Disappointed in teenage son's behavior

[Liberanosamalo]

First of all, I disagree with the “you spot it, you got it” mentality. No. I don’t lie. But I hate seeing it in others. And I call them on it. We are called to observe people and discern their characters. If you can’t spot vice in others, you’re walking around with a target on your own back.

KathyA, your son is at that age. He is starting to separate from you emotionally. He does it by biting your head off. It’s kind of a primate thing. Time to send him off to roam the veldt in packs with the other male chimps his age.

That’s what the Naval Academy is for. Pray he gets in. They detect a note of arrogance or pride, they’ll know what to do with him. That’s what Plebe Summer is for.

But the criticism you see is also the mark of a good leader. He looks around. He sees what others do in a timely fashion. He notes when it is not done. He points it out. That really can keep a ship from sinking. Not so good with mom’s feelings though. Uncle Sam will teach him how to channel those powers of observation.

No, you don’t want to unleash an arrogant and disrespectful jerk on the world. But at least he can show a good side to the world. You get the leftovers. Welcome to motherhood.

If it helps to know, I’ve seen sons do this before. And they come back wearing their uniforms and they hug mom and are so sweet it makes her cry.

He’s a work in progress. Have patience. Pray for him to grow in virtue. And be proud of him. He’s willing to serve his country in a time of war. You’ve done better than you give yourself credit for.

I take it he’s your oldest and these are new waters you’re navigating. It’ll get choppy. Just hang on. Smoother seas are ahead.

 

[L2P2]

He is starting to separate from you emotionally. He does it by biting your head off. It’s kind of a primate thing. Time to send him off to roam the veldt in packs with the other male chimps his age.

Heh heh heh. I rather like this comment, although I would not carry it too far. As they roam, it’s important to keep in close contact. Even the veldt has cell phone service.

 

[Cluny]

Remember that at his age, he’s just going to have different viewpoints and opinions from your own.

It’s not lack of humility. It’s called growing up.

And if he’s likely to get an appointment to the Naval Academy or NROTC scholarship, I’d say you’ve done your job pretty well!

 

[L2P2]

And if he’s likely to get an appointment to the Naval Academy or NROTC scholarship, I’d say you’ve done your job pretty well!

Absolutely, but it is still not an excuse for bad behavior with regard to his mother. Academic achievement is not grounds for failing to honor his parents. Ever.

 

[dashso40]

Kids can be rude…maybe he’s nervous about the future and taking it out on you…

 

[Seatuck]

I like Kage’s idea to get serious with teaching service and humility. You do want to make sure you have modeled and taught .

Another take on it is that often when Seniors in high school make the decision as to where they want to go they begin the process of psychologically breaking up with the person who matters most to them. It can be a bear. I experienced this to some degree with my oldest and even more so with my middle child who “broke up” with all of us the summer before going off to college. I’m starting to see it in my youngest who is a senior now. She is detaching and trying to make decisions on her own which sometimes conflict with mine and what she wants done and she doesn’t have the patience for it.
There is a book called Letting Go which you might find helpful.

 

[joandarc2008]

Please don’t take my original post too tough- I didn’t mean it as an insult just some insight and ponderance. One thing that may help - since this was an individual incident that say “broke the camels back” why don’t you ask him to make two lists - things he feels you have done for him and things he feels you haven’t. You make the same list for him. Go over them together so that you can both work through your problems with each other and begin seeing each other from other’s perceptions. He is about to be a man and very shortly in the next decade will go off to war, get married, have kids, etc. If you have these issues with him you may wish to deal with them or it will be very hard to understand and communicate with a DIL that thinks just like him.

