggle with - making my objections known to those I care about (or even strangers) and standing for my beliefs. I appreciate your advice.

BTW Its not necessarily that the grandparents get as much time w/ our son as we do - its that both sets of grandparents have approximately the same amount of interaction w/ our son (their grandchild) as possible. This started very early when my MIL (actually at that point soon-to-be-MIL) insisted on ‘helping’ w/ the wedding. She got into a snit when I agreed with and/or followed my mom’s advice as opposed to hers. She then got into a snit while I was delivering our son b/c I had my mom as my husband’s back up (I was afraid he’d pass out), but we hadn’t called her for the labor/delivery portion (we were going to call her when it was done). She barged into the delivery room while I was still getting stitched up (clearly visible for anyone walking into the room) and claimed the baby away from my mom. She also berated my husband (her son) for not calling her the instant we arrived at the hospital (precisely for the reason above - we knew she’d barge in where I didn’t want her to be). Its a long (considering we’ve only been married 2 1/2 years) habit of hers to berate/barge/disregard what she doesn’t like, regardless of my (or my husband’s) desires. Its an unhealthy relationship, but I try to be compassionate, understanding, and fair to prevent blow-ups.
Click to expand...
You have my entire sympathy, my dear. I’ve got a relative like her and it’s not easy, I know. But, you’ve got to put your foot down with her. She can’t do anything about it except make noise–don’t let the noise bother you–it’s just noise. I’m afraid I wasn’t as clear I as intended 😊 I meant that neither of the grandparents needs to have equal time with your son. Don’t let the MIL continue to get away with this or she will make your lives a living hell because you will never be able to please her no matter what you do. Stand up to her–like all bullies she’ll blow and bluff and perhaps threaten, but she really can’t force you to do anything unless you allow her to.
 
Della said:
You have my entire sympathy, my dear. I’ve got a relative like her and it’s not easy, I know. But, you’ve got to put your foot down with her. She can’t do anything about it except make noise–don’t let the noise bother you–it’s just noise. I’m afraid I wasn’t as clear I as intended 😊 I meant that neither of the grandparents needs to have equal time with your son. Don’t let the MIL continue to get away with this or she will make your lives a living hell because you will never be able to please her no matter what you do. Stand up to her–like all bullies she’ll blow and bluff and perhaps threaten, but she really can’t force you to do anything unless you allow her to.
Click to expand...
I have to agree with this. Just reading about what she did when you gave birth - she doesn’t know about boundaries. That has to be nipped in the bud before you allow it to become normal and habit. You’ve only been married for a little over two years. It has to stop sooner than later, and unfortunately, your husband really needs to remember that you and your son comes first - not his mother. I’ve been married just a little longer than you (6 years this August) and this is something I had to learn to do early in our marriage. I love my parents deeply and they helped and supported me through a lot, but they had to know that my husband was first and foremost and I couldn’t go to every single family function each weekend and couldn’t just drop everything for them if my husband was having a hard time with it. They came to accept me equally as an adult and no longer just their child, which was the problem.

I continue to pray for you.
 
Della said:
You have my entire sympathy, my dear. I’ve got a relative like her and it’s not easy, I know. But, you’ve got to put your foot down with her. She can’t do anything about it except make noise–don’t let the noise bother you–it’s just noise. I’m afraid I wasn’t as clear I as intended 😊 I meant that neither of the grandparents needs to have equal time with your son. Don’t let the MIL continue to get away with this or she will make your lives a living hell because you will never be able to please her no matter what you do. Stand up to her–like all bullies she’ll blow and bluff and perhaps threaten, but she really can’t force you to do anything unless you allow her to.
Click to expand...
Yup. Exactly right. 👍 Every word.
 
I agree that you need to not let her walk all over you. I think you need to talk with your husband and make him see that this family of his (you, himself, and your son) comes first and foremost now, not the relationship he has with his mother. Of course that relationship is important, but it’s apparent that she doesn’t really respect your decisions.

Even if the abuse were not an issue, the fact that she doesn’t respect what you want done with your son is an issue. Sure, she didn’t kill her own children, but it’s time that she respected you as a mother. Would she have liked someone not listening to what she wanted done with her own children?
 
BiologyBrain said:
How am I supposed to take my husband’s rights to sharing our son w/ his mother away from him? I don’t know how to do what you’re talking about. In a way, I’m pleased that he’s got enough respect for his mom to want her to watch our son. I’m also somewhat pleased that he has faith in her to prevent anything from happening to our son.

I may try to get the doc involved (the priest isn’t going to hold much water w/ a non-Catholic). The only thing is that usually my husband has to work while I take our son to the doctor. Then I second-hand repeat things to him. Not so effective.
Click to expand...
I don’t know to be honest. How would you react if the situations were reversed, that your mother was encouraging your son to touch his private parts, that there was history of sexual abuse in your family, and your husband upon learning about it insisted that your son not be left in her care?

If you feel strongly enough about it, your husband should care. You should tell him how strongly you feel, how it bothers you and makes you anxious. He can still share your son with his mother, but in your or his presence.

Your husband’s primary loyalty should be to you, not his mother.

P.S. After reading how she behaved when you were giving birth… just wow. It seems like she’s a really big bully.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top