Difficult Wife, Please Advise

[gardenswithkids]

…I am pushed to the limits of what I can handle over the tiniest matters. Before I got married, my temper was well in check. I had a peace of soul. But marriage I have found to be more occasion for sin than opportunity for grace.
…

This stood out to me. Before you married, you think you had your temper in check and you had peace. Good thing you got married so you could find out what you are really like! That’s one of the graces of marriage and children and family–they help expose who we really are by pushing us to our limits.

I’m a really, really nice person as long as I get enough sleep and regular feeding, and as long as nobody ever does anything I don’t like. Then there’s who I am at the other times, like when I’m tired and hungry and the kids need more than I think I have to give. That’s the real me too. If we didn’t sometimes have days that push us to our limits, our limits would narrow rather than expand. It’s a bit like the exercise motto: no pain, no gain. Every opportunity for sin is also an opportunity for grace. God’s giving you more opportunities for grace than you might like.

I’m not saying your marriage sounds like it’s perfect. It doesn’t. But it seems to me from reading your post that you have room to work on yourself as well as your marriage. And if you truly suspect your wife has some form of mental illness, I suggest you somehow seek help for her.

Edit: I want to add that simply over-indulging your wife and always giving into her difficult personality would not be in her best interest. I hope I didn’t imply that in what I wrote above. Right now, I’m dealing with a difficult relative whose husband recently passed away after years of putting up with her bad behavior in their marriage. I think he contributed to making her who she is right now-and I’ve seen her behavior grow worse over the years. If you think your wife’s behavior is irrational and unstable, you somehow need to help her overcome that without committing sin.

 

[joandarc2008]

The OP did answer your question. He very clearly said yes.

Maybe he wants advice from men because he is tired of the “it’s always the man’s fault” perspective that is so common among women. (I admit that I may be projecting my own feelings on this.)

I have not noticed you saying anything to the women who post about marriage problems and blame their husbands. Do you only think this is a problem when a man does it?

No, everything that he said his wife had time for involved being in the house alone. I hear a lot of I and She and not We. That is what marriage is about.

My recommendation to the OP is to start counseling with a priest - if she will go - good - if not you are bound to get something out of it regardless. I would also try to reinstate date night.

 

[RachelKH]

gardenswithkids makes lots of good sense – we need to see our situations as opportunities to grow, not just suffering to endure! change and growth are scary, difficult, take effort, but are the only way to be who God wants us to ‘grow up’ to be! prayers for you and us all as we choose this pathway to heaven!

ps – we women really truly want a strong, good, guiding man in our lives! i’m starting to read Fatherless, along with a few other helpful books, to see how important a good man is!

 

[StJudePray4Me]

The OP did answer your question. He very clearly said yes.

Maybe he wants advice from men because he is tired of the “it’s always the man’s fault” perspective that is so common among women. (I admit that I may be projecting my own feelings on this.)

I have not noticed you saying anything to the women who post about marriage problems and blame their husbands. Do you only think this is a problem when a man does it?

I don’t know – I see an awful lot of threads around here from both men & women, where they describe their marital problems as pretty one-sided. I don’t think it’s just them men, or just the women. I think joandarc is just trying to point out to the OP that his wife might have a real reason to be depressed, or angry, or whatever, and that perhaps he needed to put himself in her shoes for a minute.

I think most marital problems involve both people’s actions, at least in part. I wondered when reading his posts, if his wife was so defensive and angry because she feels his disapproval and frustration with her, and she doesn’t trust him.

Of course, it’s impossible for any of us on this board to know for sure. After all, there’s 3 sides to every story – his, hers and the truth. I don’t think it’s bad advice to the OP to take a good, long, hard look at himself and see if he is not, on some level, contributing the problem. If he is as blameless as he claims, then I think his wife must be mentally ill, in which case, perhaps he should seek medical help.

 

[joandarc2008]

And don’t get me wrong - not excusing the way she is dealing with it - I am just saying there may be an underlying issue to it.

 

[Serap]

Thanks for starting this thread. I got some great info on the responses.

You sound like a very smart man who has figured a lot out on your own. I too have abandonment issues as does my husband and between the two of us, we can sometimes have a very dysfunctional marriage.

