Discerning marriage: is there a method?

[Blue_Rose]

It’s hard for me to tell if I’m called to marriage or not, since I’ve never dated and am a new convert to the faith, but I hear about for those discerning religious life they feel peace and desire about their calling… Is there something similar for those called to marriage?

And for the married people out there - did you feel instant attraction to your partner? How long before you knew they were the one? Did you have doubts?

 

[Xantippe]

Blue Rose said:

“Is there something similar for those called to marriage?”

Yes, I think so.

“And for the married people out there - did you feel instant attraction to your partner? How long before you knew they were the one? Did you have doubts?”

Not everybody is like this, but I did fall very fast and I had very few doubts (initially over whether he wasn’t too good to be true).

He’s not perfect, but neither am I.

I wouldn’t recommend to others getting engaged and married as fast as we did, but it has worked for us.

 

[DL82]

Is there a method? For my wife and I it worked something like this:

She always felt called to marriage, but had lots of people suggest to her that, because she was a faithful single woman in the Church, she should explore a vocation to the religious life. She spent about 6 weeks in a convent feeling miserable, before realising it wasn’t for her.

I always felt called to marriage, but had lots of people suggest to me that, because I was a young man who went to daily Mass, I should explore a vocation to the priesthood. I spent about 3 months with the Salesian Fathers, barely making it a week without going to confession because I couldn’t cope. A friar of the Franciscans of the Immaculate gave me a short book on vocations - it was the hellfire and brimstone hard-sell on the religious life - it had me gripped, I read it from cover to cover. Then I put it down and thought ‘that’s a great book, I want my sons to read it when they’re in their teens’.

Then we both came to CAF, posted in a forum moaning about being in our late 20s, single, and feeling left out in the Church.

Then we talked a bit.

Then I realised we were an 8-hour flight apart.

Then I flew out to see her (we were long distance for about a year), on the last visit, I flew out for a long time, spent a month living in a motel room so I could really get to know her… then I popped the question.

3 years and 3 trans-Atlantic moves later, we are happily married with a baby on the way!

Not sure what this is saying, except trust your instincts, and no, there isn’t a method. Let yourself be surprised.

 

[MJJean]

I knew I wanted to date, have sex, and maybe have children by the time I hit puberty. (I was raised liberal Protestant, so pre-marital sex wasn’t an issue back then) Really, for me, becoming a nun wasn’t on the menu. So, my experience is different from yours as you are presumably a younger convert.

I knew my husband was “the one” instinctively the minute we met. Which was strange to me as I didn’t believe in love at first sight or lifelong romantic relationships until then. I did question it and take the time to get to know him before fully accepting the instinctive conviction he was it for me.

He asked me to marry him within 3 months of knowing each other. We’ve been married for 11 years, together for 14.I did have some doubts about getting married, but not about him. My doubts were nerves based, not based on any incompatibility or red flag. Which is why I went ahead and married him .

This is one of those your mileage may vary things. It’s different for everyone.

 

[Cricket2]

Of course one test is the simple fact that you meet someone in the first place.

A good friend of mine told me that her husband was her “best friend.” It was not so much that she fell in love instantly, or had some sort of “wow moment” when she met him. They became very close friends and over time realized they were in love.

I think each case is unique, and if you meet someone and get engaged there is always “marriage preparation” which in the USA is typically 6 months and in Canada a year. During this time couples meet with their pastor and a married couple to discuss all issues pertaining to marriage. I have heard of couples discovering important differences that led to them realizing that they should not marry.

In the mean time, you could visit some convents and see if anything hits you as a possible life time alternative. There is no problem with checking on a few to see if you may have a vocation. If you discover a community that has a mission and spirit that appeals to you, this could be the place for you.

Don’t be in a great hurry to figure it out, but if you check on all possibilities you will have a better chance of finding your vocation, be it marriage or religious life.

 

[Xantippe]

DL82 said:

“Then I put it down and thought ‘that’s a great book, I want my sons to read it when they’re in their teens’.”

Funny!

 

[His_helpmeet]

As a child and a young woman, I felt a strong calling to become a religious. Then when I was 16, my grandfather was diagnosed with and died of terminal cancer. My father was diagnosed with cancer less than 3 months after my grandfather’s death, though his was not terminal and he is still alive today. That was really a turning point for me. My grandfather was cared for by a home care nurse and home care staff as he died at home, which was his wish. Observing the care that was provided to him, I started to think, “I could do that for someone else”. Consequently God called me to go to nursing school. At this time, I started thinking about the possibility of having a husband and children, though it seemed as thought that wasn’t going to happen as I hadn’t met anybody. I started to feel that maybe I was called to single life. It wouldn’t be perfect, but I could deal - I adopted a cat after moving to my first job, and she was an excellent companion.

Then, four and a half years ago, I got an email on an online dating service where I had posted a profile. It was from a man who wanted to know more about me. We started corresponding. After 4 months we met in person for the first time. Within about 2-3 months, we began to realize that we were being called to marriage. I don’t know which of us started talking about it first; it just sort of happened. We felt very comfortable with each other. He had a 5-year-old daughter from his first marriage (declared invalid; we are sacramentally married) and she and I hit it off right away. We married and will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary at the end of May.

The best advice I can give is to pray. What do you think will make you happy? When I was a child, I told God that He was in charge of my future. What I believe is that God has a plan for each one of us. Whether or not we choose to follow that plan is up to us - but if we do, it is the surest and most direct route to reaching heaven. By following God’s will, I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, a beautiful 9-year-old stepdaughter, and a job I LOVE. (I teach nursing now and really enjoy my work.) The other important piece is to have faith. I almost began to despair of ever finding a spouse. Then I realized that my husband was worth waiting for. If I had settled, I don’t think I would be as happy as I am now, with him. We truly believe that God custom-designed our personalities and character traits to match each other - we have enough in common to get along, but enough that’s different to keep things interesting.

 

[DL82]

DL82 said:

“Then I put it down and thought ‘that’s a great book, I want my sons to read it when they’re in their teens’.”

Funny!

Yes, but also true, and an important turning point in discernment for me.