Difficult Teenage Sibling

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talitha_koum_1

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First of all Happy Easter everyone! Praying that everyone is having a safe and blessed day today. While I’ve had a great Easter, I’m actually pretty frustrated today and wanted some advice on what to do.

I am the oldest of three girls. My middle sister is going to turn 18 in October and my parents have had a lot of difficulty with her. She is just generally apathetic towards everything and has a giant attitude. She continually alienates herself by not participating in family activities. Day to day home life is stressful due to her inconsiderate behavior and disrespectful remarks, etc. Granted it could be a lot worse, to my knowledge she hasn’t done anything like drugs, drinking, sex, etc. But it still doesn’t erase the fact that day to day life is hard, and I’m struggling with how exactly I should be a better older sister.

For instance, today I spoke to her about some slightly immodest pictures she was posting on instagram. I warned her to be careful because it looked like (from the comments I read on the photos) she was attracting the wrong kind of attention. She got super defensive and angry with me and stormed off. In turn I got angry and have been ignoring her. It’s difficult to know what I should do.

I’ve messed up a lot. For example, I’ve betrayed her trust and told my mom about certain things she was doing when I probably shouldn’t have. I continue to struggle with telling my mom things. I’ll admit, I’m sort of a tattler. We used to be really close but for the past 5 years we’ve been drifting apart. I’m pretty sure its because she doesn’t trust me anymore. I think she looks at me as the lecturing, tattling, uptight older sister. And our family politics are so messy, that it is hard to know what to do without upsetting someone else. Help and prayers please!
 
talitha_koum said:

“For instance, today I spoke to her about some slightly immodest pictures she was posting on instagram. I warned her to be careful because it looked like (from the comments I read on the photos) she was attracting the wrong kind of attention.”

Isn’t that more your mom and dad’s place?

“I’ve messed up a lot. For example, I’ve betrayed her trust and told my mom about certain things she was doing when I probably shouldn’t have. I continue to struggle with telling my mom things. I’ll admit, I’m sort of a tattler. We used to be really close but for the past 5 years we’ve been drifting apart. I’m pretty sure its because she doesn’t trust me anymore. I think she looks at me as the lecturing, tattling, uptight older sister. And our family politics are so messy, that it is hard to know what to do without upsetting someone else. Help and prayers please!”

Be friendly but give her some space and only “tattle” about major stuff (the life and health-threatening stuff you would want and need to know about if you were the mom–like if she’s getting rides from people who are drinking or her best friend has a hard drug habit).

Make more of an effort once one or both of you are living independently. It may just not work to try to do much with your relationship while you’re both living at home. At that point, you can try to remediate the relationship by offering fun, wholesome entertainment. Once you’re a young adult with an income of your own and your own place and she’s still a college student or at home, it will be relatively simple for you to do this. This will be soon, hopefully.

Best wishes!
 
Thanks so much Xantippe! I really like your advice. I was thinking along the same lines, that I’m acting too much like a mom and not enough like a sister. I will just back off for a while and give her space. After all, she doesn’t belong to me or even my parents, she belongs to God. I have faith and hope that in time whatever happens she will let God guide her life and that she will find true freedom and happiness.
 
It is not your job to raise your sister, it is your parents. Are you still living at home? It sounds like you should be out on your own. And as for your sister, it sounds like she needs to do the same.

I believe parents make a huge mistake allowing adult children to stay home unless they are ill, and in rare cases if they are attending a local college. If they are at home they need to live by parents rules, contribute to the financial needs of food, electricity and phone, water and house payments. Otherwise they need to move on.

Since your sister is an adult I guess I would not worry about her actions, and let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like she has been withdrawing for sometime so there are other problems below the surface of this post. Whatever they are, they need to be dealt with. Still if you are of age, think of getting out on your own and move on. Tell your parents you think sissy needs to do the same.
 
talitha_koum said:
First of all Happy Easter everyone! Praying that everyone is having a safe and blessed day today. While I’ve had a great Easter, I’m actually pretty frustrated today and wanted some advice on what to do.

I am the oldest of three girls. My middle sister is going to turn 18 in October and my parents have had a lot of difficulty with her. She is just generally apathetic towards everything and has a giant attitude. She continually alienates herself by not participating in family activities. Day to day home life is stressful due to her inconsiderate behavior and disrespectful remarks, etc. Granted it could be a lot worse, to my knowledge she hasn’t done anything like drugs, drinking, sex, etc. But it still doesn’t erase the fact that day to day life is hard, and I’m struggling with how exactly I should be a better older sister.

For instance, today I spoke to her about some slightly immodest pictures she was posting on instagram. I warned her to be careful because it looked like (from the comments I read on the photos) she was attracting the wrong kind of attention. She got super defensive and angry with me and stormed off. In turn I got angry and have been ignoring her. It’s difficult to know what I should do.

