Discerning NFP help

[Runnerr1980]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married 12 years. We are both traditional Catholics and in those 12 years have had five children without using NFP to avoid. The current issue is this - we have a dilemma but are not sure it’s sufficiently serious to avoid future pregnancies.

We bought a 3-bedroom house in 2007. There is a master bedroom, and two small bedrooms that are about 10x14. The whole house is about 1,600 - so pretty small. They share one bathroom in the hallway. At the time we figured the value of the home would increase, our income would increase, and that by the time we had two or three kids we’d be able to buy something bigger. Well, life happened and my husband had to take a 10% pay cut in 2010. The value of the house has decreased by about $25,00.

We can’t move to a bigger home, and we can’t add on. I do not see that changing for at least 2-3 years. The issue is I now have my kids stuffed into these bedrooms and as they get bigger it is cramped in there. Not to mention the kids have zero privacy and no place to play privately when friends come over. My kids are:
Girl, 11
Boy, 9
Girl, 7
Girl, 4
Boy, 26 months

We have the boys in one room and the girls in the other. The girls’ room is crazy, even with a bunk bed and effcient organization. I can’t imagine what it will be like in 3 years! But part of me says “it’s not life or death” if we have another child… But what if its a girl? Four in that small of a space? Is that fair to the kids? Plus all five sharing one bathroom? My husband says we can’t have more until we can get at least a 5 b/r 4 bath house. I am not sure if that would be sinful. We could afford another child just can’t afford the room for one! Any perspectives?

 

[Convert_in_99]

Hi,
We could afford another child just can’t afford the room for one!

I think you have answered your own question. You can afford another child. Things: sharing bathrooms, small crowded bedrooms, etc are just things. Many people in years past (and still today in other countries) have lots of kids, a mom and dad, and the kitchen share a one room house!

 

[mommamaree]

It is not sinful to use NFP to postpone pregnancy. Popes have spoken to this matter, saying that NFP is licit. Not having the space or money for more space is a just reason for NFP to avoid having another child.

With that said, you, your husband, and your kids may all do fine squished together in a tiny house, and consider it a worthy challenge to make a small space work for a large family. Only you and your husband can discern that.

But do not worry about sinfulness here. This is merely a question of prudence

 

[1love]

NFP is designed to be used on a monthly basis, so instead of saying “no more kids until we have this kind of house,” you could say, “right now, I think having another child in this house would be far too much for me to handle, so let’s wait.” In a few months you might change your mind and decide it wouldn’t be as hard as you once thought.

I am in the same type of house - about 1,600 square feet, three bedrooms. I have seven kids. It’s a tight squeeze but we make do. Not everyone would be willing to do that, and that is why the “grave reasons” to use NFP are not listed by the Church. My grave reason may be different from your’s and vice versa.

I have also struggled with the privacy issue. As an only child, I never experienced a lack of privacy, so it took me a while to get used to this big family stuff. We have found ways to make it work so people can still have privacy when they really need it, even in a small house. The kids don’t need to be all by themselves a lot but when they do, I occupy everyone else to give them some quiet now and then. And when kids come to play, I section off the house: kids and friends go upstairs, everyone else to the basement (finished) and we’ll watch a family movie. Things like that keep our family running smoothly.

Here’s an article written by Simcha Fisher about why the Church does not make a definitive list of what does and does not constitute a serious reason to avoid pregnancy. I found it very helpful.

simchafisher.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/why-doesnt-the-church-just-make-a-list/

 

[Cheerios00]

Do you have a finished basement? Could you turn a living room into a bedroom? If you can afford to have another child, I would certainly prayerfully discern about this situation! Coming from an only child, a sibling is the best present you can offer your children.

 

[Runnerr1980]

Do you have a finished basement? Could you turn a living room into a bedroom? If you can afford to have another child, I would certainly prayerfully discern about this situation! Coming from an only child, a sibling is the best present you can offer your children.

My kids have siblings, I have five kids!

We live in California so no, there is no such thing as a basement. We only have one living room so we couldn’t really turn it into a bedroom without giving up our family area. Plus, there is only a powder room downstairs, no shower.

I talked to my husband last night. When I said we could afford more kids I meant we could feed and clothe more if we needed to without going on welfare. In my husband’s view, if you don’t have enough bedrooms for your kids, you can’t afford them. He says that he feels that our girls are already “sardined” into their room and that it will only be worse as they get older.

I told him about how in the past or in other countries people cram more bodies into less space, but he said this isn’t the third world or the 1800s.

 

[thewanderer]

My kids have siblings, I have five kids!

