Discerning marriage with this girl

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Hunbleandlost16

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I have been with her officially for two months, kind of in officially for longer. We have made it very clear that we are not just casually dating we are discerning marriage. We are both devout we go to mass a few times a week and go to the chapel together atleast once a week, she’s going through rcia too! A few things I just want to discuss.
  1. I think in my heart I already know that she could be the one she’s great and I know that this might be jumping the gun which is why I have difficulty grasping it, don’t worry I would wait atleast a year before acting on it (proposing)
  2. I would like practical tips on keeping Christ at the center ofvthevrelationship please! Also tips on communication!
  3. How do I make sure she’s as devout as she seems to be??
  4. Post your love stories! I love hearing real world situations , when did you know they were the one and men when did you propose!?
 
“3. How do I make sure she’s as devout as she seems to be??”

Just listen to her and watch her decision-making process. If you spend enough time with her, it should be clear.
 
Communication is a good one! A lot of us can tell people compliments, but it’s more difficult talking about problems or disagreements.

A lot of times, couples in marriage will tend to have an entire list of things they would like to change in themselves. What probably is more practical, where possible, is to try to bring these issues up, more gradually, one at a time.

Further, it’s often advisable, in a marriage, when it’s necessary to bring up areas to change, to try to remember to compliment the other good areas. One marriage counselor once suggested having a 5:1 ratio…5 compliments:1 complaint, say.

Some couples when married may only talk only 5 min. a day, may not do things together, eat together. Hence, as a result, many problems with miscommunications, misunderstandings and more.

Before marriage, the Church has precana, marriage preparation. I’d actually recommend people start reading about all that when dating, because it gives information which is helpful on selecting a marriage partner and how to start off “on the right foot” in the relationship.

I once went to a church I was attending, asked about their precana program. The secretary gave me 2 booklets on marriage designed for people considering it. I asked, “How much?”, and she said, “nothing”! So, why not go to your church and start asking around about materials on marriage, to start reading them.

Ideally, “starting off on the right foot” is actually with dating.

Now, in precana, you are to communicate your expectations you both have of each other. Also, you might decide practical things like…who will manage the finances? Will we have one joint bank account or two separate ones? Who will work, one or both?

How will we divide up the workload? What are your feelings about having children? Does she want children? how many?

If you get married, where would you live? How would you handle holiday visits? (i.e. alternate visits between hers and yours?

Do you have a savings? Will there be a big wedding, honeymoon?

Will you have health insurance? Will you have a savings plan? Will you rent/buy? Who will tend to the maintenance? Will you do the work or hire someone with maintenance? etc.

I think those kinds of issues are addressed in precana, if I’m not mistaken.

Yes, communication is VERY important.
 
I am working on many of these same issues. In my humble opinion, two months seems too short a time to discerning marriage…

However, if you both have been dating in a healthy manner prior to this, then you may have enough perspective to know if you are ready for marriage.

What is her faith background? For that matter what is yours?

If she were unreligious before meeting you, it will take longer to discern her devotion. If were a member of a protestant denomination, how vigorous was her adherence; how easily did she decide to enter RCIA? If she were a devout Protestant, crossing the Tiber might seem daunting or dangerous; if she were indifferent, she may be willing to join just to please you. Like Xantippe said, it is about getting to know her more fully. Does she go to mass while you are out of town (an especially good sign, especially because as non-Catholic, she is not obligated!).

I am currently seeing a Jewish woman a few years younger than me. She has expressed an interest in coming to mass, or at least visiting with me. While I would be very happy if she converted, I want her only to convert because she is feeling the Holy Spirit tugging on her soul… I would want to see her enthusiastically embracing the Son of the God she already knows a Jew!

Ultimately, it is about trust. Trust is only built by having honest conversations. I have only had these conversations after messy break ups trying to figure out what went wrong. These conversations were beautifully and brutally honest, because we were no longer afraid of displeasing each other (things already went horribly wrong!).

Having these conversations while we still like each other is more difficult. You’ll have to agree that the two of you will be able to end things in an amicable manner (even if heartbroken) if something deal breaking comes up. If you accept that there is some risk of breaking up, but accept that breaking up not a sign of horrible failure, then you will feel freer to express your true feelings and opinions.
 
runningdude said:
I am working on many of these same issues. In my humble opinion, two months seems too short a time to discerning marriage…

However, if you both have been dating in a healthy manner prior to this, then you may have enough perspective to know if you are ready for marriage.

What is her faith background? For that matter what is yours?

If she were unreligious before meeting you, it will take longer to discern her devotion. If were a member of a protestant denomination, how vigorous was her adherence; how easily did she decide to enter RCIA? If she were a devout Protestant, crossing the Tiber might seem daunting or dangerous; if she were indifferent, she may be willing to join just to please you. Like Xantippe said, it is about getting to know her more fully. Does she go to mass while you are out of town (an especially good sign, especially because as non-Catholic, she is not obligated!).

I am currently seeing a Jewish woman a few years younger than me. She has expressed an interest in coming to mass, or at least visiting with me. While I would be very happy if she converted, I want her only to convert because she is feeling the Holy Spirit tugging on her soul… I would want to see her enthusiastically embracing the Son of the God she already knows a Jew!

