Discerning relationship?

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tryingbygrace

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I have been in a relationship with a Catholic man for about a year. We met at work when I was volunteering with the diocese and six months after we became friends our relationship evolved into romance. He was and still is a kind, gentle and caring man who became my best friend and I had hopes that he was the guy God had for me.

However, a few months into our relationship he wanted us to abstain from kissing because he said it turned him on. I loved him and didn’t want to make him uncomfortable so I did mention that I wasnt going to pressure him into it but explained that it did make me feel more distant from him because physical touch is one of my primary love languages. He is usually not one to initiate physical touch such as hugging so it’s generally up to me to do that.

At this point I also feel like the “honeymoon” phase is over. I honestly feel really bored in our relationship. I understand that this is something a lot of couples go through but I feel like I am the only one who seems bothered that the spark in our relationship is gone, while he seems content the way things are. I also had to move to far away for work reasons a few months ago so the distance also makes it hard to spend time with eachother in person or plan vacations together. I’m also worried that his lack of interest in physical touch is an indication that we might not be compatible when we get married and I end up wanting to have sex way more often than he will. Ever since he stopped kissing me I fell back into the habit of masturbating, which I had overcome many years ago.

I’ve discussed the whole “bored” thing with him and he says he will try to put in the effort but he has been taking a very relaxed pace with trying to find stuff for us to do together. This is both of our first relationships so I dont know if I am expecting too much out of a relationship or if my concerns are valid and, even though he’s a nice guy, he might not be the right guy for me. Because of the distance it is also hard for us to both see a priest for any type of relationship counseling.
 
tryingbygrace said:
I’m also worried that his lack of interest in physical touch is an indication that we might not be compatible when we get married
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Don’t underestimate or downplay this. It’s very important and can be a dealbreaker.

Recognize that he’s not going to change. If it’s not simply a matter of him holding back because he doesn’t want to get carried away, and he’s truly not that into the physical touch you crave, this probably isn’t the right relationship for you.
tryingbygrace said:
This is both of our first relationships so I dont know if I am expecting too much out of a relationship or if my concerns are valid and, even though he’s a nice guy, he might not be the right guy for me.
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You don’t have to kiss lots of frogs to know a particular guy is not a good match for you.
 
1ke said:
If it’s not simply a matter of him holding back because he doesn’t want to get carried away, and he’s truly not that into the physical touch you crave, this probably isn’t the right relationship for you.
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He says things would be different in marriage but I feel like I don’t know what to expect unless I was actually married to him…
 
If you are bored with the relationship now, marriage is not going to change that. Not every relationship is meant to last. It could be this one has run its course.
 
How do I know if it is just the distance causing this or if it is a real issue between us?
 
You and him just don’t sound compatible. If you’re bored now, things will not change after marriage. He isn’t really interested in changing things even after you’ve told him how you feel. I don’t think he’s the guy for you.

Have you discussed this with people offline as well? Family, friends?
 
I’ll add to the list, I met him, we became good friends, later romantic, married, parents, and I am now widowed. The only times I was “bored” was when I was looking for an excuse to sin.
 
Well no. I don’t think you seem to understand that if physical touch is your love language it doesn’t mean you want lust in the relationship, you just feel affirmed when the person is physically affectionate (hugs, kisses, etc…). Some people don’t like being touched/cuddled whereas others need that from people they have close relationships with in order to feel close. It’s not something I struggled with when I was single and didn’t have anyone to hug or kiss.
 
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I’ve heard that after the honeymoon phase where everything is new is over that couples fall into a routine and some tend to get bored if both people dont put in effort to keep things new. I know friendship is important in a relationship but sometimes it feels like the friendship takes over over the romantic aspects
 
hopeful3542 said:
Going forward, I’d deliberately stay away from any form of physical affection while you are dating precisely because of the situation you find yourself in now. The physical affection probably created a false sense of intimacy with your boyfriend and now, without it, you find yourself questioning the relationship. What would it have been like if you hadn’t been physically affectionate to begin with? Would you still feel like the “spark” was gone or feel like the “friendship takes over the romantic aspects”. I think these are questions worth asking yourself.
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I disagree with this.

My husband and I dated for six years before we married, and we were virgins on our wedding night.

We had displays of physical affection before we were married–hand-holding, embraces, kisses.

What is needed is not avoidance, but continence.

It is possible to touch each other–and yes, this may lead to a stirring of arousal–but to resist allowing the spark of arousal to become a flaming conflagration that destroys the couple.

What avoidance does is train the couple to not be physical, and then when the right time comes (after marriage), it’s sometimes difficult to switch mindsets and become physical with each other. This doesn’t always happen–humans are driven to have sex and reproduce (desire and sex were created by God, after all), and most chaste couples are able to switch on their “Desire” buttons once they are married and have opportunity to make love.

But there are couples in which one or both of the partners struggle with sex even after marriage–it continues to feel “sinful” to them and they “shut down” and become unable to enjoy lovemaking.

Rather than avoiding, a couple should commit to continence and stick with their commitment. Holding hands, embracing, kissing, touching a shoulder–all of these are appropriate ways to express love for each other without moving on to sex. Our GRANDPARENTS did stuff like this before they were married and no one considered it inappropriate! In fact, many grandparents still DO stuff like this in public and no one considers it inappropriate or overtly sexual.

And for someone like the OP, who has “touch” as their Love Language (which is NOT just a “pop fad” BTW), these simple and innocent touches are really important. My husband has touch as his Love Language, and it’s really important for me to give him plenty physical touches during our time together.

I agree with those who say that this man does not sound like The One for this lady. I hope she will release him and move on to other relationships.
 
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Times when I wanted to commit impure acts. I am not going into details.
 
You can hold hands with your sister, walk with your arm around your friend. Ask friends for hugs. Get a good massage. There are many ways for those of us not in a marriage can experience physical touch without near occasions of sin.
 
What I’m getting from this thread, OP, is that you like to hug and cuddle.
The guy you took up with doesn’t like it so much.
The guy you took up with is now giving signals that “he’s just not that into you”.

Solution: throw this fish back in the sea and go find someone else.

I have no idea why you seem to be trying so hard to force a square peg into a round hole here. He’s not the last man on earth.
 
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hopeful3542 said:
I don’t think this is a case of the boyfriend “not being into” her.
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She has expressed to the guy several times that she is bored and he says he will “try to put in the effort” but “he has been taking a very relaxed pace with trying to find stuff for us to do together.”

A guy who is very interested in a girl does not take things at a “very relaxed pace” when she indicates dissatisfaction with a relationship.

The vibe I am getting is that for whatever reason, whether it’s the occasion of sin or he just doesn’t feel this is working out very well (perhaps because he doesn’t want a girlfriend who’s bugging him about finding things for them to do together), he is losing interest.
 
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