Discovery or Masturbation

[JackieMom]

I’m afraid I will have to disagree with you here.

Looking back on my life now, I really, really wish my parents had taught me about the morality of this issue. If this isn’t dealt with, it will turn into a huge mess. Don’t make it sound like it is his choice - it’s not. Once he knows that it is a mortal sin, he is fully responsible for his actions. If he chooses to do it again, he is choosing to separate himself from God, and I won’t be the first to tell you that this is never, EVER a thing that can just be said to be “a choice”.

To the asker: As a parent, it is your job to protect him from the dangers of this world and show him the truth. If this means that you have to strip him of all privacy, do it. If this means that he cannot even be alone at night, do it. Do whatever it takes to prevent this from becoming a habit and/or leading to pornography or worse. I wish that I was never given those times to be alone. Once my parents had a suspicion (which they eventually did), they should have done everything to stop it. They should have taken away my ipod, my computer, made me sleep in a room with another person, time my showers, whatever it would have taken to stop me. Now I am having to live with my life with horrible tendencies and temptations. Everyday I struggle with this problem that started four years ago. For four years I have struggled with masturbation, pornography, even just looking at people. I have led myself into my own hell.

Now, I’m not saying my parents were at fault - they didn’t know. In fact, I took very special care that they didn’t know. But you know. And now that you do, you are responsible for helping him out of this hole he is digging himself. For me, I didn’t even know what I was doing was really wrong, but I did know somehow that I had to keep it a secret. Now that it is no longer a secret for you, please, please help him. He will dig his own grave, and the devil has made it so easy these days. You need to show him the truth about sexuality and keep a very close eye on him in order to make sure that this never, ever happens again.

I wish you the best and pray that God gives you the strength to do this,
Timothy Garber

I don’t know why you are “afraid” you have to disagree with me. I did not tell the OP to present masturbation as a valid choice. I told her to explain to her son what the act is and why it is a poor choice. Having said that, she cannot follow him into the restroom, his bed, the shower… She cannot stop him from masturbating. She can only provide pertinent information to her son, and hope and pray that he hears it and obeys it. Please re-read my posts. Never did I indicate that masturbation is acceptable.

On another note, you are incorrect that once he knows that masturbation is a sin he is fully culpable to God for it. God takes into account many factors when determining one’s culpability for sin. For example, someone with a compulsive habit may be less culpable, and certainly a child of 12 has very different decision-making and reasoning skills than a grown man. And God understands this.

 

[Jennifoo]

Wait, your thinking I am someone playing games… I am a single mom to a son who is 12. I lost my husband in a car accident 3 years ago and I can tell you that the past three years has been very diffifult for me. I started to attend bible studies and church as I needed an outlet and I found God. I am building a strong relationship with God so I came here to discuss an issue where I don’t know who to turn too…

Your here trying to say that I am some pervert who doesn’t have anything better to do with her time but make up a story about her son…

I think you need to refocus on yourself and stop assuming things

Those of us who have been on CAF can tell you that we get quite a lot of trolls, who post things like this. We’re not trying to upset you- it’s just that we’ve seen trolls so often.:yup:

The best way to prove you’re not a troll is to remain on CAF, follow the rules and contribute as best you can, according to your situation.

I think the other posters are giving you some really good advice.

Sorry about your husband.:console:

 

[Timothy_Garber]

I don’t know why you are “afraid” you have to disagree with me. I did not tell the OP to present masturbation as a valid choice. I told her to explain to her son what the act is and why it is a poor choice. Having said that, she cannot follow him into the restroom, his bed, the shower… She cannot stop him from masturbating. She can only provide pertinent information to her son, and hope and pray that he hears it and obeys it. Please re-read my posts. Never did I indicate that masturbation is acceptable.

On another note, you are incorrect that once he knows that masturbation is a sin he is fully culpable to God for it. God takes into account many factors when determining one’s culpability for sin. For example, someone with a compulsive habit may be less culpable, and certainly a child of 12 has very different decision-making and reasoning skills than a grown man. And God understands this.

I am sorry if I misunderstood you as saying that masturbation was a valid choice. In regard to what you did say, “she cannot stop him from masturbating”, this is true. In theory, he could always have an opportunity to masturbate. However, she should be doing more than just explaining to him that it is wrong - she should be taking an active position in making sure that he actually understands and can resist temptation.

Also, I believe a 12-year-old would be fully culpable for his sin once he knew it was wrong. Sure, I made some pretty stupid decisions when I was 12, not too long ago, but what I knew was wrong, I almost never did. Either way though, it is still a grave, disordered act and should be prevented from happening with haste.

 

[underacloud]

Those of us who have been on CAF can tell you that we get quite a lot of trolls, who post things like this. We’re not trying to upset you- it’s just that we’ve seen trolls so often.:yup:

The best way to prove you’re not a troll is to remain on CAF, follow the rules and contribute as best you can, according to your situation.

