Disagree on when to have children?

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Hi All.

You gave great advice when I came here last time, so I thought I’d try again with a different issue. My husband and I have been practicing NFP since we got married. I would like to go ahead and have children. He would like to wait. Every time I try to talk about it, he insists we need to wait until we “have more money” (we worked out the financial difficulties with his brother’s business, and now have significant savings again thanks to my back pay coming in).

I wouldn’t mind waiting to have children if it was until we had a reachable, clear goal. But then he says “I don’t want to have kids while we live in this apartment”. So I start looking for a new apartment but then he doesn’t want to move. Then he says “When we have 6 months worth of savings.” (We have 3) Then he starts buying expensive items all the time. When I confronted him about it, he just didn’t want kids yet.

He also leaves all the impetus for charting on me. I charted before our wedding, to learn how to do it, but I’m still getting my bearings. Every time he wants to be intimate, he’ll start attempting to arouse me, THEN once I’m worked up, he’ll ask me if it’s a “safe day”. When I try to stop him because it’s NOT a safe day, he pouts about me rejecting his advances, and how he “just wants to be close”. It upsets me a lot because I admit it feels unfair, that I’m the one who has to do all the charting, and be the final arbiter of whether or not we have sex, but HE’s the one with objections to kids. When I bring this concern to him, he just shrugs and says “that sucks.”

Worse, he often tells me that if I “make a mistake” he “wont be mad”. And I’m beginning to wonder if he wants me to mess up charting so we can have a child, but then “blame” me for having a child if things go wrong.

Grr.

Are any of you experienced with this kind of behavior? What should I do?
 
Passive resistance.

There are also Catholic Counselors at Catholic Social Services, but both would need to be willing to work the issues out.
 
People who are a bit older will tell you the truth of the matter is, you will never have enough money, be stable enough in your job, have a big enough home or whatever the excuse of the day is. Trust God. Say yes to life.
 
Sounds like you’re both misusing NFP, e.g. contracepting for illicit reasons. You may want to re-read the church’s teaching on it. If you’re not ready for children, you should have waited with marriage until you are.
 
Sign up for a personal finance course and go together (for instance Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University). Do a monthly budget and plan your spending and your saving before it happens. You can set up “fun money” as part of your budget, but it should be in your budget.
 
You should forget about all the charting stuff lol and say: oops!!
 
If you two haven’t been married that long (it sounds like it, since you mentioned you’re still getting the hang of charting), it’s understandable that he might be a little scared of the whole thing. I read in your other thread that you were working for his brother, but aren’t employed any longer? Perhaps if your financial situation is that unstable, he is worried. Did you discuss all of this before you got married?

It’s concerning, however, that he talks about the issue by saying “if you make a mistake”. What does that even mean? And why is it entirely your responsibility?

He can’t have it all. If he doesn’t want a baby, he doesn’t get to pout when you stop him. I would simply post my chart on the wall, teach him how to read it, and allow him to decide whether he wants to take a chance or not.

I think it might be a good idea to discuss this with a priest, if you two are having trouble discerning this together.

Additionally, I like the idea of taking a personal finance course together. It sounds like you have different ideas about what stability is. In your other thread you mentioned you’d had to spend all your savings, and only built three months back up due to back pay. Your husband might see this as a more concerning situation than you do, and he may have a point. If you can come to a better agreement about your financial situation, then maybe you’ll be better able to agree on whether the situation is serious enough to postpone kids or not.
 
Lorelei12 said:
If you two haven’t been married that long (it sounds like it, since you mentioned you’re still getting the hang of charting),** it’s understandable that he might be a little scared of the whole thing.** I read in your other thread that you were working for his brother, but aren’t employed any longer? Perhaps if your financial situation is that unstable, he is worried. Did you discuss all of this before you got married?

It’s concerning, however, that he talks about the issue by saying “if you make a mistake”. What does that even mean? And why is it entirely your responsibility?

He can’t have it all. If he doesn’t want a baby, he doesn’t get to pout when you stop him.** I would simply post my chart on the wall, teach him how to read it, and allow him to decide whether he wants to take a chance or not. **
I think it might be a good idea to discuss this with a priest, if you two are having trouble discerning this together.

Additionally, I like the idea of taking a personal finance course together. It sounds like you have different ideas about what stability is. In your other thread you mentioned you’d had to spend all your savings, and only built three months back up due to back pay. Your husband might see this as a more concerning situation than you do, and he may have a point. If you can come to a better agreement about your financial situation, then maybe you’ll be better able to agree on whether the situation is serious enough to postpone kids or not.
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yes, as a father of three I was scared prior to my wife’s pregnancy for each of our three children. I was sincerely scared I couldn’t be the father I wanted to be. I scared of my ability to provide and I was always of the conclusion that I would be better prepared in a few months.

Posting of the chart is a great idea. His desire for intimacy with you will overcome his fear and I suspect that once he gets over his initial shock of impending father hood he will grow with excitement as we all do. just my two cents.
 
You don’t have to be the guard keeper to prevent pregnancy, especially if you want to have a baby.One approach is simple to inform your husband when you are likely fertile and leave the decision up to him as to what to do (or not do) about it. What he decides may or may not result in pregnancy.
 
KC89 said:
…
Worse, he often tells me that if I “make a mistake” he “wont be mad”. And I’m beginning to wonder if he wants me to mess up charting so we can have a child, but then “blame” me for having a child if things go wrong.

Grr.

Are any of you experienced with this kind of behavior? What should I do?
Click to expand...
Perhaps he’s not so against a child at the moment, but can’t bring himself to be directly responsible for the decision to have a child?

