Discerning Having a Baby

[relstudent]

My wife and I have been married over a year and are practicing NFP. We both are in our Junior/Senior year of college and have been discussing children. We do not want to postpone children any longer than the situation requires, but being college students and very close to finishing, we do not feel we are called to have children at this time. Not to sound selfish, but my wife and I would love to have a child as soon as possible. My wife will be graduating in a year and a half, and around that time I will be entering graduate school. Looking into the future we see that the financial stability at that time may not be the best either.

From those of your who have discerned when to have a child: what advice would you give. We are currently open to the possibility, but are abstaining because of our financial situation. This would be our first child, and any advice would be appreciated.

 

[robert_chacon]

Wow! God bless you for your faithfulness! I truly believe you will blessed by your continued faithfulness to Gods teaching. I think it is wonderful that you are so open and desirous of children at your age. I certainly don’t want to lead you astray, but this is my feeling looking back at my life. As a divorced man who never had children, I regret ever holding off having a family and not being faithful to Humanae Vitae. As a couple we held off starting a family because we too were both still in graduate school and didn’t think it would be a good time. However we contracepted artificially. The beauty of Humanae Vitae is that God knows exactly when is the right time to have each and every child. We don’t have a clue! There is never a “right” time in our scheme of thinking. While I would suggest to couples that they not even marry until they are ready for children, you have already married and so need to be prudent about being able to take care of a family. So, while it may be financially or just logistically difficult to have a children, just continue to be as open to life as you have been and as soon as you can financially support children, begin your family. God bless you!!

 

[Z1Z2]

From those of your who have discerned when to have a child: what advice would you give.

Whenever you decide the time is right, remember that babies really need very little. While there is no denying they cost you money, they don’t need you to buy everything that is sold at Babies R Us. Also keep in mind that, at least for that first year or so, most of baby’s stuff can be found at garage sales and the like. The only thing that should be new (unless you know the source of a used one) is a car seat, and a better off relative could probably help with that expense.

 

[RedSoxWife]

We’re in our fifth year of graduate school at the moment (at least my husband is) and we have three little ones. Our first was born the month before he started his first graduate degree, the second was born a year before he finished his masters and the third was born a few months into his second year of law school.

Things are always tight… but we always manage to pay the bills. And honestly, while I am counting the days until he graduates, I wouldn’t change a thing. After several cross county moves for school (California to Florida then back to California for an internship and then to Michigan) we’ve learned that a lot of the things we thought we “needed” for baby #1 were definitely wants and that babies really don’t need all that much.

 

[aeroengr]

When my wife and I were trying to decide if the timing was right to have our first child, we, too, were concerned about the finances. My Mother-in-Law had some great advice for us. She said “If you wait to have a child until you feel like you have enough money, you’ll never have a child. God will not bless you with a child without also blessing you with the means to care for that child.”

While children certainly create an additional expense, I was amazed at how little we noticed that impact to our budget. You’re lifestyle will completely change (for the better I might add). Things you used to spend money on because you thought you had to have it suddenly aren’t so important any more. And previous posters are correct. Babies really need very little. What they need is love. Most everything else can be found at garage sales.

 

[MomaMary8]

When my wife and I were trying to decide if the timing was right to have our first child, we, too, were concerned about the finances. My Mother-in-Law had some great advice for us. She said “If you wait to have a child until you feel like you have enough money, you’ll never have a child. God will not bless you with a child without also blessing you with the means to care for that child.”

While children certainly create an additional expense, I was amazed at how little we noticed that impact to our budget. You’re lifestyle will completely change (for the better I might add). Things you used to spend money on because you thought you had to have it suddenly aren’t so important any more. And previous posters are correct. Babies really need very little. What they need is love. Most everything else can be found at garage sales.

I had my first child my senior year. the year before I started graduate school. I wouldn’t change a thing!