I see this a lot…two great people get married…they really love eachother…the kids come along and all the focus goes onto the kids…the marriage isn’t being nurtured enough and it begins to suffer…the abandonment issues get even worse b/c the stress of having kids brings out our weaknesses…the marriage suffers even more. The couple begin to give up on their marriage and just stick it out for the kids. The kids grow up…the couple has grown apart. The end result is either divorce or a starving marriage.

My husband and I are also guilty of this too. I am sometimes your wife and my husband is sometimes your wife

I honestly think that this is quite normal for marriages with youngsters and we just have to try and keep up the communication, read self-help books and work it through. People just don’t talk about it…like you said you wouldn’t talk about it with your friends. Some of your friends are probably going through the exact same thing and they too don’t want to talk about it.

You guys need to sit down and have a chat when you are both in a good mood and the kids are not around. It may even be more beneficial to do this in front of a priest, so you have an unbiased person to help you guys get through it.

Lots of prayers to you. I have heard from older couples that it does get better again and the romance comes back. I’m hoping it’s true My marriage sure could use some romance again…heck we haven’t even had a date for almost 3 years!!!

 

[JohnnyK]

I would suggest finding a good Catholic therapist for you both to see together. If she would not consent to going, go by yourself.

 

[belmontmac]

Don’t know what the feeling of Dr Phil is here on CAF, but he has a good book called Relationship Rescue that I am in the midst of reading, as my wife and I also have our share of issues. I do have to admit, I am not the biggest fan of Dr. Phil, no particular reason, but my wife sure is, so I thought if I read a book by him, she might see that as a real step. She’s reading it too, and its pretty good.

Edit- By step I mean, first book I’ve read in the past 2 years that isn’t about the Church or God.

 

[belmontmac]

My marriage sure could use some romance again…heck we haven’t even had a date for almost 3 years!!!

WOW, and I thought a year was a long time.

 

[joandarc2008]

I think whoever hasn’t had any marital issues at one point or another should go check under the bed for the milkman!!! It is what we do with them.

 

[floresco]

I don’t know – I see an awful lot of threads around here from both men & women, where they describe their marital problems as pretty one-sided. I don’t think it’s just them men, or just the women. I think joandarc is just trying to point out to the OP that his wife might have a real reason to be depressed, or angry, or whatever, and that perhaps he needed to put himself in her shoes for a minute.

Men and women may be equally one-sided in their posts but it seems to me that they get different responses. I have the impression from the marriage threads that I’ve read (admittedly not that many) that women who complain about their husbands get:

“He is abusive. He is a psychopath.You should leave him. Find out if you have grounds for annullment. Men are bad, bad, bad.”

In contrast, when a man complains about his wife, he gets:

“She must have underlying problems. You are probably causing her behaviour. Try seeing her side of things.”

 

[Jea9]

Men and women may be equally one-sided in their posts but it seems to me that they get different responses. I have the impression from the marriage threads that I’ve read (admittedly not that many) that women who complain about their husbands get:

“He is abusive. He is a psychopath.You should leave him. Find out if you have grounds for annullment. Men are bad, bad, bad.”

In contrast, when a man complains about his wife, he gets:

“She must have underlying problems. You are probably causing her behaviour. Try seeing her side of things.”

This! I totally agree with this, people here tend to be much more sympathetic to women then to men. I can’t tell you how many threads I’ve read where people are advising that the husband is a narcissistic abuser. You can’t possibly KNOW that from one person’s side of the story.

I think all of this boils down to communication, OP. I’ve only been married 8 months, so I don’t have personal experience with this but plenty of people here have lots of positive things to say about Retrouville (sp?). You’ll be given tools to help you communicate better with your wife. It’s a great place to start.

 

[Serap]

Men and women may be equally one-sided in their posts but it seems to me that they get different responses. I have the impression from the marriage threads that I’ve read (admittedly not that many) that women who complain about their husbands get:

“He is abusive. He is a psychopath.You should leave him. Find out if you have grounds for annullment. Men are bad, bad, bad.”

In contrast, when a man complains about his wife, he gets:

“She must have underlying problems. You are probably causing her behaviour. Try seeing her side of things.”

I KNOW!!!

That’s why on the other thread about the woman saying she was in a bad situation, I was the one standing up for the man saying that we shouldn’t judge strangers and give bad advice.

