Disagreement between husband and mother

[momof8]

No, not really. As you see above, I had more to say on the topic. With all respect, I see both you and sotolov as being cooperators and supporters of verbal abuse. With only the best of intentions, I am sure! But while good intentions are something, its the truth that sets you free and I am stating the truth, even though you may not like it.

You have both become insensitive and tolerant and cooperative with something that is wrong. I can only hope your husbands are simply engaging in a little bad behavior - which you should be putting a firm stop to - and not all out given themselves into this sin.

Sometimes love has to be strong.

_

Actually, I think we all say thoughtless things sometimes, but that does not make us verbal abusers. It makes us thoughtless people. And like the OP’s mother, when someone does it to us, we sometimes let it get under our skin. This is the type of thing that confession is so good for, where I can confess to “stewing” about something and pray for the grace to just let it go.

Funny thing is - I MUCH MORE OFTEN confess allowing someone else’s unkindness to get under my skin than I confess to hurting someone else’s feelings. Must be because I’m such a sweet person, right? Nope. It’s because when I say a thoughtless thing to someone, why it doesnt’ hurt a bit! In fact, I never think about it again! We are all so much like that (except for the truly sweet among us!) - the mil is hurt by the statement and doesn’t let it go, the husband doesn’t want his mistake pointed out, doesn’t want to feel put down by his mil - we are all so quick to focus on how someone else has hurt or offended us.

Given that - sotoluv, the best way to be in the middle is to be praying for both of them and trying not to let their emotional upset, upset you. I would not have asked my husband to apologize, because you already did apologize. His calling her up would just put the focus back on something she needs to let go of. Other than praying about it, I would leave it at that.

 

[mariam1976]

Actually, I think we all say thoughtless things sometimes, but that does not make us verbal abusers. It makes us thoughtless people. And like the OP’s mother, when someone does it to us, we sometimes let it get under our skin. This is the type of thing that confession is so good for, where I can confess to “stewing” about something and pray for the grace to just let it go.

Funny thing is - I MUCH MORE OFTEN confess allowing someone else’s unkindness to get under my skin than I confess to hurting someone else’s feelings. Must be because I’m such a sweet person, right? Nope. It’s because when I say a thoughtless thing to someone, why it doesnt’ hurt a bit! In fact, I never think about it again! We are all so much like that (except for the truly sweet among us!) - the mil is hurt by the statement and doesn’t let it go, the husband doesn’t want his mistake pointed out, doesn’t want to feel put down by his mil - we are all so quick to focus on how someone else has hurt or offended us.

Given that - sotoluv, the best way to be in the middle is to be praying for both of them and trying not to let their emotional upset, upset you. I would not have asked my husband to apologize, because you already did apologize. His calling her up would just put the focus back on something she needs to let go of. Other than praying about it, I would leave it at that.

i completely agree with this post… and i do not think your husband is a verbal abuser… the word “verbal abuse” is ABUSED i think!!!
anytime someone says a little something to hurt us, there we all get on a high horse and term that person as a verbal abuser…
you have apologised for ur husband and ur mom needs to let it go… also make sure that ur husband understands that he should not make any such comments in the future…even if that means that he keeps his mouth shut around the MIL… thats all there is to it!!! sheesh!!!

 

[newf]

sotoluv,

Your husband behaved badly. People do NOT say “lame answer from a lame person” when they respect that person. Sorry, but that is completely RUDE on his behalf. And then, since it is your own mother, that is even worse. When he refused to apologize, well, we really know what kind of guy he is now, don’t we??..a weak one.

Good luck, sotoluv, you’ve got your hands full with this guy.

 

[SMHW]

Any advice?

My opinion?

This is a man-woman difference here. Amplified. Big time.

Men joke around with their friends this way all the time. Competition, including rude verbal sparing, is a form of male socializing.

Women don’t do this. Women generally find competition to be an impediment to friendship. And women tend to view verbal attacks as the most deadly.

Many of our social conventions are for the purposes of preventing this sort of foreign language mixup. Younger people often have a distain for social etiquette because they lack the experience to know just how serious such mixups can be.

Your husband committed a verbal faux pas by using a phrase from the male lexicon in the presence of a female - an older high ranking female, at that.

Your mother failed realize that this younger man was committing an error of etiquette rather than attacking her.

Your husband’s error was treating your mother like a male friend rather than as your mother. Your mother’s error was assuming your husband’s disregard for etiquette was aimed specifically at her.

 

[cheeto1]

I have been in a situation similar to this before. Things got
much worse than I could have ever dreamed possible. People usually over-react whenever they are embarrassed, and all 3
of you are embarrassed at once. I could have saved myself much misery by being quiet. Stop now, and if your mother says anything else then tell her: I hope the two of you will be able to work this out.

