Dilemma with my Father

[pwlj_christ87]

hey guys i am recently having a dilemma with my father yesterday,

basically he has been an alcoholic for my whole life something that ive had to endure whihc caused me alot of hurt, he is catholic of course but did not attend church nor ever take communion etc. basically he has let me down alot in my life , i have forgiven him fully and know that its simply the alcohol that causes him to be such a person, causes him isolation, depression etc.

Since my converstion bac to the faith, i have been praying for him alot, that he becomes sober but more importantly that he finds god. You can contrast the parallels between myself and my mother and him whereby we on sunday evenings go to mass and he goes on trips and comes home drunk. I know he is catholic, hwoever he has never taken the eucharist or maybe only once in my lifetime, and does not go to confession, he has told me he doenst think he is good enough for the eucharist. So i want to encourage him to take it, to confess, to basically live within the church to the full abilities, furthermore im worried he committing some sort of greater sin by denying gods mercifullness.

Well my prayers had been answered and I hope still remain, well know that god is good. About 2 weeks ago he had stopped drinking, a complete change from the drunkard, we actually spoke, i felt that loving father son relationship i havent had for many many years. I became more patient with him, just my family life beecame so much better.

So yesterday, I had gone to mass with my mom in the evening, and di not expect my father to come. He showed up, about 10 minutes later and I was innitially glad to see him, i thought wow he is coming back. but When I looked at him I noticed he had drank something. He did his usual " im going out" at 3pm, which usulaly meant he would go drink, this time I felt he did that, but came to church. So I became dissappointed and a little concerned during the mass, because i felt mass is a sacred thing, and that it was wrong to drink and go to mass. Maybe its because it “loossend” him up to the environment? i dont know, but I dont want him to treat mass as if its a theatre.

i still shook his hand during the mass, but emotionally and in my gestures i was dissappoitned, as I always am when I see he is drunk. I thought to myself after mass, since i was in suhc a state of peace with the lord, that i would not get angry, i would not judge nor condemn, I would simply walk with the lord to my mom’s car, show compassion but at the same time remain strong and prudent. And so I did, without speaking to him. While in the car I had told my mom that we need to get him to go to confession and take the eucharist becuase his time is running up on earth and that I dont htink its right for him to drink.

When I got home, he confronted me right away out of no whre “for having a bad attitude”, the dr. jekyhl attitude that comes out when he has drank, and being in a state of peace I did not quarrel back, I actedin a good way said I was fine. I went to my room, and moments later he started yelling “I am not drunk” to me. Again, i dont think he would act this way at all if he hadn’t drank. I felt that I needed to speak to him what was on my mind, mainly in order to show him I care and what lay on my mind which is christs…

I told him that I applaud him for being sober for a very long time, but at the same time I told him that I know when he has drank and when he has not. I told him that even though he was not drunk, i could tell he had drank, but stressed that he needs to go to confession and the eucharist. I just want to save him is all. He told me I was dead wrong about him drinking, but i think he was only justifying it by saying he was “not drunk”, not htat he “hadnt drank”. As his son I can tell when he drinks, its very obvious in his eyes, his movements, and just the general vibe i guess you can say.

anyways, he did not say anything back after and left the house, I hope i did not cause him to go drink more. i hope i did not wrong him here, but i felt like i needed to take a stand because I know drunkards wont inhereit the kingdom, and I simply am worried first and foremost that he isnt living up to the standards that god wants him to and that he needs reconciliation and eucharist.

any thoughts?

