Discontinuation of spiritual direction

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MichaelAnonymous

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Hi everyone, I have received spiritual direction from a parish priest in the past 2 years, but right now I am thinking of discontinuation. The major reason is not because I don’t want one, but because I feel that he is not really caring about me and I seem to be an extra burden. I am feeling sad now, and don’t know what to do …

Sorry for speaking nonsense here.
 
You are not speaking nonsense this is just the place for a question like that. Have you tried talking to your priest? It may just be a case of he had had a lot on or is pre-occupied with something. Not to dismiss your concerns but I’m sure the priest has a lot of parishioners young and old and all asking the priest to help with there problems and issues. I would speak to him and see what he says
 
I agree with Chris-… also remember that not every teacher is for every student and every spiritual director not every directee. We’re all individuals. Hope this helps in some small way.
 
I just spoke to him through message and frankly told him what I thought. Finally we arranged a meeting in early April. However, I still have to see if I would like to find another one.

Well, a priest should not act like a janitor or ‘church keeper’ and only aims at delivering particular services to target audiences then get every task done as soon as possible. A priest should instead act ‘in persona Christi’ as he is ordained to perform Sacraments in the priesthood of Christ. But my feeling is that my spiritual director simply cares about getting tasks done and don’t care about other people’s lives (e.g. what I shared with him about my life).

My godmother said it is not attention-seeking to expect my spiritual director to have a more holistic understanding of my personality, not only through spiritual affairs I mention during our meetings but also my daily activities, study, work, and social interaction, which is in particular important for one discerning his future direction in life.

Sigh … all I can do is wait, pray, and let God lead my way …
 
It seems that your godmother has given you some less than helpful advice. Read information at the below link:

http://www.johnpaul2center.org/Lay-Formation/Spiritual-Direction.htm#FAQ13167_Q2

What is Spiritual Direction?

Spiritual direction is meeting with a trained and experienced director to reflect on how God is present and active in your life right now, and how God might be calling you into deeper relationship. God is the Director; the human director serves as the vessel through which the Spirit works to uncover and discover the Divine at work in your everyday experiences. The content of the direction session is simply your life: whatever aspect, story, or experience you feel moved to bring to prayer and reflection. You the seeker, your director, and the Holy Spirit meet in holy conversation so “you may have life and have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

Above all, your spiritual director listens and helps you to come clear about the hints and guesses, the invitations, and the “nudgings” of the Spirit in your life. He/she helps you to be aware, to notice, to “wake up” to the spiritual relationship you have with God. Your director may help you with discernment, spiritual practices, methods of prayer, and at times suggest scripture and other spiritual reading that may enlighten your path. He/she is present as a compassionate, and respectful witness to the joys and sorrows of your journey. Together you pray for that “closer walk” with God. Prayer is part of your session and your director continues to hold you in prayer between sessions.

What Spiritual Direction Is Not:

Spiritual direction is not psychotherapy, counseling, or any other type of therapy. It is not
a dependent relationship in which your director holds all the wisdom and answers to your
problems. Your director does not “tell you what to do”, but rather helps you to discern
what God may be calling you to be or to do. God is already at work in your life. You
come to your session ready to be still, and together with your director, in the presence of
the Holy Spirit, to listen to the truths of your story as God reveals God’s self through the
everyday happenings of your life.
There is a chance that you need to seek a counselor in addition to Spiritual Direction, more of a “Catholic Life Coach” or Catholic mentor type of relationship?

It also might be a good idea to ask your Diocese for a list of other qualified SDs in your area. The above link has a sort of “interview sheet” to help you determine if a specific SD is right for you.
 
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MichaelAnonymous said:
a priest should not act like a janitor or ‘church keeper’ and only aims at delivering particular services to target audiences then get every task done as soon as possible. A priest should instead act ‘in persona Christi’ as he is ordained to perform Sacraments in the priesthood of Christ. But my feeling is that my spiritual director simply cares about getting tasks done and don’t care about other people’s lives
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This is completely unfair.
Sadly, priests are stretched so thin these days that sometimes they have to be janitors and “Church keepers”.

