Disciplining other people's children

[Millie123]

There is this 6 year old little girl who lives next door to us “Susie.” Susie’s mother is not involved in her life. She’s a drug addict, and her father is in prison. She lives with her single grandfather who quite frankly is old and tired and is not happy about the situation of having to raise a little girl basically by himself at his age. And it has been challenging at times to speak with him about her behavior.

I’ve had a few situations with suzie, where I felt it was necessary to very firmly, and boisterously tell her to stop.

Once I looked out my back window and I saw her in her backyard and she had found a dead squirrel in her yard. She had picked it up and was swinging it around by its tail. Once more in my community The plague (yes, I’m talking about the disease that killed off millions of people throughout Europe in the middle ages) has been found in my community’s squirrel population. I opened my window and yelled at her. “Suzie put that thing down right now” I then went outside and very firmly told her that I never want to see her pick up any animal like that again…it’s disgusting and it’ll make her sick.

Also in her backyard there is an electrical pole that supplies electricity to her house, my house, and several other area houses. I noticed that all of a sudden the electricity in my house was acting weird. I look outside and she was violently shaking a “guide wire” that was leaving the electrical pole into the ground. She was shaking the "“guide wire” violently to the point it was shaking branches of a tree next to the wire and the tree was violently shaking the actual live electrical line on the electrical pole. Looking at the situation I was afraid she was possibly going to cause damage to the electrical line and potentially get herself hurt. I ran outside and very firmly yelled at her “knock it off right now, don’t mess with electrical pole…you’re going to get hurt”

There are many other things but this is enough to talk about for now.

Like I said her grandfather is a challenge to talk to about her behavior. But I don’t feel like I can ignore these situations when they happen and I feel obligated to very firmly get her attention to get her to stop. In many ways I feel torn…Of course I would never lay a hand on her, but in many ways I feel like I am frequently disciplining a child that is not my own. Has anyone else faced,a situation like this before? And how do others handle bad behavior in other children?

 

[chevalier]

Well, necessity either makes right or does away with the need for one. Admonishment is also a corporeal work of mercy. It’s hard to blame you.

On the other hand, obviously, counting scores and assigning penalties would be stepping into the parents’ place.

 

[Loly_Maria]

I don’t think it’s right to discipline other people’s children, especially when they are on their own property. If I had children then I would be angry if my neighbour was doing this. It would be better to speak to her grandfather rather than speak to her.

 

[3DOCTORS]

She is obviously in need of more than her neglectful upbringing is giving her. She’s engaging in risky behavior, if only out of ingnorance, but if she was to mess with electrical lines she or someone else could get killed. I’m wondering if the authorities should know about some of this. I don’t know if it’s to the point of needing Child Protective Services, but I wonder if there’s a way, I don’t know, a police officer or firefighter or someone from the electrical company could come out and give a safety lesson - maybe as part of a block party event, so the one kid wouldn’t feel singled out but would learn some important things? Just throwing out an idea.

 

[DarkLight]

I agree with you 100%, it is not right to discipline other peoples children. With all Christian charity I don’t think this is discipline though.

This was my thought as well. A firm admonishment is not by itself discipline. Now, if the OP had said “put that squirrel down or I’ll come out and give you a spanking,” that would be inappropriate.

 

[Trident_H]

I think you are doing what is right. The girl needs guidance and you are there to guide her. If the neighbor might be annoyed at your intrusion he must surely understand your annoyance at his granddaughter’s behavior. It is not your fault you are being put in the position of saving her life and protecting her from harm.

So either built a bigger fence or expect to continue along with more of the same. Just remember though that one day she will grow up and she will either remember you fondly as that one person in her life who cared or she will remember you as the angry neighbor. It might not hurt to give her a popcicle once in a while (with her grandfather’s permission) when she is being good to remind her you have her best interest at heart.

 

[Allegra]

At six years old, neither playing with a dead animal nor a guide wire is something that I would consider extremely bad behavior. Obviously, at six years, a child has a lot more curiosity than background knowledge. I find it highly unlikely that this child was intentionally disrupting your power line or spreading the plague. She didn’t know that doing those things are dangerous, and so she needs someone to explain that to her. Telling her to stop doing something dangerous and explaining why it’s dangerous is not disciplining a child. You didn’t assign her a punishment or scold her or anything like that. It sounds like you may have possibly raised your voice more than necessary, however, it isn’t clear from your post if that was due to the distance between you or your being angry. I think telling the child to stop something dangerous, explaining why its dangerous, and telling her grandfather what you observed in order to make him aware is a perfectly reasonable course of action for a neighbor.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think it’s right to discipline other people’s children, especially when they are on their own property. If I had children then I would be angry if my neighbour was doing this. It would be better to speak to her grandfather rather than speak to her.