As you discern remember to look at things with an eye towards God, and avoid the secular world trap that sees children as an impediment to a happy, comfortable life. I’m not sure why you think it would sound selfish to have a baby now. (did I mis-read your post?) It would be very much the opposite. My son is most certainly happy to be alive, even if he was born with out the decorated nursery or memberships to gyms, etc. You don’t need 1/3 of the things people say you need to have a baby!

 

[relstudent]

I’m not sure why you think it would sound selfish to have a baby now. (did I mis-read your post?) It would be very much the opposite. !

You didn’t misread my post. I was pointing out that we have reservations we have about wanting to have a baby for the attention and other external things as opposed to being sure it is what we are called to do at this time.

 

[Xantippe]

A lot depends on the area you are going. In our low-cost area, I know quite a number of graduate students with families (up to 3 kids) and a surprising number of grad student/SAHM families. A number of them only started having kids in their 30s, though, so they’re mostly older than you. My husband and I married in grad school and had our first baby four years later, once my husband got his first real job. That worked, too.

With the perspective of having kids age 11 down to 9 months, I see that the baby is the least expensive member of the family, in terms of cash outlays. She gets on very well with some Cheerios and a banana. (If you had to pay for daycare, that would be different, of course.) The big kids are much more expensive–school tuition, summer camps, school uniforms, more groceries, bedrooms, gifts for birthday parties they get invited to, gifts for teachers, shoes, etc. A lot of that is optional, but in our case, it’s what we want to do for our children. It’s also predictable that the transition from one to two closely-spaced children will put a lot of strain on your marriage, particularly if you don’t have the resources (either financial or family) to get extra help.

Graduate school also varies a lot in how hard it is. I know that people do seem to manage to combine kids and medical school, as crazy as that sounds. It might make sense to wait until you’re a year or so into the program to see how well you’re doing.

Play it by ear and don’t rush into anything. Also, be saving money every month if you have any income at all. I would strongly suggest doing Dave Ramsey’s 9-week Financial Peace University course as part of your discernment process. If you are good at home cooking, that’s a very important life skill to keep working at, as it will save you literally tens of thousands of dollars in the years to come.

 

[relstudent]

A lot depends on the area you are going. In our low-cost area, I know quite a number of graduate students with families (up to 3 kids) and a surprising number of grad student/SAHM families. A number of them only started having kids in their 30s, though, so they’re mostly older than you. My husband and I married in grad school and had our first baby four years later, once my husband got his first real job. That worked, too.

With the perspective of having kids age 11 down to 9 months, I see that the baby is the least expensive member of the family, in terms of cash outlays. She gets on very well with some Cheerios and a banana. (If you had to pay for daycare, that would be different, of course.) The big kids are much more expensive–school tuition, summer camps, school uniforms, more groceries, bedrooms, gifts for birthday parties they get invited to, gifts for teachers, shoes, etc. A lot of that is optional, but in our case, it’s what we want to do for our children. It’s also predictable that the transition from one to two closely-spaced children will put a lot of strain on your marriage, particularly if you don’t have the resources (either financial or family) to get extra help.

Graduate school also varies a lot in how hard it is. I know that people do seem to manage to combine kids and medical school, as crazy as that sounds. It might make sense to wait until you’re a year or so into the program to see how well you’re doing.

Play it by ear and don’t rush into anything. Also, be saving money every month if you have any income at all. I would strongly suggest doing Dave Ramsey’s 9-week Financial Peace University course as part of your discernment process. If you are good at home cooking, that’s a very important life skill to keep working at, as it will save you literally tens of thousands of dollars in the years to come.

We both have Jobs now. My wife works at a daycare, and I work at a grocery store. Currently she is going to school in Eau Claire while I am studying in Minneapolis. The commute is one big concern of ours as well. I do not want to have her commute and miss large portions of her first pregnancy. She is going to graduate with a degree in special education and early childhood ed. I want to study Theology/Religious studies at the graduate level. I wish to go to Notre Dame or CUA. ND’s cost of living is much lower and they guarantee a full scholarship. CUA however would have much higher living costs. I dont think we should decide until we know for sure where I can go.

