Discerning a holy relationship!

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Steve001

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Hello friends,

My name is Steve, I am a 26 year old man - I am posting because I find myself turning to faith a lot at this time because a lot of chapters and books in my life have been closed. Essentially I graduated school only recently, I was desiring to pursue marriage with this one girl from the same state as I’m from- but she and I were not living chastely. I wasn’t pursuing chastity because of previous hurts I held in my heart. However, Because it separated her from God and it consumed her with guilt, she ended the relationship and I was left feeling broken and alone. I had a few good friends, but she was someone that I clicked with, someone I could spend a lot of time with. Someone I wanted to marry. Without her I didn’t have an understanding of where to go and what to do. So I turned to faith, I prayed novena after novena, rosary after rosary - I couldn’t get the hurt out of my heart. I meditated on the mysteries, I cried out to God.

I abstained from talking to her worked on myself and it just didn’t help. I committed to regular mass, adoration, sacraments, spiritual direction - but the void was still there.This breakup was 6 months ago, we’ve since spoken and met up and the desire is still within my heart, and in hers as well. I cried out to the Lord praying that my energy and attention would be focused on Him alone, and that I didn’t want her, I prayed for a greater desire to love Him. It helped, I grew in my relationship with Jesus - but my desire for her only intensified.

Sometimes when I am discouraged I turn to unchaste things - but thankfully I’ve been given the grace to always turn to confession and the sacraments. She desires a relationship but does not find that she is called to one, at least not now. This uncertainty and my own insecurity meanwhile means I struggle to detach myself from this desire, to not hold such an attachment to it. A holy catholic relationship has been the focal point of my desire since I was a child. Since this time though, I’ve worked on my disorderly hurt from the past and I feel as though God has encouraged me to pursue this woman, and its especially interesting because she still has interest in me. I obviously need to follow the example of Christ and be a gentleman, but how can I be a gentleman and encourage her to work towards our relationship. Am I disordered enough that my love for her is disordered? If so, how may I learn to turn away from this desire, and maybe find joy and peace elsewhere.

Thanks,

Yours in Christ,

Steve
 
Time to let her go and move on. The purpose of dating is to find a spouse and she has already determined that your relationship is not what she is looking for; it is not healthy for you to try and win her back. Get involved in new activities; meet new people and put this old relationship behind you. You never know what God has planned for you in the future so you should look there and not the past. Keep putting God first in your life and everything will turn out ok.
 
You may need to let her go, Steve. The greatest boon there is you’ve been given the grace to mend your relationship with God — the most important one in your life. In a certain sense you’ll always have that girl to thank for it, but that does not necessarily mean she’s future Mrs Steve.

There’s really little to advise beyond that you simply need to endure. It’s a bit like some type of physical diseases or injuries where you can manage the symptoms to some extent but you simply have to suffer through till it’s over.

Give your desire up to God. He has no reason not to give it back to you if that’s His will. If not, then you’re better off without anyway. Quite simple really if you look at it this way.

Keep it up and don’t get discouraged in your relationship with God just because the relationship with the girl isn’t working out.
 
A couple of thoughts. How old is this woman? A few years can make a difference in a young woman’s perspective on relationships. Realize you two are the Lone Ranger and Tonto when it comes making moral mistakes in dating. And, God does allow U-Turns.

You say she ended the relationship because of the unchaste nature of your relationship. Have you thought of apologizing for the past and indicate a willingness to live out a relationship in a different manner?

I’d suggest you stop obsessively fixating on this relationship or any for that matter. When you do, you surrender a mortgage on your life to someone else. Not saying the young lady is manipulative, but sounds like from an emotional standpoint, she holds all the cards.

Realize that God is not some kind of celestial slot machine where you pull the handle (prayers, devotions, etc) and out comes the jackpot. You cannot manipulate the Lord.
Stop living in the past and the future and concentrate on the present and being the best version of yourself you can be. After all, that’s the only thing you can present to any woman, the honest version of yourself. It is up to you to determine who that is. From your turning to the Lord for guidance and direction, you seem to have a good start.