 

[KathyA]

Thanks for all of the replies. I did not intend to be vague about this situation, but rather thought I could throw it out there with out all of the details. I guess the question is, what causes a person (young or old) to be disrespectful? I think it comes from pride, which is countered by humility. Again, I’m not expecting JPII…

We live in a small town (3200), so the opportunities for service aren’t that great. However, I’m the volunteer leader for high school youth group, so we have done several service projects through youth group. We are also active in our community. I’ve been a 4-H leader and DH volunteers his time & talent (electrician) in helping with a Christmas lighting project in the city park. DS has helped with many of these projects, but I think he just doesn’t realize how lucky he is. (This is something his older sister did not realize until she went to college and experienced friends who had REALLY rough lives.) This will come with time and space between us, I’m sure.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was this…

On 9/11 DS got a mild concussion during a football game. He did not lose consciousness and he did not vomit. He felt nauseous and was pretty “foggy”. He came off the field without any disruption in the game…and didn’t return to the game. The trainer looked him over. My husband talked to the trainer and asked if DS needed to see a doctor. The trainer said no. It was a game about 2 hours from where we live. When we arrived home, there was a message on our answering machine from the trainer telling us to check on DS at least a couple of times and giving us a list of things to watch for. DH waited up until 1 am, when DS arrived home. They talked and DS seemed okay…not great…but okay considering. I set my alarm and got up at 4 to wake DS up and check on him again. He seemed okay then as well. The next morning, he woke up and said he felt fine. He had had plans to go on an out of town trip for the weekend with a friend and he begged me to let him go. I advised him to not do anything aggressive at all and to just be careful. He called around 4 pm and said he felt very ill, headache and nausea. I looked up concussion treatment on the internet and tried to advise him…lay down, rest, lots of fluids, etc. I called him around 8 pm and he said he felt much better. That he had taken a nap and had something to eat. The next morning, he reported feeling good again. So now we are at Sunday. I called the trainer and told him what DS had experienced and asked again if he should see a doctor. The trainer told me that the first 72 hours are very important and that we should continue to closely monitor DS. He said that he would talk to the coach about practice and that DS should begin very slowly and see how he tolerated the activity. So DS went to practice Monday and Tuesday…and did more than he should have done. He came home Tuesday insisting that he go to the doctor, as he felt terrible and nearly passed out at practice. (This must have scared the coach too, as they did not let DS drive home.) We agreed that I would make an appointment the next day. The next day, Wednesday, DS woke up and was violently ill with the flu. There was no question that it was the flu vs. concussion. I had a doctor’s appointment that day myself, so I talked to our doctor about DS and his symptoms. He confirmed what we had already been told, that DS needed to rest and slowly add activity back in. Okay, so DS was out of school on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with the flu. He did go to the game on Friday night because it was Homecoming, but he didn’t dress down. He felt better and better through the weekend and was anxious to get back at it on Monday. On Monday morning, he insisted on running to school (about a mile and a half) before weight training before school. I asked him if he was sure that was a good idea and he said he felt fine. Monday night, he came home from practice and I asked how it went. They watched game film and had “chalk talk”…no activity at all that practice. Then DS says, “Everyone thinks I need to see a doctor.” I said, “Why don’t we wait and see what happens after practice tomorrow?” That was when things began to unravel and he hit me with “When other kids get hurt, their parents take them to the doctor right away. They don’t wait five days!” I was so stunned! DS’s medical record is as long as a career criminal’s rap sheet. He has had so many x-rays, he practically glows! To suggest that I don’t take him to the doctor when he needs to go is not only way out of line, it’s simply false…and I have the bills and records to prove it. Anyway, the argument continued to the point that I broke down in tears. He came to talk to me, but continued to try to say that he was right and I was wrong. The whole thing was just very hurtful.

Someone said that perhaps I do too much for him…and that is probably quite true. Another said that he is getting ready to spread his wings and is beginning the separation process…yes, I believe that also. I do try to take into account all of the things mentioned…the pressures that teens face in today’s world and also the pressures that come with being a high achiever. I’ve let lots of smaller stuff pass, but this, I couldn’t let go. When I got hit with this I wondered if, as a parent, I shouldn’t have reigned him in much earlier. I guess that is still the question…

At any rate, I appreciate the feedback. We DID go to the doctor yesterday and left with written directions to do no hitting or tackling drills for another week and only do other activities as tolerated. BTW, DS was trying especially hard to be kind to me. Perhaps God is working on his heart.

