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shipwrkd
Guest
This is a great post and the letter writing is the foundation of the Retrouvaille program. The main thing to know about feelings is that they are neither right nor wrong. They are just feelings and once they are out there the worst thing is to tell someone they shouldn’t feel that way. A better approach is to ask if there’s anyway you could make a negative feeling more positive. As for the apology, usually when I have something to apologize for, so does my wife and we BOTH really do want to apologize but it’s difficult for the husband to initiate it. If my wife starts with something like “I can see your feeling blue and I’m sorry about that, is there anything I can do to help”, we usually get to the root and both end up with an apology. To us guy’s, it’s like asking directions when driving…we just don’t do it because someone tells us we should. Communication is the key and writing a letter in private is a good way to do that. It’s also important to verify what each other is felling by asking for clarification and acknowledging your understanding. Good luck to you two!I absolutely agree with some of the replies you’ve already received.
I would also suggest writing letters to each other, or if he doesn’t like that idea, then you write letters to him. You can get your feelings out on paper, and then organize them into a letter to your husband. This way, you can truly communicate what you want to say, without trying to think about what you want to say, and put it into words, and respond to his replies to what you’ve said, all at the same time.
Write a loving letter to him about how it makes you feel when you don’t receive an apology for hurtful words. Try to avoid “you” statements, like “You hurt me and then don’t apologize for it. You make me feel…”; instead, stick to talking about you two as a team, like, “When we say mean things to each other, and there are no apologies later for those hurtful words, I feel…” Remember to include the positives, too: “When we do apologize to each other, I feel…”
Then, if he’s willing, let him read it, and give him time to process your words and feelings before you talk about it. But don’t use the letter as a way to try to get him to change–this is about trying to communicate, trying to share how you feel. It’s not “you against me,” it should be a reminder that you’re both on the same team, so remember to use loving words in your letters, too.
If he’s not willing to read and/or discuss it, then I would second the idea of looking for “more than words” and seeing an apology in his actions. Actually, I would second that idea, anyway, because some people may say “sorry,” but their actions show they don’t really mean it–while you apparently have a man who shows it, even if he doesn’t say it, and I think that’s better!
Will pray for you!
…just then the conversation is over…I think I will try the letters… I talked with him about counseling … he said he “would rather get papers drawn up” ( just said to hurt me-- he didn’t really mean it…defense move). He thinks no one else knows how to fix our issues…they just would pick apart the guy… I feel like a dog chasing his tail… He has agreed to do devotions with me… so if anyone has any suggestions on devotions meant for couples? I think that may be my only hope unless I demand more-- which is usually asking for more balloons flying around when dealing with my man… I love him… aghhhh!
) and my brothers are even more so.