Difficult Wife, Please Advise

[nneedofprayers]

Hello! Perhaps you may be able to help me. I am addressing in particular men who have suffered similarly.

I am having great difficulty with my marriage. Let me first say that there is no danger of divorce or even separation (at least from my end). Divorce is just not a reality in my side of the family. We are both devout Catholics who are committed to each other. But there are problems, I being the source of many of them.

That said, I am having difficulty coping with the personality of my wife. She acts like she wants me to be the head of our household, but then she is constantly overruling me and undermining me in front of our child. I have an employer with unreasonable work expectations and do not get to see our child very often. My wife stays home. She does all the educating, and she does a very good job at it. But she prefers to keep me out of the equation. For example, I might be spending some time with our child and teaching “him or her” how to pronounce a certain word. My wife will snap at me and say that I am overdoing it.

Before I took the GREs, my wife was extremely “high maintenance” due to her stress. I put my studies aside to help her through the difficulties she was enduring. When I received a mediocre score, she was mad at me for a couple of weeks because she did not see me studying as hard as I should have been.

Her biological parents are divorced. But her natural parent and stepparent who raised her are very loving. Yet, they have had their problems. Certain people have what are called worldviews – ways in which they look at the world that dictate their ethos (i.e., pro-lifers [in a good sense], pacifism, feminism, marxism [in a bad sense]). I perceive that my wife views marriage as struggle – that in all things she is in a battle with me to establish herself as powerful. I do not view marriage in this light, but find myself getting pulled into this vortex. And so I fight back, and regret, fight back, and regret. I do not wish to fight at all, but she disempowers me in such an effective and manipulative way that I am pushed to the limits of what I can handle over the tiniest matters. Before I got married, my temper was well in check. I had a peace of soul. But marriage I have found to be more occasion for sin than opportunity for grace.

I wonder sometimes if she is bipolar because the way she acts is not stable – it is hot and cold. She always talks to me about how greatly she misses me when I am at work. And then when I get home if I do not walk through the door in the very way in which she had been fantasizing all day she will sulk in such a manner that our entire home is filled with darkness for the remainder of the eve such that I will wish I were back at work. She has gotten better – I used to get in trouble for genuinely inviting her to pray the rosary with me (like I was trying to control her; no I was just trying to have a prayer life in common, which we still do not have).

I truly have no one to talk to about this because I do not want any friend of mine to think less of my wife because of this. The love I have for our child is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from slipping into a deep regret for the very exchange of our vows. But the longer these circumstances persist, the greater the temptation for me to fall into deep and better resentment.

Please help me. If there are any words at all or help that may be given, especially through prayers or offering of Masses (for those priests who might be reading), I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[floresco]

Please help me. If there are any words at all or help that may be given, especially through prayers or offering of Masses (for those priests who might be reading), I would greatly appreciate it.

I’ll pray. I’ve seen marriages like this. Obviously it is hard on you and she is probably not very happy either.

Would she read books if you suggested them to her or would she see that as controlling behaviour? I’m thinking that some of Dr. Laura’s books could be helpful. (Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands might be good.)

Anyhow, you can only work on yourself. Go to Mass as often as possible and get in the habit of frequent Confession. The grace of the Sacraments should help you with fighting temptations.

 

[cmscms]

I am a woman and I know you asked for men’s advice. but I still wanted to post to say I am sorry you are going through this. From what I read, it sounds like your wife is not willing to take any responsibility in making your marriage work. I am assuming that you have tried to talk to her about things. I will be praying for you

 

[Jane11]

I’m sorry you are going through this. A thing to consider is that she may need more attention than other women because of her background (i.e. abandonment issues no matter how loving her natural and step parent was) and she might not even be aware of it and resent it if you brought it up. Due to possible abandonment issues she may feel the suggestion of praying the rosary together is really telling her that she’s not spiritual enough or good enough for you even though your idea has nothing to do with this. That’s one thing to consider. A suggestion would be to say Chaplets of Divine Mercy for her when you are alone driving instead of listening to the radio or whatever. You may want to consider the intention being, “help me to love her the way she needs to be loved and help her love me the way I need to be loved.” Please let us know how things progress. I have already prayed for you both!

 

[taben]

I too am sorry that you are going through this and will pray for you. Many a wife (and I can be one!) can be very demanding and controlling in the home. It is, of course, NOT God’s will to do this. Continue to pray for your wife and maybe ask her if you two can pray together or better yet, as a family with your children. Pray for peace in the home and any other intentions. She need not know, if you cannot speak with her about it yet, that your prayer for peace is geared toward her interaction toward you. But still, family prayer can help.

Finally, could you make time to see a counselor…just you? May be on your lunch hour? Maybe a counselor or Priest could help you figure out how to approach your wife about your feelings and about, perhaps, getting her to seek help.