 

[lucymeadhbh]

You are a very good son and person, don’t think otherwise! It is very difficult to deal with aging parents and grandparents, I think we all tend to humour them out of love instead of realising they still need to grow spiritually. You’re father’s defensiveness when questioned does suggest that he was guilty of something, but can I ask, why did you decide to question him? I wouldn’t suggest turning a blind eye, but let your father take baby steps towards sobriety and wellness. Does he have any social outlet in the area besides the pub? If so, facilitate him as regards transport, enthusiasm etc. If there is no other social outlet for him, why don’t you and your mother accompany him to the pub, not to keep an eye on him per se, but to encourage him to be open about his drinking habits.
One thing I would urge you to do however is get him to receive the sacrament of reconciliation. I had been struggling with something for some time and when I finally plucked up the courage to go to confession, it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
Trust me, there is no better form of therapy, and I’m training to be a psychologist!!!
Finally kid God bless and keep you, and make sure you stay well in yourself. Very often a massive problem with an alcoholic as that they are oblivious to the misery and suffering they’re causing their family. When they do sober up the overwhelming shame that they feel is enough to push them back into the abyss.
God bless,
Meadhbh

 

[Fan_of_Francis]

You and your family are in my prayers.
Your father, under the influence struggles on the inside. He made it to Church, by the grace of God your father walked through the doors. Please be patient with him and pray as now he not only has his own demons, he will be influenced by evil as he is coming back to the faith. For a better understanding of this see:

WOMEN OF GRACE
THE ENEMY’S TATICS (PT. 1)
Guest John LeBrioloa joins Johnette Benkovic and Fr. Sylvia, talking about spiritual warfare.

 

[Chantal25]

You are dealing with addiction and not your father. Clearly your father loves you but remember that unless you continue to pray for him, he won’t be out of the wood.

Do you do the rosary, if not start. I would consider to do a novena also.

Don’t give up hope!

I pray for you and your family!

p.s. Focus on his accomplishment and not his flaws. This is huge what he did. Saint Monica never cease to pray for her family.

 

[St_Francis]

It is wonderful that you are concerned about your father, but… you are still his son, not his father! CS Lewis says two things which you may want to watch out for: 1. those who torment us for own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

He also wrote about the different perceptions people can have about the same event… where some things are discounted, for example, the son who asks What are we having for dinner in a certain tone of voice like he just smelled something really awful, the mother replies angrily (possibly because she just burned something) and the son says, I just asked what was for dinner and she got all mad at me!!

So, from these two ideas a son or daughter can learn about honoring one’s parents. Being correct does not justify every action, and sometimes we may minimize certain aspects of our actions, like our tone of voice or physical demeanour. Sometimes we can decide not to comment on something but our actions radiate disapproval to the point our statement is made anyway.

Dealing with someone who has had too much to drink is difficult under the best of circumstances, and your circumstances are more difficult because he is your father.

I would suggest that you talk with your mother about your attending a group called Al-Anon. They often have meetings for teens as well as for people in general. This is a group formed by people who were close to alcoholics (wives, parents, etc). Whether or not your father falls into that category is something I cannot say, but your reaction to his drinking can be helped, channeled into more apprpriate and less angry routes. It will help you to keep this problem from hurting you as you grow into adulthood, because this can cause difficulties in dealing with people.

It is great that you did your best to refrain from expressing your anger and disappointment, but not so good that you talked to your mother about getting him to Confession. Also, sometimes when someone is angry and visibly trying to control himself, it is best to let him be–iow, when I do what your father did, my son (righfully) gets upset with me. It’s hard to learn to control oneself when other poke you while you’re doing it.

 

[pwlj_christ87]

You are a very good son and person, don’t think otherwise! It is very difficult to deal with aging parents and grandparents, I think we all tend to humour them out of love instead of realising they still need to grow spiritually. You’re father’s defensiveness when questioned does suggest that he was guilty of something, but can I ask, why did you decide to question him? I wouldn’t suggest turning a blind eye, but let your father take baby steps towards sobriety and wellness. Does he have any social outlet in the area besides the pub? If so, facilitate him as regards transport, enthusiasm etc. If there is no other social outlet for him, why don’t you and your mother accompany him to the pub, not to keep an eye on him per se, but to encourage him to be open about his drinking habits.
One thing I would urge you to do however is get him to receive the sacrament of reconciliation. I had been struggling with something for some time and when I finally plucked up the courage to go to confession, it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
Trust me, there is no better form of therapy, and I’m training to be a psychologist!!!
Finally kid God bless and keep you, and make sure you stay well in yourself. Very often a massive problem with an alcoholic as that they are oblivious to the misery and suffering they’re causing their family. When they do sober up the overwhelming shame that they feel is enough to push them back into the abyss.
God bless,
Meadhbh

