Difficult Situation

[Catholic]

A student applying to colleges has asked me to fill out an evaluation and write a letter of recommendation. One of the questions asks about the words that initially pop into my head when thinking about the student. Unfortunately, I can’t help but think of some negative things first, which are minor compared to the good qualities of this person. I figure my only options are to include brutally honest words (which could jeopardize this person’s chances and would be read by our guidance counselor), or to tell the student I do not want to write the letter after all (which would be very awkward, particularly since I currently teach the student). Any advice?

 

[homewardangel]

Does the question say the number of words that you have to put down?

If I were to list words that initially pop into my head when I think about my own child I would have quite a range of words: lazy, smart, kind, hard headed. The order in which they would pop into my head would most likely depend on what day the question was asked.

You don’t have to lie, but I doubt that you have to be brutally honest either. Unless you feel there is a severe character flaw. Besides, who was it who said “veil the faults of others…”

Just my thoughts

Terri

 

[Milkandhoney]

I don’t think there is one person alive that I wouldn’t be able to come up with a few lousy words to describe them. Especially a young person! We all do stupid, hurtful, selfish things sometimes whether it’s intentional or unintentional. Very very few of us are living as Saints. I think rather then worrying about the bad thoughts that come to mind, think about the strongest thoughts that describe this young person’s character and his or her potential if they were to be guided to use that character trait for good. If you can see the good in this young person so will others and that is what you want to always encourage in another.
College applications like that want to make sure they are not getting someone who will be a detriment to their school community or someone who will harm another. If this person is a good person, don’t worry about some of the immature decisions or mistakes he or she may have made while growing up, it’s difficult for the young to navigate through the murky water of life these days.

 

[Joyousguard]

A student applying to colleges has asked me to fill out an evaluation and write a letter of recommendation. One of the questions asks about the words that initially pop into my head when thinking about the student. Unfortunately, I can’t help but think of some negative things first, which are minor compared to the good qualities of this person. I figure my only options are to include brutally honest words (which could jeopardize this person’s chances and would be read by our guidance counselor), or to tell the student I do not want to write the letter after all (which would be very awkward, particularly since I currently teach the student). Any advice?

The word “initially” is a very broad term. “Initially many people thought the world was flat”. “Initially I thought he was wrong but after talking with him for five minutes I realized he was right”. Both use the term “initially” but both differ greatly in terms of time.

Now when you first read the question several adjectives initially popped into your head. I’m sure since then that you have rolled this question over in your mind and thought about this person and the characteristics they portray. Most kids are a bit lost in high school and are in the process of becoming who they will be. A little leadway ad understanding should always be given them concentrating and nurturing those positive qualities.

Now think about this person right now…What words intially pop into your head when describing this person You have probably rolled this question over in your mind a dozen times already. Each time you ask this question to yourself I’m sure initially different adjectives pop into yor head. Who says that you can’t think this over another dozen times and see what adjectives initially pop into your head then? Who knows, maybe by the second or third time, dilligent, enthusiastic or enjoyable to have in class may come to mind. No need to lie at all, just follow the questions as they are asked and a glowing recommendation will no doubt turn up. If not, think about it some more.

 

[1ke]

A student applying to colleges has asked me to fill out an evaluation and write a letter of recommendation. One of the questions asks about the words that initially pop into my head when thinking about the student. Unfortunately, I can’t help but think of some negative things first, which are minor compared to the good qualities of this person.

The purpose of a recommendation is to RECOMMEND.

Can you recommend? Yes or No?

If no-- tell the student you cannot recommend them.

If yes-- tell the people why you are recommending the student. This should be all positive things since they are the reasons you are recommending them.

I figure my only options are to include brutally honest words (which could jeopardize this person’s chances and would be read by our guidance counselor), or to tell the student I do not want to write the letter after all (which would be very awkward, particularly since I currently teach the student). Any advice?

I do not understand why you believe these are your two choices.

Again, the purpose of the letter is to recommend. Either you can or you can’t. If you can, then you state *why *you recommend-- which are the good qualities the student possesses.

 

[dmelosi]

You say that the negatives are minor compared to the good qualities. I think that you would be very much in the wrong to be as you say brutally honest. I really don’t see this as a difficult situation at all.

Unless the minor qualities you say are bad are physically dangerous, you need to talk about the good qualities. Especially since you say that they are minor compared to the good qualities. No one is perfect.

A student applying to colleges has asked me to fill out an evaluation and write a letter of recommendation. One of the questions asks about the words that initially pop into my head when thinking about the student. Unfortunately, I can’t help but think of some negative things first, which are minor compared to the good qualities of this person. I figure my only options are to include brutally honest words (which could jeopardize this person’s chances and would be read by our guidance counselor), or to tell the student I do not want to write the letter after all (which would be very awkward, particularly since I currently teach the student). Any advice?

 

[Catholic]

Thank you everyone for the replies. My main concern is that the question asks for the “first” thoughts that enter my head, so technically, I feel I would have to be honest about these first thoughts even if they are overshadowed by positive attributes. I don’t know how to get out of this dilemma.

The one potential loophole is that our guidance counselor recommends that teachers do not fill out the evaluation forms at all, but only write a free hand letter. Apparently she has learned that the admissions officers still process applications without them, although they might not publicize this. However, this may be an omission of the truth and thus unethical. Any continued comments would be helpful.

 

[homewardbound]

I asked several of my high school teachers for recommendations for college. Most had one standard letter they gave everyone, they all said the same thing. Others wrote individual ones.

I know one letter I had from my therapist when transferring schools showed my negative qualities in a good light by stating something like:

“She has struggled with some things but still comes out on top and can make it through”

Something like that, only more fancy

These letters are just to show the colleges that the student is liked, at least a little bit. The administration is never going to know this student personally, they just want to know if they will make a good addition to their school. So unless this student has really been trouble for you, or you really don’t like them…If you think they will do well in college and would be a good fit for it, then there shouldn’t be a problem in writing.