I suggest you figure out when in time the 6-month savings target will be reached, based on a budget, and take the decision now to cease charting (or ignore the chart…) at that time.

BTW, how long have you been married?
 
KC89 said:
Hi All.

You gave great advice when I came here last time, so I thought I’d try again with a different issue. My husband and I have been practicing NFP since we got married. I would like to go ahead and have children. He would like to wait. Every time I try to talk about it, he insists we need to wait until we “have more money” (we worked out the financial difficulties with his brother’s business, and now have significant savings again thanks to my back pay coming in).

I wouldn’t mind waiting to have children if it was until we had a reachable, clear goal. But then he says “I don’t want to have kids while we live in this apartment”. So I start looking for a new apartment but then he doesn’t want to move. Then he says “When we have 6 months worth of savings.” (We have 3) Then he starts buying expensive items all the time. When I confronted him about it, he just didn’t want kids yet.

He also leaves all the impetus for charting on me. I charted before our wedding, to learn how to do it, but I’m still getting my bearings. Every time he wants to be intimate, he’ll start attempting to arouse me, THEN once I’m worked up, he’ll ask me if it’s a “safe day”. When I try to stop him because it’s NOT a safe day, he pouts about me rejecting his advances, and how he “just wants to be close”. It upsets me a lot because I admit it feels unfair, that I’m the one who has to do all the charting, and be the final arbiter of whether or not we have sex, but HE’s the one with objections to kids. When I bring this concern to him, he just shrugs and says “that sucks.”

Worse, he often tells me that if I “make a mistake” he “wont be mad”. And I’m beginning to wonder if he wants me to mess up charting so we can have a child, but then “blame” me for having a child if things go wrong.

Grr.

Are any of you experienced with this kind of behavior? What should I do?
Click to expand...
He’s just making excuses. If you’re going to wait until you have enough money, you’ll never have kids. Eventually both of you will bite the bullet and just do it, if you really want kids. Counseling might not be a bad choice.
 
Sounds like he may not really want to have a child and just doesn’t want to say so. So he is, instead, making up excuses such as not having enough money, living in a small apartment, etc.

I second the suggestion of putting your chart on the wall and letting him tell you when he wants to have relations (his decision will already be based on whether it’s a day to conceive or not). Initiating relations and then pouting when it’s a fertile day is really childish, especially when you would like nothing more to have sex on a fertile day and have a baby, and he’s the one who doesn’t want a baby, hence resulting in having to abstain.
 
LilyRose_8891 said:
Sounds like he may not really want to have a child and just doesn’t want to say so. So he is, instead, making up excuses such as not having enough money, living in a small apartment, etc.

I second the suggestion of putting your chart on the wall and letting him tell you when he wants to have relations (his decision will already be based on whether it’s a day to conceive or not). Initiating relations and then pouting when it’s a fertile day is really childish, especially when you would like nothing more to have sex on a fertile day and have a baby, and he’s the one who doesn’t want a baby, hence resulting in having to abstain.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Yes, post the chart and let him decide!

You can even remind him as his affections build and say “It’s not a safe time right now, but I’m happy to risk it if you are”.

As others have addressed, fear is likely holding him back. I have four children and was fearful of each pregnancy, until the fourth actually, by which time I’d learned to trust God and had good reason to know He wouldn’t let me down. Most people aren’t “ready” to have kids, we learn it all along the way and make the financial/housing adjustments needed.
 
Be not afraid.

People think they crossed the finish line and do not have to move to the next level at the marriage ceramony. What we have really done is made a commitment to hold each other’s hand while we move to the next level. As we advance to the next level we at hoping to get our spouce to heaven.

Children are the next level. Nothing can prepare you for children. Each child is unique. All couples can do is their best to make the nest and live. Give thanks more than complain, and take a leap of faith.

He is your spouce and you get the privilege of making him comfortable taking that leap of faith. Often, when we raise the bar for each other we find treasures unknown.
 
I see several points here. The biggest one, though, is that he’s placing all responsibility for charting on you and then complaining about it. Not reasonable. Sit down and talk with him about this, and explain that it’s the kind of thing you need to do together because it’s not healthy for you to have to be the “gatekeeper,” so to speak. Before we even got married, my then-fiancé and I agreed that if we ever had a reason to avoid, he’d be just as involved in charting as I would be for that exact reason. The way you’re doing it now builds resentment for both parties.

At a bare minimum, if I were you I would tell him before anything gets started when you begin your fertile period. Ie, don’t wait until things get heated. Post your chart on the wall, as someone suggested, and then tell him once you see signs that you’re beginning the fertile period. For example, when you first get up in the morning and check your CM (if you’re using CM as one of the signs) and see that it’s starting to go fertile, mention it casually as you walk out of the bathroom: “Just so you know, it looks like I’ve started Phase II, and that’ll probably last for about X days.” This way a) he can’t claim he “didn’t know” before things started to get heated, and b) it gives him concrete information.

Secondly, the next time he makes a comment about how he wouldn’t mind if you messed up, you might suggest that you simply don’t try per se, but don’t avoid, and see what happens. Obviously, the chances are quite good that you’ll get pregnant, but it does reduce some of the stress about getting pregnant for some couples to just have sex when they feel like it rather than charting and so on. I’m not knocking NFP; I use charting, I love charting, and even when we don’t have a reason to avoid but aren’t explicitly trying I’ll probably chart because I like having that information. Some couples, though, find that stressful, so I’m just throwing that out there.
 
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