Ultimately, it is about trust. Trust is only built by having honest conversations. I have only had these conversations after messy break ups trying to figure out what went wrong. These conversations were beautifully and brutally honest, because we were no longer afraid of displeasing each other (things already went horribly wrong!).

Having these conversations while we still like each other is more difficult. You’ll have to agree that the two of you will be able to end things in an amicable manner (even if heartbroken) if something deal breaking comes up. If you accept that there is some risk of breaking up, but accept that breaking up not a sign of horrible failure, then you will feel freer to express your true feelings and opinions.
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Actually I wasn’t the one that introduced her to Catholicism, and no no no I’m not saying I know we’re ready for marriage it’s just a feeling and I would wait atleast a year to determine if it’s authentic
 
I agree with waiting for a year. At this point, you’ve usually seen the person at their best and at their worst, and you know about any “skeletons in the closet”. (I heard a speaker once who said you can hide a marriage, you can hide a second family, you can hide a drug problem…for up to a year, but by the end of a year it’s pretty hard to hide those kinds of things anymore.) However, it’s possible to know before then.

My husband and I met online in October 2009. He had been separated from his ex for more than a year (she left him) and they were in the process of getting a divorce. He intended to seek a declaration of nullity after receiving the divorce. We met in person in February 2010 - on the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. (Which is interesting because Our Lady has played a vital role in our relationship - civilly married in May, sacramentally married at Our Lady of Good Counsel Church, DH’s birthday is July 26 - feast of Sts. Joachim and Anne, parents of Our Lady, etc.) We met for Mass and went to lunch afterwards 🙂 He introduced me to his daughter about a month later. Within about 2-3 months we knew we wanted to get married. We waited to get engaged until August when the divorce was essentially finalized, and were married the following May - May 28, 2011. (By this time he had already proceeded with the application for a declaration of nullity, and based on statements his ex had made - to him and others - and the nature of their wedding, we were confident that it would go through.) The amazing thing is that we seem to be practically the male and female versions of each other. We think similarly and have similar interests, although not everything is identical. He, for example, likes history, geography, and building models. I like medicine, anatomy and physiology, and sewing. But we both enjoy police procedure dramas and true crime. We believe that when God created us, His divine will was that we should end up being married to each other, although He left it up to us as to whether we would agree to do His will. We have a very happy marriage, and my stepdaughter and I are very close (she was 5 when we met; she turned 9 two months ago).

The funny thing is, for 3 generations now, women in my family have had their marriages almost “foretold” by family members. When my grandmother was young, my great-grandparents invited the parish priest over for brunch after Mass. The priest had a young man whom he drove to Mass, and this young man was invited for brunch, too. After the priest and the young man had left, my great-grandmother turned to my grandmother and said, “Oh, Helen, he [the young man] would make such a nice husband for you.” That young man was my grandfather, and he did make my grandmother a good husband - for almost 45 years before his death. Years later, when my mom brought a young man home to meet her family, my uncle said to the man, “Are you going to marry my sister?” My mom was absolutely mortified, but the young man replied, “Maybe”. A couple of years later, that same brother was the ring bearer when the young man, my father, DID marry my mother - and they’ve been married for over 30 years. The first time I met my stepdaughter, she said something to my husband about me being her stepmom, and he promptly took her aside and said, “Now, Elizabeth, she’s not your stepmom, she’s my lady friend”. Turns out Elizabeth was right! I figure if Elizabeth brings home a young man in about 15 or so years’ time, and we have a child who says something about them getting married, we might as well turn to her friend and say, “Welcome to the family, son” 🙂
 
Hunbleandlost16 said:
I have been with her officially for two months, kind of in officially for longer. We have made it very clear that we are not just casually dating we are discerning marriage. We are both devout we go to mass a few times a week and go to the chapel together atleast once a week, she’s going through rcia too! A few things I just want to discuss.
  1. I think in my heart I already know that she could be the one she’s great and I know that this might be jumping the gun which is why I have difficulty grasping it, don’t worry I would wait atleast a year before acting on it (proposing)
  2. I would like practical tips on keeping Christ at the center ofvthevrelationship please! Also tips on communication!
  3. How do I make sure she’s as devout as she seems to be??
  4. Post your love stories! I love hearing real world situations , when did you know they were the one and men when did you propose!?
Click to expand...
  1. My wife and I knew we were going to get married after dating 3 months…It doesn’t always work out that way but I know a ton of people who have such stories…just act with prudence.
  2. To keep Christ at the center of the relationship pray together and talk about God with each other. If you really want to foster communication you must learn to be always respectful, even when you don’t like what is being said. The number one thing that will prevent communication is a person not feeling like they will be listened to or will lose the other persons love or respect for what they say.
  3. I recommend not second guessing her or being sort of paranoid about the matter. If she is attending Mass regularly, going through RCIA, and praying with you there is no reason to doubt her. In your relationship both of you will bring each other closer to God. Don’t look for perfection but look for good character.
  4. I proposed to my wife after she started planning our wedding :p. About four months into the relationship she had everything planned and would casually talk about it. It was one of the situations where both of us just “knew”. Some people consider such ideas to be ridiculous I know, but we have now been married 7 years, known each other 8 years and have one of the strongest marriages I have seen. She has led me much closer to God then I have ever been, and I have helped her become much closer to God as well. I’m not saying you should buy the ring today, but I wouldn’t starve your feelings either.
 
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