Disheartened in marriage

[Kmal_mom]

I am in need of advise… I am married for 13 years, have 4 children and am finding myself having problems frequently in my marriage . My husband is unable to admit that he does anything wrong and in the 13 years we have been married I am always the one to reconnect the relationship by basically just “getting over it” - he very infrequently-- maybe 3 times has ever said “Im sorry” – and basically I feel he was under pressure because we went to a priest to talk about our marriage issues. - & i admit I am not always the greatest wife either but I do try… I tend to have anger that just builds up inside me. My husband is a great provider, goes to church on a weekly basis (we are both cradle Catholics),- he is not a bad terrible person… - the problem is our communication among other things. I tend to when voices start to raise back off & come back at a later time when tempers cool off… his family yells at each other -calls names…& then with no apologies or resolution to the problem ever being made and then just “forget” about it…as he is so good at doing…he has no problem then just turning joyful & going on about his business. I have a hard time without apologies to just go forward and be happy about it…my mind just wants to think, think think about it until we talk it through. So what happens is I apologize for what I do - or for what I think could have maybe hurt his feelings and end up being the one to go hug him or write him a note whatever to bring the relationship back… but how can I be happy & forgive him over & over without any remorse or feelings coming back? I have gone to a Christ Renews His Parish retreat - which has helped me turn the anger down & talk to God & pray about it…now it just saddens me. I have great girlfriends praying for us… & that same blessing that has kept me in my marriage is a source of contention for him & I because he feels I am stepping “out” of our marriage… I feel controlled… sometimes I question why God would put me with this man… he is unhappy with me I am unhappy… I also need help with that-- how do I stop questioning if God wanted me with him or If it was just what happened because I didn’t pray much prior to the last 5 years… Any resources or prayers anyone has would be appreciated… I am going to try to get him to go to the retroville weekend with me if I can…I am almost afraid to bring it up…How do I keep myself joyful in this for my kids?.. …Thanks for any help…

J

 

[Christy_Beth]

Couples counseling seems to be needed. And not just for a couple of times. The retreat weekend sounds good, but it can only go so far. It took 13 years for the problem to get this far. I’m not saying that it will take 13 years to fix, only that it will take time. Trust is needed along with the communication. I don’t know about him, but it sounds like you’ve lost trust and respect for him because of his behavior. Talk to your priest about the best way to handle it. If you can, it might be possible to tell your husband face to face how you feel. But be cautious.

 

[Xantippe]

“his family yells at each other -calls names…& then with no apologies or resolution to the problem ever being made and then just “forget” about it…as he is so good at doing…he has no problem then just turning joyful & going on about his business. I have a hard time without apologies to just go forward and be happy about it…my mind just wants to think, think think about it until we talk it through. So what happens is I apologize for what I do - or for what I think could have maybe hurt his feelings and end up being the one to go hug him or write him a note whatever to bring the relationship back… but how can I be happy & forgive him over & over without any remorse or feelings coming back?”

Your husband reminds me of my dad. When I was growing up, he had a hot temper and would often fly off the handle, but once he was done being mad, he didn’t carry it around and brood about it. Once it was over, it was over. If your husband is like that, then that’s a positive feature. It’s not “forgetting” (in quotations), it’s really forgetting. That’s a good thing. I’m somewhat similar myself–once I’ve yelled at somebody and had my say, I don’t hold the thing against them anymore (although I may apologize).

I don’t know what to recommend, beyond just counseling. Your husband is not necessarily a bad person–it’s just that your communication and personality styles are not a natural fit. He’s going to have to change, and you’ll have to change, too.

 

[polki]

I wonder what has changed over the years that now you are blaming it on your communication styles? What I am saying is that you probably always had different communication styles but you still fell in love, got married and had children. Something that was working at one point, now is not. I think you both need to find that place again when you both accepted, loved, and trusted each other as you are. A third party, like a counsellor, would be able to help you with this.
The marriage encounter weekend would be good, but if your husband is resistant to that don’t get too discouraged. Maybe he’d feel more comfortable in a more one-on-one setting.

 

[Windmill]

Ask your husband if he feels fulfilled in the marriage. Ask him if he wants more out of the marriage. Ask him if he wants to gain skills to make that happen. If you approach it from more of a growth aspect than a “fix-it” aspect, he may be more open to counseling. I agree that it is going to take more than a weekend to fix, and you both have to admit that the power to work through the solution needs to come from outside yourselves. IOW, you need teachers to teach you communication skills, you need a third party to objectively assess your areas of strength and weakness, and you need God’s grace to motivate you to change.

He may feel like everything is fine because he is acting how his family acts - so it appears normal for him. But you need to tell him that you think your marriage can be better than his (and your) parents’ marriages.

