Disciplining a 15 month old toddler

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vesnianka

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Hi everyone!

I am a first time mom and would like your opinion on how to discipline a young toddler. Ooooh, his personality has been rearing an ugly head, but I think this is quite common in all kiddies. Most of the time, he’s fine - a lively, happy kid. But when he wants something, he will scream horribly and cry, push me away…he has hit me and even tries to bite me in anger and frustration.

I don’t know if kids this age respond yet to the standard discipline tactics used for kids ages 3 and up (corner/time-out, looking in the eye, being firm, etc.). But I don’t want him to learn to be able to manipulate and get what he wants now, so that later he will control my husband and myself.

I’m not sure about spanking. Spare the rod, spoil the child has different interpretations and I take it as using the rod (from a shepherd) and GUIDING the child. Never heard of a shepherd hitting their sheep with a rod…you know?

I would love your opinions!!!
 
You can’t. At this age the kid just doesn’t understand yet. You can enforce habits, but not in a way that they understand completely the dos and don’ts
 
Maybe you can find some ideas here: thechildrenstrust.org/library

Young children can be physically redirected without actually being hit or struck. For example, they can be picked up/ lifted away from something they shouldn’t be doing, your grasp can be placed firmly over their hand or arm, etc.

Although very young children cannot be reasoned with, there are disciplinary alternatives to hitting a child.

In one of St. John Bosco’s dreams, he hits boys who are misbehaving.

Our Lady appears to St. John Bosco in the dream and tells him, ““If you wish to win over these boys, do not hit them; be kind and appeal to their better selves.”

pdf-ebooks.net/sample/23947/saint-john-bosco
 
vesnianka said:
Hi everyone!

I am a first time mom and would like your opinion on how to discipline a young toddler. Ooooh, his personality has been rearing an ugly head, but I think this is quite common in all kiddies. Most of the time, he’s fine - a lively, happy kid. But when he wants something, he will scream horribly and cry, push me away…he has hit me and even tries to bite me in anger and frustration.

I don’t know if kids this age respond yet to the standard discipline tactics used for kids ages 3 and up (corner/time-out, looking in the eye, being firm, etc.). But I don’t want him to learn to be able to manipulate and get what he wants now, so that later he will control my husband and myself.

I’m not sure about spanking. Spare the rod, spoil the child has different interpretations and I take it as using the rod (from a shepherd) and GUIDING the child. Never heard of a shepherd hitting their sheep with a rod…you know?

I would love your opinions!!!
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No spanking, not at this age. Your son is just beginning to truly differentiate himself as a person separate from you. He does not disobey you intentionally, which to me is the first criteria for a spanking. I would ignore him when he goes into a fit (believe me, I do know how difficult that can be!) unless he is in a place where his own antics could endanger his safety. In which case, you pick him up, move him to a safe place, and let him continue.

There’s a video on YouTube of a toddler pitching a massive fit, and when his mother walks away, he stops, gets up, and goes to where she is, then starts all over again. He does this at least twice, which shows his mom that the whole thing is a performance designed to get him what he wants. NEVER give in to a fit. NEVER.

Crying Game
 
You know what’s working with my 19 month old who has been like this ever sine his canines started cutting? Picking him up and whispering in an excited tone(that keeps the suspense) about whatever it is. I keep this up for about 10 minutes until he forgets about the fit and has calmed down. The thing is, once you start whispering, you gotta keep going to heighten his interest and keep his attention. If in 2 minutes you put him down, it will start again.

To keep my flow, I usually go on a 10 minute rant about what we will do that day and what he will get and what his siblings will do and how they will play and the yummy food we will eat etc etc. Yah, of course it makes me feel normal. Lol. But it works so I stick to it.

I just hate when other people are around and they thing that speaking in a stern tone will help and in fact they just aggravate him. They probably think I’m too soft, but I think I know my child best. There are times when I can firmly discipline him but when he’s on the onset of a huge outburst and already in aggression mode, that just doesn’t work.
 
at 15mo, move and redirect, or (if he’s safe/the thing he can’t have is out of reach), COMPLETELY ignore after you tell him “No” once. Go out of his eyesight/the room. Once he’s closer to two, you can put him in his room and tell him he’s welcome to “join us in the living room” when he’s done crying.

Both of those work beautifully for the kids I care for, I’ve worked with toddlers/2’s for years 🙂
 
wow - these are some great advice! thanks! when do you think i should start “disciplining” in the traditional sense?
 
vesnianka said:
wow - these are some great advice! thanks! when do you think i should start “disciplining” in the traditional sense?
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Remember that to discipline means “to make a disciple of”. I like the way Coach Mike Krzyzewski of Duke University defines it, too: “Discipline is doing what you are supposed to do in the best possible manner at the time you are supposed to do it.” None of his players are disciplined because they’re afraid of punishment…and believe me, no parents were ever more traditional that the Polish American parents of Mike Krzyzewski!!!

The end goal is a young man who will live according to the demands of the love of God and neighbor because he sees it is a good thing, a young man who not only does not need punishment to make him want to be good, but who will endure bad treatment in order to continue to do good!