Why should anyone have to *prove *they’re not a troll?

Everyone should be given the presumption that they are not a troll. Real trolls are usually revealed in time. Meanwhile, authentic posters are ridiculed and offended when they are accused or suspected of being tolls.

To the OP, sorry to hear about your husband and now the difficulties of being a single mum raising a near-teenage boy. I honestly don’t have any advice to offer…my children are younger and I haven’t dealt with such issues as a parent. But as others have said, certainly don’t normalise or approve of such behaviour. I’m just not sure how you can approach talking about it…if you manage to work out a good way to do it, write a book so the rest of us can learn too!

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Looking back on my life now, I really, really wish my parents had taught me about the morality of this issue.** If this isn’t dealt with, it will turn into a huge mess.** Don’t make it sound like it is his choice - it’s not. Once he knows that it is a mortal sin, he is fully responsible for his actions. If he chooses to do it again, he is choosing to separate himself from God, and I won’t be the first to tell you that this is never, EVER a thing that can just be said to be “a choice”.

I second, third, fourth, twelfth, etc. this. You’ll be saving yourself a lot of headaches and heartache down the road if you can get this under control now. Our son is in his early 20’s and it’s a much bigger issue for us now than when he was in his early teens. At that point, we dealt with side issues such as porn and other areas of sexuality, but never openly discussing masturbation with him. It snowballed into a much larger issue, largely thanks to the cheerleading and encouragement of one of his friends, and continues to be a huge struggle. While I know it’s not everyone in our son’s generation, there are a sizable number for whom this isn’t just a “natural” thing but something to actively promote and discuss. It’s not just a daily part of their routine, but is practically one of their life goals to cram as much of it into their day as possible. It’s such a big, positive thing for two of his coworkers that they’ve gone as far as buying our son porn when they heard we were opposed to it and had thrown out what we’d found in his room. I guarantee that, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, it’s going to be a lot easier dealing with it now than several years from now when it’s an entrenched part of his personal outlooks and routine.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

The devil wants us to associate sexual sins with shame. We as parents need to resist doing so, which means that we must not expose our children to shame. The best way to do this is to encourage openness. We need to tell them that, even though we do not want them to sin, we want them to tell us if they are struggling with sin, so that we can “go through this together”.

Of course, a child needs to know that something like masturbation is sinful – but I imagine he already does. (Otherwise, why hide it?) The more important thing is that our children know that we are sinners, that we are HELPLESS before our sin, that we can only refrain from sin with God’s help.

There’s nothing shocking about masturbation. It’s the most ordinary and prosaic thing in the world. We find it shocking because the enemy has been messing with our minds. Put on the mind of Christ, and we’ll see that masturbation is perfectly ordinary.

But God doesn’t want us to be ordinary.

 

[GangGreen]

Masturbation is extremely easy to become habitual. It’s a sin that doesn’t harm anyone and can be done in private without anyone knowing. It’s probably the one of the easiest sins there is to commit. Once it becomes habitual, it becomes extremely difficult to stop. It can take many years to just kick the habit. I would definitely try to put a stop to it before it gets to that point.

 

[saramomof1]

Thank you, Thank you, thank you for sharing your opinion. I am still uptight about this and I prayed last night for God to give me the strength I need to approach my son. It seems that when I feel strong enough to open the discussion, I shut down as like its on the tip of my tongue.

I am outraged at my son for leaving his ejaculate on the coffee table, it’s something really gross that I don’t need to see.

I also don’t know if masturbation is really a sin especially at age 12.

 

[Robertanthony]

Thank you, Thank you, thank you for sharing your opinion. I am still uptight about this and I prayed last night for God to give me the strength I need to approach my son. It seems that when I feel strong enough to open the discussion, I shut down as like its on the tip of my tongue.

I am outraged at my son for leaving his ejaculate on the coffee table, it’s something really gross that I don’t need to see.

I also don’t know if masturbation is really a sin especially at age 12.

“Ejaculate” can be seen as something gross or it can be seen as a sign of your son’s fertility, a sign that, in due time, he’ll be able to procreate with a woman he loves and collaborate with God’s creation of a new soul. That’s the plan on paper. But the plans of mice and men (and God) often go astray. If we were in a society where sexual activity before you find a worthy partner and commit was discouraged, if kids didn’t grow up with inadequate parents, if peer pressure was about not giving in to sexual urges then it would be possible. The battle against masturbation is a lost cause. Being Christian nowadays is witnessing everything God meant pure and good to be corrupted and taken away from us one by one. We all know evil will go on increasing whereas good will go on decreasing until creation reaches a climax (no pun intended) and evil and good will clash powerfully. You wonder if masturbation is a sin at 12, a sin is sin no matter what, it is a deviation from God’s norm, what you probably mean is moral culpability. Immaturity, anxiety, force of habit (compulsion) all lessen the moral culpability of someone who uses his sexual function inappropriately (outside a commited relationship blessed by the Most High—>marriage). Having said that, now back to the ejaculate on the coffee table…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you, Thank you, thank you for sharing your opinion. I am still uptight about this and I prayed last night for God to give me the strength I need to approach my son. It seems that when I feel strong enough to open the discussion, I shut down as like its on the tip of my tongue.

