Discovered That My DW Is Having An Affair-Now What?

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bkoz

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My wife of 16 years is having an affair. She does not yet know that I know. What do I do now?
Bit of background: We have 5 kids ages 13 down to 6. My wife and I are VERY devout in our faith and VERY involved in the church. Our church probably has what you would call an “inner circle”, and we are in it. These are the strong upstanding pillars of the local faith community. That is why it is so hard to believe. If people found out they would be absolutely floored. It would be like when we found out about Fr. Corapi. It would be that much of a shock. I am absolutely devastated and need advice on what to do.
 
I can imagine how hurt and maybe angry you must feel. However, try to look at it from this point of view:
  1. Why now? (you need to know her reasons however wrong they may be)
2.How long has this gone on? (This may give you an idea of just when things started to go wrong)
  1. How is her attitude towards me? Does she still love and appreciate me? (Is it a weakness or is she deliberately trying to hurt our marriage? If she loves you, you’ll know)
  2. Has my attitude to her and the family been one of love and affection, taking the responsibility of a father in the home? (just how much of this is my fault?)
  3. Who is this person, and what could have attracted her to him? (maybe she has needs that she doesn’t get from you or the family)
  4. What would be her reaction if she knew I had discovered her infidelity? (helps you know if you can manage the situation effectively)
  5. What would it take for me to forgive her? (Can you still trust her, love her as Christ loves you? Are you willing to let time and prayer heal?)
  6. Can we talk about this and maybe resolve it? (same as 6. But more emphasis on getting her to admit her guilt and go to confession)
9.What have her attempts been to hide this? Are there any other sins involved? (lying, stealing, sacrilege in communion?)

You can think about this calmly, and come to useful conclusions. The idea is to save your marriage, restore dignity to your wife, save her from public disgrace and scandal (think of St. Joseph when he heard that Mary was pregnant). He tried to put her away QUIETLY but he wasn’t tied with an indivisible bond to her. You are bound to your wife for life, so please try to fix this quietly.

As for your bleeding heart, don’t hesitate to let it bleed. Don’t store up resentment and pain in your heart. Cry to Jesus - weep if you need to - but with his grace, you’ll heal and you’ll find a new heart to love her with. You feel betrayed now, but think how many times you have yourself been the betrayer to Jesus, and you’ll see that you too can forgive.
May God lead you through this trying time and grant your wife the grace of repentance. I’ll pray too.
 
bkoz,

I can’t imagine the devastation and anguish you must feel. The main advice I would give you is to try to forgive your wife and to save your marriage, but I am short on specifics as to how you should go about those things. I will pray for you and your wife.

Paul
 
Please do not ever feel that you “caused” her to cheat on you. There is no excuse for anyone to ever cheat on their spouse. She is the one that chose to cheat. If something was wrong, she is the one that chose to not fix the problem, but desert it and find something/one new. She is weak, and you must be the strong one.

And so now, you are the one scrambling to hold it all together.

Prayer is the glue. Even though your heart is in a million tiny pieces, continue to pray.
 
Contact Catholic Charities. You can get your counseling appointment set up ahead of time. When you talk to her let her know you have an appointment and that she is free to attend. This may be the best environment to bring many of these things up as there will be less conflict with a counselor in the room then without one. Also pray.
 
Likewise, I will pray for you and your family. My only advice is to worry first about your children, and not the scandal that may be an unfortunate bi-product of these circumstances.

Given that you are in your church’s “inner circle”, I would imagine you share a very strong relationship with your pastor. Seek his guidance, counsel, advice and assistance - that is what he is there for first and foremost!

How strong is your relationship with your in-laws? If the entire family is strong in faith, it generally holds that your in-laws would be supportive and may actually have some inclination as to why their daughter / sister may have strayed. Especially if the extended family includes godparents of your children, they are likely to be very supportive.

