Discernment & pain about past sins

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littlesoul33

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I’m sorry that this is so personal, but I’ve been going through some sort of crisis of faith lately.
If anyone could share anything at all that could be helpful, or just pray for me, I’d be so glad.
Years ago, I lived a very bad life. When by God’s grace I finally repented of my sins and went to confession, my faith became very important to me. I felt like I fell in love with Christ and wanted to give my whole life to Him. I decided to never marry and seek consecrated life and promised my chastity to God. Through the intercession of our Blessed Mother I was given the grace to live a chaste life.

However, I am in a lot of pain, pretty much all the time - because I am afraid that I was called to be a Consecrated Virgin, and ruined it by my sins. I read about different vocations, and this vocation really emphasizes being a bride of Christ, which is something I feel so drawn to as the central aspect of my vocation. I know there are sooo many Saints who were not CVs and who had this spirituality, including nuns, and those in third orders, and private vows, - I realize that I could still seek this life. I also read about penitents like St Margaret of Cortona who were totally purified of their past and regained perfect purity (I read that she was even told by Jesus that in Heaven, He would place her among the virgins).

But despite all this, I am constantly in pain over my past. I’ve cried over it so much and I just can’t seem to get over it. I’m afraid and grieved that I was supposed to be a CV and no matter how much I try, and live chastely, and even if I become a religious, it wouldn’t be what He maybe wanted. I get afraid that I’d never become the saint He had in mind when He created me, and that I’d always be mediocre because I lost my vocation.

Of course, it could be that He wanted me to be a nun all along, not a CV. But the attraction in my heart to have a spousal relationship with God IS the reason I started discerning at all. I know nuns have this spirituality too but it’s so central and direct in a vocation to be a Consecrated Virgin.

I don’t really know what I’m asking but I’m going through a lot of pain spiritually and emotionally due to this, and if anyone has any words that might help, I’d be so grateful. I can’t seem to come closer to God because of this and all this grief is blocking me from Him.
 
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Hi!
I’m so glad the Lord brought you to the Church, Deo Gratias!
I’ve been dealing with something similar lately, not to do with vocation but with my past sins, things that are very shameful to me now. The best thing you can do is pray and offer up your emotions. If it is very torturous, then maybe the Lord wants for you to go through it, so as to sanctify you more.
I recently read a biography on St. Margaret of Cortana and it was so beautiful, she was such a holy woman, and she went through something so close to you as well, she carried that intense regret of her past sins her entire life. Ask for her intercession, and for St. Mary Magdalene’s as well.
And, as you say, being a nun is good and holy too. The two penitent Saints I mentioned above probably felt much regret over the fact that they couldn’t maintain their virginity either, but it’s ok, thd Lord loves us and is always infinitely merciful. What matters is that you’re with Him now.

I’ll be praying for you, God bless you!
 
Thank you so much! Reading about those Saints has been a great consolation… and just how God still brought them so close to Him, even into the mystical marriage with Him, despite their past sins. I always seem to have this fear that I can’t be close to Him. Thank you for your prayers! God bless you too!
 
littlesoul33 said:
it wouldn’t be what He maybe wanted. I get afraid that I’d never become the saint He had in mind when He created me, and that I’d always be mediocre because I lost my vocation.
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King David also made a (carnal) mistake by sleeping with another man’s wife, and then killing that man.

He repented. He made amends and took the (now widowed) woman as his lawful wife. From their marriage came Solomon, and eventually, Jesus Himself decided to come from that same line.

Point being: not only did Jesus disregard David’s sin when he repented, He glorified David’s marriage. He provided something so wonderful out of those circumstances. God isn’t ashamed of us and can work amazing things from our past lives.
 
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littlesoul33 said:
I also read about penitents like St Margaret of Cortona who were totally purified of their past and regained perfect purity (I read that she was even told by Jesus that in Heaven, He would place her among the virgins).
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We also have this idea in the East. Saint Paisios said that in the next life, Christ will tell some monks to take off their monastic robes, and He will tell other people to put them on.
 
That’s a very good reflection, thank you! God can bring glory even from our mistakes and errors… that’s also very interesting about St Paisios!
 
