disagreement over self-pleasuring

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verily88

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Hi all, this is my first post.
I am a Catholic in my 20s. My boyfriend is not religious, and due to my concerns about it, he has tried to give up porn - with some gradual success. However, he still masturbates, and defends that activity as essential to his wellbeing, especially since we are not sexually active (also because of my values). I haven’t been overly strong on getting him to stop masturbating, as I felt dealing with one thing at a time is better, and no porn might lead to reduced urges anyway… apparently not!
I don’t know what to think. When I think of him self-pleasuring in his room, while I am doing something else, it bothers me. NOT because I feel like I am a better person than he.
I am afraid I’ll seem dishonest if at this point I bring up masturbation, because til now I’ve just said I had a problem with porn.
Also, it sometimes feels like I am putting him through moral tests all the time, some of which I would fail myself.
What would you do if in this situation?
 
Oops, I guess I am in the wrong forum… I ended up here as we are discerning marriage right now:blush:
 
verily88 said:
Hi all, this is my first post.
I am a Catholic in my 20s. My boyfriend is not religious, and due to my concerns about it, he has tried to give up porn - with some gradual success. However, he still masturbates, and defends that activity as essential to his wellbeing, especially since we are not sexually active (also because of my values). I haven’t been overly strong on getting him to stop masturbating, as I felt dealing with one thing at a time is better, and no porn might lead to reduced urges anyway… apparently not!
I don’t know what to think. When I think of him self-pleasuring in his room, while I am doing something else, it bothers me. NOT because I feel like I am a better person than he.
I am afraid I’ll seem dishonest if at this point I bring up masturbation, because til now I’ve just said I had a problem with porn.
Also, it sometimes feels like I am putting him through moral tests all the time, some of which I would fail myself.
What would you do if in this situation?
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Hypothetically speaking:

Life married to someone who will persevere in mortal sin, and not practice any of the catholic faith, who might scorn the catholic faith, and put their whole life in danger of ending up in hell, life with that kind of hypothetical person would be a very very difficult life. And would be a Cross.
 
crystal_waters said:
Is he catholic?..would he be open to talking to a priest about controlling his urges?..
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He is not practising. I’m not sure if he would be open to speaking to a priest. I guess I could suggest it.
I definitely think another man would know how to deal with the topic better than I do!
 
MaryHelp777 said:
Hypothetically speaking:

Life married to someone who will persevere in mortal sin, and not practice any of the catholic faith, who might scorn the catholic faith, and put their whole life in danger of ending up in hell, life with that kind of hypothetical person would be a very very difficult life. And would be a Cross.
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When you put it like that… I guess it could be. However, since I’ve known him he has been changing gradually, for the better. I wonder if it’s part of God’s plan for him.
 
verily88 said:
He is not practising. I’m not sure if he would be open to speaking to a priest. I guess I could suggest it.
I definitely think another man would know how to deal with the topic better than I do!
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If he is open to talking to a priest then I think a priest would be a great person for him to talk to as a priest will have all kinds of advice on how he can stay chaste and not self pleasure as the priest himself has to lead a celibate life so he will know what he is talking about
 
verily88 said:
Hi all, this is my first post.
I am a Catholic in my 20s. My boyfriend is not religious, and due to my concerns about it, he has tried to give up porn - with some gradual success. However, he still masturbates, and defends that activity as essential to his wellbeing, especially since we are not sexually active (also because of my values). I haven’t been overly strong on getting him to stop masturbating, as I felt dealing with one thing at a time is better, and no porn might lead to reduced urges anyway… apparently not!
I don’t know what to think. When I think of him self-pleasuring in his room, while I am doing something else, it bothers me. NOT because I feel like I am a better person than he.
I am afraid I’ll seem dishonest if at this point I bring up masturbation, because til now I’ve just said I had a problem with porn.
Also, it sometimes feels like I am putting him through moral tests all the time, some of which I would fail myself.
What would you do if in this situation?
Click to expand...
I would ask him why he considers it to be essential to his wellbeing. Ask him why he can’t do without, and if necessary, remind him that there was a time when he didn’t need to.

Don’t let him turn it into “you won’t have sex with me so I have to do this instead” because that’s rubbish. Your values deserve to be respected by him, and he shouldn’t be using your values as an excuse to make you feel guilty. Don’t compromise your values for anything.

Lou
 
This may be a good secular source and real positive testimonials to stopping the habit of masturbation.

reddit.com/r/NoFap/

A man who cannot freely refrain from his sexual urges will also not be able to freely give himself in the marital act of sex. One who controls with his imagination whatever he wants to see to sexually arouse him might find it difficult to adjust to a real life woman who can’t be whoever and do whatever unlike his imagination.

I would certainly bring it up to him yourself if I were you, but only after you spend some time in prayer and reflection so that you may understand what exactly about it you don’t feel comfortable with.

Other’s have suggested a priest which may be good. I would say that it seems habitual sin isn’t realized**through a priest but can be overcome with the help of one.

