Discerning what to do with the inevitable Catholic crush

[EMFrost]

Hi,

So we’ve all been there right? Tall, dark, handsome and holy man walks in and turns out to be Catholic, kind, smart, strong, happy and all those things that make any Catholic girl kindof get butterflies inside.
Or for the men, a pretty woman walks in who is Catholic, smart, kind, happy and all that jazz.
Furthermore the more you get to know them, the more and more of these positive traits are revealed to you.

Inevitably you develop a crush on that person. My question is once it’s there, as a responsible Catholic adult, what do you do with it?

How moral is facebook stalking? How about wishing that person would ask you out? If it’s not likely to go anywhere. What’s something good you can do with your feelings and desires toward that person? How do you make sure your feelings affect your discernment appropriately?

I mean this in general and want to start an adult conversation on the matter.
I’m having my second big Catholic crush. It was really hard getting over the first one, but I learned and grew up a lot because of it. I’m not going to let this one go that far, I really don’t think it’s going to go anywhere. I have the desires and I’m trying to fuel them into something bigger and better.

Any suggestions or empathy or similar problems or funny stories or even romantic stories (to give us some hope) are more than welcome. Have at it!

 

[Havard]

I think it’s completely normal, and while there is such a thing as obsessing, everyone does a little Facebook reconnaissance now and then.

As for this guy in particular, do you get opportunities to see him regularly, like at Mass?

 

[EMFrost]

Up until this point I’ve been seeing him pretty regularly, but the course we shared is over and it’s unlikely we will share another one. The good thing about seeing him so often is that it actually helped me not get obsessed and remember who he actually is not some perfected ridiculous image in my imagination. That’s one thing I learned from last time.

I know a lot about what NOT to do it seems… but not how to actually deal with the feelings that I developed in a more constructive manner.

 

[Havard]

Up until this point I’ve been seeing him pretty regularly, but the course we shared is over and it’s unlikely we will share another one. The good thing about seeing him so often is that it actually helped me not get obsessed and remember who he actually is not some perfected ridiculous image in my imagination. That’s one thing I learned from last time.

I know a lot about what NOT to do it seems… but not how to actually deal with the feelings that I developed in a more constructive manner.

How about asking him to get coffee? In my opinion, anyway, that wouldn’t be too forward, because coffee is casual, so it’s just expressing an interest in getting to know him. I think it suggests that you might be interested romantically, but it doesn’t mean you have to be. Speaking as a man, it’s exciting, knowing there’s that potential that a woman might be interested, but you don’t know which way she’s going to go.

 

[null]

Emma Frost:

If you don’t think there’s a chance of it going anywhere, then it’s a danger to your soul if you dwell on it even for a minute.

But the question shouldn’t be whether you think there’s a chance it could go somewhere. It should be whether you have discerned if marriage with that person is what God wants for your future.

And if you discern prayerfully that it is, then you should approach him and ask him to dinner or whatever people do these days.

 

[St_Francis]

I really think that thinking any more about a person than the IRL circumstances warrant leads to having a crush, and crushes really aren’t healthy.

 

[Havard]

I really think that thinking any more about a person than the IRL circumstances warrant leads to having a crush, and crushes really aren’t healthy.

Certainly infatuation isn’t healthy. But thinking about somebody you admire can be nice, and it doesn’t have to be infatuation.

 

[EMFrost]

What’s IRL stand for?

I’ve heard that a good way to deal with a crush is to discern what makes you feel that way about a person. Then keep that in mind as you continue discerning for a spouse. The first part is easy. I could name a ton of reason why I started admiring and then honestly really liking this guy. The second part, the continuing on discerning- aka moving on part- is sticky. I’m not infatuated (thank goodness, but thanks for the concern ya’ll). Admire is a much more accurate word- thanks.

Maybe I should clarify- I don’t think it would go anywhere because I don’t think he would ask me out. Even if I dropped a hint or two. I’m not holding thoughts and feelings over a guy I know is not my future spouse. The crush is there because this is the kind of guy I would love to ask me out.

I feel like I should be patient. Let the friendship develop and one day maybe he’ll surprise me. And if it’s not going anywhere like I said I want to do something good with these feelings. What would the saints do? Something? I don’t know.

 

[Havard]

I think here IRL stands for “in real life”. As opposed to what one might just be hoping for.

As to your comment about him not asking you out, why do you already think he wouldn’t?

 

[St_Francis]

Certainly infatuation isn’t healthy. But thinking about somebody you admire can be nice, and it doesn’t have to be infatuation.

I did say more than real-life circumstances would warrant. Like saying to oneself, he often says something interesting in class; I’ll say I am interested in his point and would he join me for coffee? But then going on to imagine a big romantic scene, etc., would be too much.

The OP already mentioned it had been hard to get over a previous crush, so I think there’s a bit of a problem.

 

[izzydizzydo]

As I began reading I too iimmediately thought of coffee. If you do suggest you two go out for coffee beforehand peruse the diocese website to find out what interesting programs are scheduled in the resent future.

This is a great way to get to know a person better especially when conversing afterward.
Along with that you could consider inviting him to join you in a church outreach event, habitat for humanity etc.

Gods peace be with you,

Izzydizzydo

 

[EMFrost]

If he asks me out, it’ll be much further down the road. I’m not about to get my hopes up. Until then or if that doesn’t happen at all, I still have these feelings that I need to keep in check.

Yes I had trouble the first time. Emotional chastity is a very important thing, but no one seems to talk about it. Which is funny because don’t teenagers seem to be the ones who need it most (like I did when I was a teen)? I had to learn after the fact but I did learn. If that helps you not worry about me.

Welp although we’re both practicing Catholics we go to different diocese. We’re both involved, but haven’t run into each other apart from this class. I’m trying to find an event to bridge the diocese gap, but that’s extra hard now that summer’s here. Most of the events I know of now are retreats you need to have signed up for by last month. But hey this may be perfect because I have the entire summer to clear my head of this and make sure I’m still discerning properly.

If things got closer I would try the coffee thing, but my friends all know that I’ve never actually had coffee so that would be about as subtle as a gunshot for me to suggest, Haha! Maybe I can use something like icecream, but if I ever get brave enough to do that it will be much further down the road.