Disagreement over care of elderly parent

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njlisa

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My sister and I never agree on the care of our elderly father. We went through terrible struggles when my mother was terminally ill. And now, the scenario is replaying itself. My sister has medical power of attorney. So I have no legal authority to challenge her decisions. And my father lives with her. So that gives me even less ability to challenge her.
We disagree most on narcotic pain medications. I’m for them when the pain is bad enough. She’s against them. We also struggle greatly on sedation when needed. Again, I’m for them. She’s against them. I watched my dying mother say “help me” over and over because she was so anxious. It was absolutely heart-breaking. All I could do is hold her hand and constantly comfort her.
My father has collapsed a number of times from pain in his leg. My sister has taken him to the doctor. I thought he should be taken to the hospital.
My sister decided that having my father wear a cervical collar is the way to go. I can’t imagine why.
Earlier this year, my father had horrible abdominal pain. That situation was ignored almost too long. It turned out that he had horrible gallstones and his gall bladder was going gangrene.
I’m really out of ideas. My sister is extremely abusive whenever she is challenged.

I would appreciate any perspective that can be offered.
 
I don’t know how good your local adult protective services are, but they do exist

state.nj.us/humanservices/doas/services/aps/

It’s like CPS, but for vulnerable adults like your father.

I don’t know if you have anything to share with them right now that would be actionable, but if any other situation arises with untreated pain or neglect, you can trigger an investigation.

Best wishes!
 
What you seem to be presenting are not particularly care issues as much as family dynamic issues.

The care can easily be taken care of by having a home health agency stop by once a week to act as an advocate. If she won’t agree you can contact the adult protective services to begin an investigation, and while as has been stated they may not have actionable information at this point, knowing an outside agency is looking into it might make your sister a little more cooperative.

As far as the medical isues, there are ways to alleviate anxiety without full sedation and if your father is stating he is uncomfortable, then he should have medication until he’s ok with it…

Good luck. Family situations like this tend to be pretty uncomfortable and frustrating.
 
ChurchSoldier said:
What you seem to be presenting are not particularly care issues as much as family dynamic issues.

The care can easily be taken care of by having a home health agency stop by once a week to act as an advocate. If she won’t agree you can contact the adult protective services to begin an investigation, and while as has been stated they may not have actionable information at this point, knowing an utside agency is looking into it might make your sister a little more cooperative.

As far as the medical isues, there are ways to alleviate anxiety without full sedation and if your father is stating he is uncomfortable, then he should have medication until he’s ok with it…

Good luck. Family situations like this tend to be pretty uncomfortable and frustrating.
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This is absolutely correct. This is a family dynamic issue. It’s been going on for years. I won’t burden you with all the details. I could write a book! Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
njlisa said:
My sister and I never agree on the care of our elderly father. We went through terrible struggles when my mother was terminally ill. And now, the scenario is replaying itself. My sister has medical power of attorney. So I have no legal authority to challenge her decisions. And my father lives with her. So that gives me even less ability to challenge her.
We disagree most on narcotic pain medications. I’m for them when the pain is bad enough. She’s against them. We also struggle greatly on sedation when needed. Again, I’m for them. She’s against them. I watched my dying mother say “help me” over and over because she was so anxious. It was absolutely heart-breaking. All I could do is hold her hand and constantly comfort her.
My father has collapsed a number of times from pain in his leg. My sister has taken him to the doctor. I thought he should be taken to the hospital.
My sister decided that having my father wear a cervical collar is the way to go. I can’t imagine why.
Earlier this year, my father had horrible abdominal pain. That situation was ignored almost too long. It turned out that he had horrible gallstones and his gall bladder was going gangrene.
I’m really out of ideas. My sister is extremely abusive whenever she is challenged.

I would appreciate any perspective that can be offered.
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As another poster suggested it is time to get adult services involved. If you suspect she is not caring for your father correctly, with holding needed pain medications and waiting to long to get care you better move on this.

When someone is dying pain medications and medications for anxiety are commonly used and there is no reason to with-hold them. The sooner you contest her care practices the better. They don’t sound very solid.
 
Start with a report to adult protective services. It would be a good idea to consult an elder care attorney to discuss options, including seeking guardianship if necessary. Also, have you said anything to his doctors? Your sister’s authority to make health care decisions does not override your father’s rights. As long as he is able to make his own decisions, the doctors should be honoring his wishes.
 
njlisa said:
This is absolutely correct. This is a family dynamic issue. It’s been going on for years. I won’t burden you with all the details. I could write a book! Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
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I would like to offer another perspective. If this is a family dynamic issue, your sister could be subconsciously withholding the medication as a way to show you who is in charge. It is not fair to your dad, but could still be what is going on. Perhaps, if you stop nagging your sister and change your approach, things would be different

If my father was living with me and I was the one who had the responsibility 24/7, I would resent someone telling me what to do. An outsider really does not know what your sister is living with day in and day out.