Kathy

 

[whatevergirl]

*I see, Kathy. You know, it truly just seems like a misunderstanding. You wanted to take him to the doctor, but then he came down with the flu. Boys get hormonal, too. People think only teen girls get this way, but teen boys can be very moody at times. Looks like he had been through a lot physically in a short amount of time, so maybe he just snapped. If this is a rarity, I would not read into it. You sound like you have a good relationship…I don’t believe that you have done anything wrong, or he did, really. It’s just one of those situations where a misunderstanding occured. But, again–if he is snippy more often than not, I would definitely tell him that honoring you is important to God, and to you.

Good luck, thanks for sharing that with us. It helps to understand how things led up to that.*

 

[L2P2]

Don’t listen to the trainer. They have a goal in mind–i.e., winning–that is often at odds with the long-term, even short-term, health of their players. I too have children in high school sports, but I must confess that I will not let my son play football because of the injury risk.

It’s always hard to read situations without detail, so I would want to give some nuance to a couple of my earlier comments, mainly by asking you a question:

Does your son feel that you are too invested in his academic success, to which football contributes, as opposed to his worth as a child of God? If he does, do you feel his concern is valid?

 

[MPM]

Your son sounds like a good kid so I wouldn’t worry too much. I found my children (all in their 20’s now) acted a little disrespectful at this age too. Sometimes it is just a way for them to disconnect a little before they have to leave home. They are entering a scary time and taking out their frustrations on those they know will accept them in spite of their behavior.

 

[PaulinVA]

Kathy - yep, that’s 17 year old logic for you. “Mommy, I’m mad at you because you didn’t make me go to the doctor” “Mother, treat me like an adult”

There are some situations that, as a parent, it just seems like you can’t win. Either you are a helicopter parent and overprotective, or you don’t care as much as the other parents. Sometimes you can be blamed with both on the same day!

I’m sure you love him and did your best. Reading your post though, I have to say that I wouldn’t trust trainers or coaches as far as you can throw them when it comes to medical diagnoses. Doctors and concussions go well together.

Oh, yeah, as my wife and I joke about our oldest - let’s elect him President while he still knows everything.

 

[whatevergirl]

*HAHAHAHA I thought I was alone in this…does your son seem to ‘know everything’ too Paul?

My son declared the other night, with a smile…I think I could drop out of high school right now…and know more than most people in the world.

I said…You’re 16…you have a lot more to learn about life.

He said…I think I know more than you and dad, to tell you the truth.

I said, since you are silly enough to say something like that, you obviously don’t.



I know he’s being sarcastic…but sometimes, I wonder.

 

[PaulinVA]

Whatevergirl - yep, he knows everything. And I’m just sort of hopelessly old.

Last year, during the election, he took an AP Government class. We’re just outside the Beltway, so the Congressman came to class, Obama was actually at the school , McCain was at park nearby, and they generally had a great instructional year.

It was his first election voting and he took great pleasure in trying to bait my wife and me about his generally liberal views. He had an opinion about everything. Many good after-dinner discussions, most ending up with him blaming my generation for screwing things up.

Yep, part of growing up is a time when you think you know everything. Most people outgrow it around 20 or so. Some never do.

 

[joandarc2008]

He’s 17. Why doesn’t he get permission to see the MD on his own? Then he won’t have to worry about whether his parents take him to the doctor. When I was in my later teen years I played sports and worked so I had to call my own doctor and make my own appointments. If I wanted adult responsibility and priveleges I had to take on adult tasks. When I got to college I knew how to do these for myself as well. It made it nice. All it took was for my parents to sign off permission for me to do it. And, to be honest even though I was not doing anything wrong - at that age I felt more comfortable talking one on one with a female doctor about my body than with my mother there. I think it is just that “cutting the cord” stuff.