We live in California so no, there is no such thing as a basement. We only have one living room so we couldn’t really turn it into a bedroom without giving up our family area. Plus, there is only a powder room downstairs, no shower.

I talked to my husband last night. When I said we could afford more kids I meant we could feed and clothe more if we needed to without going on welfare. In my husband’s view, if you don’t have enough bedrooms for your kids, you can’t afford them. He says that he feels that our girls are already “sardined” into their room and that it will only be worse as they get older.

I told him about how in the past or in other countries people cram more bodies into less space, but he said this isn’t the third world or the 1800s.

While I know that this decision is up to you two, since you have asked, I would definitely say that a lack of space for more kids should definitely be a consideration. Kids, especially as they go through puberty, need at least some sort of privacy and space of their own. And, well, while 4 girls in a room can make do, it can also lead to a lot of fighting and tears and havoc. A lot depends on the individuals involved. I would say though that I don’t think its a good idea to stick more than 4 in a room together. Is there any chance you could build an addition further down the road? in 4-5 years? That would mean that as you start having multiple girls in puberty they could have more room to move into.

 

[Aggies08]

When large families lived in small homes, it was always my impression that often they were out of the house for much of the day, together for mealtimes and bed. We live a very different lifestyle these days, I think.

Go to adoration; keep praying about this. I too will pray that an answer is made clear to you for this a course to follow.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Knowing that you already understand that this is a judgment for you your dh, and God, this is the way I would see it:

It is reasonable to postpone a pregnancy if there is no room, or if the physical limitations of your living space will cause a level of stress for you or your kids that would be bad for the family. If you see an end to your restrictions, and if it is a pretty realistic timeframe, then that makes it even a little better - ie - Dh is guaranteed a raise in 1 year, and we will start looking for another house.

OTOH, it might be helpful to see if there are any other areas that you can adjust. One example would be to give up your master bedroom to the larger group of kids, and you take the smaller bedroom. Another idea would be to consolidate dressers. Do all of your kids have their own dresser? If so, reduce their clothes choices, and have them share dressers. Could you organize your closets more efficiently to reduce the furniture in the bedrooms? Could you move an extra dresser or two into the master bedroom? Is there a creative way that you could rearrange the bedroom furniture?

I live in a 3 bedroom house too. The larger of the kids’ rooms is 12x13. Right now we have 4 kids - 3 girls in the bigger kids’ room, and the boy in the smaller. I know that if we had another girl, we could certainly put a fourth girl in the girls’ room by having 2 sets bunk beds, but we will definitely have to adjust the furniture in there - we’d have to take out pretty much all of their toys to add a 4th dresser. The boy’s room, is smaller, and I know we could fit 3 kids in there if we need to, by having 1 bunk. It would be crowded, but I wouldn’t NOT have a child because of that. Now the trick would be if we ended up with 5 girls - in that case, dh and I would probably have to give up our master bedroom (which is not huge, but a little bigger than the girls’ room), and again - if that was the only reason not to have another child, I wouldn’t be inclined to avoid pregnancy.

I’ve been in houses where the bedrooms are like bunk rooms. The key is to look at the rooms differently. The bedroom is the place where you sleep and change your clothes, and where one or two people can hang out to get away. But in houses like these, people simply have to be together more. I will say this about being together though - I’ve known people with large houses who lament the fact that their children are always off in their own rooms, and the family is never together. And the families I’ve known who have crowded into small living spaces, have all grown up to be well adjusted adults who are easy going about sharing space with other people.

I don’t begrudge your dh for wanting more space, and I can appreciate that if you’re going to buy a new house, you might as well buy one with some room to spare. But 5 bedrooms is pretty luxurious, and my guess is that you could live comfortably with bedrooms that were simply larger, or with just 4 bedrooms. Maybe the key is not so much to have lots of bedrooms, but to have a little bigger bedrooms, and a little more living space - like a house with a family room in addition to a living room.

 

[Rose74]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married 12 years. We are both traditional Catholics and in those 12 years have had five children without using NFP to avoid. The current issue is this - we have a dilemma but are not sure it’s sufficiently serious to avoid future pregnancies.

We bought a 3-bedroom house in 2007. There is a master bedroom, and two small bedrooms that are about 10x14. The whole house is about 1,600 - so pretty small. They share one bathroom in the hallway. At the time we figured the value of the home would increase, our income would increase, and that by the time we had two or three kids we’d be able to buy something bigger. Well, life happened and my husband had to take a 10% pay cut in 2010. The value of the house has decreased by about $25,00.