For some reason or other your sister was given poser of attorney because I will assume at the time your dad gave it to her. It was his best judgement and she gets to make the decisions.

It is hard to sit still when our parents are being mistreated. Nonetheless, sometimes we need to accept our limitations

Angie
 
Believe me, I don’t nag her. She would crush me like a bug.
 
Dacinom said:
I have a question and I am only asking to gain more insight. Clearly your sister must have some qualities that your parents admire and trust because they have placed their lives in her hands?

It confuses me because this is not just one incident. Your sister is someone that your parents knew well, presumably. Yet they signed papers giving her rights and even live with her. If she was that evil of a person I don’t understand why they didn’t appoint you instead. I am not trying to argue just trying to gain perspective. I am sorry you are going through this. I will pray for your family. Please take care.
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Unfortunately there are a lot of ways that a person can convince a parent to become their medical power of attorney. That appointment does not mean the person is good to them, or even the person they trust the most. Many conditions go into the choice, and sad to say an abusive person can use intimidation ever bit as effectively as a truly concerned person might. I am not suggesting this is the case, but it is a possible reason for the current situation.

I had MPOA for my paternal grandparents, and have it for my siblings as well as my father. Our situation is entirely above board and with deep trust. Sadly not all folks are in the same situation and may have little actual choice. If there is concern those who are left out of the loop certainly can take matters to court, or have a well fare check done by social services. Sadly elder abuse is a great problem in our country, so any concerns need to be checked into sooner than later.
 
My sister and her husband have the financial resources to build an entire wing on her house for my parents to live in. I don’t. She got along very well with my parents – before they moved up to her place.

My mother and I had a lot of discussions about medical power of attorney. She made her own decision for both her and my dad.

I don’t want to call my sister evil. I’m sorry I suggested that.

Also, I am disabled myself.
 
I should also say that my sister is extremely abusive to ME when challenged – not abusive to my parents. She just doesn’t like sedation and pain meds.
 
I have talked to my mother’s doctors – but never my dad’s.
 
perhaps his doctor, and your sisters pastor could help convince her that pain meds are acceptable in the catholic church.
 
Dacinom said:
Thank you for clarifying. No, you didn’t call your sister evil and I apologize for using that word. It’s just that withholding pain medication from a dying person in pain is an evil thing to do that’s all, so the word came to my mind.

It seems as if your sister really does love your parents then? Perhaps you just have a different perspective? Maybe by living with them she has a different opinion? Even doctors and medical professionals have different opinions.

If you think your parents are being abused then call social services. However I would only do so if you honestly believe your sister is committing a crime because that is a serious charge. It seems as if your parents went in living with your sister with 100% knowledge and even discussed it with you as you say.

Have you tried complimenting your sister? Do you ever tell your sister that you appreciate her and all that she does? Or when the two of you get together are the only words that are exchanged disagreements and cut-downs about how things are not done the “right way?” I wonder how much of this is about the two of you and your relationship as siblings? Your sister paid a lot of money to build a wing onto her home for your parents when she could have just sent them to a nursing home.

I am not defending your sister’s actions, she could be manipulative and selfish I certainly don’t know her. I am just saying from the little you have written about her it does seem that your parents did trust her quite a bit and that she went out of her way to open her home to them. Maybe your relationship with her can be repaired somewhat for the little bit of time you have left as a family? God bless you.
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I’m very pleasant to her. In fact, she uses me as a sounding board. She feels free to joke with me. My main issue with her has to do with pain meds and sedation. She was out of town when my dad had the gallbladder surgery. He couldn’t figure out how to work the button on the IV to activate his dilaudid dose. (He’s very forgetful.) So I asked the nurses to arrange to continuous drip of dilaudid. In giving my sister the report when she got back, I mentioned the dilaudid drip. I was thinking, she needs to know he can’t manage the button.So he needs pills or injections. She didn’t like that I had requested the dilaudid drip. That’s the sort of thing we disagree about.

I just listened to her and “took my medicine” – so to speak.
 
i will say, just for perspective, the sibling doing all the work (good or bad) rarely appreciates advise and/or criticism from siblings who are doing nothing but kibitzing. and who is to say she is doing the wrong thing, unless you can get support from a doctor or elder services.
 
I certainly do a heck of a lot more than kibbutz. I regularly see my father (including in the hospital). And I helped my mother die.
 
I’m not accusing anyone of a crime. I was thanking the person for contributing a good idea.
 
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