I would be angry if my neighbor noticed my daughter playing with a dead squirrel and rather than simply saying,

“Honey! Honey! Put that down! Sometimes animals die of very serious diseases that can be spread to people! I don’t want you to get sick! Why don’t you go in and wash your hands and tell your dad that there’s a dead animal in the yard so he can clean it up?”,

she proceeded to watch my kid cover herself with dead squirrel and wonder if she should bring it up at the subdivision meeting or just save time and call DFS.

 

[Isca]

I agree with you 100%, it is not right to discipline other peoples children. With all Christian charity I don’t think this is discipline though.

It is an act of kindness to tell a fellow human being of any age, that they are doing, or are about to do something dangerous that they may be unaware of.

The original poster is not correcting the little girl’s manners or sending her to the corner because she was having a tantrum. The original poster is alerting a young immature girl barely of kindergarten age that she is doing something dangerous. Playing around electrical wires and swinging around dead squirrels are not healthy things for unsupervised six-year olds and the original poster was right to do what she did in my opinion.

I think you are completely right.

 

[Loly_Maria]

Maybe different for each parent then, but I wouldn’t want a neighbour even talking with my child if I wasn’t with them (unless we were friends and they knew each other), and I definitely wouldn’t want them telling them what they can and can’t do. I would want the neighbour to come and speak to me about it.

Maybe OP could ask the girl’s grandfather if he minds her talking to the girl or not.

 

[Trident_H]

I would be angry if my neighbor noticed my daughter playing with a dead squirrel and rather than simply saying,

“Honey! Honey! Put that down! Sometimes animals die of very serious diseases that can be spread to people! I don’t want you to get sick! Why don’t you go in and wash your hands and tell your dad that there’s a dead animal in the yard so he can clean it up?”,

she proceeded to watch my kid cover herself with dead squirrel and wonder if she should bring it up at the subdivision meeting or just save time and call DFS.

I loved this lol!

 

[Millie123]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I just would also like to say that my admonishing this child is not the only interaction that we have her. I don’t want to sound like I’m just being mean to this little girl. I have a 5 year old son and we do invite her over into our yard and home to have playtime with my son. Sometimes we have good playdates with her and other times we just don’t. As far as speaking with the grandfather about some of these things as othere have suggested. I very often have a hard time engaging him about these issues, I’m not saying he doesnt care about her. I think that he is having a hard time at this point in his life, being attentive and engaged to her, at least the way she needs him to be.

 

[CB_Catholic]

I don’t think it’s right to discipline other people’s children, especially when they are on their own property. If I had children then I would be angry if my neighbour was doing this. It would be better to speak to her grandfather rather than speak to her.

If my neighbor saw my child doing something dangerous, I would be very upset if they did not stop him/her and they got hurt. I would rather they stop the child from harming themselves, and then come and tell me. I cannot imagine anyone would prefer the child continue the dangerous behavior while they tried to find the parent–it could be too late by then.

And I would thank the neighbor for caring enough to keep my child safe.

This is not disciplining a child. It is protecting them from harm (and maybe others, too).

 

[lax16]

I think you are doing what is right. The girl needs guidance and you are there to guide her. If the neighbor might be annoyed at your intrusion he must surely understand your annoyance at his granddaughter’s behavior. It is not your fault you are being put in the position of saving her life and protecting her from harm.

So either built a bigger fence or expect to continue along with more of the same. Just remember though that one day she will grow up and she will either remember you fondly as that one person in her life who cared or she will remember you as the angry neighbor. It might not hurt to give her a popcicle once in a while (with her grandfather’s permission) when she is being good to remind her you have her best interest at heart.

 

[lax16]

Maybe different for each parent then, but I wouldn’t want a neighbour even talking with my child if I wasn’t with them (unless we were friends and they knew each other), and I definitely wouldn’t want them telling them what they can and can’t do. I would want the neighbour to come and speak to me about it.

Maybe OP could ask the girl’s grandfather if he minds her talking to the girl or not.

