Dilemma with cremated remains

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camkutz

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Hello everyone, in September my Nan (non-Catholic) passed away, she received a Catholic funeral, because I’m Catholic, my priest knows me well and we couldn’t afford to pay for an Anglican priest (my Nan’s denomination) I was greatly comforted she had a Catholic priest. But because my family was so short of money we’re still paying the costs for the funeral, and almost a year on her ashes still haven’t been returned… I’m finding this difficult, because I have not place to visit, light candles, no place to go and pray with her earthly remains present.
And my father said after we eventually (don’t know when) get the ashes back, he said she wanted to (not quite sure she did) have her ashes spread and he asked me to do this, I in my conscience can’t do this, because the Church doesn’t allow it but I’m really concerned she will get spread, because we can’t afford to bury the ashes (UK) and it’s just draining me because at the moment I can guarantee that she is sat on a shelf in a funeral directors waiting to be picked up…
Please pray for me and the soul of my Nan, Heather as this is very difficult for me and if anybody could offer some advice?:confused:
 
The funeral director still hasn’t returned the ashes? They hold them as security for payment? That’s unconscionable!

A niche in a columbarium (a resting place for urns) is not expensive - neither is a very small plot in a cemetery for burial or ashes.
 
I recently purchased a double niche in a columbarium at our local Catholic cemetery for my wife and I. The cost was just over $1000 USD. Very affordable. For us anyway. Some of these places also offer payment plans.
Ski
 
Boy_Wonder said:
The funeral director still hasn’t returned the ashes? They hold them as security for payment? That’s unconscionable!
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They should donate their services? Many times the only way to guarantee payment is to hold what the person wants. Think about it, it has been almost a year since they provided services to the OP, and they are still waiting on payment.
A niche in a columbarium (a resting place for urns) is not expensive - neither is a very small plot in a cemetery for burial or ashes.
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For the OP, simply go the the church and light a candle, pray and visit. I only visit my own parent’s grave a few times a year.

When I pray for them, I do it where ever I am. Conversations with them happen in my home, my car and at church. You don’t have to be at their grave to visit.

And you are right, you should not be part of scattering the remains. You might want to mention it to your priest, so he can discuss it with other family members.
 
camkutz said:
Hello everyone, in September my Nan (non-Catholic) passed away, she received a Catholic funeral, because I’m Catholic, my priest knows me well and we couldn’t afford to pay for an Anglican priest (my Nan’s denomination) I was greatly comforted she had a Catholic priest. But because my family was so short of money we’re still paying the costs for the funeral, and almost a year on her ashes still haven’t been returned… I’m finding this difficult, because I have not place to visit, light candles, no place to go and pray with her earthly remains present.
And my father said after we eventually (don’t know when) get the ashes back, he said she wanted to (not quite sure she did) have her ashes spread and he asked me to do this, I in my conscience can’t do this, because the Church doesn’t allow it but I’m really concerned she will get spread, because we can’t afford to bury the ashes (UK) and it’s just draining me because at the moment I can guarantee that she is sat on a shelf in a funeral directors waiting to be picked up…
Please pray for me and the soul of my Nan, Heather as this is very difficult for me and if anybody could offer some advice?:confused:
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I too think it unconscionable that a funeral home would withhold remains. You might want to complain to the oversight authority about that.
Check at your local cemetaries. Many of them have special rose gardens where they will inter ashes for a very nominal fee.
 
I don’t have any advice about what to do regarding retrieving your grandma’s remains, but I can imagine your frustration. I don’t think you should have any part in scattering the ashes at all.
 
Boy_Wonder said:
The funeral director still hasn’t returned the ashes? They hold them as security for payment? That’s unconscionable!

A niche in a columbarium (a resting place for urns) is not expensive - neither is a very small plot in a cemetery for burial or ashes.
Click to expand...
At the cemetary where my grandparents are buried, you can’t place a headstone or marker on the grave unless you’ve paid your fees for the upkeep of the grounds. My grandparents don’t have a marker to this day because by the time my mother and her siblings found out about this rule, (when it came time to bury my grandmother) There were already four decades of bills from when they buried my grandfather. It came to thousands of dollars. It’s rediculous! How is a dead person supposed to pay for ground maintainance?
 