 

[Pro_Domina]

Pride is not something you can simply educate a person. Pride is part of our fallen nature.
Humility is not. There for the only way to practice it is through grace.

Perhaps you did not instill prayer sufficiently in his life, and it is very probable that your influence is greatly reduced, but that is precisely what makes it wonderful.

It is all going to depend on the Blessed Mother. Pray. Pray. AND PRAY!

Try to get him to pray, but I am sure it will be hard or even seemingly useless. But pray. Ask her to resolve this problem. But you must be honest. You must rather see your son in a coffin than with a blunt in his hand. Pray. She’ll take care of everything.
God to mass, ask masses to be offered. Go to the Blessed Sacrament.

 

[KathyA]

Does your son feel that you are too invested in his academic success, to which football contributes, as opposed to his worth as a child of God? If he does, do you feel his concern is valid?

Hmmm…do you mean, do I place so much emphasis on academic and athletic performance (even if it’s not overtly conveyed) that my son feels this is the only way to win my/God’s love??? As opposed to, making sure he understands that God loves Him with or without the grades??? I’m not sure that I’m clear on what the question is, so forgive me if I have messed it up with my interpretation.

DS has always been driven…a trait that I think is fairly common with second born children. I was that way too…but not quite to the extent that DS is. His older sister is completely opposite…so wrapped up in “fun” that she never spent ANY time on school work and had the marginal grades to prove it. We have always told our children that we wanted them to do their best and that includes being prepared for classes and exams. If they go in prepared and come out with a C, as long as they put forth their best, no problem. DS takes that to the absolute limit. He will report “I failed a test today”…when the grade is an A- instead of an A. It’s frustrating that he is so hard on himself, when the world is already hard enough! So, I don’t THINK that he feels pressure from us…but as so many have pointed out here, we’re talking about a teenager. Who knows for sure?

As for understanding that God loves him…that’s tougher that one would think. This is a message that is regularly conveyed in our home and in youth group…but is it ever truly understood at this age?? One of the essays he had to write for his USNA application was about how he has been affected by adversity. He wrote about a couple of difficult family situations with my parents (illness/death) and said that he learned from those experiences how important it is to trust God. SOOOO…I know his faith is strong, but I honestly can’t answer if he “gets” that God loves him…period…and it’s not dependent on getting good grades or successfully competing in sports.

Kathy

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl - yep, he knows everything. And I’m just sort of hopelessly old.

Last year, during the election, he took an AP Government class. We’re just outside the Beltway, so the Congressman came to class, Obama was actually at the school , McCain was at park nearby, and they generally had a great instructional year.

It was his first election voting and he took great pleasure in trying to bait my wife and me about his generally liberal views. He had an opinion about everything. Many good after-dinner discussions, most ending up with him blaming my generation for screwing things up.

Yep, part of growing up is a time when you think you know everything. Most people outgrow it around 20 or so. Some never do.

*Ain’t that the truth. lol

I think that my son will grapple with reconciling his faith, with some of his political views…It’s very cool to be able to discuss such things with your kids, though, right?

Okay, sorry to go OT, Kathy. *

 

[L2P2]

I know his faith is strong, but I honestly can’t answer if he “gets” that God loves him…period…and it’s not dependent on getting good grades or successfully competing in sports.

Actually, I asked a different question from the one you answered:

Do YOU–not God–think that your love of him is dependent on"getting good grades or successfully competing in sports"??

God’s love is unconditional.

 

[Jesus_123]

I sorry KathyA . . . and truly I am not being unkind . . . but I’ve raised three sons through lots-and-lots-of-sports activities . . . and there is just no gentle way to approach this gravely serious situation other than head on . . .

