Discernment

[smithm29]

Good afternoon!

I have recently returned to the Church after a several years away. I started attending mass again in March and received the sacraments for the first time in over five years on Corpus Christi; I am trying to determine the way that God is calling me to serve him. Please bear with me, because posting this feels awkward for some reason. I’ve started to post and then stopped several times because I’m just not sure how to phrase my question.

Before I left the Church, I was a very external Catholic. I can remember very little real prayer or even concern for that life. Most of my discussion centered around the “evils of Vatican II” and the horrors of the guitar mass (I still don’t like the guitar mass, but whatever- the consecration is valid and I receive Christ there as truly as I do anywhere else). My experience this time has been very different. It’s not that I have received any great revelations, ecstasies, or encounters, but I feel that the character of my encounter is different. I know that this sounds immodest, but my goal is really to find out what God created me to be, and then to do whatever it takes to become that creation.

I have, since Corpus Christi, been praying lauds and vespers every day. Lauds alone, vespers with my children. During lunch, I go to a nearby church and read the gospel (slowly, and I fight distraction every minute of it) and pray the chaplet of divine mercy. In the past two weeks or so, I have been praying compline and I started a daily rosary. I have gone to confession every week, and received the Eucharist each Saturday and Sunday. When I say that the character of my encounter is different, I don’t mean that I always enjoy my prayers, that I feel “connected” with God each time I pray, or that there is no difficulty in praying. I mean that I pray because I truly want to do what it is that God wants me to. Even if I don’t always (or even often) feel the grace, I do feel that what I am doing is what He wants.

My problem is that it feels so disconnected. There is little tying my random devotions together, and I worry that without something to unite my various aspirations, I will slip into despair and eventually leave again. I have approached my parish priest for direction and will submit to him concerning the works of mercy and how I can serve my parish and my community, but I will not submit myself to him for spiritual direction. I learned in my first (and only) confession with him that he is not completely faithful to the magisterium. My diocese has 107 priests for 111 parishes- and several large parishes have more than one priest assigned to them, so finding another priest for direction locally is a difficult task.

I have considered two things to give direction to my (I can’t think of a phrase that doesn’t sound immodest) attempts to be what God wants me to be. The first is a total consecration to the Blessed Virgin. I have just finished St. Louis’ book, and I am interested in the concept, but not certain it is what I am called to do. The second is the Fraternities of Saint Dominic. I have been communicating with a very thoughtful and helpful member of the fraternities, and she has answered all of the questions I’ve had so far. The only thing really remaining is to continue my prayers and study and see if I can discern a call to continue inquiring.

The difficulty with discerning what God wants me to do is that I am so bad at understanding what he wants. I don’t have visions or dreams. I’m terrible at understanding how things that happen throughout the day can be God’s way of telling me what to do.

Both of the things I am considering are very serious. Consecration is such a serious matter that it’s impossible, I think, to overstate how much it will change the nature of my relationship with God. At least with the Fraternities of Saint Dominic, there are people along the path of formation who can guide me and say if they think I am making a mistake. It’s not as if you just join- you have to be accepted. Even then, I am afraid of putting six months or a year or four years into formation just to realize I am not supposed to join.

How do you know what God is calling you to do? How can you pay enough attention to understand what he is saying? Maybe I’m not supposed to do either of these things- maybe I’m supposed to do both. How on earth will I know that? I would appreciate any help that any of you can offer.

 

[Lief_Erikson]

The Mass is God’s loudspeaker. Apply the readings to yourself, for they are God’s Word to you. The hymns and prayers, as well as the readings, often parallel exactly what is going on in my life or speak to it. I recommend listening carefully to the Mass as all God’s voice speaking directly to you and your voice to Him. Take it all personally. You might pray for the grace to do this, from the Holy Spirit and Holy Wisdom, before entering Mass. I often pray, before Mass, for the grace of receiving God’s Word for me as truly His voice speaking to me.

Another thought is that you might want to find out if there are any religious orders in your area. If there are, and they are orthodox, you might find a good spiritual director among them. He, I am sure, could be a great help to you.

Here’s a good site full of completely orthodox religious orders. db.religiouslife.com/reg_life/irl.nsf/ma_chooseState?OpenForm

You can search the orders of that site by either location or alphabetical order.

I also recommend that you not burn yourself out. Remember what the 2 Cor. 9:7 says, “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” Your commitment to Christ is excellent, but don’t overburden yourself with devotions if your heart isn’t in them. Take some time to relax and enjoy yourself, and only devote yourself to doing what you want to do. If you have to scale back, there’s nothing wrong in doing that. Be flexible and merciful toward yourself; the chief reason for clinging on if you’re doing too much is pride, and pride leads to a fall. If your heart really is in all your religious activities, by all means, continue them, but if it feels too much, then be merciful to yourself and humbly step back.