I hate this double standard too! It really urks me! I was thinking the same as you and in fact, some of the posters on this thread saying that the man may be the problem were the same ones on the other thread telling the woman her husband’s a bad guy

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Dear nneedofprayers,

I don’t have too much to advise at this point. But I have been praying for you and your family.

Perhaps the only advice I can give is this: your wife needs to be confronted in a controlled setting, in the presence of your parish priest, spiritual advisor, or therapist, with the seriously damaging aspects of her behavior. A friend of mine, who had a difficult wife, divorced after sixteen (16) years of marriage. He was a patient and committed man, but apparently in the end, he just had enough… I’m not saying that you should divorce. But I do say that the kind of behavior you described in your posts has been known to seriously damage, and sometimes destroy, marriages.

---

Reading various posts in the thread, I think Floresco and Serap have a point.

Here’s what the OP says:

She acts like she wants me to be the head of our household, but then she is constantly overruling me and undermining me in front of our child. I have an employer with unreasonable work expectations and do not get to see our child very often. My wife stays home. She does all the educating, and she does a very good job at it. But she prefers to keep me out of the equation. For example, I might be spending some time with our child and teaching “him or her” how to pronounce a certain word. My wife will snap at me and say that I am overdoing it.

Before I took the GREs, my wife was extremely “high maintenance” due to her stress. I put my studies aside to help her through the difficulties she was enduring. When I received a mediocre score, she was mad at me for a couple of weeks because she did not see me studying as hard as I should have been.

Her biological parents are divorced. But her natural parent and stepparent who raised her are very loving. Yet, they have had their problems. Certain people have what are called worldviews – ways in which they look at the world that dictate their ethos (i.e., pro-lifers [in a good sense], pacifism, feminism, marxism [in a bad sense]). I perceive that my wife views marriage as struggle – that in all things she is in a battle with me to establish herself as powerful. I do not view marriage in this light, but find myself getting pulled into this vortex. And so I fight back, and regret, fight back, and regret. I do not wish to fight at all, but she disempowers me in such an effective and **manipulative way **that I am pushed to the limits of what I can handle over the tiniest matters. Before I got married, my temper was well in check. I had a peace of soul. But marriage I have found to be more occasion for sin than opportunity for grace.

I wonder sometimes if she is bipolar because the way she acts is not stable – it is hot and cold. She always talks to me about how greatly she misses me when I am at work. And then when I get home if I do not walk through the door in the very way in which she had been fantasizing all day she will sulk in such a manner that our entire home is filled with darkness for the remainder of the eve such that I will wish I were back at work. She has gotten better – I used to get in trouble for genuinely inviting her to pray the rosary with me (like I was trying to control her; no I was just trying to have a prayer life in common, which we still do not have).

And in his next post:

She takes offense at anything. We could be having the most pleasant day. Today for example, nice dinner. On the way home, she asked to stop and get something. “Are you going to be able to help me with [a work-related task that I have to do tonight],” I asked. (She has been very manipulative about not helping me or helping me out only on her own terms.) **Then I get scolded in front of our daughter **about how not very nice that was and what does one thing have to do with the other.

I am tired of **having anything I do or say turned into a source of emoting and resentment **on her part. I do not know what to do. For Nguyen who suggested I talk with her about this, I understand completely the importance of conversation in marriage. The problem is whatever concern I bring, no matter how gentle I present it, I get total bitterness and unreceptivity. I have tried everything. Communication is constantly attempted, but futile, or too painful to merit attempting because of her overreaction to anything. And because of how greatly I am scorned, I am altogether ready to throw in the towel on such attempts.

Based on the parts I bolded, the OP is being treated really badly and is in a lot of pain, quite understandably. I think that instead of looking for excuses and explanations for the wife’s behavior, we should focus on this: this is BAD BEHAVIOR, and she needs to STOP IT.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I KNOW!!!

That’s why on the other thread about the woman saying she was in a bad situation, I was the one standing up for the man saying that we shouldn’t judge strangers and give bad advice.

I hate this double standard too! It really urks me! I was thinking the same as you and in fact, some of the posters on this thread saying that the man may be the problem were the same ones on the other thread telling the woman her husband’s a bad guy

Hmmm. This is interesting. I wonder if it’s due to societal norms, where generally speaking, women are abused by men more often than vice versa. I know I tend to sympathize with the women because I feel like women are put in a position of powerlessness way more than men are.