Most of that does not have a thing to do with punishment, but rather is a matter of training them to know what to do and to feel a desire to do it. You’re already doing that!

Having said that, it is worthwhile to study childhood development a bit, so you can guage your child’s milestones and have a good idea about what disciplinary strategies are likely to be the most appropriate for his age.
 
1inICXC said:
You know what’s working with my 19 month old who has been like this ever sine his canines started cutting? Picking him up and whispering in an excited tone(that keeps the suspense) about whatever it is. I keep this up for about 10 minutes until he forgets about the fit and has calmed down. The thing is, once you start whispering, you gotta keep going to heighten his interest and keep his attention. If in 2 minutes you put him down, it will start again.

To keep my flow, I usually go on a 10 minute rant about what we will do that day and what he will get and what his siblings will do and how they will play and the yummy food we will eat etc etc. Yah, of course it makes me feel normal. Lol. But it works so I stick to it.

I just hate when other people are around and they thing that speaking in a stern tone will help and in fact they just aggravate him. They probably think I’m too soft, but I think I know my child best. There are times when I can firmly discipline him but when he’s on the onset of a huge outburst and already in aggression mode, that just doesn’t work.
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This is great. Just perfect.

One of the most important things a child needs to know when he’s prone to tantrums is how to get a grip on himself. Kids are not born knowing that, and when they lose control of themselves, it can be very scary for them. When they learn how to get a grip on themselves, it builds their self-confidence. When they see that you are on their side to help them get a grip, it builds trust. IOW, you don’t just leave him to his tantrum. You help him figure out how to get out of it. After all, which of us, remembering a tantrum of our own, would describe it as a powerful feeling? It feels awful!! The last thing a child who has lost it or is losing it needs is someone who comes in seeming to be all out of sorts themselves.
 
I’m not really a fan of spanking as I don’t think it works much. If a child is hitting or bitting, the best way to handle it that I’ve seen is to hold their arm, get down to their level, and say “No hitting.” or something like it in a firm but calm voice. If they are hitting with an object, take the object away. It’s important not to get angry because it makes it seem as though you aren’t in control of yourself which exacperates the situation. Also, there’s no reason to be angy because the baby isn’t trying to hurt you when they hit the way an older child might be. Remember that they still can’t communicate their needs and desires, so hitting is a physical way of saying “I’m unhappy about something” or “That’s not what I want.” Kids have to be taught that hitting is unacceptable, but I don’t think that “time out” is appropriate until a child is nearing three or so. They just don’t get it. It seems obvious to me that hitting a child is not the most logical way of teaching a child not to hit.
 
vesnianka said:
wow - these are some great advice! thanks! when do you think i should start “disciplining” in the traditional sense?
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Well there is “discipline,” and there is “punishment.” Discipline includes positive teaching, although many people equate the term with punishment.

A lot depends on your child. My first needed almost no discipline because he usually did what he was told without defiance. He absorbed the ethos of the family and wanted our approval. He was a very compliant child with a mild temperament. We just didn’t get cross-ways much. I spanked him one time when he crossed the street without me as I got his brother ready in the stroller. I talked sternly to him one other time when he colored in one of his picture books. Seriously, those are the only 2 times I can remember having to punish him in all his childhood. I could give him “The Mom Look,” and he’d start to cry. Amazing gift God sent me, eh? 🙂

Son #2 was the polar opposite, was always pushing the boundaries and was defiant without shame at age 2, 3, 4, etc. The Mom Look would only encourage him to stare back in rebellion. So he got spanked a lot more. I only spanked for frank defiance, “NO I WON’T!” types of things. I tried all sorts of sticker charts, positive rewards, etc. and some of them worked. But spanking worked very well for him, for quite a while. It was a very firm boundary that told him, “That behavior will NOT be tolerated!” And we always had a conversation about why he’d been spanked after it was all over. Anti-spankers will say it’s because he was afraid of me, but I disagree. Some kids just don’t feel the boundaries of time-outs or deprivation of stuff or whatever. That PHYSICAL reminder does the trick, or it did with my son.

But as I said, I didn’t start this until my son was older and I could ascertain that 1) he knew what I was asking him to do or stop doing, 2) he was capable of doing what I asked him to, and 3) he was truly being defiant as opposed to reacting out of being Hungry, Angy, Lonely (or Looney), or Tired (HALT). Spanking should never be the ONLY response to any bad behavior, and should be re-evaluated frequently to see if it is still necessary.

When Son #2 was too little to be defiant, I used a lot of distraction, which worked well because as it turns out, he has ADHD and gets distracted rather easily. Some people call that “re-direction,” whatever term you want to use. It’s putting the child’s attention onto something else, rather than just punishing him for what he’s doing.

Also, just for the people who have dealt with this, with ADHD or ADD kids, no discipline method works for their whole childhood. You have to keep changing it up because they will get immune or lose interest, even in reward programs. So we parents of that kind of kid have used every possible technique there is, other than duct-taping the kid to a wall. 😃 I came close a few times, but never did it.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Well there is “discipline,” and there is “punishment.” Discipline includes positive teaching, although many people equate the term with punishment.

