F
francesca_gen
Guest
OK, I know this is going to sound like I’m an overemotional teenage girl.
I WAS an overemotional teenage girl once, though, and I guess she is still here somewhere.
Anyway.
Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that it’s God’s will that I be alone. And unfortunately, the one thing I have always wanted more than anything, since puberty, was love. Being not very pretty and an introverted bookworm has not helped, though.
Men have tended to like me very much as a good friend, but it has been my experience that everyone I ever loved did not return the feeling, or did so only for a very short time. This includes the man to whom I was married for five years. (We divorced after he dumped me two days after my mother’s funeral; I eventually got an annulment.)
I’m definitely not called to religious life… not that anyone would take me anyway – I’m 40, in debt, and prone to depression, besides the obvious “no vocation” issue.
I won’t do anything rash (mortal sin, for one thing), but I do sometimes have a hard time coming up with reasons to slog along, alone, with no one to care for, no one to cook for, no one to sleep next to, no one to share the burdens and joys and adventures of life with. And now, not only am I a not-pretty introvert, I’m a middle-aged divorcee, too… not that alluring.
And yes, it’s becoming a vicious cycle. I’m so unhappy I am sure I exude unhappiness. Also not very alluring.
Any insights for resigning myself to this with better grace? Right now I am soldiering through yet one more rejection, and I’ve grown really weary. Whenever I pray the Sorrowful Mysteries, I think of this as my cross to carry… but I’m not doing a good job of doing it with anything approaching a joyful heart. And I do wonder what God’s purpose here could be. Or if it even IS God’s will… If it is, I’m sure He’s not appreciating my glum, grumpy attitude toward it.
Ideas?
(Yes, I’ve prayed to St. Anne – someone from my Cursillo gave me her holy card for just that reason – and to St. Jude. To no apparent avail!)
Francesca
I WAS an overemotional teenage girl once, though, and I guess she is still here somewhere.
Anyway.
Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that it’s God’s will that I be alone. And unfortunately, the one thing I have always wanted more than anything, since puberty, was love. Being not very pretty and an introverted bookworm has not helped, though.
Men have tended to like me very much as a good friend, but it has been my experience that everyone I ever loved did not return the feeling, or did so only for a very short time. This includes the man to whom I was married for five years. (We divorced after he dumped me two days after my mother’s funeral; I eventually got an annulment.)
I’m definitely not called to religious life… not that anyone would take me anyway – I’m 40, in debt, and prone to depression, besides the obvious “no vocation” issue.
I won’t do anything rash (mortal sin, for one thing), but I do sometimes have a hard time coming up with reasons to slog along, alone, with no one to care for, no one to cook for, no one to sleep next to, no one to share the burdens and joys and adventures of life with. And now, not only am I a not-pretty introvert, I’m a middle-aged divorcee, too… not that alluring.
And yes, it’s becoming a vicious cycle. I’m so unhappy I am sure I exude unhappiness. Also not very alluring.
Any insights for resigning myself to this with better grace? Right now I am soldiering through yet one more rejection, and I’ve grown really weary. Whenever I pray the Sorrowful Mysteries, I think of this as my cross to carry… but I’m not doing a good job of doing it with anything approaching a joyful heart. And I do wonder what God’s purpose here could be. Or if it even IS God’s will… If it is, I’m sure He’s not appreciating my glum, grumpy attitude toward it.
Ideas?
(Yes, I’ve prayed to St. Anne – someone from my Cursillo gave me her holy card for just that reason – and to St. Jude. To no apparent avail!)
Francesca
You have a lot of life left, and truthfully, I see a hidden writer inside of you. I used to write freelance, and your thoughts, and the way you post them, are really…poignant and really show your inner soul. I think you have a vocation as a writer somewhere in there, and if you unleash it…perhaps, maybe freelancing…or starting a column in a local paper, talking about the struggles of being single…you might be able to help others. In the grand scheme of life, I think we are somewhat called to connect our troubles to others with similiar troubles…especially to unite ourselves to Christ’s sufferings. I think that you could help many others through the journey you have been on…and in that, you may find a new self…one who isn’t sad to be alone, but one who embraces it and helps others to, as well. I am not sure what the future holds for you in the way of a potential suitor, but you know, losing yourself in helping others, might lead you to someone special. I will pray for you–but I just wanted to take a moment to compliment you on your writing style…and tell you that you have a lot to give…and a lot of life left to share these thoughts with others…to help them. Afterall, at the end of the day–we are called to use the talents God has blessed us with to help others…
Thanks! You know, sometimes I… well, not exactly *forget *this, but don’t feel aware of it. Thanks for the nudge.
But aren’t we all a bit like that. We always have answers for someone else’s difficulties but are less than objective when it comes to ourselves. People tell me I have a great personality and I’m fun to be with yet I have not one friend I can call up for a chat and a cup of coffee. I have a hard working husband, two lovely children of 6 and 4, want for nothing and people would say what on earth am I complaining about. I say the same thing to myself. I became Catholic 5 years ago and I thought I would make connections in the Catholic Church. I haven’t. I am a stay at home mum, my husband is very hard working but he comes home, I want to talk and he understandibly doesn’t. I can’t talk to him about my faith as he professes to be a heathen. I have been accepted into teacher training, hopefully to teach religious studies and he thinks I should stay at home and remain on benefits as it’s more secure. My mother-in-law thinks I am neglecting my children by going to University and I have no other family. I feel God called me to the Catholic faith for a reason and I feel there is no way I could through such a hard grind to get into teacher training without his help so he has a plan for me in this regard. But I doubt sometimes. I was raised JW and never made any real friends there and needless to say, anyone I was friendly with would not be friendly with me now. I’m 44 and I ask myself, is one friend to talk to, air my opinions to, discuss my faith with too much to ask? Why won’t God answer me? If I was honest, I’m partly to blame because when it comes to making friends I’m hard to please and have high expectations of them. I’m not anywhere near as bad as I used to be and I have made a lot of progress as I have a good therapist. I had a breakdown when I left the JW’s and was diagnosed schitzo-effective. I just feel so alone and find it hard to accept God should be enough as I crave human company and love going out, having a good laugh and talking lots. I love my kids and I’m so glad I had the opportunity to stay at home until they where at school but there’s only so much kiddy talk, kiddy games and kiddy tv programmes you can take! I find myself wanting to drag the postman through the letter box just to have an adult conversation! The worst bit is people feel sorry for me because they see me as someone who is very alone. This makes me angry and makes me feel I look pathetic which I’m not. Instead of feeling sorry for me why don’t they just make some room for other people in their self-absorbed, insuler lives? That’s the modern world I suppose. Someone told me recently how they where praying for me all the time and I felt like saying I would derive more benefit from people talking to me as opposed to God about me. I try very hard to accept it’s where I am in my life at the moment and things don’t stay the same forever. I would say I have lots of aquaintances but no real friends. However, good friendships take time to build and are hard to come by. In the meantime, it’s a lonely station.