Your not taking your son to a doctor was incredibly unwise, irresponsible and very dangerous . . . **brain injuries are very serious matters **. . . and relying on some football trianer . . . who is in no way shape or form a medical professional . . . to give you medical advice in such a potentially serious medical situation . . . not a marvelous decision!. . . and most unsound and unsafe in regard to your son’s health . . . your son is absolutely right in his concern about this and in questioning your judgment as faulty in not getting him to a medical professional immediately . . . and I’d guess that he got questioned by more than one individual as to why he hadn’t been taken immediately to a doctor . . . which brought his concern level up considerably as to his possibly serious condition and the lack of professional medical care for the injury at the onset . . .

We discussed this here among our family and friends during this lunch hour . . . and everyone . . . 100% . . . agreed the first action to take in the case of a concussion is to get that child immediately to a doctor . . . You absolutely need a medical professional in a case such as this . . . period . . . and you need to apologize to your son for your seriously faulty judgment in this case . . . and encourage him . . . absolutely encourage him . . . that should he ever be so injured again to. . . ** immediately see a doctor . . . brain injuries are nothing to play around with . . . or to play the “wait-and-see” game with . . . without constant medical supervision and consultation . . .* delay can be deadly*** . . . and you made a grave error in judgment . . . below is a quote from the WebMD medical site re brain injury patients . . .

This situation has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with a lack of “humility” on the part of your son . . . it has to do with a decision that could have seriously jeopardized his health and well being . . . and it is a very good thing that he has recongized the danger and questioned the wisdom of how this . . . clearly medical situation . . . was handled . . . or in this case . . . mishandled . . .

. . . :coffeeread: . . . WedMD
Brain Injury Site

Perhaps the most common … type of brain injury is known as a concussion. It is usually caused by a blow to the head or a sudden change in speed, which in some cases can cause the brain to hit the interior wall of the skull. What remains true although of all concussions is that they are usually accompanied with some degree of immediate impairment of neurological function.

The brain consists of soft tissue encased in the skull. Cushioning the brain is a layer of cerebrospinal fluid which occupies the area between the interior of the skull and the brain. When a head injury is sustained, the brain can shift inside the skull possibly causing injuries such as damage to blood vessels, bruising, or nerve damage.
**
Common Signs**

A concussion can be hard to diagnose because many of its symptoms are common to many other different ailments. Some of the common signs that one may have sustained a concussion are:

        •           confusion

        •           headache

        •           vomiting or nausea

        •           problems with vision (blurred vision, sensitivity to light, double vision)

        •           problems with equilibrium and balance

        •           loss of consciousness

        •           memory loss

        •           hearing problems (ringing or hypersensitivity)

        •           drowsiness

        •           changes in personality and behavior

        •           seizure

These are only some of the possible symptoms, thus any changes in the way you feel after a head injury should be taken seriously. Sometimes the symptoms may last for only a few seconds at other times, they will appear days after the incident.

Severity Of The Concussion

There are several different schools of thought regarding how to classify the severity of a concussion, but most agree to three general levels: mild, moderate, and severe.

In a grade 1, or mild concussion, there is some confusion but the individual has no memory problems and does not lose consciousness. Symptoms usually clear a few minutes after the event.

In a grade 2 concussion, there is moderate confusion and the individual may have trouble recalling the event, but there is no loss of consciousness.

In a grade 3 concussion, there is loss of consciousness and no memory of the event.

When To Seek Medical Treatment

Even a mild concussion can be serious because symptoms may not appear immediately. The best way to protect yourself is to seek medical attention to help you decide what action should be taken.

A doctor may test your memory and concentration by asking simple questions, or test your coordination and reflexes. He or she may also order a CT scan or MRI if they believe that you may be suffering from internal bleeding or a more serious brain injury.

With the proper treatment, most individuals make a full recovery and are able to return to their normal activities.

**Link: **braininjurysite.com/traumatic-brain-injury/concussion/?kid=686102&ad=18489739013

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