Disheartened Returning Catholic - Cannot Receive Eucharist

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ksdindy

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I had been away from the church for many, many years and, seeking to fill a spiritual hole in my life, I was very excited to rejoin the church. I started attending mass again, went to confession, was taking the Eucharist, joined a “Returning Catholics Class”, and even put my application in to be a member of the K of C.

I thought I owed it to myself, as a cradle Catholic, to bone up on the Cathecism and literally was soul struck to find that because my wife, who is not Catholic, was previously married, and I, having never been married previously, married outside the church, cannot receive Holy Communion.

I didn’t even know this was a Catholic rule at the time. So now, we have to get her marriage annulled and she is really hesitant about doing it.

I understand the biblical reasons for marriage and divorce, but I really think it’s a spiritual punch in the stomach to find this out after the fact. Now, having been so joyous to return, feel like an outcast already. So, basically, the Church is saying that I should have never married my wife and, by doing so, am in a perpetual state of mortal sin regardless of my knowledge of this prior to our marriage.

Part of me is obviously very, very upset but, at the same time, I’m also very angry. So much so that I’m thinking of leaving the faith again and even pulling my child out of Catholic school.

I honestly don’t know what to do.
 
I’m in a very similar position. Just returned after 25 years “out there”, during which I married a non-baptized agnostic in a Unitarian church and have 3 beautiful daughters.

I’m in the process if finding out how to convalidate my marriage. My wife may or may not be amenable to the process - she’s not just agnostic, she’s solidly anti-catholic.

So I’m with you, there.

However, I personally am not angry. Catholic cannon is very old and very stable and it was I, not the church, who strayed. I’m living with the consequences of my decisions.

In my case, my marriage has been rocky for a long time, and I’m not 100% sure it will survive. But it has become very obvious to me that my relationship with God through the church is #1 in my life. If that becomes incompatible with my wife’s view of our marriage, then I will have to deal with her on her terms. But not at the cost of my own soul, and less importantly but more immediate, my own happiness. What awakened in me when I returned to the church will not be extinguised. I cannot “unknow” what I have learned since coming back.

Not sure if that helps provide a different perspective, but I feel your anguish because I’m there with you. It’s very difficult. I’ve decided that if my wife loves me deeply, she’ll sacrifice just enough to allow me to continue my journey back to Catholic life. In return, I’ll be the most respectful, loving, attentive husband and father I can possibly be.
 
It is not an easy religion to follow. I will be making a tough decision over the next year. Whether or not to remarry without an annulment. Even though I could not receive the sacraments, I would still go to mass. I just pray that it is not forever and that I could return fully to the church eventually.

I will keep you in your family in my prayers.
 
ksdindy said:
So, basically, the Church is saying that I should have never married my wife and, by doing so, am in a perpetual state of mortal sin regardless of my knowledge of this prior to our marriage.
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No, that is not what the Church is saying.

All things in their proper order. And it is squarely on you that you left the Church and did not do things in their proper order. BUT, that does not mean that it cannot be remedied.

First, you can continue to receive the Eucharist if you and your wife live in continence until the situation is sorted out. Have you talked to your pastor yet? If not, make an appointment to do so.
ksdindy said:
Part of me is obviously very, very upset but, at the same time, I’m also very angry. So much so that I’m thinking of leaving the faith again and even pulling my child out of Catholic school.

I honestly don’t know what to do.
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Leaving the Church is what got you where you are now. Ignoring the situation will not correct it. I understand that you are upset, but don’t you think a better solution would be owning up to your part in this and doing what it takes to be right with Christ once again?
 
I’m so sorry things lined up that way so that you felt so blindsided. Stay with it and trust God. I’m thinking that if you keep going to Mass, etc., and follow all the rules even without being able to receive the Sacraments, that your wife will see how important being in the true Church is, and she might end up much more willing to go through the process.
Your faith is being tested, and I believe you should trust God to work it out. He can do what seems impossible to us. It will also be a huge witness to your children for you to accept this sacrifice and stay with the Truth. Go to Adoration, and anything else that can strengthen your faith, and give you grace to be able to wait for God in this situation. He will help you, and work everything out for your salvation and His Glory.
 
I am cilvil Married… I did not know either that I could not get the eucharist… but if you go to confession and live chaste with your wife, you will be able to recieve it… I think its pressuring my wife to get married at the church faster, living chaste as a couple is not easy. It might help your wife when she see’s that you wont get in action with her until she gets an annulement. After that, you will be allowed to marry in the Church. Because your wife was not married in the Catholic church before, the church might not see her marriage as a ligitimate marriage and she might not need a annulement to mary you in the catholic church. Best thing is surely to ask your priest. Im sure you will figure something out. But don’t leave the chuch, it would be really wrong to do so. ‘‘If you believe only what you want in the scriptures, it’s not the scriptures you believe but yourself’’ (st-Augustine) Don’t give up and you will be rewarded greatly. I know its hard, but its worth it.

PS. i want to get married asap … but my wife is not yet ready according to her… im trying not to pressure her too much… even if i know we should do it fast.
 
ksdindy said:
I had been away from the church for many, many years and, seeking to fill a spiritual hole in my life, I was very excited to rejoin the church. I started attending mass again, went to confession, was taking the Eucharist, joined a “Returning Catholics Class”, and even put my application in to be a member of the K of C.

