Disowning Family: emotional scars

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TeaBelle

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I have recently disowned my fathers family and my husbands family due to emotional scars and patterned disfunction. I have never once said an unkind word or been disrespectful to any of them, but like a good Catholic just taken their unkind words and acts for 43 years along with witnessing them emotionally abuse other family members while no one says or does anything to put a stop to this or defend those being abused. I have stayed away from them at all costs, answer phonecalls with fake feelings tiwards them, and feel it is sinful to hide behind southern etiquette and even lie to say it never even happened just to keep their “peace” and not confront their abusing patterns. UNTIL a line within me was crossed even after due warning was given, abuse specifically aimed at my mother took place not once but 3 times. I did not speak out until My dads 93yr old father just matter of factly informed my missionary father he was financially disowned with no explanation. My dad says its not my business and I’m not to bring it up and my mom is to offer it up as penance for their souls and continue to take their abuse like a good catholic martyr. I believe he was disowned so that my mother would not ever have their family money, but I am not allowed to ask.
My husbands family is no different, who we see for one day a year with no phone calls or even Christmas sentiment. But they feel no shame in demanding we pay hundreds $ for an anniversary party for them which my husband did out of “honor thy mother n father” and southern face obligation even after they came to our home for the one day per year visit and his father sat alone away from all of us refusing to even have polite visit. I did not attend their party and have told my family I am done with all of this fake family business. I feel it is a sinful disgrace and am treated better by strangers. I now feel uncontainable anger for which I am in counseling thru the catholic church. Tho my counselor tries to assures me it is okay to have cut down my family tree I cannot but still question if it is a SIN to have done so. Please share your thoughts on if this is sinful on my part to want no more of these “good catholic southern families” I am heartsick and broken beyond belief
 
Im upset over the way it is allowed that they mistreat everyone myself included but my mother specifically who they are most cruel to, and for having defended her, there is something wrong with me. It got so bad at their last visit that for the first time ever one of my cousins took my grandmother outside and told her it was enough. When I confronted her she says the abuse never happened and everyone loves my mom. My mom gets extreme anxiety when she is forced to b there, there is no love from any of these people. My husband and I have agreed that his family cannot be loving toward me and my daughters and it only causes us pain to b with them. He will have an “honor thy mother and father” only relationship with them himself. He has told his family that they must respect us all to have a relationship with him and for saying so, they have chosen not to talk with their son. I just cannot handle any more hatred hidden behind manners, and chose to b free of it and not partake. It hurts too much to be mistreated and lied about
 
It sounds like staying away from them is the best solution.
 
TeaBelle said:
Im upset over the way it is allowed that they mistreat everyone myself included but my mother specifically who they are most cruel to, and for having defended her, there is something wrong with me. It got so bad at their last visit that for the first time ever one of my cousins took my grandmother outside and told her it was enough. When I confronted her she says the abuse never happened and everyone loves my mom. My mom gets extreme anxiety when she is forced to b there, there is no love from any of these people. My husband and I have agreed that his family cannot be loving toward me and my daughters and it only causes us pain to b with them. He will have an “honor thy mother and father” only relationship with them himself. He has told his family that they must respect us all to have a relationship with him and for saying so, they have chosen not to talk with their son. I just cannot handle any more hatred hidden behind manners, and chose to b free of it and not partake. It hurts too much to be mistreated and lied about
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WOW! Sometimes it is best to stay away from people like that whether it is immediate family or inlaws. The best thing you can do is pray for them. Ask Christ to send his Holy Spirit to enlighten them to God’s Love and learn how to Love in Jesus’ name we pray! Amen! God Bless!
 
I hope that writing this down and reading it will help you to forgive and let go. Sometimes just getting it out there in the light goes a long way. I will pray for you. 🙂
 
No dear one its not a sin. It is understood that when a couple is married they
become one. Remember the forsaking all others part of the wedding vows, perhaps your husband has forgotten that part.Your husband and you and the children are the family and have been for some time now.

There is the 10 commandments yes, but even Jesus said
if they do ill (sin) speak to them about it twice. If they still refuse to stop then speak to them with 2 witnesses, then if they still don’t listen go to the church and if they still don’t change put them away from you. I’m sorry I cant recall what book in the bible that is in.

