Dilemma

[persistent1]

Hello,
My wife of 17 years is divorcing me. I have a dilemma. I wish to impart to my children the idea of the sanctity of marriage and teach them by example as much as by word what marriage is. I have a six year old son and a 12 year old daughter with autism. Her cognitive level appears to be about that of a three year old, but due to her communication challenges, she may understand more than we are able to ascertain. Without going into detail here, I am fairly certain that there is enough evidence to determine that my wife and I do not have a sacramental marriage. My wife has been in an extramarital relationship for the better part of this year and has filed for divorce in the last week (not why I suspect the absense of sacrament/not confused on that point). The children will soon become aware of this relationship. She may “marry” the other man in the future. I have taught the children that marriage is a lifelong covenant relationship. This is very confusing to the children in that my wife’s decision and attitude implies that marriage is “undone” by divorce. I see that I have two choices I can make. I can continue to live as her devoted and faithful husband. This will most likely mean that I will live as a celibate man for the rest of my life. This will be a witness to my children that I believe will stand as truth in opposition to what they could learn about the nature of marriage by the way my wife presently chooses to live. My second option is to seek a decree of nullity. This would let me know in good conscience (provided this is granted) that I am free to marry and I would be able to live out my vocation as both a husband and father. Am I obligated to seek a decree of nullity, being reasonably certain that this is not a sacramental union, or am I obligated/advised to maintain as her husband in hope that she may one day be reconciled to me and the wholeness of our family can be restored?

 

[RoseMary131]

Make an appointment to speak with your priest who can guide you in this great distress.

May God give peace to your family.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…

Am I obligated to seek a decree of nullity, being reasonably certain that this is not a sacramental union, or am I obligated/advised to maintain as her husband in hope that she may one day be reconciled to me and the wholeness of our family can be restored?

I don’t think you’re obligated to do either. You have quite a bit of latitude and need to do what you will be able to live with, both in the immediate future and when you have to look at yourself in the mirror when you are 80. Your priest can certainly give you good advice in general about your situation.

You know your kids better than I do, and what will best teach them about the nature of marriage, completely your call.

However, having been in a similar situation, I chose to pursue the declaration of nullity for several reasons. One of which was to minimize the obstacles my legally ex-wife would have in reconciling with the church.

You do have the option of pursuing the declaration of nullity, and then continuing to live a celibate life-style and remain single until you’re kids are both adults.

Although you didn’t address how the custody situation will be in your case, here’s a tip. Ensure your home is a place where your children live with you vice visit you. Make sure they have their own permanent space in your home that you consider theirs, even when they are not with you.

ETA: I notice you’re new to the forums. There are many similar threads which would be good for you to read.

 

[Joe_5859]

I agree with RoseMary that talking to a priest would be a good place to go for advice.

From your brief summation of your situation, I cannot see how you would be “obligated” to pursue either course of action (or inaction). I wouldn’t assume, though, that not seeking an annulment is the only and/or best way to impart to your children the sanctity of marriage. You can and should do that regardless of which option you choose.

Just something to consider, but obtaining a decree of nullity would also mean your wife would be free to marry this “other guy” in the Church. Perhaps it would be a comfort to your children that their mother is not living in an irregular marriage situation.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

My sympathies to you and your family. There is no obligation of you to seek a decree of nullity. If you do, there is no obligation to tell your children about the process. What is important is that you remain in your children’s lives and that you keep them in the Church.

 

[persistent1]

Thank you all for the replies. I do intend to speak with my priest about my situation. I am embarrassed that I did not first consider that a decree of nullity would enable my wife to more easily reconcile with the church, should she eventually desire to do so, even if she does not reconcile with me. I am learning that I am not as selfless in my considerations as I can be. While I believe that I have the fortitude to remain celibate if I decide that it would be the stronger lesson for my children, I ask for prayers that I will be able to do so free from bitterness or anger. This will be a difficult cross to bear. My first impulse has been to resent that she has enjoyed emotional and physical intimacy with someone else for quite some time while I have been rejected in this respect.

 

[underacloud]

You do have the option of pursuing the declaration of nullity, and then continuing to live a celibate life-style and remain single until you’re kids are both adults.

This was my immediate reaction to reading the first post. It opens up all possibilities in this situation. You can then assess your choices over time, as the situation merits. When your children are older, you may decide that your influence on their core understanding of marriage has largely already finished and/or that they will be of an age to appropriately understand the annulment process anyway.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Thank you all for the replies. I do intend to speak with my priest about my situation. I am embarrassed that I did not first consider that a decree of nullity would enable my wife to more easily reconcile with the church, should she eventually desire to do so, even if she does not reconcile with me. I am learning that I am not as selfless in my considerations as I can be. While I believe that I have the fortitude to remain celibate if I decide that it would be the stronger lesson for my children, I ask for prayers that I will be able to do so free from bitterness or anger. This will be a difficult cross to bear. My first impulse has been to resent that she has enjoyed emotional and physical intimacy with someone else for quite some time while I have been rejected in this respect.

Persistent1, it is a very tough decision to make. I waited until a year after the divorce was final. It is very hard to go from loving a woman as your wife to just looking at her as another child of God, a sister in Christ. Then to consider that Christ wants each of us to be reconciled with Him, realize that we should desire that as well for His sake no matter our personal pain, sense of loss or injury.

Your feelings are quite sensible and understandable, you will work through them.