Disagreement over care of elderly parent

  • Thread starter Thread starter njlisa
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I don’t think my sister is a criminal. I don’t think she is evil. I don’t want to turn her in tot he state. I don’t really butt heads with her, because she has a nasty temper. Yes, I am very nice and pleasant to her. I don’t critique her. I was trying to blow off some steam because my father had collapsed several times on his leg.

I’m disabled myself and I live in a lot of pain.

As I said before, I am a sounding board for my sister. She shares whatever she likes with me and I listen to her.
 
njlisa said:
BTW, thanks everyone for your idea.
Click to expand...
Do you know any attorneys that could explain how state services for the elderly work? I ask because it is theoretically possible for the state, once invited in, to come in and take over your father’s care. If you think your sister is controlling, be concerned about someone who is being paid out of your father’s estate to make decisions about his care.
oregonlive.com/news/oregonian/steve_duin/index.ssf/2012/02/the_story_of_benjamin_alfano_a.html (part 1 of a 3 part series, and there are follow-ups to that.)

Your father may not have an estate to use up, but if the state takes control from your sister, my impression is that it will probably not go to you. Control of his care might go to someone appointed by the state and paid for by whatever assets your dad has left. Your sister might not be allowed to see him at all. If he is not being abused, but only being cared for in ways that you don’t like, I’d try to persuade your sister rather than invite outside forces in. Leave that resort for when he actually needs to be saved from bad care.

I am not saying that the people who work for the state are bad people. I’m saying they don’t have surgical instruments to work with in these cases. Sometimes, they have to either use a club or else use nothing.

I think you would be better off to go to your father’s doctor and tell him/her that you are anxious that your sister is not up on current thinking concerning pain treatment. Do research the ins and outs of medical power of attorney in your jurisdiction. You may need to know that information.

Get advice from an attorney or talk to some people in the field of geriatric medicine. This is specialized and locale-specific stuff.
 
Have you tried going to your fathers Drs appointments with your sister? There might be a lot more going on then you know. If he collapses in pain again, I would just call 911 and have him transported to the hospital. You have to be very careful with Narcotics and Sedatives in the elderly. It doesn’t sound like he is of sound mind since she is using her medical power of attorney. Does your Father have dementia? If so you sister probably has read that Narcotics and Sedatives can make it worse, but probably didn’t read not all Narcotics and Sedatives are bad. If he does have dementia, is he the one telling you these things? I know for a fact that people with Dementia say a lot of things that do not happen. My FIL Died of Alzheimers and the stories he could tell, none of the true. He even told of one when I met him at the ER and they put him in a room, started and IV and put in a cather, and when I arrived, he said that no one had seen him since he had been there since morning. He was there a half hour. So there are a lot of factors here that are to unknown, how often do you see him?

These are just some of the things Adult Protective services will ask you. If your father is of sound mind then he should be speaking his mind to his Dr. You can call his dr with your concerns and they should speak with him, but since you do not have medical power of attorney they will not tell you anything unless your sister gives them permission to do so.

Good Luck and you all are in my Prayers
 
njlisa said:
I don’t think my sister is a criminal. I don’t think she is evil. I don’t want to turn her in tot he state. I don’t really butt heads with her, because she has a nasty temper. Yes, I am very nice and pleasant to her. I don’t critique her. I was trying to blow off some steam because my father had collapsed several times on his leg.

I’m disabled myself and I live in a lot of pain.

As I said before, I am a sounding board for my sister. She shares whatever she likes with me and I listen to her.
Click to expand...
Sometimes butting heads is how siblings communicate. It does sound as if leading her to a conclusion is a more likely strategy than trying to force her to one.

Maybe you can work on how she talks to you without objecting to what she is saying, as in: “OK, you think X. Do you think you could say it again without the part that makes me feel attacked for saying anything at all? I’m not trying to upset you, just trying to make sure that both sides of the question are looked at. After all, we would feel terrible if Dad got less pain relief than he should have, wouldn’t we? It is worth looking at, even if you come to the same conclusion you started with. Even the doctors look at this differently now than they did 20 years ago, and differently 20 years ago than 40 years ago, because they keep learning more and more about how to practice care for the old. Even doctors consult with others. Otherwise, you have the burden of taking on every decision yourself and living with all the outcomes yourself.”
 
I want to thank every person who has contributed to my initial post. I have made a number of discoveries through your advice.

I have resolved, with God’s help, to do all I can to help my father while maintaining harmony with my sister. I ask God to forgive me my shortcomings and anger.

I ask all of you to pray for me and my family. Thanks so much.
 
I don’t know about the laws in your state; but if you can prove your sister is not properly providing medical care for your father, you could petition the courts to have you named as his guardian and therefore be able to make the decisions of his medical care. You would need to see a lawyer to find out if that’s possible – if your father is in another state, I think the laws of the state he lives in would govern.

If your father is in his right mind, he could change his power of attorney to name you as his POA – in which case you’d need to be prepared to move him in with you or nearer you so that you could manage his care.
 
I am delighted to report that my sister, on her own, decided to take my father to a pain management specialist. His diagnosis is diffuse spondylosis congenital fusion of c5 & 6. I’m so glad she’s made this decision.

P.S. My sister has never neglected my parents. She and I have differences on pain medication and sedation.

Thank you for your prayers.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top