Your husband can Honor his parents by being polite and respectful to them when he speaks with them. And that can be just a phone call or letter, not a visit or a party. If they do visit it should be on neutral ground like McDonalds, or other fast food place, place not at
home.(Theirs or Yours) And that includes them seeing your parents, never at home.

He does not have to accept abuse from them or let them abuse you. He has done his part as a son, and the family order changed the day he got married. The two
of you should write up some ground rules both of you will follow in regards to this issue.
I’m sure the Priest would be happy to help with that.

I have dealt with a very abusive person for 23 yrs of my life, that ended 10 yrs ago. I understand your anger but there is happiness and peace waiting for you down the
path you are walking now. Walked it myself and yes its painful but the pain and anger doesn’t last forever.

God loves you and your husband and children. Do something fun together, be kind to yourself.
God bless you, Greatnana
 
I think you’re looking for this. It’s from Matthew 18.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
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Recall that Jesus spoke well of Gentiles at times and dined with tax collectors. But it was only the tax collector that changed his ways, Matthew the Apostle, that became part of Christ’s inner circle.
 
The_Bucket said:
I think you’re looking for this. It’s from Matthew 18.

Recall that Jesus spoke well of Gentiles at times and dined with tax collectors. But it was only the tax collector that changed his ways, Matthew the Apostle, that became part of Christ’s inner circle.
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I wish I had remembered that has I distanced myself from my family a few ago. Thank you for sharing.
 
Thank you Bucket, thats the one I was trying to remember. Thanks:)
 
Thankyou very much for the insight, this has been a huge struggle for me over a year now to let go. I have tried to always do what’s right and had never known anyone to walk away from family tho my counselor tells me it is common and im too hard on myself. It is a tremendous hurt to separate from them but at the same time would hurt worse to be with them. I honestly can’t take any more emotionally. My husband is agnostic and only laughs at how hypocritical all of us good Christian Catholics are supposed to forgive 7xs70. He says he stands by me but has since been able to let it go and says he doesn’t care anymore. I feel it’s good to forgive but in my heart Im needing to walk away from being hurt anymore or witnessing them hurt my parents. I haven’t asked my husband or children to stand with me and won’t stop anyone from a relationship with them, tho my grown children have on their own chosen to also walk away from the family recently, my fears grow that much blame will b placed upon me and I won’t b able to handle anymore grief. Your prayers are very much appreciated, Thankyou so much!
 
Been there, done that- and I’m sorry you’re going through it now! :hug1:
Not a sin. My confessor always gave me the “offer peace to all n the house… If peace does not come back to you, shake the dust from your sandal and move on…”

Will keep you and everyone who puts the “fun” in dysfunctional in my thoughts! ;):grouphug::grouphug:
 
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate someone’s bad behavior.

Those are two different things.

My husband and I actively avoid people in both of our families because they are toxic people and we don’t want to be around dysfunctional people and their drama. We might say “Hi” every couple of years and have a short visit, but that’s about it.

I met my in-laws five or so years after we got married and I **totally understand ** why my husband doesn’t want to have a relationship with them.

Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, but he never said that we should allow ourselves to be victims and doormats to prove how Christian we are.
 
TeaBelle said:
I have recently disowned my fathers family and my husbands family due to emotional scars and patterned disfunction. I have never once said an unkind word or been disrespectful to any of them, but like a good Catholic just taken their unkind words and acts for 43 years along with witnessing them emotionally abuse other family members while no one says or does anything to put a stop to this or defend those being abused.
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I don’t know where you get the idea that a good Catholic allows themself and the people around them to be abused.
 
That’s what I was raised to do. As children we were seen and not to b heard, as an adult still told its none of my business and that’s just how family is. My parents say it is penance and grandmother (who hasnt been to church in decades) preaches to me that I have no right to b angry with anyone because Jesus died for my sins and I apparently must just live with it like a good catholic and forgive 7xs70 with no one stopping the hate behind bad manners cycle. I don’t think this way and feel a huge disconnect and disgust for my family as well as toward my parents for allowing what seems to me as sin to allow such dysfunction to go on. I have walked away from them but feel they are guilting me and blaming me for feeling the way I do. I dont feel better than anyone just deeply hurt and ashamed to b a part of this family and guilty and alone for having these feelings. I honestly just don’t know how to process this emotionally or make sense of it intellectually.
 