I am sad with you and will pray that things get better…

 

[Eliza10]

i completely agree with this post… and i do not think your husband is a verbal abuser… the word “verbal abuse” is ABUSED i think!!!
anytime someone says a little something to hurt us, there we all get on a high horse and term that person as a verbal abuser…

I just want to clarify - I did not say anyone was a verbal abusor. The put-down “joke” that is the subject of this thread is verbal abuse. That is an acurate use of the term, evenif folks don’t like the term. I know I don’t want it going on in my house. Its not a good thing for a child to witness anyone getting by with, as if it were normal and okay, without even a frown of disapproval from Mom.

Calling it what it is is not popular with folks who like to smooth things over, but smoothing over and excusing verbally abusive statements is not wise.

 

[estesbob]

I think this is an extremely serious issue and not just about a misunderstanding between your husband and mother. .

I don’t think this is exteremely serious at all. Once i saw the OP had been married only 3 years i figured it was just one of those turf wars that go on between spouses and in-laws-turf wars that usually fade away along about the time the first granchild comes along.

 

[raggakitten]

I don’t think you should ask your husband to apologise…
It was long ago and it’s really childish of your mom to be so upset and to think bad of him for a comment he did long time ago…
True, maybe your husband shouldn’t joke the same way with everybody, but I don’t think you should be moving the quicksand anymore… Now you have 2 people upset and your husband was at least not upset before…
You live with your husband! You should have just explained to your mom how your husband is, and if she takes it in a good way, FINE, if not, just leave her there, because anyway she lives FAR AWAY and doesn’t need to be having grudges against someone who she doesn’t even have to see everyday! And anyway, you accepted it, she’s too sensitive, and making your husband apologise for something that happened long ago is ridiculous. Specially when you already explained to your mom that it was only a joke… She’s an adult and she can understand the concept.

 

[Brenda_V]

sotolov said in part, “Well, yesterday, I was on the phone with my mother and was talking about how my husband was having a hard time with someone at work. She was very unsympathetic, which bothered me a lot. Then, a few minutes later, she started going off about how my husband had really hurt her feelings and he was very disrespectful, etc. etc. I didn’t know how to react.”

The way I saw it was, mom was hurt by husbands barbed humor, mom was not making anything out of it really until she was asked to have sympathy for having a hard time with someone at work. She may really have been trying to get over the hurt (like it or not, as women we can have hormonal flux that causes us to “hold onto” something longer than even we want to and when reminded of how insensitive this guy can be it just brings it all up again). Who even said she, mom, was asking for an apology? Maybe it was her way of saying the guy deserves no sympathy for how things are playing out at work.

Just my take on what was happening.

I will agree with everyone else who have said it - this is between your mom and your husband, stay out of it and don’t let mom (if she says anything unprovoked again) go on about it - you brought it up originally really by asking her to have sympathy for something happening to your husband at work.

Brenda V.

 

[kage_ar]

sotoluv,

Your husband behaved badly. People do NOT say “lame answer from a lame person” when they respect that person. Sorry, but that is completely RUDE on his behalf. And then, since it is your own mother, that is even worse. When he refused to apologize, well, we really know what kind of guy he is now, don’t we??..a weak one.

Good luck, sotoluv, you’ve got your hands full with this guy.

In my experience, people over the age of 14 do not say “lame answer from a lame person” ever. That phrase is not witty, it is actually - well, a lame attempt at humour.

Agree with those who say a real man shows compassion and Christ’s love to others. Love CAN joke, but, love is not rude (See 1 Cor 13 for backup on this). Seems at 26, he has some growing up to do.

There is also the whole “honor your father and mother” - guess what, inlaws count

Praying for ya’ll.

 

[prodigal-sun]

Are you people serious. Your husband said something to that offended someone! Whether she has a thick skin or a thin skin is irrelevant. He made a rude comment that hurt someone. Are we not called to respect our parents, is it alright to make a joke at someone elses expense and then be upset because they were hurt by the joke.

I say stupid things all the time, meant as jokes, then realize I crossed the line. It is my mistake and apologize profusely for my disrespect.

Sotoluv, you placed youself as an ambassador of your families. You are in the middle no matter what anyone else says! If you do not try to help mend this issue, who will?

I will pray for peace in your family!

 

[Meggie]

I can understand this situation as my parents are like this. My dad’s side of the family is EXTREMELY sarcastic. You either crack jokes or get bowled down. It is perfectly acceptable for a grandchild to pick on a grandparent, for a neice to pick on an uncle, and certinally visa-versa. If you said I’m going to “wait a minuite, I’ll pick one” referring to a cookie, someone would make jokes about picking your nose or butt. Everyone is called names, but in love and fun. The more razz you get, the more loved you are.