What if a stranger stopped your toddler from choking on a hot dog at a fair or from running out in front a car while your head was turned? Would they need to check with you first?

Do you have children? As I am sure you know, they can move very quickly, even under the watchful eye of a caring mother.

 

[Loly_Maria]

If my neighbor saw my child doing something dangerous, I would be very upset if they did not stop him/her and they got hurt. I would rather they stop the child from harming themselves, and then come and tell me. I cannot imagine anyone would prefer the child continue the dangerous behavior while they tried to find the parent–it could be too late by then.

And I would thank the neighbor for caring enough to keep my child safe.

This is not disciplining a child. It is protecting them from harm (and maybe others, too).

It would depend what ‘dangerous’ is. If it was just playing with a dead animal then I don’t see that as a big enough reason to not talk to me instead.

What if a stranger stopped your toddler from choking on a hot dog at a fair or from running out in front a car while your head was turned? Would they need to check with you first?

Do you have children? As I am sure you know, they can move very quickly, even under the watchful eye of a caring mother.

That would be an emergency, which is different from a child playing in their garden.

I don’t have children.

 

[1990Domer]

I have mixed feelings about this situation. At times, my DS was disciplined by strangers in front of us because they thought I was being a poor parent. In truth, the people didn’t realize my son was on the autism spectrum and couldn’t control some of his behaviors.

This poor child is not receiving the proper parenting and supervision she needs. However, I think correcting her in a kind tone of voice–rather than a sharp tone of voice–will probably earn a lot of trust. Also, praise her if you do see her doing something well behaved. She may not get much of that.

 

[Allegra]

I have mixed feelings about this situation. At times, my DS was disciplined by strangers in front of us because they thought I was being a poor parent. In truth, the people didn’t realize my son was on the autism spectrum and couldn’t control some of his behaviors.

This poor child is not receiving the proper parenting and supervision she needs. However, I think correcting her in a kind tone of voice–rather than a sharp tone of voice–will probably earn a lot of trust. Also, praise her if you do see her doing something well behaved. She may not get much of that.

Was he disciplined or told to stop doing something dangerous or bothersome to others? If I say something to a child with their parents right there, it generally ought to be an indicator of the fact that they should have already said or done something themselves. Of course, I don’t bother other people if their kids aren’t causing an actual problem. But for example, I was on a train years ago and the lady behind me had a child who I would guess to be kindergarten age, who thought it was funny to keep reaching in between the seats and yanking my headphones cord and purse strap. After about three or four incidents of this with no intervention from the woman, I turned around and said in a very stern voice, “Knock it off!” And knock it off, the little snot did.

The mother passive aggressively got on her phone and told me off to whoever was on the other line. “How dare she talk to my son? I’m the mother and it’s my job to raise him!” And I called back to her, “Yeah, maybe you should get off the phone and get started on that!”

Now, I’m not saying that your kid was as bad as putting his hands on other people or their belongings. Quite possibly, whatever he was doing was really no one else’s business. My point is just that there DOES come a point where one’s rights are being infringed upon by other people’s lack of parenting initiative and if that parent doesn’t want the public telling their Special Treasure to “knock it off”, they had better get on with doing it themselves or not inflict them on the public in the first place.

 

[lax16]

It would depend what ‘dangerous’ is. If it was just playing with a dead animal then I don’t see that as a big enough reason to not talk to me instead.

The OP states that there was disease being spread from squirrels in the area.

That would be an emergency, which is different from a child playing in their garden.

Playing with electrical wires is also an emergency.

I don’t have children.

I have always appreciated when someone has given me a heads up about my kids. It doesn’t bother me at all, especially if they are in danger.

 

[CB_Catholic]

It would depend what ‘dangerous’ is. If it was just playing with a dead animal then I don’t see that as a big enough reason to not talk to me instead.

That would be an emergency, which is different from a child playing in their garden.

I don’t have children.

You do realize that dead animals are a health hazard and carry many diseases, including rabies. People can and do pick up all kinds of diseases, and as the lady indicated there is bubonic plague in rodents (squirrels are rodents) in her area. When experts remove dead animals, they take all kinds of precautions to prevent disease transmission. Animals carry ticks, and fleas, and parasites, all of which can transmit terrible diseases to human beings. Why would you think it’s ok for a kid to play with a dead animal??? And yes, this happens right here in the good old USA.