Discerning if Catholic relationship is compatible

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jaklande

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I have a difficult one:

I have been in a once romantic, and since then eternal “friendship” relationship. We are both ardent Catholics and love God very much. We also love each other very much. We have known each other for four years…The problem is this:

We both tend to think that we have different love languages, and as a result may not be compatible for one another. For example, he would like to establish a strong friendship that gradually progresses to courtship. I agree, however, along the way, I believe there should be increasing degrees of commitment. He believes in eros in the sense of two lovers looking out together and so becoming one, whereas I mostly gravitate towards the image of two lovers looking inward at one another and so becoming one. We both seem to have given up on trying to make this relationship work and, in a sense, are coming to terms with the fact that perhaps we are not meant for each other.

But this decision is tearing me apart, because I really do believe that we are still meant for one another. There are just too many other confirmations along the way…

Any thoughts?
 
You two are micromanaging to an nth degree, but if something like the ‘type’ of love you have is causing so much problems then you are going to find that bigger and more important issues will tear you apart. Pray about this and do God’s Will. Perhaps if you let him go he will realize how much he misses you, then again, perhaps you will realize that it isn’t meant to be.
 
I can’t even follow what you’re saying, and I’ve been accused of being too introspective more times than I can count.

Follow some good sound guidelines for discernment, then submit your plan to God, asking for confirmation if what you’ve decided be in conformity with His will. Then be obedient to the answer you get.
 
jaklande said:
I have a difficult one:

I have been in a once romantic, and since then eternal “friendship” relationship. We are both ardent Catholics and love God very much. We also love each other very much. We have known each other for four years…The problem is this:

We both tend to think that we have different love languages, and as a result may not be compatible for one another. For example, he would like to establish a strong friendship that gradually progresses to courtship. I agree, however, along the way, I believe there should be increasing degrees of commitment. **He believes in eros in the sense of two lovers looking out together and so becoming one, whereas I mostly gravitate towards the image of two lovers looking inward at one another and so becoming one. **We both seem to have given up on trying to make this relationship work and, in a sense, are coming to terms with the fact that perhaps we are not meant for each other.

But this decision is tearing me apart, because I really do believe that we are still meant for one another. There are just too many other confirmations along the way…

Any thoughts?
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I hope you can expound on that a bit more because on first reading I thought you both were splitting based on some theological understanding of what love is.
 
Just love and be loved, two good people, two committed Catholics together.

Communication is important, mutual understanding is important, but to imagine we must all be the same, think the same just isn’t possible. It is also scientifically the case that men and women don’t think with exactly the same processes. If your man would stop a bullet for you and you for him. If he will stick by you and you him in love and forgiveness and faithfulness…what more can any person ask?

I can only pray that you will be grateful for a wonderful and wise man who loves you without dissecting your love to death. That you make such a distinction about what is a common basic goal and compatability, it’s scary.That kind of semantics isn’t going to be a lot of help when you’re dealing with children and financial issues, and you really need to come to a place of peace and trust in the gifts God gives, or no relationship will ever work for you. I wonder if you should seek wise counselling. I agree with Pamtha, you’re micromanaging the relationship.

I hope and pray that you can have a more trustful attitude to the gift of a relationship that many would give their eye-teeth for and are able to salvage it.

In any case, dear Jaklande I hope you will find happiness and peace and rejoice in God’s wil and God’s gifts for your life, Trishie.
 
This is my take on it. Men and women come into a relationship with two different views, but hopefully one goal…to get each other to heaven. This is explained well in Pope JP II’s Theology of the Body. It doesn’t make any one view more important as long as the goal is the same. When we love someone, we do everything to get that person to heaven.

If that is your ultimate intention…God bless you.
Perhaps, you can see what I mean in this link to Fr.Corapi’s take on Marriage which is how God intended.
fathercorapi.com/articledet.aspx?articleID=1896068715
 
1ke said:
Huh?
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Seconded. It reads like a stereo manual.

A “meant to be” aspect to the one we marry is generally mysterious and inscrutable. What we do know is that love is ultimately an act of the will. Frankly, all this high-minded talk sounds like a cover for plain ol’ dragging the feet. Pray, discern whether you are called to the married life or otherwise, and throw the copy of Annie Hall in the trash can.
 
Scottgun said:
Seconded. It reads like a stereo manual.

A “meant to be” aspect to the one we marry is generally mysterious and inscrutable. What we do know is that love is ultimately an act of the will. Frankly, all this high-minded talk sounds like a cover for plain ol’ dragging the feet. Pray, discern whether you are called to the married life or otherwise, and throw the copy of Annie Hall in the trash can.
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👍

After 4 years you should know: do we want to get married and have children/will we be able to live together without ripping eachothers heads off.