 

[silentfactor80]

I am in need of advise… I am married for 13 years, have 4 children and am finding myself having problems frequently in my marriage . My husband is unable to admit that he does anything wrong and in the 13 years we have been married I am always the one to reconnect the relationship by basically just “getting over it” - he very infrequently-- maybe 3 times has ever said “Im sorry” – and basically I feel he was under pressure because we went to a priest to talk about our marriage issues. - & i admit I am not always the greatest wife either but I do try… I tend to have anger that just builds up inside me. My husband is a great provider, goes to church on a weekly basis (we are both cradle Catholics),- he is not a bad terrible person… - the problem is our communication among other things. I tend to when voices start to raise back off & come back at a later time when tempers cool off… his family yells at each other -calls names…& then with no apologies or resolution to the problem ever being made and then just “forget” about it…as he is so good at doing…he has no problem then just turning joyful & going on about his business. I have a hard time without apologies to just go forward and be happy about it…my mind just wants to think, think think about it until we talk it through. So what happens is I apologize for what I do - or for what I think could have maybe hurt his feelings and end up being the one to go hug him or write him a note whatever to bring the relationship back… but how can I be happy & forgive him over & over without any remorse or feelings coming back? I have gone to a Christ Renews His Parish retreat - which has helped me turn the anger down & talk to God & pray about it…now it just saddens me. I have great girlfriends praying for us… & that same blessing that has kept me in my marriage is a source of contention for him & I because he feels I am stepping “out” of our marriage… I feel controlled… sometimes I question why God would put me with this man… he is unhappy with me I am unhappy… I also need help with that-- how do I stop questioning if God wanted me with him or If it was just what happened because I didn’t pray much prior to the last 5 years… Any resources or prayers anyone has would be appreciated… I am going to try to get him to go to the retroville weekend with me if I can…I am almost afraid to bring it up…How do I keep myself joyful in this for my kids?.. …Thanks for any help…

J

Generally speaking guys don’t like having their guts spilled by women to other women. In every way a man makes himself vulnerable to a woman when he marries her. He expects her to respect that and not “leave the door to his heart open for the pickings.” It will make him uncomfortable to be around your friends because he will feel he is being judged by them. I would suggest sticking to a counselor or priest about airing your displeasure with your husband. If you can’t take your concerns about your husband to your husband then that is a problem.

 

[Kmal_mom]

Thank you - I will try the approach of improving rather than “fixing” method… he has told me in the past he doesn’t think it would help & they are just out for money… & yes my husband isn’t a bad person & I agree it would be great just to be able to forget things… unless I hurt someone with my words or actions… unfortunately no nothing has changed in our marriage… it has been like this since the beginning… It’s just that I am more mature & a lot stronger than I was when we first got married… I find myself getting depressed & sad from unresolved issues… & i cannot & will never be able to talk loud enough to get any of my voice heard… he just gets into a rant & no longer hears me… & I quit talking so it doesn’t escalate further… because it has started to effect our kids… then the next day “magic” everything is peachy… & i am angry & upset still & he can’t understand why I drag everything out so long… we don’t have problems-- I just do … is what I feel from him… I’m too sensitive is what he says & perhaps so…
I appreciate the advise about the girlfriends…I will watch that from now on. I had to have someone to lean on… it is a close set of friends… but I could see how that could make him feel like that though… I can’t handle this without talking to someone… I feel isolated… Thanks

 

[Kensho]

Sounds like different personality types to me. I am like you, I think, OP – I get upset and it takes me a while to wind down and not be upset anymore, and I need to talk about it. I tend to envy types like your husband for their emotional resilience (although our type also has its strengths). Have you ever explained to your husband when not in the middle of a passionate row that you have this need to come to a verbal resolution?

Xantippe is right, both of you will need to adjust your different styles of relating to each other. But this is not necessarily a bad thing. The fact that you were attracted to each other and not bothered by this doesn’t necessarily mean that anything was wrong, it could also mean that each of you with your different style fulfilled a need in the other. What can you learn from his way of bouncing back and not holding a grudge at all, and what can he learn from you? What is it about his style that attracted you to begin with? My husband is very different from me, too, and it helps me to remember when I get irritated about certain things to remember how those things looked to me in the beginning.

Please don’t get discouraged. I wish you and your dear husband the best.

 

[Kmal_mom]

Thank you much for your insight I guess trouble in marriage can be a growth opportunity–
I have definitely in the last 2 years gotten a lot more peace in prayer. I have started to go to adoration at times like this and it does seem to help me put it behind me… anyone have any prayers they use or scriptures I could maybe meditate on at these times?