There is an old saying; “14 year old girls look for boys who are cute, 40 year old women look for a man who is kind.” Look to Jesus the man we see in the gospels, a caring, highly assertive man who knows what he believes, where he is going, and the principles of character that will get him there. Strong, emotionally healthy women generally are attracted to that kind of man.

And be kind to yourself.

I’d say Steve, it’s time to Man Up. Pick you direction, build your character on the principles you have chosen today, and live with your God and everyone else in this present moment. Jesus did exhort use to live today and let go of the troubles of tomorrow (and the past). You really can’t live anywhere else.

Good luck

Shalom
 
She said something very telling about the relationship, “she does not find that she is called to one”.

For the spiritual, mental and emotional well-being of both you and her, move on. Explore other interests and continue to grow as a person.
 
Steve, you are in my prayers.

You have been given some very good advice here today.

This young woman who you still love, hand her over to God. Pray for her to be in God’s Perfect Will.

Ask for God’s Perfect Will for your Life.

May God Bless you for your desire for a holy relationship.

Many years ago before I met my husband, I had broken up with a young man that I thought I was going to marry one day. I handed him over to God’s care. My mother gave me a pamphlet with the Novena to St. Joseph written on it a few years later. My intentions were to find a Godly husband and a good career. Both were answered. I just wish I had gotten that pamphlet a few years earlier. 🙂 St. Joseph is a true friend and a perfect example of Husband, Father and Worker. A perfect gentleman. A great example.

Consider putting his holy card at your desk and in your wallet.
 
egretps said:
Steve, you are in my prayers.

You have been given some very good advice here today.

This young woman who you still love, hand her over to God. Pray for her to be in God’s Perfect Will.

Ask for God’s Perfect Will for your Life.

May God Bless you for your desire for a holy relationship.

Many years ago before I met my husband, I had broken up with a young man that I thought I was going to marry one day. I handed him over to God’s care. My mother gave me a pamphlet with the Novena to St. Joseph written on it a few years later. My intentions were to find a Godly husband and a good career. Both were answered. I just wish I had gotten that pamphlet a few years earlier. 🙂 St. Joseph is a true friend and a perfect example of Husband, Father and Worker. A perfect gentleman. A great example.

Consider putting his holy card at your desk and in your wallet.
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He really is.

I am currently praying the Novena and I feel a lot calmer (as in whatever happens, happens…it is up to God).

I recommend praying it for your situation!
 
Steve001 said:
but she and I were not living chastely. I wasn’t pursuing chastity because of previous hurts I held in my heart. However, Because it separated her from God and it consumed her with guilt, she ended the relationship
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It sounds like this young woman finally found a lot of strenght form the Lord. And one thing you can be sure of, if the guilt made her break up with you, chances are, she has a LOT of anger towards you for having cause her to sin in that manner

Cease all contact with her. It will actually be good for her too
 
Anglewannabe said:
It sounds like this young woman finally found a lot of strenght form the Lord. And one thing you can be sure of, if the guilt made her break up with you, chances are, she has a LOT of anger towards you for having cause her to sin in that manner

Cease all contact with her. It will actually be good for her too
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In that case, he dodged a crazy bullet. Healthy, well-adjusted adults don’t end consensual relationships and then harbor anger that someone “caused” them to make choices. (Also, it could very well have been her idea, you know). The attitude of blame probably doesn’t bode well for repentance, either.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
In that case, he dodged a crazy bullet. Healthy, well-adjusted adults don’t end consensual relationships and then harbor anger that someone “caused” them to make choices. (Also, it could very well have been her idea, you know). The attitude of blame probably doesn’t bode well for repentance, either.
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And if that is the case, then I agree he dodged a bullet
 
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