I am outraged at my son for leaving his ejaculate on the coffee table, it’s something really gross that I don’t need to see.

I also don’t know if masturbation is really a sin especially at age 12.

If you get the idea across that it might NOT be a sin, guess who is going to keep masturbating until it becomes a REAL problem, as Gordon Sims posted? A 12 year old boy, once educated, can understand that what he is doing is a mortal sin.

Are you 100% certain he didn’t just hawk a lugie into the tissue? I’m thinking it sounds more like snot than ejaculate.

But regardless of that, you need to start talking to him about sexual things. In fact, you’re kind of late to the party. Get on it, and even if you are embarrassed, it passes. Think of him, he needs you.

 

[aemcpa]

Thank you, Thank you, thank you for sharing your opinion. I am still uptight about this and I prayed last night for God to give me the strength I need to approach my son. It seems that when I feel strong enough to open the discussion, I shut down as like its on the tip of my tongue.

I am outraged at my son for leaving his ejaculate on the coffee table, it’s something really gross that I don’t need to see.

I also don’t know if masturbation is really a sin especially at age 12.

Masturbation is the deliberate stimulation of the genitals for the purpose of deriving sexual pleasure outside of the marriage act. It is intrinsically evil, and always a sin. However, that deliberate sin is certainly not the only explanation for how a 12-year-old boy could wind up ejaculating.

 

[Robertanthony]

If you get the idea across that it might NOT be a sin, guess who is going to keep masturbating until it becomes a REAL problem, as Gordon Sims posted? A 12 year old boy, once educated, can understand that what he is doing is a mortal sin.

Are you 100% certain he didn’t just **hawk a lugie **into the tissue? I’m thinking it sounds more like snot than ejaculate.

But regardless of that, you need to start talking to him about sexual things. In fact, you’re kind of late to the party. Get on it, and even if you are embarrassed, it passes. Think of him, he needs you.

Wow this thread is not for the faint of heart.

 

[knightbird111]

Do all you can to confront your son about it and stop him. Masturbation destroys lives. It destroyed mine and I am 29 fighting to get out of it.

Masturbation opens doors to porn and all kinds of stuff like low self esteem etc…

Its a horrible addiction and extremely difficult to stop.

I am not even looking at porn yet masturbation still haunts me daily.

It can turn into a major obsessive compulsive behavior as it did with me. I started at 12

Any hint of anxiety or stress I would run to it. . Got so bad that my mind was totally wired to undress every single woman that passed by.

 

[JackieMom]

Do all you can to confront your son about it and stop him. Masturbation destroys lives. It destroyed mine and I am 29 fighting to get out of it.

Masturbation opens doors to porn and all kinds of stuff like low self esteem etc…

Its a horrible addiction and extremely difficult to stop.

I am not even looking at porn yet masturbation still haunts me daily.

It can turn into a major obsessive compulsive behavior as it did with me. I started at 12

Any hint of anxiety or stress I would run to it. . Got so bad that my mind was totally wired to undress every single woman that passed by.

That is awful and I am really sorry that has been your experience. Having said that, no need to terrify this mother with “worst case scenarios.” Even most people who do not see a problem with masturbating do not get to that point. Yes, she needs to discuss this topic with her son, and yes, she needs to share what our faith teaches about it - but she does not need to have visions of obsessive-compulsive, life-destroying masturbation addiction at this point in his life.

As a single mom, the OP really does walk a fine line. It would be pretty inappropriate to stage an all-out campaign to make sure her son never had any privacy, or if she continually grilled him about his private habits. Making a HUGE deal out of this could totally backfire, giving him body/sexuality shame and making him excessively secretive or even more drawn to the taboo. The goal is to open up an appropriate line of conversation that does not overstep into the creep territory.

 

[billcu1]

Why should anyone have to *prove *they’re not a troll?

Everyone should be given the presumption that they are not a troll. Real trolls are usually revealed in time. Meanwhile, authentic posters are ridiculed and offended when they are accused or suspected of being tolls.

To the OP, sorry to hear about your husband and now the difficulties of being a single mum raising a near-teenage boy. I honestly don’t have any advice to offer…my children are younger and I haven’t dealt with such issues as a parent. But as others have said, certainly don’t normalise or approve of such behaviour. I’m just not sure how you can approach talking about it…if you manage to work out a good way to do it, write a book so the rest of us can learn too!

