Discerning God's will

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coolduude

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Hello all,

I am writing this in the wake of a recent break up that took quite a toll on me. In short, I loved my girlfriend immensely, and still do. However, we made it our goal to discern if we were compatible for marriage. Evidently she felt we weren’t, and thus she ended it.

At the same time, though, I don’t feel this is God’s will. Our relationship ended prematurely because of some personal problems of mine that went too far and pushed her over the edge, not to mention the fact that she didn’t see a future with me (this based on ‘signs’ she received. Baloney, I think). But I had been praying for many months, asking God to show me His will for us. I never heard anything negative. I am still praying to know and accept God’s will for us, and I still have yet to hear anything bad (that’s what is leading me to believe it is not His will).

I know someone will say: “His will is staring you in the face: the breakup is His will!!!” But like I said, I never heard anything bad from the Lord about this when we were dating and I still haven’t. I honestly don’t think it is His will. I felt a connection with this girl that will be hard to replace and we were in love (she just couldn’t take my problems, which is understandable. I’m getting them fixed now though).

It is my philosophy though, that love is completely a choice, and any relationship can work if both people put enough work into it. So, I still love her and I am trying to get her back. I know she put work into it. But by the end it was too much for her, and I understand that.

However, I will stop if God shows me His will more directly. I won’t accept this break up until I know, with no doubts, that this is what God wants. I want nothing more than to follow His will because I know I will be happy if I do. Problem is, I can’t discern it. 😦

So what are the best ways to discern His will for me regarding this girl? I pray every night to know and accept His will and I say Novenas as well. Going to Mass and Confession can’t hurt, eh? :o But what else can I do? What are some ideas?

Thanks,
coolduude

P.S. Please pray for me so I can know and accept God’s will in this matter. Thank you. :):o
 
Hi,

I just wanted to write and let you know that you are in my prayers.

Have you considered spiritual direction? I think it would be most beneficial here.

God bless.
 
Thank you for the prayers 🙂

I have not considered spiritual direction. I’m seeing a therapist, but that isn’t even close to having spiritual direction.

How does spiritual direction work? What are the details?
 
coolduude said:
However, I will stop if God shows me His will more directly. I won’t accept this break up until I know, with no doubts, that this is what God wants. I want nothing more than to follow His will because I know I will be happy if I do. Problem is, I can’t discern it. 😦

So what are the best ways to discern His will for me regarding this girl? I pray every night to know and accept His will and I say Novenas as well. Going to Mass and Confession can’t hurt, eh? :o But what else can I do? What are some ideas?
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I think you have to accept that your relationship is over at this point. If she doesn’t want to make it work, then I would seriously advise you not to force it.

If you are working through some issues, then yes, you should continue that. You have to give her some space though. She’ll make one of two decisions, to either give it another try or not to. Whatever her decision is, you have to respect that.
 
coolduude said:
Thank you for the prayers 🙂

I have not considered spiritual direction. I’m seeing a therapist, but that isn’t even close to having spiritual direction.

How does spiritual direction work? What are the details?
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coolduude,

You are welcome. I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Spiritual direction is not counseling, though at times it can be akin to it. Spiritual direction focuses how ones relationship is with God and how they are facing their life challenges. It’s end goal is to help deepen your relationship with God.

Basically you find someone to be your spiritual director. * priest.]] You basically meet once a month or more depending on what boundaries you set up. I see my SD/Confessor weekly, because I go to Confession at least once a week.

When you go in, you talk about your prayer life, what challenges you are facing, and how you are walking with God. Your SD - Spiritual director guides your or counsels you, it does not have to be followed. Though I have found out that I do not get burned when following the counsel of my SD/Confessor.

Ask your priest at your parish if he has any recommendations. IF that does not work, talk to the Vocations Office at the Diocesan Office.

God bless.*
 
SD sounds good, no doubt. But given my current situation, I don’t think it’s an option. My parents probably wouldn’t allow it (my dad said today that if “all parties consent” to polygamy, its ok to do it. Same thing with gay marriage. Oh boy… :() So SD is out of the question for now. But when I get more independent I will certainly look into it 🙂
 
Time heal all wounds. Try your best to move on with your life. Jesus is with you!
 
Please know that if your girlfriend came to the realization that she cannot be with you, that answer needs to be respected. If you are to enter into marriage, it is a three party arrangement for a Catholic - both you and your potential wife along with God must all be fully present for the marriage to work, and this young lady has told you she cannot be that wife to you. God does not generally come down and speak to us like a parent calling on the telephone - we have to listen to advice, the words of others, our experiences and feelings, and still we will often misunderstand His intentions. Just because God did not personally send you a clear message that the relationship is over, do not underestimate this young woman telling you as much.

You mention some personal problems several times - make it your business to work through those problems, work on yourself. Respect the young lady’s desire to be out of the relationship. You may get another chance later, you perhaps will not with her. But if you are healthy and well, you will be ready for whatever God intends for you, and that is all really any of us can do.

Breakups are terribly difficult and often feel wrong - but you cannot force a love relationship or comptability, so let her go.
 
formerlysure said:
Please know that if your girlfriend came to the realization that she cannot be with you, that answer needs to be respected. If you are to enter into marriage, it is a three party arrangement for a Catholic - both you and your potential wife along with God must all be fully present for the marriage to work, and this young lady has told you she cannot be that wife to you. God does not generally come down and speak to us like a parent calling on the telephone - we have to listen to advice, the words of others, our experiences and feelings, and still we will often misunderstand His intentions. Just because God did not personally send you a clear message that the relationship is over, do not underestimate this young woman telling you as much.

You mention some personal problems several times - make it your business to work through those problems, work on yourself. Respect the young lady’s desire to be out of the relationship. You may get another chance later, you perhaps will not with her. But if you are healthy and well, you will be ready for whatever God intends for you, and that is all really any of us can do.

Breakups are terribly difficult and often feel wrong - but you cannot force a love relationship or comptability, so let her go.
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This is good advice. I just don’t see God’s will in this and I am trying earnestly to. I know that if I follow His will I will be happy. That’s all I want.

But yes, I am respecting her decision. I’m giving her space and time and I’m not over-stepping my bounds. Hopefully God has willed it that we get back together and make a marriage out of it. Though if He hasn’t, I am willing to accept that. I just need to see it first :o
 
I don’t see God’s will in a lot of events in my life, either. I’m learning to accept that I’m not meant to always know His intentions but man, it’s a struggle. I’m begging him to make Himself clearer to me - give me some direction, some sense of what he wants me to do, but each day I wake up still unsure, still praying. I will never have God’s perspective, and without it, I cannot fully know his intentions.

I’ve struggled with this a lot but as a priest friend recently explained to me, God sees everything over a long, long period of time almost instantaneously, he experiences what is to us lifetimes and generations of time. It’s almost like looking too closely at a picture - we can see the individual pixels or groups of them but we cannot see the whole image, so it makes little sense. We do our best to figure it out, but we don’t have all the information, so we muddle it and often guess wrong. Some of us never get certain things right, but enough of us do to keep things going.

It’s just a horrible feeling when a relationship ends when you are still up to your neck in it and don’t want it to end - most people go through it at some point in life, and it does feel really wrong and painful. I’ve been through it too many times myself - so far all I’ve been able to figure out is that I wasn’t meant to understand it, just to move forward.

God bless you!
 
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