 

[sweetpetunia]

I very highly recommend this book amazon.com/Your-Husband-Listen-Understanding-ebook/dp/B002BAPKX4/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

I haven’t read through the whole thing (yet!), but what I have read is heavily high-lighted because it contains so much insight into the male psyche and practical considerations for communicating with one’s husband in relation to that. It is an easy and fascinating read, and just has so much practical insight on how to use communication techniques that don’t have your husband shutting down. I like reading relationship books, and this is seriously one of the best

 

[HouseArrest]

“his family yells at each other -calls names…& then with no apologies or resolution to the problem ever being made and then just “forget” about it…as he is so good at doing…he has no problem then just turning joyful & going on about his business. I have a hard time without apologies to just go forward and be happy about it…my mind just wants to think, think think about it until we talk it through. So what happens is I apologize for what I do - or for what I think could have maybe hurt his feelings and end up being the one to go hug him or write him a note whatever to bring the relationship back… but how can I be happy & forgive him over & over without any remorse or feelings coming back?”

Your husband reminds me of my dad. When I was growing up, he had a hot temper and would often fly off the handle, but once he was done being mad, he didn’t carry it around and brood about it. Once it was over, it was over. If your husband is like that, then that’s a positive feature. It’s not “forgetting” (in quotations), it’s really forgetting. That’s a good thing. I’m somewhat similar myself–once I’ve yelled at somebody and had my say, I don’t hold the thing against them anymore (although I may apologize).

I don’t know what to recommend, beyond just counseling. Your husband is not necessarily a bad person–it’s just that your communication and personality styles are not a natural fit. He’s going to have to change, and you’ll have to change, too.

How about if he forgets before he yells? Do you really think it is a good thing for him to indulge himself in yelling at someone and then pull the plug before the other person reacts? I wouldn’t call that a good thing at all. He resolved his anger but she can’t resolve hers?

 

[shipwrkd]

I am in need of advise… I am married for 13 years, have 4 children and am finding myself having problems frequently in my marriage . My husband is unable to admit that he does anything wrong and in the 13 years we have been married I am always the one to reconnect the relationship by basically just “getting over it” - he very infrequently-- maybe 3 times has ever said “Im sorry” – and basically I feel he was under pressure because we went to a priest to talk about our marriage issues. - & i admit I am not always the greatest wife either but I do try… I tend to have anger that just builds up inside me. My husband is a great provider, goes to church on a weekly basis (we are both cradle Catholics),- he is not a bad terrible person… - the problem is our communication among other things. I tend to when voices start to raise back off & come back at a later time when tempers cool off… his family yells at each other -calls names…& then with no apologies or resolution to the problem ever being made and then just “forget” about it…as he is so good at doing…he has no problem then just turning joyful & going on about his business. I have a hard time without apologies to just go forward and be happy about it…my mind just wants to think, think think about it until we talk it through. So what happens is I apologize for what I do - or for what I think could have maybe hurt his feelings and end up being the one to go hug him or write him a note whatever to bring the relationship back… but how can I be happy & forgive him over & over without any remorse or feelings coming back? I have gone to a Christ Renews His Parish retreat - which has helped me turn the anger down & talk to God & pray about it…now it just saddens me. I have great girlfriends praying for us… & that same blessing that has kept me in my marriage is a source of contention for him & I because he feels I am stepping “out” of our marriage… I feel controlled… sometimes I question why God would put me with this man… he is unhappy with me I am unhappy… I also need help with that-- how do I stop questioning if God wanted me with him or If it was just what happened because I didn’t pray much prior to the last 5 years… Any resources or prayers anyone has would be appreciated… I am going to try to get him to go to the retroville weekend with me if I can…I am almost afraid to bring it up…How do I keep myself joyful in this for my kids?.. …Thanks for any help…

J

This may be of help to you retrouvaille.org/

 

[Xantippe]

HouseArrest,

I said they’d both have to change. What I think is good is that this type of person does forget after yelling. Let’s assume four possible personality permutations.

1. yells and broods
2. yells and forgets
3. doesn’t yell but broods
4. doesn’t yell and doesn’t brood

The fourth type is obviously the most morally desirable and the first type is the least morally desirable, but 2 and 3 are a toss-up, I think.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I absolutely agree with some of the replies you’ve already received.

I would also suggest writing letters to each other, or if he doesn’t like that idea, then you write letters to him. You can get your feelings out on paper, and then organize them into a letter to your husband. This way, you can truly communicate what you want to say, without trying to think about what you want to say, and put it into words, and respond to his replies to what you’ve said, all at the same time.