Have you ever thought of asking him for there is something you can do to take the burden off of him so that he can be more attentive to the pastoral needs of his flock?

What about praying for more vocations, so that maybe he can get some help?
 
I do know that spiritual direction isn’t psychotherapy or counselling, but somehow I am not sure how telling him about my life outside of spiritual direction would compromise the fruits of spiritual direction per se.

There is no official list of spiritual directors in my diocese. Nor are there any Catholic life mentorship programmes.
 
I do know that Vocations are scarce and priests have their own limits, so I always pray for more Vocations. However, I don’t think it is ‘completely unfair’ to have such expectation on our priests. Is it possible, for instance, that we tolerate more medical blunders because doctors are stretched so thin these days and it’s flu season? Tolerance is one thing, but you should try to get the job done as long as it is your duty.

And it is certainly the attitude that matters more than what one has done. A priest might not have the time to listen carefully everyone’s concerns and tend to them, but at least he should not be so self-centered as to banish the flock away outside office hours and simply show up in selected events of families or model Catholics that he favors.

This article speaks how I feel:
https://cruxnow.com/vatican/2018/01/30/jesus-always-available-need-pope-says/
 
I don’t know if this will help you in any way, but I had a similar issue with my own spiritual director. He’s very good about making time for me, is kind, and has the patience of a saint (people dealing with me do tend to need some level of patience - I’m very shy and getting personal details of my spiritual life is probably a bit like pulling teeth).

Despite his patience and good humor, I did not get the impression that he particularly cared for me. He seemed to forget things that I told him and asked some of the same questions repeatedly. One day, outside of spiritual direction, he was in a position where he was assigning tasks to different people and it became apparent that he didn’t know my name. I was hurt at the thought that I was sharing my spiritual journey with someone who hadn’t bothered to learn my name.

God had mercy on me and sent a friend who takes a lot of interest in my discernment. For a time, I compared my poor spiritual director against this friend, and found him wanting. Sadly, I held a grudge against him as a result.

Eventually, some level of decency got through my stubbornness. What did I ask of my spiritual director? I wanted him to help me grow in faith and discern God’s Will for my life. Was he doing that? Absolutely. 110%. Was it fair to ask him to remember every little thing I told him? No way. He has so many parishioners, so many things to worry about, that that would be ridiculous to expect. (I even realized later that the repeated questions were deliberate. They are how he’s keeping track of my spiritual growth). It wasn’t even entirely fair to ask him to know my name. My name is unusual, he is from a country where it is never used, and it’s only one of the many that go to him.

Eventually, I realized what I had in mind when I asked him to be my spiritual director was a combination of spiritual director and friend. But spiritual direction is a professional role. My spiritual director is doing everything he is supposed to and is a tremendous help. I am really quite blessed to have him. And if I want to share my spiritual journey with someone who has a particular interest - that’s what my friends are for. I had no reason to feel slighted by my spiritual director. He did nothing wrong.

Again, I don’t know if this helps you. If you feel that there are bad feelings between you, then maybe it’s best to change spiritual directors. But if I may suggest something, do something to show you appreciate what he’s done for you (you never know what’s going on outside spiritual direction. He may be offering many prayers on your behalf). Have a Mass said for him, give an hour in Eucharistic Adoration, volunteer at the parish - something like that. It may help him if he knows his efforts mean something to you.

Pray to God to know what is best. And ask Him to send you a spiritual friend.
 
Spiritual Direction can be done by phone, by letter, by email!
 
Wow!!! Your story is so timely! Your experience really echoes with me - quite similar in certain details - and we share similar grudges and expectations!

Sometimes I really treat him as one of my best friends or even treat him like Jesus (as he is a priest) or my elder brother - I harbor profound reverence to him.
 
I did think of this option, but somehow my spiritual director does not like reading my messages regardless of their content, be them spiritual or secular.
 
MichaelAnonymous said:
Sometimes I really treat him as one of my best friends or even treat him like Jesus (as he is a priest) or my elder brother - I harbor profound reverence to him.
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Been there, done that! 😂

Oh my poor priest, I’m glad he doesn’t know how I judged him!

