Director of Youth Ministry "secrecy?"

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If the YM is mandated to tell parents about self-harm or authorities about abuse, she was lying to the child when she said “What happens in the basement stays in the basement!”. :eek: I would keep my children away.

When I did youth work, I told the children that, while I would respect their privacy, if anything delicate came up that I may have to talk to their parents about it. I trusted them and they returned that trust.

The Church is founded on the Truth (Jn 14:6). The end can never justify the means, if dishonesty is involved.
 
chicago said:
Some people are just (perhaps overly) forward by nature and tend to do such things. I would wonder if, perhaps, this YM is a little inexperienced, also. But it sounds like s/he is just trying to show concern and interest in developing a relationship. It’s also possible that so many kids are concerned about confidentiality (I know I certainly was when a teen) that it is a kind of standard up front statement which is made to assure them that it’s safe to share.
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The Church in all aspects of YM must always keep in mind the requirements of protecting children (>18). Any pastor that would allow any YM to say “What happens in the basement stays in the basement!”, or even suggest anything like that is risking a great deal. We have in one parish Confessions being held in the gathering space and in another parish YM with these “secret” connotations is not right. For me saying something like that is akin to joking about a bomb at an airport check-point.
 
This is against my dicocesan policy. The only exception would be if the child is being abused a the parent…but then Mandatory reporting to the authorities is the law in my state.
 
Br.Rich_SFO said:
The Church in all aspects of YM must always keep in mind the requirements of protecting children (>18). Any pastor that would allow any YM to say “What happens in the basement stays in the basement!”, or even suggest anything like that is risking a great deal. We have in one parish Confessions being held in the gathering space and in another parish YM with these “secret” connotations is not right. For me saying something like that is akin to joking about a bomb at an airport check-point.
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How old are these “kids” that we’re talking about? Twelve? Well, then, there may be a reason for concern. Sixteen? They’re essentially adults, or at least mature enough to be dealing with things at a certain level of discretion and confidentiality. It seems to me that in any type of group which involved sharing, there is typically an understanding that it anything said remains “among friends”. I don’t see why the relationship between a young person who may need an outlet with an adult offering guidance should be any different.

I mean, really, what is the ultimate problem or concern here?

That the YM will hide abuse? In such a case (if it is parental abuse) then it is probably a good thing that the young person DOES have an adult who can be trusted in conversation. If the concern is that the YM would abuse, then the teens are still quite free to go tell whoever else they want what they want. (As obviously happenned here.) I don’t think that anyone is trying to use this in order to hide behind.

Is the concern that a young person might seek out advice from someone other than a parent who could offer recommendations which the parent would not? Well, then, this is legitimate. Yet nothing can stop your child from finding ANY friend or adult confidant who could provide the same, anyway. What is needed in this case is a simple strengthening of parental/child trust and respect such that this is not so serious a worry.
 
I’m not at all worried about my own daughter or my friend’s daughter. Our girls are very open and comfortable talking to us. It just seemed inappropriate in the context. I never said there was concern about any “abuse”. I’m sorry but the YM seemed to overstep her role. The teen almost felt as if the YM hoped there was a problem? That is just how she felt…plain and simple.
 
In addition, the purpose of my post was to actually ask if this is normal YM behavior. I now see it is not that simple. I am noticing many different opinions. Thanks to everyone who answered. I will pray about how best to guide my own daughter.

“Right is right even when no one is right, and wrong is wrong even when everyone is wrong.” Bishop Fulton Sheen
 
There is a chance that the teen had one perception and the YM a different one.
 
Michaela said:
I’m not at all worried about my own daughter or my friend’s daughter. Our girls are very open and comfortable talking to us. It just seemed inappropriate in the context. I never said there was concern about any “abuse”. I’m sorry but the YM seemed to overstep her role. The teen almost felt as if the YM hoped there was a problem? That is just how she felt…plain and simple.
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Just a thought: You were told this third-hand, yes? It’s very easy to make conclusions and judgments – and they may be wrong. The teen may not have accurately portrayed the incident. It’s best to give the benefit of the doubt to the YM instead of automatically casting her in a dark light. It’s also okay to talk with her if you have concerns about her role, as well as her orthodoxy to the faith.

Remember how difficulty is is for parishes to find volunteers – thank God for them, and ask for His Spirit’s guidance for them.
 