Write a loving letter to him about how it makes you feel when you don’t receive an apology for hurtful words. Try to avoid “you” statements, like “You hurt me and then don’t apologize for it. You make me feel…”; instead, stick to talking about you two as a team, like, “When we say mean things to each other, and there are no apologies later for those hurtful words, I feel…” Remember to include the positives, too: “When we do apologize to each other, I feel…”

Then, if he’s willing, let him read it, and give him time to process your words and feelings before you talk about it. But don’t use the letter as a way to try to get him to change–this is about trying to communicate, trying to share how you feel. It’s not “you against me,” it should be a reminder that you’re both on the same team, so remember to use loving words in your letters, too.

If he’s not willing to read and/or discuss it, then I would second the idea of looking for “more than words” and seeing an apology in his actions. Actually, I would second that idea, anyway, because some people may say “sorry,” but their actions show they don’t really mean it–while you apparently have a man who shows it, even if he doesn’t say it, and I think that’s better!

Will pray for you!

 

[Xantippe]

"I would second the idea of looking for “more than words” and seeing an apology in his actions. Actually, I would second that idea, anyway, because some people may say “sorry,” but their actions show they don’t really mean it–while you apparently have a man who shows it, even if he doesn’t say it, and I think that’s better! "

Yes, yes, yes!

 

[HouseArrest]

"I would second the idea of looking for “more than words” and seeing an apology in his actions. Actually, I would second that idea, anyway, because some people may say “sorry,” but their actions show they don’t really mean it–while you apparently have a man who shows it, even if he doesn’t say it, and I think that’s better! "

Yes, yes, yes!

Now that I’ll agree with.

 

[Serap]

“his family yells at each other -calls names…& then with no apologies or resolution to the problem ever being made and then just “forget” about it…as he is so good at doing…he has no problem then just turning joyful & going on about his business. I have a hard time without apologies to just go forward and be happy about it…my mind just wants to think, think think about it until we talk it through. So what happens is I apologize for what I do - or for what I think could have maybe hurt his feelings and end up being the one to go hug him or write him a note whatever to bring the relationship back… but how can I be happy & forgive him over & over without any remorse or feelings coming back?”

Your husband reminds me of my dad. When I was growing up, he had a hot temper and would often fly off the handle, but once he was done being mad, he didn’t carry it around and brood about it. Once it was over, it was over. If your husband is like that, then that’s a positive feature. It’s not “forgetting” (in quotations), it’s really forgetting. That’s a good thing. I’m somewhat similar myself–once I’ve yelled at somebody and had my say, I don’t hold the thing against them anymore (although I may apologize).

I don’t know what to recommend, beyond just counseling. Your husband is not necessarily a bad person–it’s just that your communication and personality styles are not a natural fit. He’s going to have to change, and you’ll have to change, too.

My husband is like this too. He blows up, spews out garbage and then it’s like nothing happened. Some people are just like that. They need a release…get it all out and then it’s gone.

A therapist once compared it to a balloon flying aroud the room and it’s losing it’s air. Eventually it just falls on the floor flat and out of air. Now when hubby is having a go at me, I literally visualize the balloon. It helps me.

 

[Serap]

Generally speaking guys don’t like having their guts spilled by women to other women. In every way a man makes himself vulnerable to a woman when he marries her. He expects her to respect that and not “leave the door to his heart open for the pickings.” It will make him uncomfortable to be around your friends because he will feel he is being judged by them. I would suggest sticking to a counselor or priest about airing your displeasure with your husband. If you can’t take your concerns about your husband to your husband then that is a problem.

I second this. Don’t talk to family either.

 

[Serap]

Thank you - I will try the approach of improving rather than “fixing” method… he has told me in the past he doesn’t think it would help & they are just out for money… & yes my husband isn’t a bad person & I agree it would be great just to be able to forget things… unless I hurt someone with my words or actions… unfortunately no nothing has changed in our marriage… it has been like this since the beginning… It’s just that I am more mature & a lot stronger than I was when we first got married… I find myself getting depressed & sad from unresolved issues… & i cannot & will never be able to talk loud enough to get any of my voice heard… he just gets into a rant & no longer hears me… & I quit talking so it doesn’t escalate further… because it has started to effect our kids… then the next day “magic” everything is peachy… & i am angry & upset still & he can’t understand why I drag everything out so long… we don’t have problems-- I just do … is what I feel from him… I’m too sensitive is what he says & perhaps so…
I appreciate the advise about the girlfriends…I will watch that from now on. I had to have someone to lean on… it is a close set of friends… but I could see how that could make him feel like that though… I can’t handle this without talking to someone… I feel isolated… Thanks

Try and find free couselling at your parish.

 

[Serap]

"I would second the idea of looking for “more than words” and seeing an apology in his actions. Actually, I would second that idea, anyway, because some people may say “sorry,” but their actions show they don’t really mean it–while you apparently have a man who shows it, even if he doesn’t say it, and I think that’s better! "

Yes, yes, yes!

I think this thread is about my husband!!! My hubby has a hard time saying sorry too.