Difficulty with a friend

[catherinewalty7]

My husband and I are struggling with a mutual close friend. She has been very depressed for several years, self harming and has attempted suicide a couple of times. She is seeing a therapist and is also on anti-depressants, but does not seem to be improving. Both of us have really tried to be there for her in lots of different ways over the years, but things have become more difficult recently.

We got married 6 months ago, and our relationship with our friend did not seem to have changed. A couple of weeks ago though, she sent me several messages in the middle of the night, saying that I’m her best friend, and that my marriage to my husband is making her jealous. She was angry that I was not making her my priority and that she thinks she will no longer be part of our lives as we are thinking about starting a family. I did not react to these messages, as I felt that they were written when she was upset and I thought that bringing them up might upset her further. However, she has now rung my husband and told him similar things.

Both my husband and myself feel hurt and shocked by what she has said. It seems to have totally come out of the blue. We really want to be there for her, and acknowledge that we may not be able to be there for her as much as we have been. We don’t really know what to do - any advice would be appreciated!

Please pray for our friend.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Sounds like your friend is selfishly using you both and is truly jealous because she wants your attention to herself. That may be part of her mental illness, which you cannot help her with. Does she drink at all? Middle of the night messages can be a hallmark of alcoholics. But she wouldn’t have to drink, just a random point that struck me.

I think you need to distance yourself from this friend and let her therapist deal with her. She may cause disruption in your marriage from here on out. She needs more help than you can give her, except for praying.

 

[Allegra]

I say offer it up. God needs you to be this person’s friend despite the fact that she is obviously nuts.

 

[White_Peony]

Introduce her to the rosary. That’s what got me out of depression.

 

[Peggy_in_Burien]

I had a situation that is so similar to yours that it is chilling.

My marriage was nearly ruined and I was exhausted trying to meet the never ending needs of my “friend.” For a long time I was trapped by guilt, thinking that this person had no one else (well, no one else who would put up with as much as I would), that it was my Christian duty to take care of her needs. She was totally selfish, even to the point of jealousy of how much time I spent with my children as well as my husband.

After one of her suicide attempts (attention getters, really), I spent three weeks with her on my living room couch, because her doctor told me I shouldn’t leave her alone. I carted her off to therapy each day, as well, because she said she couldn’t trust herself to drive, leaving my kids with the after school sitters. At the end of the three weeks, I asked her if she couldn’t please drive herself to her therapy the next day, because I was exhausted. She spent the rest of the ride home (30 minutes) screaming at me, really screaming. She claimed I wasn’t a good friend, that I was abandoning her, and every filthy word was hurled at me.

I was in tears when I got home. I was a basket case, and felt as if I had done every wrong thing in the world. My mother and another friend convinced me that I needed a break from this woman; that I was out of perspective to be setting my family’s needs aside in order to take care of this woman.

The woman didn’t call me back for another 4 months. I had so much peace in those 4 months. She had found new “friends” to suck dry. This was 20 years ago, and although I do hear from her, it is not nearly as often as before. She still has all her same problems, and tries to suck me back into her life, but I resist. My children are grown, my husband is gone, but, we were spared any more of her drama.

As another poster already pointed out, this type of person is beyond needing just friendship. They need professional help. Some people are also just naturally selfish. I pray for this woman and help her out occasionally, but she only calls just once or twice a year these days. You need to take care of your sanity for the sake of your marriage. Your marriage and your family need to come first in your life–that is the vocation you have committed yourself to since you married, and God respects and honors that. We have to remember our stations in life–yours and mine were not professional therapists; ours is to take care of our families. I know it will seem hard for you, as you are good people and you will feel guilt, but you must put your marriage first. This person is toxic to your marriage with her jealousy. She had no right to make a claim on you as she is trying to do.

I will be praying for you. You need all your spiritual strength. You will need your moral strength. You will need your physical strength. Take care in each other’s arms, you and your husband.

 

[Catholic1954]

My husband and I are struggling with a mutual close friend. She has been very depressed for several years, self harming and has attempted suicide a couple of times. She is seeing a therapist and is also on anti-depressants, but does not seem to be improving. Both of us have really tried to be there for her in lots of different ways over the years, but things have become more difficult recently.

We got married 6 months ago, and our relationship with our friend did not seem to have changed. A couple of weeks ago though, she sent me several messages in the middle of the night, saying that I’m her best friend, and that my marriage to my husband is making her jealous. She was angry that I was not making her my priority and that she thinks she will no longer be part of our lives as we are thinking about starting a family. I did not react to these messages, as I felt that they were written when she was upset and I thought that bringing them up might upset her further. However, she has now rung my husband and told him similar things.

Both my husband and myself feel hurt and shocked by what she has said. It seems to have totally come out of the blue. We really want to be there for her, and acknowledge that we may not be able to be there for her as much as we have been. We don’t really know what to do - any advice would be appreciated!

Please pray for our friend.

It is time to end this friendship and focus on your husband and the family you are planning to have together. You might suggest that she try another therapist, she doesn’t seem to be making progress with one she has now. And of course, pray, pray,pray.

 

[novelista]

She is a grown woman. It is not your responsibility to take care of her. Give her the resources she needs (i.e., suicide hotline numbers, etc.) and then attend to your own family. She’s a psychic vampire and will continue to suck you dry, much as the other poster above experienced.

She has to want to help herself get better. [BIBLEDRB][/BIBLEDRB]

 

[Trishie]

It is sad that she is lonely and out of control. May God save and protect her.

She isn’t your friend nor your husband’s. You both have been hers but she isn’t yours.
God grant she will get the help she needs which is beyond anything you and your husband can give. To give into her demands or to simply tolerate their continuation, is to affirm her in selfish and destructive behavior.

She needs your prayers, and as has been suggested, you can encourage her to seek help and suggest possibilities. She is responsible for her own choices so guilt is out of place.

It’s up to you both to decide if you should tell her that her behavior and demands have crossed a line. I wonder if you need to seek advice on this in case she tries emotional blackmail in the form of serious self-harm.

If she persists in these unreasonable contacts and demands, maybe you need to say, “I’m not listening to this. It is unacceptable pressure. Our marriage is important and we must always be first with each other. This does not mean we don’t care about you.” That would be a reasonable statement, but from what you’ve shared, her response might not be. That isn’t your fault. It is her responsibility.

God bless you and your husband.

 

[mandajane]

Introduce her to the rosary. That’s what got me out of depression.

YES. When I began showing signs of numerous mental illnesses as a teenager, my mother sent me to a psychiatrist, but I went to the priest I felt closest to as well. He gave me a rosary, and told me to pray daily, and especially when things got hard.

For me, praying the rosary has become one of the little rituals I use every day, to keep myself calm. I also pray to St. Dymphna for intercession. It really helps.