I honestly do not know what I would do in your situation. I have a terrific, loving and forgiving wife. I would be devastated if this was to happen in my marriage. That said, I do think my first thoughts would be for my children.

I’m sure you likely feel very alone and abandoned on some level - don’t even think it - you are most assuredly not alone!
 
I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. 😦

I think the next (obvious) step is you have to confront her…you need to figure out what exactly is going on and where she is in all of this. Does she want out of the marriage? Does she want you to forgive her? Next step is for the two of you to set an appointment up with your priest. Take it from there.

And pray like mad.

Marriages can survive infidelity. My marriage is living proof. It is not easy but it takes solid commitment from both spouses to get past it. You need to determine if your wife is up for the job. If she’s not, you can’t save your marriage alone…although I know from experience that God can work wonders and change hearts.
 
I have known first hand the horror of this kind of thing. A good book, IMHO, is Love Must Be Tough, by James Dobson. He recommends finding a cousellor who is familiar with the book. The book focuses on divorce situations, where one spouse is working on the marriage while the other is running away from it. But he talks about adultery as well. Some good insights.

You may find when she is confronted that things work out well, she repents and you two work it out. But if not, this book’s insights and a counsellor who understands them, could save your marriage from disaster.

My own thoughts, is that adultery is a lie. It is the devil’s lie that this sinful relationship is somehow good. John speaks of the ‘lust of the eyes, pride of life’. We let our hearts be deceived by the allurement of another’s looks and personality, and it blinds us to all the good there is in our own family, and all the harm that will come from fracturing that family.

I agree with all the other advice given above as well.
 
That is a very sad situation. I am sorry

Before you confront I would simply advise that you check with a lawyer how best to protect yourself. Some states take into account infidelity in divorce proceedings, others don’t.

All of this is just in case because you really don’t know at this point what your wife’s plans are. She may plan on bleeding you dry and attempting to take your children out of your life.

My cousin went through all of this recently and the one thing that saved his involvement with his children was the evidence he had of infidelity.
 
I went through something very similar, which sadly ended in divorce. If you’d like to chat privately, PM me at your convenience.

My prayers are with you, and with your wife.
 
Irishmom2 said:
**Please do not ever feel that you “caused” her to cheat on you. There is no excuse for anyone to ever cheat on their spouse. She is the one that chose to cheat. If something was wrong, she is the one that chose to not fix the problem, but desert it and find something/one new. She is weak, and you must be the strong one.
**
And so now, you are the one scrambling to hold it all together.

Prayer is the glue. Even though your heart is in a million tiny pieces, continue to pray.
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👍 This. Yes, a marriage consists of 2 people, and many times there are problems that can contribute to a spouse cheating, but it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS a choice that one person makes without the consent or knowledge of the other. Just as no one makes another person commit suicide, or rob a bank, or commit murder. You do not deserve this, but you have it nonetheless to deal with. I’d go see your priest immediately, and then a lawyer. Protect yourself while you figure out what happens next.
 
Thanks for your comments. So much of her behavior can be explained by the fact that I believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Because of that our whole marriage has been extremely volatile. BPDs, because of genetics and environment have very underdeveloped emotional maturity. I have read that they have the emotional maturity of about a seven year old.

For my part, I have not been perfect, but by God’s grace, I have an incredible resolve and commitment and, yes, even an incredible love for my wife. That has never changed even though at for the past number of years she has had an absolute professed hatred for me. And she believes that I am dangerous and not to be trusted and that God has revealed that it is His will that she not be in relationship with me.
 
joanofarc2008 said:
Contact Catholic Charities. You can get your counseling appointment set up ahead of time. When you talk to her let her know you have an appointment and that she is free to attend. This may be the best environment to bring many of these things up as there will be less conflict with a counselor in the room then without one. Also pray.
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She has absolutely refused to go to any counseling or retrovaille or anything that might actually help us resolve any of the many issues other that the adultry. I have little hope for that unless I can create some kind of leverage out of I approach this situation.
 