I am used to USENET or newsgroups that aren’t moderated. I’ve been called a troll so many times that I think I’d live forever if I had a year for everytime accused. I guess I have a thick skin though. The best thing to do with trolls is to ignore them and they’ll go away. If someone calls you a troll, ignore them. Post what you want. This is just a web forum and no one can harm you. You don’t have to prove anything.

:grouphug:

 

[SuperLuigi]

Ok, so I guess I will ask this, is masturbation ok, especially if he is only 12 and probably doesn’t know any better… How can I explain that he needs to properly put his ejaculate in the garbage without embarrassing him

Well, don’t say it’s okay, it really isn’t. Does it happen a lot with male adolescents? Yes.

On some level, he needs to know what he did was wrong and that it is a sin that should be confessed, and trust me, priests are aware of much more graphic and explicit situations than this.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am used to USENET or newsgroups that aren’t moderated. I’ve been called a troll so many times that I think I’d live forever if I had a year for everytime accused. I guess I have a thick skin though. The best thing to do with trolls is to ignore them and they’ll go away. If someone calls you a troll, ignore them. Post what you want. This is just a web forum and no one can harm you. You don’t have to prove anything.

:grouphug:

Yet, no one ever ignores them and thus, they multiply.

 

[Jennifoo]

Why should anyone have to *prove *they’re not a troll?

Everyone should be given the presumption that they are not a troll. Real trolls are usually revealed in time. Meanwhile, authentic posters are ridiculed and offended when they are accused or suspected of being tolls.

To the OP, sorry to hear about your husband and now the difficulties of being a single mum raising a near-teenage boy. I honestly don’t have any advice to offer…my children are younger and I haven’t dealt with such issues as a parent. But as others have said, certainly don’t normalise or approve of such behaviour. I’m just not sure how you can approach talking about it…if you manage to work out a good way to do it, write a book so the rest of us can learn too!

We have to prove ourselves all the time- we show our ID at banks, when shopping, applying for jobs, etc. We have passwords and PIN numbers for that reason. On some websites such EWTN, if I ask a question, I am then required to (name removed by moderator)ut a code.

I worked in banking for about 7 years. I had to ID people all the time and offended quite a lot of people because I wasn’t willing to " take them at their word." I once caught someone kiting- it’s a type of account fraud- precisely because I was suspicious and saved the bank thousands of dollars.

Trolls are a continual problem on CAF and many other websites. Perhaps you haven’t seen them as much but they are common.

I have yet to see anyone ridiculed or offended because someone mistook them for a troll, and in this instance I think the poster that mentioned it was just joking.

I stand by what a said in stating that one proves one’s sincerity by sticking around, following the CAF rules and contributing as best as they are able. I fail to see anything offensive in that advice.

 

[abon12]

troll

 

[underacloud]

I have yet to see anyone ridiculed or offended because someone mistook them for a troll, and in this instance I think the poster that mentioned it was just joking.

You don’t think the OP was offended?

Did you see this…

Wait, your thinking I am someone playing games… I am a single mom to a son who is 12. I lost my husband in a car accident 3 years ago and I can tell you that the past three years has been very diffifult for me. I started to attend bible studies and church as I needed an outlet and I found God. I am building a strong relationship with God so I came here to discuss an issue where I don’t know who to turn too…

Your here trying to say that I am some pervert who doesn’t have anything better to do with her time but make up a story about her son…

I think you need to refocus on yourself and stop assuming things

We have to prove ourselves all the time- we show our ID at banks, when shopping, applying for jobs, etc. We have passwords and PIN numbers for that reason. On some websites such EWTN, if I ask a question, I am then required to (name removed by moderator)ut a code.

I worked in banking for about 7 years. I had to ID people all the time and offended quite a lot of people because I wasn’t willing to " take them at their word." I once caught someone kiting- it’s a type of account fraud- precisely because I was suspicious and saved the bank thousands of dollars.

Comparing posting on a forum to the security properly appropriate to banking is a stretch; it’s simply not a relevant comparison.

I’ll draw your attention to this comment in the catechism:

2478 To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:

We should always begin with the presumption that someone is *not *a troll. Any other approach goes against this principle above. One does not have to prove one’s sincerity before being taken at face value…good Catholics should assume sincerity until such an interpretation is no longer possible.

Consider these scanarios:

a) We assume someone is a troll and accuse them. If they are not a troll, they are greatly offended and possibly avoid coming to this forum again. That’s a pretty poor outcome and not in keeping with our faith.

b) We assume they are not a troll and answer their question. Even if they turn out to be a troll, other people may be interested in the answers given to the situation and nothing is lost by having the ensuing discussion. eg I have children who have not reached puberty yet and so I’m very interested in people’s approaches to the OP’s problem, and the general challenge of dealing with such issues.