Difficulty with thoughts

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millstreet

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Good morning.
I struggle with a lot of things, but my biggest issue is controlling my thoughts. My question is, can thoughts violate the commandments? For example, I am married (pretty happily), but I often think about another married woman we both know. When I do, what I’m thinking sometimes sexual, and sometimes extend to imagined scenarios and maybe even hopeful thoughts about being together with her. I obviously can’t control what pops into my head, and I try to combat them, but sometimes I indulge them and let them go on for awhile. When this happens, I feel like I am coveting, which makes me feel guilty. But it is very difficult to just wipe thoughts out.
I have never acted on any of these thoughts, and I never would.
What I’d like to know, is this an outright mortal sin? Near occasion of sin? Or just something beyond my control? I have been to confession frequently about this, and I really do try to drive these thoughts away, especially right after confession. But I get lazy after awhile. It feels good fantasizing, but as I said I also feel very guilty.
The other question is, what strategies can I employ to lock these thoughts up, and be satisfied with my relationship with my wife, and my friendship with the other woman, who is very important in my entire family’s lives.
Thank you.
 
Try doing some activity to distract your mind. It could be sports, it could be reading a book, or it could be a mental puzzle. You should also pray that these thoughts go away and for your wife and your marriage.

Just a thought, it is often said that the “grass is greener on the other side”. You may think these sexual fantasies are entertaining or pleasurable. But in reality if you were actually in a relationship with the other woman, you’d likely find that the object of your sexual fantasies is another woman who is not your wife.
 
I’ll just add to that that the healthiest thing to do is focus on pleasing your wife and loving her. She is your wife and that’s the reality. There’s no point entertaining these thoughts as they will just bring you into a false reality that will never be and you risk being dissatisfied with your real life.
 
Is transparency important in this case,between husband and wife to help with accountability and moving on from these thoughts?Just wondering
 
It’s a matter of prudence I think. I really don’t think most wives want to know every time you might think something about an other woman. It’s not like every other member of the opposite sex magically becomes unattractive once you’re married. You have to work on a sort of single-mindedness that keeps you focused on your marriage. I don’t think in this situation the OP should go and tell his wife. It’s up to him to work on this.
 
Men and women sound quite different if you put it that way.I would take it seriously if I had a fixation on a particular man and would be prompt to seek help and be transparent if possible.I can honestly say I have only eyes and thoughts for my husband
and that comes with love and self discipline .I wish I could word this more gently ,but it alarms me that there is room for attraction and fantasising.That is already adultery as he posted it is extended and feels good etc.
 
I’m not saying he should not ever say anything to his wife if it begins to affect their relationship. I’m certainly not saying that all men can’t help but fantasise about other women. My point is that women don’t stop being attractive to a guy because he’s married. As men we just have to discipline ourselves and practice “custody of the eyes” (and of the mind).

Personally I just find the idea of sex with anyone but my wife a bit disgusting. But when I was a good bit younger I probably wouldn’t have thought this way. There is a certain amount of self conditioning that has to happen. And I view sex as an intimate conversation exclusive to my wife and I. The sex should be a reflection of how our relationship is in general. It’s up to us to make both the relationship and the sex as good as possible.

I think in this situation there’s no need to tell his wife. I think he should find a good spiritual director and seek help in that manner.

OP should work on changing your perception of the woman from an object of temptation. Try to think of her as a daughter of God and realise that you have no right to think about her in a sexual manner. It may not be known to her…but you disrespect her. It may seem that you have no control over these thoughts but you do have the ability to reject them and alter the way you think of this person.
 
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