If he understands that his ceasing of masturbation is going to be of great benefit to your possible future marriage that could really change his heart.

I’m also glad that he isn’t hiding this from you. That is a good sign that real change can happen. I hope this helps! It comes from the many different experiences of many different men.
 
Lou2U said:
I would ask him why he considers it to be essential to his wellbeing. Ask him why he can’t do without, and if necessary, remind him that there was a time when he didn’t need to.

Don’t let him turn it into “you won’t have sex with me so I have to do this instead” because that’s rubbish. Your values deserve to be respected by him, and he shouldn’t be using your values as an excuse to make you feel guilty. Don’t compromise your values for anything.

Lou
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Thanks for your comment, Lou.
I guess he sees no *point *in doing without. He thinks it’s healthy. I’m really not sure what to think about that.
 
JD1789 said:
A man who cannot freely refrain from his sexual urges will also not be able to freely give himself in the marital act of sex.
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I am familiar with this kind of statement, but I’m not sure I understand the idea. Is it that in the marital act, he would not be acting freely but rather out of compulsion?
 
verily88 said:
I am familiar with this kind of statement, but I’m not sure I understand the idea. Is it that in the marital act, he would not be acting freely but rather out of compulsion?
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Yes. Or he may not even be able to give himself at all. Many young men are struggling with erectile dysfunction due to chronic porn and masturbation use. It’s rather alarming. It’s also of note that men who chronically masturbate are training themselves to quickly reach the end of the act. There are also studies that show a decreases in testosterone over time with chronic masturbation. This can ironically lead to a decreased sex drive for the real thing. It’s much easier to take a lazy way to dopamine release than to actually engage in a meaninhful act with another.
 
nunsuch said:
WHY is this on a Vocation forum?
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Marriage is a vocation.
Forum information:
Vocations - discuss discernment of your own vocation to the religious, married, or single life; share your experiences with others; get information on diocesan and secular priestly formation and on religious orders
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verily88 said:
Thanks for your comment, Lou.
I guess he sees no *point *in doing without. He thinks it’s healthy. I’m really not sure what to think about that.
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I would tell him why you are opposed to it, and show him the links posted by Elizium23 to help explain it to him.

It isn’t really healthy, though. If it was unhealthy not to do it, there would lots more problems with those who chose not to do it, but this is clearly not the case.

Lou
 
Hi verily,
I do think it’s great that you 2 have already communicated about the porn issue. It’s not an easy subject to be open about, especially for a guy if he’s struggling with it. I’d be curious to know if you brought this up or he brought it up. If he brought it up, it could mean he has a sense of guilt about it, and wants to change, which is great.

Guys are stimulated visually, which is why they often do view porn while masturbating. I’d ask him what he’s thinking about if he’s masturbating and not using porn…is he visualizing sex with you…or porn he’s watched in the past? Either way, I agree, it doesn’t seem right that he’s fantasizing about having sex while in reality you’re nowhere in the vicinity.

I think you’re totally in the right for bringing up your concerns about masturbation to him.
It’s not easy to bring up, but you have standards, it’s your right to expect him to live up to those, especially if you’re discerning marriage. Your beliefs are obviously important to you, and Church teaching is clear that masturbation is a grave, distorted act (Catechism 2352). You could calmly show him that passage of the Catechism and see how he reacts. Does he pause to think about it, consider it an important issue, knowing it’s important to you, or does he immediately get defensive and put a wall up?

If he feels he is addicted, he may want to see if there are any support groups nearby, but it sounds like he will need to change his thinking first, and there’s only so much you can do about that.
 
dangerousdyls said:
Hi verily,
I do think it’s great that you 2 have already communicated about the porn issue. It’s not an easy subject to be open about, especially for a guy if he’s struggling with it. I’d be curious to know if you brought this up or he brought it up. If he brought it up, it could mean he has a sense of guilt about it, and wants to change, which is great.

Guys are stimulated visually, which is why they often do view porn while masturbating. I’d ask him what he’s thinking about if he’s masturbating and not using porn…is he visualizing sex with you…or porn he’s watched in the past? Either way, I agree, it doesn’t seem right that he’s fantasizing about having sex while in reality you’re nowhere in the vicinity.

I think you’re totally in the right for bringing up your concerns about masturbation to him.
It’s not easy to bring up, but you have standards, it’s your right to expect him to live up to those, especially if you’re discerning marriage. Your beliefs are obviously important to you, and Church teaching is clear that masturbation is a grave, distorted act (Catechism 2352). You could calmly show him that passage of the Catechism and see how he reacts. Does he pause to think about it, consider it an important issue, knowing it’s important to you, or does he immediately get defensive and put a wall up?

If he feels he is addicted, he may want to see if there are any support groups nearby, but it sounds like he will need to change his thinking first, and there’s only so much you can do about that.
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I brought up the porn issue, not him. He is certainly open about all of this stuff, but he actually had no feelings of guilt surrounding porn usage. That has changed somewhat.
 
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