However, if you feel you can’t do it you should definitely let the student know asap so they can find someone else. College apps are time crunching and stressful definitely. Good luck!

 

[IrishAm]

(“Oh, good grief; who’s nuts here?” – That was my first response. )

However . . . I think you should tell the young person you cannot complete the recommendation.

Your turning of what should be a fairly standard recommendation – or not – into an ethical dilemma for **yourself **is simply not fair to this student whom you state has many fine qualities. Let another teacher express those qualities if you are unable to get past the form. Don’t make your problem his.

 

[1ke]

Thank you everyone for the replies. My main concern is that the question asks for the “first” thoughts that enter my head, so technically, I feel I would have to be honest about these first thoughts even if they are overshadowed by positive attributes. I don’t know how to get out of this dilemma.

The one potential loophole is that our guidance counselor recommends that teachers do not fill out the evaluation forms at all, but only write a free hand letter. Apparently she has learned that the admissions officers still process applications without them, although they might not publicize this. However, this may be an omission of the truth and thus unethical. Any continued comments would be helpful.

I think you have scrupulosity issues here. I don’t think the form has to be taken 100% literally for goodness sake!

You should consider the free-form letter as the guidance counselor suggested. But, if you cannot honestly recommend the student with a positive referral either on the form or in a letter then just give it back to the kid and let him find someone who can.

Do not write negative things about the kid on a recommendation!

 

[LilyM]

What does ‘first thoughts’ mean? First five or ten? First fifty? First three hundred? First ten seconds of thinking, or first five minutes?

If you feel you must write down those negatives, do as the previous poster said and balance it out with their good qualities.

 

[quasimodo]

Does the fact that negative thoughts are the first that pop into your head reflect on the young person or on you? Don’t immediately turn to the negative .

Stop being so pious and scrupulous. Write some nice things about the kid. Do it now.

 

[Orionthehunter]

A student applying to colleges has asked me to fill out an evaluation and write a letter of recommendation. One of the questions asks about the words that initially pop into my head when thinking about the student. Unfortunately, I can’t help but think of some negative things first, which are minor compared to the good qualities of this person. I figure my only options are to include brutally honest words (which could jeopardize this person’s chances and would be read by our guidance counselor), or to tell the student I do not want to write the letter after all (which would be very awkward, particularly since I currently teach the student). Any advice?

You are required to be truthful. But truth is proportional, appropriate for the setting and relevant. If they are minor (good or bad), you will give the impression they are her primary characteristics which is neither truthful, proportionate, appropriate for the setting or relevant.

 

[JimG]

A student applying to colleges has asked me to fill out an evaluation and write a letter of recommendation. One of the questions asks about the words that initially pop into my head when thinking about the student.

I think you are taking the question too literally. It’s a letter of recommendation, not a psychological pop quiz. If you are thinking about a particular individual, no words at all may initally ‘pop into your head.’ And if they do, who is to decide what they mean–you are some third party?

Since the letter is intended to obtain your opinion of the student in question, you are certainly entitled to decide how to reply to any particular question. If I were even sitting in the same room face to face with someone asking that same question, I might have to think for several minutes before deciding what words to use in reply. Requiring me to shout out the first thing that came to mind, would, I believe, be an improper interview technique.

As an example, suppose the first words that actually popped into your mind were: “big nose” or “gorgeous babe” or “big ears”? Would you really be justified in replying that way? Of course not.

 

[Joyousguard]

There is something from the Jesuit line of thinking called a mental reservation. An example is simple. “A salesman knocks at the door and your son opens it. The salesman asks if your mom is home. You reply that she is not home even though she is actualy right up stairs.” Did the son tell a lie? The answer is no, the boy did not lie he simply did not offer any unnecessary information. The boys response in essence was “My mother is not home for you”.

This is not a lie and it is not being untruthful. Another example is when your wife makes a dinner that even the dog would not touch. She asks you whay you thought of it. You reply “It was excellent”. Your mental reservation being “because you made it” or the “dinner was excellent because you made it” the last part not being needed to be relayed verbally.

Your situation is similiar. Example “Timmy is a good student who works hard” the mental reseration being “when he is not goofing around with his friends”. The first part of the statement is just as true as they second, simply put the person you are addressing this letter to has no need to know.

The last consideration is the term “first”. This again is very broad. First thoughts when? Your first thoughts when thinking about it for the 5th time? I doubt the the question is as legally specific as it would need to be to back you into a moral corner.

If you have any questions or if youd like me to help you mull i over a bit I d be happy to help.

pax tecum

 

[Pat_the_Cat]

:twocents: You AGREED to write a letter of RECOMMENDATION.

rec·om·mend –verb (used with object)

1. to present as worthy of confidence, acceptance, use, etc.; commend; mention favorably: to recommend an applicant for a job; to recommend a book.
2. to make desirable or attractive: a plan that has very little to recommend it. (Dictionary.com)

Maybe next time you will prayerfully consider the consequenses of such an agreement!

“Let your yes be yes, and your no be no”

Also, You do not have the obligation to reveal anything that is not asked of you (unless it would be sinful to do so!)

Hope this helps!

 

[JimG]

To me this doesn’t even require mental reservation. They can ask the question in their way and I can answer it in my way. No question or questioner can require me to reply without thinking. The first thing that comes to mind? That may vary, depending on the time of day you ask me or the circumstances I find myself in, or the person I just talked to. The first thing that comes to mind? On what day or what hour? Sometimes it seems to me that Catholics get too twisted up in scrupulous examinations of their own mental state. Truth doesn’t require snap judgments, or unthinking responses.