I’m actually sponsoring this teen girl in confirmation and heard it straight from her. The YM is a paid staff person. Hopefully everything will be fine. As I have said before, I have had other concerns about wishing there was a more pro-life involvement, etc. However, things are not always what we wish. Sometimes we just have to go out of our way to involve our kids in what we feel is important. For instance, my own daughter has prayed the rosary with me in front of an abortion clinic. I am also involved in the Gabriel Project, as is my daughter, and as will be the young girl I am sponsoring in confirmation. We as parents are the first educators of our children. I do not take that lightly. Anything this YM will offer will be supplementary to what we teach at home and at Catholic H.S. I will see how it goes. Thanks!
 
Michaela said:
I’m actually sponsoring this teen girl in confirmation and heard it straight from her. The YM is a paid staff person. Hopefully everything will be fine. As I have said before, I have had other concerns about wishing there was a more pro-life involvement, etc. However, things are not always what we wish. Sometimes we just have to go out of our way to involve our kids in what we feel is important. For instance, my own daughter has prayed the rosary with me in front of an abortion clinic. I am also involved in the Gabriel Project, as is my daughter, and as will be the young girl I am sponsoring in confirmation. We as parents are the first educators of our children. I do not take that lightly. Anything this YM will offer will be supplementary to what we teach at home and at Catholic H.S. I will see how it goes. Thanks!
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I hear you. I often attend all 3 masses at my parish and notice the absense of our Youth Minister. On a Marian feast several of us parants wanted to have a Marian celebration with Mass preceded by the Rosary. She had no idea it was a Marian Feastday let alone mentioned the oddity of the word “feast”. She said she would find one of the old Ladies who knew the Rosary to lead before Mass…she got some strange looks from Mothers (many who are quite young) in our Rosary group. On another note she scoffed at the idea of praying in front of Planned parenthood and suggested we painted some houses instead…the kids have done that for years now.
 
Br.Rich_SFO said:
Go to the pastor and if necessary the Bishop with this, now, don’t wait!. Or stay as far away from that youth ministry as possible would be my suggestion.
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On what grounds?

That a youth minister said that the teens could share feelings with her without her running to the parents and repeating it all verbatim?

The bishop should be concerned about this?

That the parents aren’t being informed of every conversation is grounds to keep their kids away?
 
PaixGioiaAmor said:
On what grounds?

That a youth minister said that the teens could share feelings with her without her running to the parents and repeating it all verbatim?

The bishop should be concerned about this?

That the parents aren’t being informed of every conversation is grounds to keep their kids away?
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The OP said that this didn’t sit right with the minor.
 
Sir_Knight said:
Yes. A Bishop should be concerned about things which affect his flock. If there is no problem, then the bishop should be able to clarify that.
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Um, do you think that with hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Catholics in a diocese, its bishop’s secretary will even let you talk with the bishop? or that the bishop would be able to address such issues as these, which his pastors should be addressing?

Please have some mercy on our shepherds by discerning whether your expectations for them are reasonable.
 
Wasn’t it a member of the clergy that made this recommendation? Are they not better trained than you or I as to what should be brought to a bishop’s attention?
 
Sir_Knight said:
Wasn’t it a member of the clergy that made this recommendation?
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I believe that the person who made the recommendation is a lay member of a third (secluar) order Franciscan community.
Are they not better trained than you or I as to what should be brought to a bishop’s attention?
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Not necessarily. Sometimes they try to hide things from the bishop, even.
 
Hi,

Are there any other adult volunteers? If there are no other adults at these meetings, I would be concerned, and want to know what this minister is telling the kids.

I agree that the teen’s uneasiness is a concern.

Lux
 
As far as I have seen, it is only the YM. My concern came out of the teen girl’s uneasiness as she described what “felt” like probing questions about her personal life, then the assurance that the teen’s mom wouldn’t have to know what they talked about. She told me she felt “weird” about it…she has nothing to hide and wanted to tell her mom and me about it. It just bothered me that the YM “seemed” to overstep where she had not been asked to. That is my parental opinion and that of my friend.
 
Maybe you and your friend could meet with the YM?

It would be best to clear this up for 2 reasons, not the least of which being the confidentiality issue for the kids. I find this the saddest part of group confidences–the confidentiality is often broken, and it is unrealistic to expect kids not to discuss things. She would do better to stress the ills of gossip.

I would also want to know what she is telling these kids (does she want this kept quiet, and if so, why?), and why she was so forward in her questions. It may be she needs to rethink her initial interview, and lighten it up a bit. If she makes the kids uncomfortable, her role is weakened, and you will be doing her a favor by telling her.

Lux
 
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