My mom’s family is TOTALLY opposite. She had a time adjusting to the humor b/c of it. At any rate, if you’re eating lunch and an uncle walks into the room and asks if you’re eating the sandwich obviously in your hand, you say “yes” (where as in Dad’s family you’d lick it, say duh, and ask if they wanted a bite) Sometimes my brother’s and I humor is not put in check, and mom’s family gets offended. Like opening a DVD and calling it a frizbee, they were hurt. A quick apologie and saying it was a joke, is all thats needed becuase they’ve come to realize thats how we are, especally when we’re relaxed and feel “at home.”

I can just picture my grandmother and my dad in the situation you speak of, where he said something that hurt her even though it would be perfectly acceptable in his family.

A quick apology, explain it was a joke, by him, should suffice to disappate the negative feelings. If not, your mom needs to have help to accept your husband for who he is.

 

[Island_Oak]

If your husband really was making an innocent (but completely stupid) joke, he would apologize immediately without being forced into it…

How long have the two of you been married? If it’s longer than a few years, I’d say both of them should know better…

I disagree and I hardly consider myself sensitive. I would die if my husband said that to my mom, and I certainly can’t imagine him doing it…

…if this were a simple misunderstanding and your husband said something innocently, I agree with the another poster that he would be more eager to “clear things up”…The fact that he has dug in his heels and refuses to call her is (in my opinion) a possible sign of a more serious issue …It is not necessary for him to grovel to her, but a simple “I didn’t mean it and I feel bad you were hurt” sounds like it would do wonders. What is keeping him from taking such a simple step to make your family life better? Why is he unwilling to reach out an olive branch to his wifes mother?

I definitely agree that your husband needs to apologize to your mother. He knows she is upset and whether he intended to or not, he caused her to be upset. A caring person apologizes and feels genuine remorse for having (inadvertently or otherwise) hurt someone. .

Agree with all these wise observations. Sometimes it’s not about being right, but doing the right thing. It would cost your husband nothing to call your mom and, with a little humor and humilty, explain he had just learned she was offended by his attempt at a joke and assure her while he knows he’s no Jay Leno, he certainly wasn’t intending to embarass or offend her. Done. Over. Respect (both ways) restored.

 

[deb1]

Well, yesterday, I was on the phone with my mother and was talking about how my husband was having a hard time with someone at work. She was very unsympathetic, which bothered me a lot. Then, a few minutes later, she started going off about how my husband had really hurt her feelings and he was very disrespectful, etc. etc. ?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed this, but it doesn’t sound as though the mother in law is asking for an apology.

You mentioned that your hubby is having a hard time with someone at work. And you also said that you apparently thought that your mom should have sympathy with his plight.

It sounds that your mom has picked up on the fact that your hubby’s humor might cause him to have problems relating to others. It isn’t a bad thing to point out that he might be causing his own problems. In fact, that might help him in life much more then expressing pity for his problems.

My own hubby has a sarcastic sense of humor so I can understand dealing with such a person. He is one of the kindest, most loving people you would meet but he also has a sense of humor that can accidentally mask his soft side. Over the years I have assisted him in understanding that he needs to be more aware of the effect of what he says has on others.

I don’t think that your hubby needs to apologize because I don’t see that your mom asked for an apology. Your hubby just needs to understand that he has to learn to differentiate who is amused by his humor and who isn’t.

Besides if your the only one laughing at the joke then what you said was not funny.

 

[Seatuck]

In my experience, people over the age of 14 do not say “lame answer from a lame person” ever. That phrase is not witty, it is actually - well, a lame attempt at humour.

Agree with those who say a real man shows compassion and Christ’s love to others. Love CAN joke, but, love is not rude (See 1 Cor 13 for backup on this). Seems at 26, he has some growing up to do.

There is also the whole “honor your father and mother” - guess what, inlaws count

Praying for ya’ll.

I’m in this camp. At 26 , hubby should know a little more about how you act with different groups of people. Hubby should apologize. He was rude and unsulting and disrespectful.Even if he did not intend it he should make restitution for it. Especially since he only sees Mother In Law a couple of times a year and how can she have time to accustome herself to him. Even if she does , she may still feel offended and he is half responsible to do something about that. If he calls and apologizes he can dialogue with her about his sense of humor so that next time a misunderstanding can be avoided. I am concerned that he isn’t willing to do it if only for his wife’s sake.

My DH has a “off” sense of humor as well. I know some people look at him oddly, mistrust him and our family who is used to him often feels hurt by some of the things he says.

People like this need to grow up and become more aware of the impact they are having with what they say.