I will pray for you. My husband has suffered from a mild emotional health issue for years. It is tough to live with someone who is hot and cold or who can explode or get upset at random times. Eventually he did start to see our Priest and then a counselor and it helped greatly. I went too, and it helped me to learn how to deal with him.

Hang in there…God will see you through!
T

 

[bedfordshire]

Pray. But you know this already…

The other thing to do, if you haven’t already, is to seek sound counseling. A good counselor will help you dissect exactly what is going on, and provide direction and remedies. Sometimes understanding exactly how these emotional power plays take place can be enough to see what to do; sometimes, a personal weakness may make one more vulnerable to them, in which case you can learn what you need to shore up, and how.

Assuming you are Catholic, I urge you to be sure your counselor is orthodox since some of the sins of age greatly affect the counsel that could be offered. If you can’t find a good one locally, try exceptionalmarriages.com/. I’ve found their help invaluable.

Without good help you could spend a lot more time spinning your wheels and accumulating hurt feelings, and I can figure you’ve done enough of that already. Especially where there are children involved, you can best protect them and your marriage by getting some more info and analysis to understand what’s going on between you and your wife.

God bless you!

 

[NguyenKimPhat]

I truly have no one to talk to about this because I do not want any friend of mine to think less of my wife because of this. The love I have for our child is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from slipping into a deep regret for the very exchange of our vows. But the longer these circumstances persist, the greater the temptation for me to fall into deep and better resentment.

Right now, you may receive so many different advices on this forum, but the only solution for your problem is TALKING TO YOUR WIFE openly about this. She is not afraid to snap at you and dominate you; why should you be afraid to open discuss this major problem with her?

Talking on this forum is a good thing, but it is not the final solution to your marriage problem - you NEED to talk to your wife.

 

[EasterJoy]

GRE…you are pursuing or have an advanced degree. She’s staying at home. My husband and I both have advanced degrees. He works, I stay at home. This is a good arrangement, but it isn’t an easy one. Prayer is irreplaceable. It helps, though, to realize what you’re up against, and learn to see the situation through each other’s eyes.

This is a situation where very often the wife stays at home, with no hobbies, while hubby works too much, also with no hobbies. Or, maybe they have hobbies or things they do for entertainment, but they feel guilty about them. Very often, there is no date night. The outside interests they enjoy together are rarely enjoyed together any more, or are a thing of the past. Rather, the wife has almost no waking hours when she does not feel she ought to be taking care of the home or the family. No matter when the husband goes to bed, there are e-mails or other projects from work that he is behind on. When the couple goes to parties populated with the educated professional in the husband’s circle, people ask her “what do you do?” Even if the questions are innocently meant, she questions herself whether she is making enough of what she is sacrificing herself for. Why? You don’t give up what the whole world tells you should want and have nothing to show for it. You wonder if you shouldn’t have results to show yourself, and sometimes you want those results to belong to you alone.

I would not trade my situation for a faculty position at a university, but if your relationship as husband and wife is not tended to, if you don’t each have the permission from yourselves and from each other to be less than perfect, this arrangement is a recipe for mutual resentment.

Counselling would be a good idea, but short of that you might also get the help you need from outside reading. Consider “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. I recommend this book because it is based on research into what features were common to marriages that failed and to those that succeed. I thought it gave great insight into the “red flags” that signal a marriage in trouble, the nasty little habits that rot a relationship little by little, as well as the wonderful little things that seem like nothing but make all the difference. If you read the book and see signs that you might benefit from joint counselling, do not delay in getting it. If your first counsellor doesn’t help, don’t quit. Just find a new counsellor. But perhaps you will see little things you do infrequently that make a great difference…both good and bad. Concentrating on quitting the little bad habits and increasing the great little habits can make a huge difference.

If you are going to live the sacrament of your marriage, you have to do more than refuse to fail. It good to avoid legal divorce, but that isn’t good enough, not if you end in emotional divorce. Being Catholic is no guarantee against that. That takes true commitment to each other, and that requires pursuit of a positive, not mere refusal of a negative. You will be surprised at how the little things count. Do yourself a favor, and study what it takes to make a great marriage as diligently as you studied for your GRE. You won’t regret it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Right now, you may receive so many different advices on this forum, but the only solution for your problem is TALKING TO YOUR WIFE openly about this. She is not afraid to snap at you and dominate you; why should you be afraid to open discuss this major problem with her?

Talking on this forum is a good thing, but it is not the final solution to your marriage problem - you NEED to talk to your wife.

Gottman’s book, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, concentrates on communication and how what one person says and what the other hears can differ greatly. I’d recommend that one, too.

I know very few women who won’t read a relationship book if their husband is willing to read it, too. You remember why you married her. She is still there, inside the “hot and cold” of a situation that is not easy to cope with. Tell her you want one life, where you and she cope with her work and you and she cope with your work, and when it is all over you can look back together and say, “By the grace of God, the Lord brought us here. We made it. Together, we did it.” That is what marriage is all about.