I also sometimes think it’s in the presentation. Sometimes in the women’s threads, they do more of the “What am I doing wrong? Is this normal?” which makes you think right off the bat that they are blaming themselves. In a lot of the men’s threads, it’s more along the lines of “I’ve done everything I can, but my wife is impossible,” which definitely makes a different first impression.

But I will take your excellent point and read these threads with more of a critical eye, and try to make sure I’m not being “sexist” in my replies!

 

[Serap]

Hmmm. This is interesting. I wonder if it’s due to societal norms, where generally speaking, women are abused by men more often than vice versa. I know I tend to sympathize with the women because I feel like women are put in a position of powerlessness way more than men are.

I also sometimes think it’s in the presentation. Sometimes in the women’s threads, they do more of the “What am I doing wrong? Is this normal?” which makes you think right off the bat that they are blaming themselves. In a lot of the men’s threads, it’s more along the lines of “I’ve done everything I can, but my wife is impossible,” which definitely makes a different first impression.

But I will take your excellent point and read these threads with more of a critical eye, and try to make sure I’m not being “sexist” in my replies!

Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s easier to sympathize with the women, but men handle abuse differently than women do and men tend to rationalize it more than women do.

If I ever hear that the children are being abused…DIFFERENT STORY!!! Then I am all over the abusive parent on these threads

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Based on the parts I bolded, the OP is being treated really badly and is in a lot of pain, quite understandably. I think that instead of looking for excuses and explanations for the wife’s behavior, we should focus on this: this is BAD BEHAVIOR, and she needs to STOP IT.

I agree that she needs to stop the behavior. The question remains: how can you get someone else to change her behavior? She didn’t ask us for advice; her husband did.

Your advice about confronting her in a controlled setting might very well be what’s needed to get her to change. But if she doesn’t want to talk about it or make changes to her behavior, there might be some things the op can do.

Many things in life fall into patterns–and behavior often follows a pattern. The op think his wife behavior erratically, (and maybe she does) but a thorough examination might reveal some type of pattern. And… (covering and ducking)…I suggest that he consider if his wife’s monthly cycle plays a part in the pattern. I base that suggestion on my own self because I discovered through careful charting of my emotions that have a much lower tolerance to otherwise mildly annoying things when I’m hormonally challenged.

Discovering patterns might help to make changes in the wife’s behavior (at least to some degree) by changing the pattern. Counselling sessions often help by revealing patterns that are otherwise difficult to recognize. Making improvements by getting rid of one’s own small sins sometimes improves a difficult situation. On the spiritual side, I believe that prayers and sacrifices help change particularly difficult patterns too.

I really do sympathize with the op. Sometimes people are difficult and unreasonable. We’re called *not *to be difficult and unreasonable even when we encounter other people who are. And I really need to do a better job of taking my own advice to help me deal with a particularly difficult family member…

 

[catharina]

She gets more than a chance. She spends a great deal of time pursuing those things. She finds time for hobbies, TV, crafts.

She takes offense at anything. We could be having the most pleasant day. Today for example, nice dinner. On the way home, she asked to stop and get something. “Are you going to be able to help me with [a work-related task that I have to do tonight],” I asked. (She has been very manipulative about not helping me or helping me out only on her own terms.) Then I get scolded in front of our daughter about how not very nice that was and what does one thing have to do with the other.

I am tired of having anything I do or say turned into a source of emoting and resentment on her part. I do not know what to do. For Nguyen who suggested I talk with her about this, I understand completely the importance of conversation in marriage. The problem is whatever concern I bring, no matter how gentle I present it, I get total bitterness and unreceptivity. I have tried everything. Communication is constantly attempted, but futile, or too painful to merit attempting because of her overreaction to anything. And because of how greatly I am scorned, I am altogether ready to throw in the towel on such attempts.

You might want to spend more time on self-reflection.

She requests you stop the car.
You ask will she be willing to help you later.
WHAT? That’s a total disconnect.

Why make it a bargaining exchange?
You are MARRIED to this woman.
Is everything supposed to be a even trade-off for you to be willing to cooperate???

Your question was NOT very nice and what DOES one thing have to do with the other?
Look to yourself. You seem to be engaged in a war that you MUST win. Goofy, IMO.