hello thanks for your response, ill answer your questions. I did not question him at all, i did not bring up to him whether or not he drank. I simply spoke to my mom in the car (wihout my dad that is), about getting him to confession, that he may be committing a serious sin of refusing the lords mercy. Hes only getting older and making steps in the right directions, and since i dont relaly talk to him much on the topic, or at least not yet, i want my mother to help him. Maybe this situation will lead me to be ablet o talk toh im about it… i was glad he came, but i did not like the fact he had drank, and you could see it in his eyes first of all, he seemed to attack me for no reason, just a nother reason to solidify the fact he did in fact drink, to be on the dfencsive attack so to speak, i told him right after in the garage that nothing was wrong and went to my room, and then he yelled i am not drunk etc.

i gave him a speech that came out my heart, basically saying that if he in deed di NOt drink, than i am sorry, but that i had signs that i could tell… about his drinking, he usually on sundays goes out to “do shopping” , and call his mother back in europe, but comes home very drunk off hard alcohol, and not only sundays before but almost everyday… he did good for the past 2 weeks, but i deep down strongly feel he took a few shots and then joined us in mass

 

[pwlj_christ87]

God bless you for trying to be a witness and for praying for your father, that is wonderful but a challenge, I will pray for you too.

Although it is good you stood strong for the faith, I disagree with your timing. I think it is always a bad idea to try and discuss important matters with someone who is intoxicated as it is useless. Better to have waited until the next morning when he was sober and called him on the phone. He still may have gotten angry or defensive but easier to reach people when they are not drunk.

Also, remember that none of us are living up to the standards that God wants us to! As far as drunkards inheriting the kingdom, well remember that is up to God. Jesus loves your father very much and knows he is a slave to alcohol. Please take whatever irritation you are feeling for your father and try and turn it into compassion instead, he is lost in sadness and confusion, God bless you and take care as best as you can.

hey thanks for yoru response, i agree the timing was bad, but my plan was not to discuss that he had drank at all with him yesterday. When we got home (me and my mother) for he was in a seperate car… he was waiting in the garage for me and asked me what was wrong with me? i was in a state of grace and peace with the lord and did not do anything wrong, simply said eveyrthing is fine… he then went on a mini rant against my mother, so i guess while i was in my own room… he foudn out from my mother what i said to her in the car, and started to say “i am not drunnk” , so i had to respond… i basically just gave a speech showing i cared is all… idont want him to stop coming to mass at all,

but i take the bible very strongly, and yesterday while in church my mind was telling me that his actions, or in actions, are simply wrong and can lead to something very bad. If the bible says, drunkards fornicators etc cannot inhereit the kindgo,m, then how am i to feel when for the past 6 months straight, and last 16 years of my life in general, has been drinking half a bottle of vodka a day?? i pray for him day in and day out, i cry in church sometimes and have to hide it because im worried for him, i was so excited to see my prayers answered, and know they will be answered, for him to be sober for even just 2 weeks… it felt like i was in heaven, coming to my heavenly home and seeing my family there “normal” for once, it was amazing.

so when he came to mass initially i was very happy but noticed through the way he walked, his eyes, and just a delay in his actions that he had drank. Whats worse is he had to lie that he didnt to me later on, i wanted to not say anything and show compassion, and continue to pray, and know that one step at a time things will get better, and thats what i plan to keep doing.

but for me to allow him todo this, and treat mass as if it is some sort of theatre, is unnacceptable to me. i dont think he is a bad person, i truly dont understand why he has never gotten the eucharist or went to confession. but in my mind something was telling me yesterday that jesus mights ay to him one day, you did not take heed. i love him and want to be with him forever

 

[pwlj_christ87]

It is wonderful that you are concerned about your father, but… you are still his son, not his father! CS Lewis says two things which you may want to watch out for: 1. those who torment us for own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

He also wrote about the different perceptions people can have about the same event… where some things are discounted, for example, the son who asks What are we having for dinner in a certain tone of voice like he just smelled something really awful, the mother replies angrily (possibly because she just burned something) and the son says, I just asked what was for dinner and she got all mad at me!!