A lot depends on your child. My first needed almost no discipline because he usually did what he was told without defiance. He absorbed the ethos of the family and wanted our approval. He was a very compliant child with a mild temperament. We just didn’t get cross-ways much. I spanked him one time when he crossed the street without me as I got his brother ready in the stroller. I talked sternly to him one other time when he colored in one of his picture books. Seriously, those are the only 2 times I can remember having to punish him in all his childhood. I could give him “The Mom Look,” and he’d start to cry. Amazing gift God sent me, eh? 🙂

Son #2 was the polar opposite, was always pushing the boundaries and was defiant without shame at age 2, 3, 4, etc. The Mom Look would only encourage him to stare back in rebellion. So he got spanked a lot more. I only spanked for frank defiance, “NO I WON’T!” types of things. I tried all sorts of sticker charts, positive rewards, etc. and some of them worked. But spanking worked very well for him, for quite a while. It was a very firm boundary that told him, “That behavior will NOT be tolerated!” And we always had a conversation about why he’d been spanked after it was all over. ** Anti-spankers will say it’s because he was afraid of me, but I disagree**. Some kids just don’t feel the boundaries of time-outs or deprivation of stuff or whatever. That PHYSICAL reminder does the trick, or it did with my son.

But as I said, I didn’t start this until my son was older and I could ascertain that 1) he knew what I was asking him to do or stop doing, 2) he was capable of doing what I asked him to, and 3) he was truly being defiant as opposed to reacting out of being Hungry, Angy, Lonely (or Looney), or Tired (HALT). Spanking should never be the ONLY response to any bad behavior, and should be re-evaluated frequently to see if it is still necessary.

When Son #2 was too little to be defiant, I used a lot of distraction, which worked well because as it turns out, he has ADHD and gets distracted rather easily. Some people call that “re-direction,” whatever term you want to use. It’s putting the child’s attention onto something else, rather than just punishing him for what he’s doing.

Also, just for the people who have dealt with this, with ADHD or ADD kids, no discipline method works for their whole childhood. You have to keep changing it up because they will get immune or lose interest, even in reward programs. So we parents of that kind of kid have used every possible technique there is, other than duct-taping the kid to a wall. 😃 I came close a few times, but never did it.
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Disagree. Spanking does not encourage respect, only fear. How can it do anything else? You are asserting your mastery over your child, and speaking from personal experience (and I was not spanked much, nor am I bitter over it) I knew not to do something b/c I was for sure going to get spanked for it if I did. I didn’t connect getting smacked w/ respecting my parents. Unless we are likening wary fear to respect, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Honestly, how can hitting someone encourage respect?
 
ReachingFaith said:
Disagree. Spanking does not encourage respect, only fear. How can it do anything else? You are asserting your mastery over your child, and speaking from personal experience (and I was not spanked much, nor am I bitter over it) I knew not to do something b/c I was for sure going to get spanked for it if I did. I didn’t connect getting smacked w/ respecting my parents. Unless we are likening wary fear to respect, then I don’t know what to tell you.
Honestly, how can hitting someone encourage respect?
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You can disagree from where you stand, and it doesn’t matter one whit to me. I know my son, and I know what worked for him. 🤷 My first son didn’t get spanked because he didn’t need spanking. Every child is different and the parents find out what works and what doesn’t.

Don’t bother trying to argue with me, it will only hijack the thread and that’s not what the OP needs. If you have any constructive suggestions that come from YOUR OWN experience with YOUR OWN children, feel free to offer them.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You can disagree from where you stand, and it doesn’t matter one whit to me. I know my son, and I know what worked for him. 🤷 My first son didn’t get spanked because he didn’t need spanking. Every child is different and the parents find out what works and what doesn’t.

Don’t bother trying to argue with me, it will only hijack the thread and that’s not what the OP needs. If you have any constructive suggestions that come from YOUR OWN experience with YOUR OWN children, feel free to offer them.
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sorry, not trying to hijack. I’ll move on. Sorry OP! Yeah, I guess my advice to you would be don’t spank, especially not at that age.
 
We have had great success in changing our child’s diet. Many foods that have artificial colors (red-40, yellow-5, for example, are made from crude oil) can cause allergic reactions that manifest through outburst behavior.

We went on an elimination diet for 6 weeks using the Feingold Diet method. The diet centers around staying away from food with unnatural products, though there are some natural foods that are also known triggers for behavior issues. Google Feingold Diet to read more. I wish I had discovered it sooner.
 
We’ve found that tantrums are sometimes (not always) power plays that result from the kid feeling like he has no control over anything in his life. You can’t EVER give in to a tantrum, but you CAN allow them to remind you later that day to increase the number of times you purposely give the kid choices (this shirt or that shirt?, hot dog or macNcheese?). You can’t let them realize that the tantrum changed your behavior though. Keep it separate.

When we keep this mindset, we find that tantrums really only happen when the kids are overtired and letting them have SOME choices makes them pretty well behaved in the times when Mom & Dad put the foot down. (So far!)
 
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