Don’t overanalyse things! When I met my husband it went something like this:
Both Catholic, tick
Both like kids, tick
Both love God, tick
Agree on main things, tick
Get on with family, tick
OK, let’s get married!

And now, 9 years after I met him and 8 years after we married…we’re STILL getting to know eachother, better, deeper, every day…it’s a life-long process! And even now I don’t over-analyse it: we love eachother, we love the kids, we’re happy…that’s ALL that matters!
 
jaklande said:
I But this decision is tearing me apart, because I really do believe that we are still meant for one another. There are just too many other confirmations along the way…

Any thoughts?
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I think you are way over-thinking this.
assuming you are both free to pursue a friendship that may develop into a romantic relationship, why not just let the relationship grow naturally with deepening intimacy through shared interests, communication and activity (not of course through sexual contact) and take it as it comes?

Since you specifically ask for my thoughts, they are that you both let go of preconceived and limiting ideas of what constitutes “real love” and let love itself teach you the nature of love. When you have shared many, many years of joy, pain, sorrow, suffering, excitement, boredom, sacrifice and contentment, you may begin to gain an inkling of the nature of true love. 1 Cor 13 is of course the best primer on love.
 
Ask yourself these:
  1. Is he a good Catholic?
  2. Do you love him?
  3. Do you want to have sex with him?
  4. Will he make a good father and provider?
If you answered yes to all of these, stop thinking, move the relationship along, and eventually get married.
 
I think you need to stop looking inwards, and take a step back. Scrutiny is always a deal breaker, because if you nit-pick at anything, there will come a point when it doesn’t add up for you.

Instead, you need to fall back on Truth, and realise that marriage is something far greater and more beautiful than the difference between eros and agape. Besides, the relationship between eros and agape are complimentary: both are needed for the fullness of love, especially in the marital sense, to manifest.

Eros is inward, and agape is outward, yes, but, IIRC, it was in Benedict XVI’s Deus Caritas Est that utilises this relationship as being complimentary, and that should you focus on one, you start leaning more toward the other, and if you focus on that new one, you come back full circle. Think yin-yang pattern here.

If anything, your relationship is a match made in heaven. You both love each other, for who you both are, and are willing to be married for the right reasons. Make that commitment to each other, and when it comes to those differing types of love, teach each other them, and form a union that will join those two apparently different loves, into a greater Truth that only you two can discover together. Eros and agape, are awesome. Needless to say, one is more for the bedroom, and the other is more for deciding what house to buy ;). I’m not married, but I’m pretty sure both of these are important. How else will you get children, if not being able to express your love, and being able to have a roof over your child’s head?

See it as an oppertunity to be closer together, rather than let it drive you apart. Love is love, and love is God. Be together, if God wills it, and along the way, I think you’ll be able to see the benefits of both of your views, and come, not to a compromise, but a union. My, I wonder what will be discovered!

Hope that helps.
 
Have you ever read C. S. Lewis’ The Four Loves? I don’t know that it would directly address your situation but I just thought of it when I read your sentence about eros.

Other than that…from what you wrote above it sounds like your friend/boyfriend wants to focus more on just being together and let a deeper relationship happen if it will. You seem more to want to be checking up on the relationship, seeing how it is doing, establishing where you two are in the whole friends-to-courtship spectrum. Maybe I’m misinterpreting that, though, because I tend to be overanalytical in relationships. 🙂 Without knowing you I can’t say for sure but it seems like you two could be compatible–maybe you just need to find a balance between your two views of the matter.
 
You say at first that you have different love languages and that therefore you are not compatible (and then you go on to say something way over my head).

Firstly, you don’t have to have the same love language in order to be compatible. Love is about showing someone you love them in THEIR love language. Not expecting them to be the exact same as you.

And like others have said, you’re being way too detailed about this whole thing. Love is not as complicated as you’re making it. What you’re saying seems to be all semantics, when really the basis of love is much simpler.
 
You must live a relationship, not enact an ideal relationship. It’s the same as talking: you just talk, you don’t enact syntax and grammar.
 
anna1978 said:
👍
And now, 9 years after I met him and 8 years after we married…we’re STILL getting to know eachother, better, deeper, every day…it’s a life-long process! And even now I don’t over-analyse it: we love eachother, we love the kids, we’re happy…that’s ALL that matters!
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I agree with this…and after 21 years of marriage for me. 😉

Kathy
 
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