Your thread reminds me of what St Augustine said: every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
 
If you have gone to confession, your sins have been forgiven. Be at peace and go to serve God with a happy heart. 🙂
 
A priest I know tells this story (and I believe it comes from the story in the life of a saint – if anyone knows, please comment).

A woman who was very scrupulous came into the confessional and rattled off a long list of supposed sins. When she finished, the priest (who was actually Christ) told her, “Oh, you have forgotten one, my daughter.”

She replied, “Oh, I knew that I had,” and started agonizing over her forgotten sin and rattled off a few more

He again said. “My daughter, you have forgotten one – you have not trusted in My mercy.”

I believe that this may be where you stand. You need to trust in His mercy and decide where to go from here. The important thing is not what happened yesterday but what you are going to do today. It is possible to get so mired in sorrow that we can actually despair and turn away from God. On the other hand, sometimes God permits us to fall into sin so that we can love Him more.
 
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littlesoul33 said:
But despite all this, I am constantly in pain over my past. I’ve cried over it so much and I just can’t seem to get over it. I’m afraid and grieved that I was supposed to be a CV and no matter how much I try, and live chastely, and even if I become a religious, it wouldn’t be what He maybe wanted. I get afraid that I’d never become the saint He had in mind when He created me, and that I’d always be mediocre because I lost my vocation.
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Are you doing this alone? Have you spoken to a vocation director from any particular order or your local parish?

I’ll tell you this. Every now & again I get the idea I was supposed to be a priest or a monk & sometimes grieve over the fact that I am not. But reading of some of the Saints I realize they were generally called at an early age. I wasn’t.

Reflecting back on my life I can see clearly God called me to the family life.

If He wanted you to be a consecrated virgin, you’d be a consecrated virgin. You’re where you are now for a reason. Trust in His Mercy & unconditional love for you.

Pray, hope, & be happy
 
Hello, yes I have a director… I don’t believe that I am called to have a family, and my director supports my discernment… I have already committed myself to Christ in chastity. I’m just discerning the particular way to live this out 🙂 I’ve felt this way consistently for many years now… of course, each person has a different path that God is calling them to. God bless you!
 
Thank you for the encouraging replies everyone! I will try to trust God and offer Him the most that I can… it helps a lot to know that St Mary Magdalene became a great Saint despite her past, and God totally purified her
 
There is virtually no evidence that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute or notorious sinner. That is a myth that owes its existence to the Middle Ages at the earliest. For a short, accessible article see this: Was Mary Magdalene a prostitute?

Probably the best recent study of Mary Magdalene is this from 2001 (it was runner-up for the American Catholic Historical Association’s book prize when it came out). I highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.com/Making-Magdalen-Preaching-Popular-Devotion/dp/0691089876/
 
I tend to go with what is written in the revelations of Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich about her… It doesn’t say she was a prostitute though, I think. (I realize it’s private revelation but I just don’t have any reason to doubt it). It makes sense because we know Jesus expelled seven demons from her. I think I read that there are several acceptable versions we can believe about her identity
 
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Well, I tend to go with what the reliable scholarship and research says. You are of course entitled to regard for private revelations, but I don’t think they carry quite the same weight.
 
It seems to me like there are several acceptable theories… I’ll try to look into it further. However even if St Mary Magdalene did not live an impure life, there are other Saints who could be an example of how God transforms sinners, for example St Margaret of Cortona or St Augustine
 
I agree about other saints. I just find it difficult when Mary Magdalene is so narrowly (mis)interpreted.
 
I guess one day we’ll know for sure! 🙂 in any case, I don’t believe she was a prostitute though… even Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich says that she was from a wealthy family and lived in a mansion, not someone on the street or in a house of prostitution
 
Hey Little nice post.

I think many of us look back and grieve our sins. In know I have. It can be hard to let the past go. But we have all fallen short.

The divine mercy I find inspiring myself tbh.
https://www.ncregister.com/blog/josephpronechen/what-jesus-says-about-divine-mercy

I have prayed for those I potentially hurt with my past sins as well, I found that was helpful. We live in an age where lust is indulged easily.

But remember Jesus’ words, “I make all things new”.
 
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