Praying for the repose of your grandmother’s soul. Try to look into a niche in a Columbarium, they are relatively inexpensive.
 
tawny said:
Praying for the repose of your grandmother’s soul. Try to look into a niche in a Columbarium, they are relatively inexpensive.
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We don’t really have Columbarium’s in the UK, and the ones I have seen cost a lot to ‘rent’ for a certain amount of years. Thank you all for your prayers.
Getting her ashes back is the first step, I feel like she isn’t at rest and is a prisoner:(
 
camkutz said:
Hello everyone, in September my Nan (non-Catholic) passed away, she received a Catholic funeral, because I’m Catholic, my priest knows me well and we couldn’t afford to pay for an Anglican priest (my Nan’s denomination) I was greatly comforted she had a Catholic priest. But because my family was so short of money we’re still paying the costs for the funeral, and almost a year on her ashes still haven’t been returned… I’m finding this difficult, because I have not place to visit, light candles, no place to go and pray with her earthly remains present.
And my father said after we eventually (don’t know when) get the ashes back, he said she wanted to (not quite sure she did) have her ashes spread and he asked me to do this, I in my conscience can’t do this, because the Church doesn’t allow it but I’m really concerned she will get spread, because we can’t afford to bury the ashes (UK) and it’s just draining me because at the moment I can guarantee that she is sat on a shelf in a funeral directors waiting to be picked up…
Please pray for me and the soul of my Nan, Heather as this is very difficult for me and if anybody could offer some advice?:confused:
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Isn’t it your Dad’s problem?

Linus2nd
 
camkutz said:
We don’t really have Columbarium’s in the UK, and the ones I have seen cost a lot to ‘rent’ for a certain amount of years. Thank you all for your prayers.
Getting her ashes back is the first step, I feel like she isn’t at rest and is a prisoner:(
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You may feel that way, but it isn’t true. Your grandma has gone on to her eternal reward. There’s no reason to be disrespectful to her earthly body, but I assure you that she is not suffering from it.
 
Allegra said:
At the cemetary where my grandparents are buried, you can’t place a headstone or marker on the grave unless you’ve paid your fees for the upkeep of the grounds. My grandparents don’t have a marker to this day because by the time my mother and her siblings found out about this rule, (when it came time to bury my grandmother) There were already four decades of bills from when they buried my grandfather. It came to thousands of dollars. It’s rediculous! How is a dead person supposed to pay for ground maintainance?
Click to expand...
I am willing to bet that they made it clear to your grandmother about the fee.

Normally the fee is a one time fee and pays for the care “in perpetuity.” Of course if the bill isn’t paid, they could tack on late fees, until it is paid.
 
maryjk said:
I am willing to bet that they made it clear to your grandmother about the fee.

Normally the fee is a one time fee and pays for the care “in perpetuity.” Of course if the bill isn’t paid, they could tack on late fees, until it is paid.
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if you’re speaking in regards to my grandmother, she was in a nursing home and made no plans about her funeral or anything
 
maryjk said:
I am willing to bet that they made it clear to your grandmother about the fee.

Normally the fee is a one time fee and pays for the care “in perpetuity.” Of course if the bill isn’t paid, they could tack on late fees, until it is paid.
Click to expand...
At the time the plot was purchased, it was for my grandmother’s first born son, who died at the age of four. They were able to get a head stone for him, but when she went to bury my grandfather, who died eight years later, they would not let her place a head stone until she paid more fees. She was then a single mother with three children and an 8th grade education. She elected to forgo the headstone and feeding her children instead. By the time she passed, they had added thousands of dollars in fees. My uncle is currently in litigation, trying to get the matter resolved.
 
Camkutz, I am sorry for your loss and will offer prayers for your grandmother.

You should explain to your dad that as a Catholic, you do not believe in spreading the ashes, and that you cannot be a part of that. As far as the funeral director withholding the cremains, you could look at this as giving you some time to work out the details. Perhaps you could talk to your parish priest and he could help you with a way to explain it to your father.
 
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