I’ve messed up a lot. For example, I’ve betrayed her trust and told my mom about certain things she was doing when I probably shouldn’t have. I continue to struggle with telling my mom things. I’ll admit, I’m sort of a tattler. We used to be really close but for the past 5 years we’ve been drifting apart. I’m pretty sure its because she doesn’t trust me anymore. I think she looks at me as the lecturing, tattling, uptight older sister. And our family politics are so messy, that it is hard to know what to do without upsetting someone else. Help and prayers please!
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You are way too involved with your sister. she is an adult now and need to grow into her own responsibility. Sometimes the best things for anyone is to let them face the consequences of their own actions. Likewise, you need to stop worrying about her and let your parents do that and you focus on yourself and whatever areas you feel you have messed up on.
 
talitha_koum said:
First of all Happy Easter everyone! Praying that everyone is having a safe and blessed day today. While I’ve had a great Easter, I’m actually pretty frustrated today and wanted some advice on what to do.

I am the oldest of three girls. My middle sister is going to turn 18 in October and my parents have had a lot of difficulty with her. She is just generally apathetic towards everything and has a giant attitude. She continually alienates herself by not participating in family activities. Day to day home life is stressful due to her inconsiderate behavior and disrespectful remarks, etc. Granted it could be a lot worse, to my knowledge she hasn’t done anything like drugs, drinking, sex, etc. But it still doesn’t erase the fact that day to day life is hard, and I’m struggling with how exactly I should be a better older sister.

For instance, today I spoke to her about some slightly immodest pictures she was posting on instagram. I warned her to be careful because it looked like (from the comments I read on the photos) she was attracting the wrong kind of attention. She got super defensive and angry with me and stormed off. In turn I got angry and have been ignoring her. It’s difficult to know what I should do.

I’ve messed up a lot. For example, I’ve betrayed her trust and told my mom about certain things she was doing when I probably shouldn’t have. I continue to struggle with telling my mom things. I’ll admit, I’m sort of a tattler. We used to be really close but for the past 5 years we’ve been drifting apart. I’m pretty sure its because she doesn’t trust me anymore. I think she looks at me as the lecturing, tattling, uptight older sister. And our family politics are so messy, that it is hard to know what to do without upsetting someone else. Help and prayers please!
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It’s hard being the eldest - your parents look to you to look out for the younger kids, and the younger kids resent you for it.

Those days are over, though - you’re a grown up lady now, and it’s time for you to set up your own housekeeping, and, if God wills it, get a husband and children of your own.

Your sister is trying to grow up, too, but she must find it difficult, when every time she tries something risky, she gets shot down for it. At this point, she needs to learn from her own mistakes. She’ll learn caution when she knows that, not only is there no criticism coming, but also, no rescue. But as long as someone (no matter how annoying they are) keeps racing to the rescue, she won’t be able to grow from her mistakes.
 
Cricket2 said:
It is not your job to raise your sister, it is your parents. Are you still living at home? It sounds like you should be out on your own. And as for your sister, it sounds like she needs to do the same.

I believe parents make a huge mistake allowing adult children to stay home unless they are ill, and in rare cases if they are attending a local college. If they are at home they need to live by parents rules, contribute to the financial needs of food, electricity and phone, water and house payments. Otherwise they need to move on.

Since your sister is an adult I guess I would not worry about her actions, and let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like she has been withdrawing for sometime so there are other problems below the surface of this post. Whatever they are, they need to be dealt with. Still if you are of age, think of getting out on your own and move on. Tell your parents you think sissy needs to do the same.
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You really think that her parents should kick out her 17 year old sister??? For what? If she turns 18 in October, she’s probably in her junior year of high school right now. What do you think her odds would be if finishing if her parents kicked her out or started charging her rent? They should at least let her live there until college and on breaks!
 
Hi talitha,

I can understand where you are coming from. When I was younger, I had a difficult relationship with my older sister.

Like you, I really loved my sister, and she was always getting into trouble. She caused a lot of grief for various family members, too, and didn’t make things easy on me, either. She never realized how much I loved her, either.

I guess that I would tell you to “pick your battles with her,” when it comes to what you think needs to be discussed as an issue. If she already mistrusts you, then you might just want to leave her alone until you see an issue come up that you feel might be really important that you need to talk to her about.

Prayers said for you and your family. May God Bless you and your family, dear one.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
You really think that her parents should kick out her 17 year old sister??? For what? If she turns 18 in October, she’s probably in her junior year of high school right now. What do you think her odds would be if finishing if her parents kicked her out or started charging her rent? They should at least let her live there until college and on breaks!
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I do believe the sister is 18, but as far as I am concerned it seems she is close enough. Parents can emancipate their kids at 16, and believe me if this girl keeps acting as described maybe that is just what they need to do. Let her find out what life is like without their help. She will be back in 6 months flat.

Kids have it too easy today and people make too many excuses for them. Time to grow up and there is nothing like fending for yourself to accomplish that.
 
Cricket2 said:
I do believe the sister is 18, but as far as I am concerned it seems she is close enough. Parents can emancipate their kids at 16, and believe me if this girl keeps acting as described maybe that is just what they need to do. Let her find out what life is like without their help. She will be back in 6 months flat.