bkoz said:
. It would be that much of a shock. I am absolutely devastated and need advice on what to do.
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first make very sure you are right, and not misinterpreting something you have seen or heard

second, see your priest.
 
puzzleannie said:
first make very sure you are right, and not misinterpreting something you have seen or heard

second, see your priest.
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Changed the label in her cell phone to make it look like his number is actually one of her girlfriend’s, 1175 text messages back and forth over the last 3 weeks (including while she is laying next to me in bed), 5 hours of phone conversations, left our 8 and 6 year old daughters home alone for 4 1/2 hours to take him to the doctors. She brought home the DVD of Bridges of Madison County (on his recomendation according to a TM I saw). All of this within tha last few weeks. And it goes back to November 2011. She is very good about keeping her cell phone close at hand and immedialty deleting TMs, but I have seen a few that make me want to puke. I finally began checking cell phone records and uncovered her lies.
 
A hard situation… from what you describe, perhaps there is some hope that this infatuation has not been consummated. If she is devout otherwise, maybe the actual act of adultery would be “too far.” Hope and pray for the best.

As for the parish, of course, the way to proceed is privately with her first, you should in justice and charity confront her lovingly and calmly with your suspicions and evidence. Counselling, preferably with a good priest, would be next if she will. If she denies it all or won’t try to repair the marriage, then your choice is simple: live with the situation or consider a separation/ civil divorce. The pastor should be the first to know if you go that route, so he can prepare people discreetly for the fallout.

The fallout at the parish will hurt, but the fault is clearly hers if she will not peaceably reconcile with you.

Best of luck, may St. Joseph guide and pray you and your family.
 
I feel like I need help with planning the confrontation and what I would like the steps to reconciliation to be. Also, what the consequences of not attempting would be. Should I meet first individually with a priest. Would it be best if it was our parish priest since we are under his leadership or perhaps a priest from another parish (there is a preist in a neighboring parish who be both like alot)? Which would be best?
 
After hearing more details…leaving an 8 & 6 year old home along for 4 hours? You need to consult an attorney NOW.

I’m not saying you need to file for divorce but if it goes in that direction, you need to make sure your children are protected. She sounds seriously unstable.
 
masondoggy said:
After hearing more details…**leaving an 8 & 6 year old home alone for 4 hours? You need to consult an attorney NOW. **

I’m not saying you need to file for divorce but if it goes in that direction, you need to make sure your children are protected. She sounds seriously unstable.
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That alone would more than likely case me to kick my husband out of the house, let alone infidelity. There is no excuse for child neglect! None!

:mad:
 
Bkoz,
I am so sorry for you pain, my wife – over 15 years – also was having an affair, for over a year and a half. She would write e-mails to him saying she loved him and wanted to marry him also. The other guy was also married at the time, and she wanted him to leave his wife for her. We were in counseling because of issues we were having, and she was still carrying on the affair. I found out by checking her e-mail, and that was the end of our marriage, I am divorcing her. That is my choice, I WILL forgive her, but I will never trust her again. Once the divorce is final I will apply for an annulment.

But the thing to remember is, and someone posted it – it is not your fault. Flat out, she knows what God and Jesus teach us and in my opinion she has rejected God! It does not matter how she “acts or pretends” to be in Church her actions show that she has no respect for God, you or your children. What happens if she “catches” something and brings it home to you and your children, or she decides as my wife wanted that she wants to marry the other guy?

What you really need to do is **CONFRONT **her! If you do not then you are enabling her to continue in this very sinful act. As is she has broken 2 commandments: Not to covet thy neighbor’s spouse, and not to commit adultery.

It is very kind for others to say “I never had this happen to me but it it did I would do . . “, unless you experience something this awful you will never understand the pain and betrayal. But you mush Confront her on this.

I will pray for you and your children.

Winter.
 
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