I thought I owed it to myself, as a cradle Catholic, to bone up on the Cathecism and literally was soul struck to find that because my wife, who is not Catholic, was previously married, and I, having never been married previously, married outside the church, cannot receive Holy Communion.

I didn’t even know this was a Catholic rule at the time. So now, we have to get her marriage annulled and she is really hesitant about doing it.

I understand the biblical reasons for marriage and divorce, but I really think it’s a spiritual punch in the stomach to find this out after the fact. Now, having been so joyous to return, feel like an outcast already. So, basically, the Church is saying that I should have never married my wife and, by doing so, am in a perpetual state of mortal sin regardless of my knowledge of this prior to our marriage.

Part of me is obviously very, very upset but, at the same time, I’m also very angry. So much so that I’m thinking of leaving the faith again and even pulling my child out of Catholic school.

I honestly don’t know what to do.
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I can understand being upset, but being angry at the Church does not seem reasonable. The Church never changed anything, it has had it’s marriage laws all along from Biblical times, but you at one time made the decision not to practice the Faith. So now it is up to you to learn what you neglected to learn all these years and start to practice the Faith. I think the one to be angry at is yourself, and I don’t say this to be mean,–I did not attend Church for many years and did not practice my faith, but I could not blame the Church for my lack of knowledge, when it was there all the time, waiting for me to come back. I could not be angry at the Church for it’s rules I did not like, I had to be angry at myself for not doing what was my responsibility.

Take it to the Lord in prayer. You are about to make one of the most important decisions in your life. Perhaps you could spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Remember that we are seeking to do God’s will, not our own, in our life. God bless you.
 
samuel_d said:
Because your wife was not married in the Catholic church before, the church might not see her marriage as a ligitimate marriage and she might not need a annulement to mary you in the catholic church.
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His wife is not a Catholic. Therefore, this is not an accurate statement about her marriage, unless her first husband was also a Catholic.
 
So I just found out my wife has not been baptized. Does this make an annulment easier?
 
ksdindy said:
So I just found out my wife has not been baptized. Does this make an annulment easier?
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I think it might. I also think that you need a good, faithful, well-informed person to help you with this. Not just anybody who thinks they know what is what. Ideally but not necessarily it should be a priest. There has to be someone around there who is capable to help you with the specifics, as details such as lack of baptism can prove to be critical. You may have to poke around a bit, which is frustrating, but since when is anything worthwhile easy? My prayers for your situation.
 
I think it would make it easier (I Think) but it would help to know what church she got married in or if it was a civil marriage…

I would recommend you order the CD : Catholic Teaching on Marriage and Annulements by Bishop Joseph Perry from Lighthouse Catholic media ( www.lighthousecatholicmedia.org )

It’s extremely informational and might help you find out what you can do
 
I guess I’m not really mad at the church by the way, it’s just I doubt very few cradle Catholics even know this rule exists. So far, none I’ve talked to have heard of it.

We’re meeting with a priest this week, but my real concern is what if we can’t get an annulment? What? Never again receive the Eucharist? Never receive penance? Live in a perpetual state of damnation or divorce my wife and leave my children? Those are the choices the church leaves me.
 
Look, just put these thoughts aside and wait until you meet the priest.

As for that last part, I have never heard anybody in these types of situations getting a divorce. I highly doubt the priest would suggest this. Everything I read so far discourages getting a divorce. After all, it would only make things worse and that’s not what the Church or rather, Christ wants.

Hang in there!
 
Those are the choices you have lsft yourself. The church did not leave them to you. Also this is a complex situation so you might want to contact the duocesan tribunal. My guess is you will find a way out. Also if you are looking for a quick fix where yoou just go sign a paperand its done that won’t happen. If it does remember the chur h id a DIVINELY appointrd institution.
Be assured of my prayers and stay positivd. Christ is with you.
 
sanctabellator said:
Those are the choices you have lsft yourself. The church did not leave them to you. Also this is a complex situation so you might want to contact the duocesan tribunal. My guess is you will find a way out. Also if you are looking for a quick fix where yoou just go sign a paperand its done that won’t happen. If it does remember the chur h id a DIVINELY appointrd institution.
Be assured of my prayers and stay positivd. Christ is with you.
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1, Those are ridiculous choices to have to make
  1. A sin forgotten is a sin forgiven. Had I never tried to enlighten myself by picking up a few books to increase my faith, I would have never been aware of this and, ergo by church doctrine, would not be living in mortal sin.
 
I agree with the overall advice to get advice from the competent authorities, particularly a priest and/or diocesan tribunal.
ksdindy said:
  1. A sin forgotten is a sin forgiven. Had I never tried to enlighten myself by picking up a few books to increase my faith, I would have never been aware of this and, ergo by church doctrine, would not be living in mortal sin.
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I agree. I am delighted to hear of your efforts and I hope and pray that this works out for the best for you and your wife.
 
ksdindy said:
1, Those are ridiculous choices to have to make
  1. A sin forgotten is a sin forgiven. Had I never tried to enlighten myself by picking up a few books to increase my faith, I would have never been aware of this and, ergo by church doctrine, would not be living in mortal sin.
Click to expand...
You have a ways to go. I truly hope you get there. It seems lime you are looking for a quick fix. Two lost virtues are of humity and obedience.
 
I want to reiterate this as one poster has said: you can live in continence until all the irregularities are fixed. You don’t have to leave your wife and kids.
 
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