Dishonesty enough to end marriage?

[chevalier]

Anullment was almost a foreign word to me until recently and certainly at the beginning of my marriage.

It should be because there’s no such thing as annulment of a sacramental marriage. The proper term is decree of nullity. Annulment means “making null”, which is an impossibility. It’s only possible to declare a marriage null if it actually is null. If it was contracted validly, it can’t become null later. Once valid always valid. So, the decree of nullity is not a canonical way of legitimatising or corroborating a divorce - the tribunal investigates the claim and either rules the marriage invalid, so the person is free to marry (I’m not saying “marry again” on purpose because if the marriage was null, then there was only an apperance of marriage, and a civil marriage does not affect sacramental or theological reality in any way), or upholds the marriage - which is the default option in a doubtful case.

Here is the sweet: He swept me off of my feet, was charming and a gentleman, handsome, extremely intelligent and painted the most wonderful portrait of himself as willing to be a faithful, trustworthy, honorable, honest and responsible companion to death do us part.

I’m sorry to hear that.

He has been unfaithful mentally, emotionally and physically. He thinks that withholding something is not the same as lying therefore perfectly acceptable. His philosophy is actually to never admit to anything, deny and make counter accusations.

That may make him incapable of marriage, but infidelity itself is not “grounds” for nullity because it happens after the wedding, not before. After the wedding nothing can make the marriage invalid - it can only drop hints as to whether it’s valid or not. If he lied already when marrying you or his mental dysfunctions started before your marriage, then chances are it’s null, or similarly in case of leading you into error on purpose. But if everything started only after marriage, then it’s valid.

I have compromised and lost so much and I can’t do it anymore. I too want an annulment once I do get the divorce so that I can be free of the what I feel is poison and dysfunction to me and my kids.

It’s fine to get a divorce because of that poison and dysfunction, but it doesn’t affect the validity of the marriage. The validity of the marriage is defined by how things looked when the marriage was being contracted (the point of wedding).

I am hoping that an annullment won’t be hard to get. I honestly did not know that you had to be divorced first. Is there anything in the meantime that the Catholic church can grant me that is the same as legal seperation would be?

Yes, separation exists in the Church as well. Here. As for divorce being required first, together with the use of the term “annulment”, it gives the impression that it’s simply a Catholic divorce. It’s not. The Church cannot “annul” a valid and sacramental marriage. Divorce is required by American dioceses to avoid being sued for causing a legal marriage to break down. It’s not a canon law requirement in any way. In fact, there have been cases (outside the US) when a marriage has been ruled invalid by the tribunal but divorce not granted by the state.

I know I must sound like I have dropped my basket and honestly, I feel like I have had a mental breakdown most days. I am so lonley and there is no one who can relate to me. As I sit here I am worried that I won’t even be able to function at work here in just a few hours. I can’t sleep, I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight and I’m having to live here with him until something is final. I have had to file bankruptcy because he told me he had been handling the finances last year and he had let things go to the point I could not save it. He has financially ruined me. I am so sick over this whole situation that I feel nauseated most days. Right now I’m so upset I could throw up.

I’m so sorry to hear that.

 

[chevalier]

I wish I could say something more soothing than that the marriage is either valid or not and there’s no getting an annulment, but on the other hand, you shouldn’t be given false hopes. If your marriage is invalid, the tribunal will almost certainly find it out and declare it null. If the tribunal finds your marriage valid, however, it will not be able to change that fact - though you can get a separation. A civil judge decides whether it’s right to end the marriage or not. Church tribunal judges find out whether the marriage is valid or invalid and doesn’t decide anything - they can’t allow a validly married person to remarry. They can only forbid a person incapable of marriage from marrying anyone again without the bishop’s permission. For example, if they found out that your husband were incapable of marriage, they would add the prohibition. But as I said, they can’t make you able to marry again if they find out that you’re validly, no matter what the husband did after the wedding. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.

 

[cecilia97]

The theory may not, but the theology should. For example, whether a marriage really ends or whether it does not, is a theological matter. A sacramental marriage never ends and it’s never dissolved once consummated. Obligations coming from that sacramental marriage remain even after the civil marriage is dissolved because the civil divorce does not affect the sacramental marriage. By the civil law, such a spouse is an ex. But sacramentally and under canon law, the person is not an ex, it’s the current - and until death. Therefore it is not proper to view a sacramental marriage as finished at any point both spouses live. This is not abstract theory, this is the reality. No amount of experience changes reality because experience is only a reflection of reality and does not constitute it. Similarly, in civil law, your experience with marriage does not change the binding marital laws or your civil estate. It only lets you know how things feel or contributes to your knowledge.

Yes, chevalier, I understand all that and that is why I’m currently seeking my own annulment. You’re preaching to the choir here.

 

[cecilia97]

isabell,

I’m praying for you. My advice: get through the divorce part, take care of yourself and the kids, and think about the nullity petition when you’re strong enough. You can’t start it without a divorce decree anyway. Pray about it…the petition itself is an emotional experience…healing but also hard on you while you’re writing it. You can get info at your diocese’s chancery or tribunal office.

I know this is unsolicited advice, but don’t give your husband all the financial assets just to get away from him. The house may be a different story since the future mortgage payments can be more of a curse than a blessing. But you had a financial stake in the marriage as much as he did. Get what’s yours.

hugs,

 

[puppylove]

My main advice to all who are going through divorce and/or annulment. Don’t start dating anyone until after the annulment is final… I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to date until the annulment was final and that was my biggest mistake.

 

[ltbpoe43]

Praying for all those going through this rough time.

Don’t forget to seek counseling if at all possible. Redemption and forgiveness are very powerful tools and can help those re-apply their committment of marriage to each other and seek to heal the damage done by dishonesty and poor judgement and behavior.

Good luck and God Bless and may you be guided and comforted through this troubled time by God’s love.

 

[mariam1976]

i am sorry you are going through this… and he seems to have placed you in very dire straits…
my only advice to you would be to cry and let it all out… crying is very cathartic and will allow you to heal… dont hold back your emotions or feel guilty about it… its all part of the healing process…
please go to some counselling or try to attend one of the divorcecare sessions… divorcecare.com…

it helped me a lot as i was able to connect with other people in the same situation and understand how much God loved me…

take care …