 

[tafan]

We both have Jobs now. My wife works at a daycare, and I work at a grocery store. Currently she is going to school in Eau Claire while I am studying in Minneapolis. The commute is one big concern of ours as well. I do not want to have her commute and miss large portions of her first pregnancy. She is going to graduate with a degree in special education and early childhood ed. I want to study Theology/Religious studies at the graduate level. I wish to go to Notre Dame or CUA. ND’s cost of living is much lower and they guarantee a full scholarship. CUA however would have much higher living costs. I dont think we should decide until we know for sure where I can go.

A baby is not very expensive (assuming one has decent health care insurance for the pregnancy, delivery, and pediatric checkups). For a lot of people, their living expenses go down, as they go out to movies and dinner far less and that savings offsets the weekly box of diapers cost (almost literally the only major new expense with a new born from my experience).

Now, you and your wife, being struggling students probably don’t go out to eat or to the movies that often, so it might be a little more difficult for you. Off the top of my head, I would say those diapers will run you around $1000/year.

After that, the costs don’t mount up until the age of 5 or 6. So don’t look at it now, look at how things will be 5 or 6 years down the road. You guys are choosing studies that will produce relatively low-earning careers. That’s not bad, but don’t think things are going to be better at some future time.

So while I have no specific advice, those are the way I would look at it. Along with the words of Blessed John Paul II “Be not afraid”.

Oh, add to that: “be not lazy”.

 

[relstudent]

A baby is not very expensive (assuming one has decent health care insurance for the pregnancy, delivery, and pediatric checkups). For a lot of people, their living expenses go down, as they go out to movies and dinner far less and that savings offsets the weekly box of diapers cost (almost literally the only major new expense with a new born from my experience).

Now, you and your wife, being struggling students probably don’t go out to eat or to the movies that often, so it might be a little more difficult for you. Off the top of my head, I would say those diapers will run you around $1000/year.

After that, the costs don’t mount up until the age of 5 or 6. So don’t look at it now, look at how things will be 5 or 6 years down the road. You guys are choosing studies that will produce relatively low-earning careers. That’s not bad, but don’t think things are going to be better at some future time.

So while I have no specific advice, those are the way I would look at it. Along with the words of Blessed John Paul II “Be not afraid”.

Oh, add to that: “be not lazy”.

Working at a daycare, my wife has had good experiences with reusable/cloth diapers. Do you know if those would help with the overall cost?

 

[tafan]

Working at a daycare, my wife has had good experiences with reusable/cloth diapers. Do you know if those would help with the overall cost?

Of course, they could probably eliminate it. Its just that we never wanted the hassle.

BTW, I am curious if others agree with my assessment: that the only significant cost in a new baby are the diapers. I stated one caveat: health care. I missed the other (obvious ) one: not requiring day care. Day care, of course, makes a new baby very expensive. And for many people on a two income household, day care (or the mother quitting work) becomes a necessity. So please excuse me if I am making things overly simplistic for 90% of the newly weds out there.

 

[Kelfa28]

Working at a daycare, my wife has had good experiences with reusable/cloth diapers. Do you know if those would help with the overall cost?

I cloth diaper…I have saved an unimaginable amount of money doing so.

We saw virtually no expense difference between nursing my daughter for the first 6 months and cloth diapering.

I use disposables on her for the overnights. One per night. We spend about $10 on diapers per month.

 

[Mangaartist]

I’m going into my senior year of college, with baby due in January (my school has the whole of January off, so we thought this would be decent timing). We were originally going to wait until I graduated, but the pull on our hearts was too strong, especially for me it was almost physically painful to be avoiding having a child when the only impediment was our pre-conceived notion that it’s not smart to have a baby in college. So far, I think it was an awesome decision to have made, and it turns out the summer was as great time for me to go through my first trimester, since I had bad morning sickness. I also managed to arrange my class schedule such that I will only be taking three classes in the spring, and only one of those will require actually showing up to campus (for 3h/week).