Edited to add: I do still greatly revere priests and he has my total respect. I just changed my expectations a little.

Again, do pray for a spiritual friend. What you’re looking for does exist. That spiritual friend God sent me is also a priest, and he does treat me like he would his little sister.
 
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Wow - and your spiritual friend is a priest, haha … I guess whether or not a priest can fulfill the role of both spiritual director and friend is really about his personal disposition. Sigh …

How can one adjust his expectation for spiritual direction?

I guess perhaps my spiritual director is a bit too young and inexperienced - he was ordained around three years, came from a strongly religious family, was deeply involved in parish activities, and had little to no working experience after college graduation.
 
MichaelAnonymous said:
I guess whether or not a priest can fulfill the role of both spiritual director and friend is really about his personal disposition.
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I guess it probably is. But people care in different ways. I’m not very demonstrative of my feelings (an area I need to improve on) so much of my caring comes across in very subtle ways. In this regard, I’m probably more like my spiritual director than my friend.
MichaelAnonymous said:
How can one adjust his expectation for spiritual direction?
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That took time, even when I realized it had to be done. I had to forgive him for not being what I’d hoped for and confess holding a grudge (edited to add: in Confession. I never told him personally. There was no reason to hurt his feelings, especially since he did nothing wrong). Actually, I felt sooo much better after that. But it took time to reach that point. I started by making what I’d call “acts of mercy” - extra prayers for him that I filled with good will instead of my grudge.
MichaelAnonymous said:
I guess perhaps my spiritual director is a bit too young and inexperienced - he was ordained around three years, came from a strongly religious family, was deeply involved in parish activities, and had little to no working experience after college graduation.
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It’s a possibility. Both priests that I’ve referred to were ordained in the last five years. But I think the friend had a much harder time making the seminary possible. He was forced to be dependent on the kindness of total strangers in ways that my spiritual director wasn’t, so maybe that experience had something to do with it? I don’t know, maybe it’s just his personality. Maybe certain personalities are better suited for certain ministries. But I could never say that my spiritual friend is holier than my spiritual director - I would never dare make such a judgement. Both priests impress me with their holiness. They’re just - different 🙂
 
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I think your concerns are valid. My first piece of advice is to discern your spiritual director as you would any other important matter. He may not be right for you, and you may not be right for him. Director-directee relationships are a two-way street, and both parties have to make a mutual discernment. If he’s not right for you, then he’s not right for you. And he shouldn’t tak that personally. Likewise, if he were to tell you that he feels you would be better off with someone else, don’t take that personally either. It has to work both ways.

Secondly, it’s usually very hard to have a parish priest as a spiritual director. Parish priests really are pulled in many, many directions by their parishioners, by their bishop, by the parish financial office and other parish employees that need his (name removed by moderator)ut on management decisions, and even worse if there’s another ministry attached to the parish like a school. So, while there are great parish priests who are spiritual directors, you may be better off looking for Religious brothers or sisters, or senio/retired priests, many religious congregations have retreat centers where their specialty is giving retreats and spiritual direction. And often, those have even received specialized training in spiritual direction.

See how your next meeting goes after discussing your concerns with him.

Just my thoughts
 
Thank you very much for your advice. I shall try talking to my spiritual director next time and see how he thinks.
 
Just wanted to add, from someone who has searched their entire lives (okay since I was nine) for spiritual direction, it’s extremely rare and precious. I have found two that led me in the rightly direction, one was a Lutheran pastor, the other an Eastern Orthodox monk 🙂 they would both make great saints.

I have found Catholic priests non-existent (my local parish had no priest for two years) unavailable for appointments, and flat out telling me no one does spiritual direction.

So, like when I was a child, I turned to what I had, talking to God, reading scripture, I read about the saints (St. Faustina’s words in her diary and St. John of the Cross!).

Even retired priests are stretched thin in my local diocese, filling in for sick or vacationing priests (they do need this).

It’s a hopeless situation, a crisis. so treasure what paltry guidance you do have. It is being meted out very thinly in these last days.
 
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