 

[nneedofprayers]

Thank you all so very much for the heartfelt and thought-out responses. I am so encouraged to see the support in all of this. My wife is a wonderful woman and I love her dearly. So much good insight, particularly about the possibility of counseling and her abandonment issues – so true. I will think deeply about your words. Thank you abundantly!

 

[joandarc2008]

I am a woman - but I just ask one question - does she get a chance - between being a wife, a mom, homeshooling?(I think I picked that up between the lines), and a housewife, to pursue her own hobbies outside the house. This could negatively detract from her own self-worh.

 

[Musician]

My husband could write you a book on how to deal with difficult women: ME! I was nearly impossible to live with for years. It wasn’t until we went to an Alpha Marriage course that I realized how much I was hurting my DH by not respecting him, especially in front of others (and that includes children). By not admiring him like he needed to be; by criticizing him and the way he did things.
It is very possible that your wife doesn’t realize how she comes across. Maybe you could write her a letter with lots of affection and just tell her how you feel. In the mean time, do all you can to be a good husband!

 

[defenderoftruth]

I’ll pray. I’ve seen marriages like this. Obviously it is hard on you and she is probably not very happy either.

Would she read books if you suggested them to her or would she see that as controlling behaviour? I’m thinking that some of Dr. Laura’s books could be helpful. (Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands might be good.)

Anyhow, you can only work on yourself. Go to Mass as often as possible and get in the habit of frequent Confession. The grace of the Sacraments should help you with fighting temptations.

I second Dr. Laura’s book mentioned above. Good book! Good advice!

 

[floresco]

I second Dr. Laura’s book mentioned above. Good book! Good advice!

After thinking about it, I’m wonder if Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage might be better for this situation than Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. The former is directed at both spouses while the latter is directed at wives. The OP’s wife might be more open to read a book if they were both reading it and both working on the marriage.

DoT, have you read both? What do you think?

 

[nneedofprayers]

I am a woman - but I just ask one question - does she get a chance - between being a wife, a mom, homeshooling?(I think I picked that up between the lines), and a housewife, to pursue her own hobbies outside the house. This could negatively detract from her own self-worh.

She gets more than a chance. She spends a great deal of time pursuing those things. She finds time for hobbies, TV, crafts.

She takes offense at anything. We could be having the most pleasant day. Today for example, nice dinner. On the way home, she asked to stop and get something. “Are you going to be able to help me with [a work-related task that I have to do tonight],” I asked. (She has been very manipulative about not helping me or helping me out only on her own terms.) Then I get scolded in front of our daughter about how not very nice that was and what does one thing have to do with the other.

I am tired of having anything I do or say turned into a source of emoting and resentment on her part. I do not know what to do. For Nguyen who suggested I talk with her about this, I understand completely the importance of conversation in marriage. The problem is whatever concern I bring, no matter how gentle I present it, I get total bitterness and unreceptivity. I have tried everything. Communication is constantly attempted, but futile, or too painful to merit attempting because of her overreaction to anything. And because of how greatly I am scorned, I am altogether ready to throw in the towel on such attempts.

 

[Jane11]

She takes offense at anything. We could be having the most pleasant day. Today for example, nice dinner. On the way home, she asked to stop and get something. “Are you going to be able to help me with [a work-related task that I have to do tonight],” I asked. (She has been very manipulative about not helping me or helping me out only on her own terms.) Then I get scolded in front of our daughter about how not very nice that was and what does one thing have to do with the other.
QUOTE]

Do you think she has entered menopause because personally that’s what it sounds like to me, either that or a hormonal imbalance? While hormones are great things they can be horrible, horrible to women at certain times of our life - like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! If that’s the case, believe me, she hates herself for how she acts and has no control over it. Personally, all the chemicals and genetic modification in our food to make it easier for farmers to grow (pesticides in the actual seeds and on them at planting) and for places like Monsanto to actually patent food seeds has done a HUGE disservice to our bodies. Chemicals and things our bodies don’t know what to do with are stored in fat and hormones, yeah, I know - ugh - but it’s made our hormones way, way, worse. It sounds hormonal to me.

 

[whatevergirl]

She gets more than a chance. She spends a great deal of time pursuing those things. She finds time for hobbies, TV, crafts.

She takes offense at anything. We could be having the most pleasant day. Today for example, nice dinner. On the way home, she asked to stop and get something. “Are you going to be able to help me with [a work-related task that I have to do tonight],” I asked. (She has been very manipulative about not helping me or helping me out only on her own terms.) Then I get scolded in front of our daughter about how not very nice that was and what does one thing have to do with the other.