So, from these two ideas a son or daughter can learn about honoring one’s parents. Being correct does not justify every action, and sometimes we may minimize certain aspects of our actions, like our tone of voice or physical demeanour. Sometimes we can decide not to comment on something but our actions radiate disapproval to the point our statement is made anyway.

Dealing with someone who has had too much to drink is difficult under the best of circumstances, and your circumstances are more difficult because he is your father.

I would suggest that you talk with your mother about your attending a group called Al-Anon. They often have meetings for teens as well as for people in general. This is a group formed by people who were close to alcoholics (wives, parents, etc). Whether or not your father falls into that category is something I cannot say, but your reaction to his drinking can be helped, channeled into more apprpriate and less angry routes. It will help you to keep this problem from hurting you as you grow into adulthood, because this can cause difficulties in dealing with people.

It is great that you did your best to refrain from expressing your anger and disappointment, but not so good that you talked to your mother about getting him to Confession. Also, sometimes when someone is angry and visibly trying to control himself, it is best to let him be–iow, when I do what your father did, my son (righfully) gets upset with me. It’s hard to learn to control oneself when other poke you while you’re doing it.

hey thanks for your response,
just leetingg you know i am 25 years old, i have read al ot about aa, and even attened. i am aware of detachign from him, and the like, and have used aa techniques which have helped. i admit, i do feel like i was being a father to him yeserday which is a complete reversal of roles, but my intention was not to bring anything up at all and let gods timing work. he sort of initiated the problem (due to the drink in my opinion), and i was only left with a little speech that i gave him regarding the subject. i spoke to my mother about the eucharist and confession because i feel he would listen to her more, and when i got home and was in my room he found out from her that i told her that… i dont want to force anything down his throat, but i have to defend myself dont ya think?

 

[pwlj_christ87]

It is wonderful that you are concerned about your father, but… you are still his son, not his father! CS Lewis says two things which you may want to watch out for: 1. those who torment us for own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

He also wrote about the different perceptions people can have about the same event… where some things are discounted, for example, the son who asks What are we having for dinner in a certain tone of voice like he just smelled something really awful, the mother replies angrily (possibly because she just burned something) and the son says, I just asked what was for dinner and she got all mad at me!!

So, from these two ideas a son or daughter can learn about honoring one’s parents. Being correct does not justify every action, and sometimes we may minimize certain aspects of our actions, like our tone of voice or physical demeanour. Sometimes we can decide not to comment on something but our actions radiate disapproval to the point our statement is made anyway.

Dealing with someone who has had too much to drink is difficult under the best of circumstances, and your circumstances are more difficult because he is your father.

I would suggest that you talk with your mother about your attending a group called Al-Anon. They often have meetings for teens as well as for people in general. This is a group formed by people who were close to alcoholics (wives, parents, etc). Whether or not your father falls into that category is something I cannot say, but your reaction to his drinking can be helped, channeled into more apprpriate and less angry routes. It will help you to keep this problem from hurting you as you grow into adulthood, because this can cause difficulties in dealing with people.

It is great that you did your best to refrain from expressing your anger and disappointment, but not so good that you talked to your mother about getting him to Confession. Also, sometimes when someone is angry and visibly trying to control himself, it is best to let him be–iow, when I do what your father did, my son (righfully) gets upset with me. It’s hard to learn to control oneself when other poke you while you’re doing it.

you are probably right i shouldnt have said anything in the car to my mother… that is a little bit of pride myself i think

 

[pwlj_christ87]

You are dealing with addiction and not your father. Clearly your father loves you but remember that unless you continue to pray for him, he won’t be out of the wood.

Do you do the rosary, if not start. I would consider to do a novena also.

Don’t give up hope!

I pray for you and your family!

p.s. Focus on his accomplishment and not his flaws. This is huge what he did. Saint Monica never cease to pray for her family.

ok i am sorry for not focusing on his accomplishment ,i will applaud him today

also i want to appologize for any form of pride i have in my posts or in myself