 

[Sirach2]

How wonderful to see that Our Lord has brought his little sheep back into the fold. I always rejoice when I see the enthusiasm and joy in the heart of the prodigal.

As I entered into the spirit of your words, I find an eagerness to “do something” besides pray, in order to fulfill your desires to please God. Your prayers are limiting your being able to commune intimately with Jesus, because they are “vocal” prayer formulas, though all of them are good. In order to enter into deeper communion with Christ, you need to exercise “mental” prayer, the prayer of the heart that is unique to you. I didn’t notice that you are doing this, though you might be.

Spiritual reading is one of the best means to bring the heart into that intimate conversation. Whether you use scripture or a book of your choice to put you into the presence of Our Lord, it should be a high priority, and then add the other devotions as your day permits. If the book does not “feed” your spirit, keep seeking until one you find one that helps you “talk to Christ” in sweet conversation, and speak to Him about the thoughts that your reading suggests.

You should find these daily visits with him increasing your hunger to love Him and just “be” with Him, momentarily sending up a thought of love or ejaculations throughout your day. St. Francis de Sales calls this “gathering a nosegay” from your time with Our Lord, and letting its fragrance rekindle your heart afterwards during your normal routine.

St. Teresa of Avila was a good and holy nun, observing the rules of her Order, such as you are doing - mass, praying the hours of the breviary, regular confessions and communion, etc. But she admits she did not really grow until she began to practice mental prayer.

 

[MatthewBerkeley]

Hi thanks for sharing! It’s encouraging to read, as I too have had questions about where I’m called as well recently. Here’s a couple of things I’ve realised recently.

Firstly, God wants us to be happy, Phil 4:4-7. So He doesn’t want us to be stressed about where He’s calling us. Don’t worry about getting it wrong - just trust in God and He’ll guide your every step. Though this doesn’t make the direction any clearer, it certainly gave me a strong sense of peace about my vocation, whatever it turns out to be.

Secondly, look at the gifts and talents God has given you. God doesn’t do useless things, so use them for God’s glory!

I don’t know what age you are, but if you can find a community of believers of a similar age, through prayer groups or age-oriented retreats or whatever, do try and get involved. It is so important to have that support in the faith.

There’s an interesting verse at the end of Romans Chapter 14 - ‘every action which does not spring from faith is sin.’ Initially it sounds negative, but look at it positively - walk by faith, do everything in faith. This doesn’t mean necessarily changing what you do in general, but as much as possible, change the focus of why you are doing what you do. Do it not for yourself, not to satisfy yourself or anyone else - do everything first and foremost for the glory of God, in faith.

There’s a few ideas that have struck me recently - I hope they help in someway!

God bless

 

[smithm29]

Thank you all for the comments.

I know that what I’m doing seems like a lot, but it’s really not as much as it sounds. The Office takes about 45 minutes out of my day, the rosary an hour, and the gospel/divine mercy my lunch break. I have had to abandon the rosary because of time constraints a few days (a sick family member is staying with us for now and needs quite a bit of help at times), but I trust in St. Louis’ assertion that there is nothing wrong with missing a daily devotion for a valid reason.

Firstly, God wants us to be happy, Phil 4:4-7. So He doesn’t want us to be stressed about where He’s calling us. Don’t worry about getting it wrong - just trust in God and He’ll guide your every step.

I suppose that’s my problem. I’m not trusting in God or my ability to hear what he has to tell me. Thank you for that.

 

[puzzleannie]

welcome home, best thread I have read all day

you have already done what you seek in returning to Mass and the sacraments.

my only other advice is that less is more.

the disconnected ness may come with a multiplicity of devotions which are being done as rote tasks, without the true devotion that should ;drive them.

stick with what is working for you know, morning and evening prayer. When you are ready to add lectio divina, reading and praying with scripture start that. Don’t worry about other traditional devotions until you find that dedicating the time to these is leading you into deeper meditation and even contemplation. By that I mean, until doing these leads you to more time spent in silence and listening.

It is a mistake to say, cut short time meditating on the gospel because it is “time” to say my rosary or chaplet. The goal should be journeying toward an attitude in prayer time of more quiet receptivity and less action, letting God speak rather than thinking our words and thoughts are driving the prayer. Let the Holy Spirit pray for you.

I am not expressing very well what I mean but hope it helps a little.

Do not judge the quality of your prayer by emotion, sentiment, feelings, contentment, fullfillment, satisfaction or any other human measure, but by faithfulness, have I given my time and attention to God for this period of time I have consciously, deliberately set aside for Him. I don’t even mean “oh my mind wandered my prayer was not good” that is not even a reliable measure. Simply, between 6 am and 7am belongs to God and I have done my best to prepare for prayer, to pray, to listen for that time.

When it is time to serve, serve. When it is time to pray, pray. When it is time to listen, listen. When it is time to suffer and bear ills, bear them. When it is time for duties, fulfill them. all is prayer.