I am tired of having anything I do or say turned into a source of emoting and resentment on her part. I do not know what to do. For Nguyen who suggested I talk with her about this, I understand completely the importance of conversation in marriage. The problem is whatever concern I bring, no matter how gentle I present it, I get total bitterness and unreceptivity. I have tried everything. Communication is constantly attempted, but futile, or too painful to merit attempting because of her overreaction to anything. And because of how greatly I am scorned, I am altogether ready to throw in the towel on such attempts.

*Stand up for yourself. Short of a serious disorder, your wife shouldn’t be treating you like this…If you were a woman, and your husband were talking and treating you this way …many here would call this an emotionally abusive relationship. But, when a woman does it…oh, it must be a disorder, or menopause, or some other wide list of excuses. Those could be reasons, but bottom line…your wife can control herself. Is she nice to others besides you? Probably. So, if she can control herself to be nice to others, why not you? STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Say, I really do not like how you are speaking to me…(of course, not in front of your daughter) do this alone in another room…but it has to be said.

You don’t have to walk on eggshells to stay married…no one should have to live like that. Hormones or whatever…she needs to start treating you with respect and kindness…I’ll be praying things get better.*

 

[Em_in_FL]

She gets more than a chance. She spends a great deal of time pursuing those things. She finds time for hobbies, TV, crafts.

She takes offense at anything. We could be having the most pleasant day. Today for example, nice dinner. On the way home, she asked to stop and get something. “Are you going to be able to help me with [a work-related task that I have to do tonight],” I asked. (She has been very manipulative about not helping me or helping me out only on her own terms.) Then I get scolded in front of our daughter about how not very nice that was and what does one thing have to do with the other.

I am tired of having anything I do or say turned into a source of emoting and resentment on her part. I do not know what to do. For Nguyen who suggested I talk with her about this, I understand completely the importance of conversation in marriage. The problem is whatever concern I bring, no matter how gentle I present it, I get total bitterness and unreceptivity. I have tried everything. Communication is constantly attempted, but futile, or too painful to merit attempting because of her overreaction to anything. And because of how greatly I am scorned, I am altogether ready to throw in the towel on such attempts.

Stand up for yourself. Short of a serious disorder, your wife shouldn’t be treating you like this…If you were a woman, and your husband were talking and treating you this way …many here would call this an emotionally abusive relationship. But, when a woman does it…oh, it must be a disorder, or menopause, or some other wide list of excuses. Those could be reasons, but bottom line…your wife can control herself. Is she nice to others besides you? Probably. So, if she can control herself to be nice to others, why not you? STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Say, I really do not like how you are speaking to me…(of course, not in front of your daughter) do this alone in another room…but it has to be said.

You don’t have to walk on eggshells to stay married…no one should have to live like that. Hormones or whatever…she needs to start treating you with respect and kindness…I’ll be praying things get better.

I agree with whatevergirl… it’s time to stand up for yourself.

I’m sorry, but if she has time to pursue her interests in fun, then she doesn’t need to be giving you a hard time about helping or scolding you like a child. Maybe she needs to spend more time with adults and open her personality aperture a little - it seems as though her singular role as “mother” needs to be opened up a little to include “wife”, “spouse”, “partner”, and “lover”…

Heck - I *never *have time for fun little hobbies and side interests - and if I EVER treated my husband like that - O.M.G. he would not tolerate that one minute! But it’s quite a mutual respect.

Stand up for yourself as the HUSBAND of your relationship - not only as “Father Figure” or “Head of Household”… none of those words were in your marital vows.

Remember (and remind your wife as well) that you took VOWS of marriage, not parenthood. Becoming parents is a gift of the SACRAMENT of marriage, but the primary part of that equation is the MARRIAGE… and it seems like maybe both of you have forgotten that.

 

[joandarc2008]

She gets more than a chance. She spends a great deal of time pursuing those things. She finds time for hobbies, TV, crafts.

My Question has still not been answered - does she get time OUTSIDE THE HOUSE, WITH OTHER ADULTS, to do these things. If not this could be a major source of resentment. I don’t mean to be harsh - but between the fact that you originally came on here and asked for only a male perspective, blame only your wife, take no responsiblity,and have only indirectly answered my question you seem to be hedging around this answer.

 

[floresco]

My Question has still not been answered - does she get time OUTSIDE THE HOUSE, WITH OTHER ADULTS, ]to do these things. If not this could be a major source of resentment. I don’t mean to be harsh - but between the fact that you originally came on here and asked for only a male perspective, blame only your wife, take no responsiblity,and have only indirectly answered my question you seem to be hedging around this answer.

The OP did answer your question. He very clearly said yes.

Maybe he wants advice from men because he is tired of the “it’s always the man’s fault” perspective that is so common among women. (I admit that I may be projecting my own feelings on this.)

I have not noticed you saying anything to the women who post about marriage problems and blame their husbands. Do you only think this is a problem when a man does it?