We can’t move to a bigger home, and we can’t add on. I do not see that changing for at least 2-3 years. The issue is I now have my kids stuffed into these bedrooms and as they get bigger it is cramped in there. Not to mention the kids have zero privacy and no place to play privately when friends come over. My kids are:
Girl, 11
Boy, 9
Girl, 7
Girl, 4
Boy, 26 months

We have the boys in one room and the girls in the other. The girls’ room is crazy, even with a bunk bed and effcient organization. I can’t imagine what it will be like in 3 years! But part of me says “it’s not life or death” if we have another child… But what if its a girl? Four in that small of a space? Is that fair to the kids? Plus all five sharing one bathroom? My husband says we can’t have more until we can get at least a 5 b/r 4 bath house. I am not sure if that would be sinful. We could afford another child just can’t afford the room for one! Any perspectives?

I come from a small family of two girls. My sister and I shared a room until I was 12. At 12, I needed more privacy as I entered my teen years. My parents converted a tiny room next to the laundry room into my bedroom. I loved having my own space and my parents wanted that for me because they had never had rooms of their own growing up. My Dad shared with his brother and my mom shared with her grandma.
My SIL is the oldest of 12 and that experience of being extremely poor and crammed into a room with several sisters made her resentful of her parents for doing that to them. I would hold off until you have more space. You don’t have to keep having children to be a good catholic. Catholic families come in all sizes.

 

[PaulGH]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married 12 years. We are both traditional Catholics and in those 12 years have had five children without using NFP to avoid. The current issue is this - we have a dilemma but are not sure it’s sufficiently serious to avoid future pregnancies.

We bought a 3-bedroom house in 2007. There is a master bedroom, and two small bedrooms that are about 10x14. The whole house is about 1,600 - so pretty small. They share one bathroom in the hallway. At the time we figured the value of the home would increase, our income would increase, and that by the time we had two or three kids we’d be able to buy something bigger. Well, life happened and my husband had to take a 10% pay cut in 2010. The value of the house has decreased by about $25,00.

We can’t move to a bigger home, and we can’t add on. I do not see that changing for at least 2-3 years. The issue is I now have my kids stuffed into these bedrooms and as they get bigger it is cramped in there. Not to mention the kids have zero privacy and no place to play privately when friends come over. My kids are:
Girl, 11
Boy, 9
Girl, 7
Girl, 4
Boy, 26 months

We have the boys in one room and the girls in the other. The girls’ room is crazy, even with a bunk bed and effcient organization. I can’t imagine what it will be like in 3 years! But part of me says “it’s not life or death” if we have another child… But what if its a girl? Four in that small of a space? Is that fair to the kids? Plus all five sharing one bathroom? My husband says we can’t have more until we can get at least a 5 b/r 4 bath house. I am not sure if that would be sinful. We could afford another child just can’t afford the room for one! Any perspectives?

I think that it would be acceptable to use NFP due to this crowding situation. But I also think that this is really for you and your husband to discern prayerfully, so I’m not sure that my opinion matters that much.

I’m not convinced that you really need five bedrooms and four bathrooms, as you mentioned that your husband wants, but certainly *some *more space would be a huge help if you have more children (or even if you don’t!).

For what it’s worth, we have four boys who all share a single large bedroom. Now I am sure that space will get tighter as they get older, and we are looking to upgrade to a house with more bedrooms. But for now, it really isn’t much of a problem. However, it does help a LOT that we have a huge family room (in addition to our more formal living room), which is where most of the kids’ toys reside – meaning that they use the bedroom mainly for sleeping, not for playing.

As for bathrooms, we have just two bathrooms for the six of us (me, my wife, and our four boys), and we rarely even use the second bathroom. And one year in college, I lived in a house with four other roommates, and we had just one bathroom, and it wasn’t a big problem, except when the plumbing stopped working. I guess it might be different for girls, but from my perspective in a family with mostly boys, a small number of bathrooms has never been a big problem.

 

[ExGratia]

I cannot advise you since this is a matter of conscience, but I can tell you about some friends!

My aunt wanted children very much and it took 10 years to have her first. She ended up with 3 daughters very close in age and they shared a room in a 720 square foot (I just looked it up on an auditors website!) home in the country. They are still quite close.

I have a friend who grew up with 11 siblings. I’m not sure how many of each sex or how many bedrooms, but he and his brothers shared a bed, not just a bedroom! He is a faithful Catholic with a large family of his own!

My husband and I bought a large house that needs a lot of work, as opposed to a small turn key home that was available at the same time. Our home choice ended up being quite a blessing, since we were surprised with twin boys 9 months after our wedding! Even if you don’t practice nfp, there is no guarantee that you will have more children! We, of course, hope for more (but right now I am eco-breastfeeding because it is good for the boys!). But we never know what the future holds!

God bless you and your family!