Kids have it too easy today and people make too many excuses for them. Time to grow up and there is nothing like fending for yourself to accomplish that.
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You want to kick out a 17 year old high school student who isn’t drinking, using drugs, or having sex because she has a bad attitude? Again, she would probably not finish school, or worse, if she were thrown out.

You think parents should kick their kids out at 16??? For the record, parents can’t emancipate their kids in most states. In the event of abuse or neglect, kids can ask the court to emancipate them. But it’s a last resort and considered a very sad, serious thing. Kicking their kid out could very well get them charged with abuse, neglect, or abandonment. And rightfully so.

Great parenting advice.:rolleyes:
 
You seem to be trying really hard and I have to applaud you for that. 🙂

Here’s a couple of things I noticed, however:

-Just because you aren’t aware of any immoral activity going on does not imply that she’s not doing it. Teenagers are very good with hiding their feelings and actions from adults.
-Perhaps I’m a bit biased, but I don’t believe in kicking the sister out. Forcing the girl to live on her own when she’s already feels either misguided or alienated from her family could cause her to hold a life long resentment.
-You seem to be the one that’s taking all the disciplinary measures with her, when its not your place. Your parents should be the ones who try to talk to her.
-Remember that you can’t change people if they don’t want to change themselves. It could be just a rebellious phase she’s going through or something more severe. But don’t beat yourself about it. You chastising her constantly will only aggravate her more. Just focus on yourself and most importantly, pray for her!

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. :console:
 
Kicking out a minor child just for being mouthy and difficult is disproportionate. And no, I don’t think it’s necessarily true she’d be back in 6 months. Or if she did, she’d be back in 6 months, pregnant and with no high school diploma, after having moved in with an older guy.

These parents are so close to the finish line. Unless there is evidence of dramatic misbehavior (harm to siblings, hard drug use, etc.), I think they should suck it up until she’s 18 and graduated from high school. Then, we can deliver the “You are now 18 years old and are considered a legal adult. At this point, we do not legally have to clothe, feed, or house you. If you are living in our house as an adult, you will obey house rules, or you will find another place to live.”
 
The OPs parents are not posting here, so whether the younger sister would or would not be better off moving out is a moot point. If the situation is too hard on the older sister, the OLDER sister can move out, if she wants to. What will happen to the younger sister is out of her control.

If the older sister didn’t “get attitude” at some point between 12 and 20, her parents dodged a bullet. It is par for the course. Just because an adolescent gets angry with you for making some comment or other does not mean they did not need to hear it. It means only that saying it once is probably enough. The point hit home, for better or worse. Let it go, unless your opinion is asked for. She knows what you think.

Spend time with your youngest sister, and give your prickly-minded sister the room that, like it or not, she is asking to get. She may yet grow up and become her better self. In the meantime, let her have the consequences she is asking for. Don’t pine about it and don’t add any drama. This too shall probably pass. In the meantime, let her suffer for her choices. Enjoy the sister who is enjoyable, just as you would pet the cat that purrs when you pet it and avoid the cat that only scratches you or bites when you make an overture. Invite the prickly one to do things with you, but if she declines, merely say, “Suit yourself” and let it go.

As for “tattling,” you ought to tell those things that you’d tell on another friend, one your own age. If you wouldn’t tell on your friend, don’t tell on your 17 year old sister.
 
Cricket2 said:
I believe parents make a huge mistake allowing adult children to stay home unless they are ill, and in rare cases if they are attending a local college. If they are at home they need to live by parents rules, contribute to the financial needs of food, electricity and phone, water and house payments. Otherwise they need to move on.
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Well, the parents aren’t here asking, so this is a moot observation.
 
Please let your parents handle this. Pray for your sister, and be patient. Both my husband and I had sisters who sound a lot like yours. In a couple of years she will decide that she wants to join the human race, and this stuff will stop, but nothing you can do will make it happen any faster. Both of our sisters have grown up to be fine women who are pillars of stability in our families.
 
Marysann said:
Please let your parents handle this. Pray for your sister, and be patient. Both my husband and I had sisters who sound a lot like yours. In a couple of years she will decide that she wants to join the human race, and this stuff will stop, but nothing you can do will make it happen any faster. Both of our sisters have grown up to be fine women who are pillars of stability in our families.
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This is the usual course. If her case of rebellion does not go farther than a bad attitude, that isn’t any fun but could be a lot worse.

OP, don’t give her anything to feel sorry for herself about. She’ll manufacture enough reasons out of thin air; she does not need any help!! 😃

Also, if she provokes you to “drama”, don’t bite. The best thing to do against someone who is “punishing” you by their absence is to let them do the suffering while you go on with life as if nothing about the situation bothers you. If you make a big deal out of how it hurts you when she shuns you, you’re just encouraging her little power trip. The best course is, “well, that’s too bad, we’d have liked to have had you. Oh, well. Suit yourself.” Then proceed as if you’ll not be seeing her, and don’t give it a second thought. She’ll live, and so will you.
 
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