 

[embear]

This thread is just what I needed! Im getting married this weekend (finally!) and kids are a consideration. My husband to be wants to hold off on them for a while (he’s toying with the idea of going back to school) but its good to hear a lot of people seem to somehow make kids work during grad school! My question is how? He makes a decent amount of money now but I don’t know how we’d survive without that income, especially if I were to quit my job to care for the baby. Do you guys get help from family? Work from home? Live off savings?

 

[tafan]

This thread is just what I needed! Im getting married this weekend (finally!) and kids are a consideration. My husband to be wants to hold off on them for a while (he’s toying with the idea of going back to school) but its good to hear a lot of people seem to somehow make kids work during grad school! My question is how? He makes a decent amount of money now but I don’t know how we’d survive without that income, especially if I were to quit my job to care for the baby. Do you guys get help from family? Work from home? Live off savings?

You are in a different situation than the OP. It sounds like your husband is currently able to support a family. And after this weekend, that is his responsibility. He can do what I did, go to graduation school part time while he continues to support his family with a good job. You may not see him a lot, but if graduate school is important, that’s life.

Holding off having kids so the dad can go back to school? I am not saying it is morally wrong, I am saying it sounds very unwise.

 

[relstudent]

Is it important to wait until we would both finish our undergrad before the baby would be born?

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

When my wife and I were trying to decide if the timing was right to have our first child, we, too, were concerned about the finances. My Mother-in-Law had some great advice for us. She said “If you wait to have a child until you feel like you have enough money, you’ll never have a child. God will not bless you with a child without also blessing you with the means to care for that child.”

While children certainly create an additional expense, I was amazed at how little we noticed that impact to our budget. You’re lifestyle will completely change (for the better I might add). Things you used to spend money on because you thought you had to have it suddenly aren’t so important any more. And previous posters are correct. Babies really need very little. What they need is love. Most everything else can be found at garage sales.

I had my first child my senior year. the year before I started graduate school. I wouldn’t change a thing!

As you discern remember to look at things with an eye towards God, and avoid the secular world trap that sees children as an impediment to a happy, comfortable life. I’m not sure why you think it would sound selfish to have a baby now. (did I mis-read your post?) It would be very much the opposite. My son is most certainly happy to be alive, even if he was born with out the decorated nursery or memberships to gyms, etc. You don’t need 1/3 of the things people say you need to have a baby!

We weren’t in school, but dh had just lost his job when we found out we were pregnant with our first (at our 1 month anniversary). God did take care of us and he had a job by the time she was born. I always feel that money can come and go, but the gifts of fertility and time just go. It is healthy and good for a married couple to want to have a baby, not selfish at all! In fact, it is the default for marriage… unless a couple has prayerfully discerned they have reasons to avoid, they should always be open to receiving a beautiful blessing, and wanting that blessing is not a selfish thing!

 

[MomaMary8]

Is it important to wait until we would both finish our undergrad before the baby would be born?

No. My husband & I were both undergrads. I went on to grad school as he finished his degree. Once he was done, we moved to where his first job landed him and I finished my grad. work independently.

As for the expense of a baby; food, diapers, car seats and crib are the main expenses. Cloth cuts one expense and breast feeding reduces the food costs for at least 6 months. Sometimes nursing does not work out, so don’t automatically assume you won’t have an expense there. But really, babies are inexpensive, it’s all the “things” people say you need that get expensive.

As for wondering if you are having a baby for attention, I wouldn’t think so. You’re married, so a baby is a natural expectation (if one is so blessed.) I don’t think it should ever be considered for attention seeking. (sorry, this idea is still a bit perplexing to me )

 

[relstudent]

As for wondering if you are having a baby for attention, I wouldn’t think so. You’re married, so a baby is a natural expectation (if one is so blessed.) I don’t think it should ever be considered for attention seeking. (sorry, this idea is still a bit perplexing to me )

Its more of my wife’s concern. She had a friend who became pregnant out of wedlock and feels somewhat jealous. She doesnt want to feel like “Well I deserve a baby more than she does” or have her jealously make her want a baby to “get back at her”

She also is shy and part of her feels guilty about being the center of attention.