TeaBelle said:
That’s what I was raised to do. As children we were seen and not to b heard, as an adult still told its none of my business and that’s just how family is. My parents say it is penance and grandmother (who hasnt been to church in decades) preaches to me that I have no right to b angry with anyone because Jesus died for my sins and I apparently must just live with it like a good catholic and forgive 7xs70 with no one stopping the hate behind bad manners cycle. I don’t think this way and feel a huge disconnect and disgust for my family as well as toward my parents for allowing what seems to me as sin to allow such dysfunction to go on. I have walked away from them but feel they are guilting me and blaming me for feeling the way I do. I dont feel better than anyone just deeply hurt and ashamed to b a part of this family and guilty and alone for having these feelings. I honestly just don’t know how to process this emotionally or make sense of it intellectually.
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And a woman will leave her father and mother and cling to her Husband and a Man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the 2 shall become 1.

I think with Respect comes Love. You don’t have to like them but you do have to respect them and they have to respect you as well, whether they do is on them. If they don’t then it is not your fault. Read the above This is all you should concern yourself with. Your Family. What God has joined together. And there is a saying that I have that sounds like you could use in your situation. " If someone don’t like it, May God Bless them" Then move on! Don’t let anyone drag you into despair. I read a book a long time ago… “Satan Steals your Goods then he steals your joy.” Point of the story Where your heart is there also lies your treasure. If he steals your goods which should be your gifts from God, your family, then he steal your joy. Once he has this then he has you in a vice. I find the devil uses family as a downfall first since they are the ones who can Love you the most or Hurt you the most. Pray for them before they hurt you while they hurt you and after they hurt you. Use the prayer Jesus said “Father forgive them for they know not what they do!” God Bless!
 
TeaBelle said:
That’s what I was raised to do. As children we were seen and not to b heard, as an adult still told its none of my business and that’s just how family is.
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What does that have to do with being Catholic?
 
TeaBelle, we are going through a somewhat similar process with my in-laws. My husband is finally tired of being part of the drama cycle some in his family creates. It took a really ugly scene for him to come to that realization about himself (recognizing his own part) but I am happy that he no longer wants to accept the abuse. My husband is studying for the permanent diaconate and so those family members that have “issues” with him throw that in his face all the time. However, after consulting with his director and many priests in our diocese he was told repeatedly to NOT allow his family to manipulate him in that manner. It is quite sad that his family does not know what healthy relationships entail, and that he himself has to unlearn so as to learn properly.

I had to do this with some in my family. You stated your issues, but you can’t make another change nor should you take the abuse. Reflect on your possible reactions that may have been wrong and work on learning and building a healthy way to communicate.

Someone on these forums recommended on a different thread the book, Boundaries. I have not read it, but have read the book Beyond Boundaries and it is EXCELLENT!!! If your husband was willing to read it with you it would help the two of you in your approaches to your families.
 
Thankyou I will read that and pray for your family as well. You know I feel as if my family saying to me its none of my business what they say or do, that I should forgive like Jesus did on the cross… Is like telling me Im supposed to witness and take their abuse silently like being crucified with Christ. So it’s ok for them to condemn and abuse and if I object, their fingers point at me to say I’m not a Christian if I don’t just take it silently and forgive, only to b subject to this cycle of insanity. I have always had boundaries and only recently had I confronted a relative that I would not take their insults at me or my family again. At that time I also apologized if in some way I had hurt them in anyway. And still the attacks only became worse to where I had to let them know I wished their family peace but would not have a further relationship with them any longer. They only called my father and lectured him on how I was not worth a response. My dad as usual offered it up as penance as if it never happened. To me he is not doing their soul or his parents souls any justice by knowing and allowing them to hurt our family especially my mom. How long do you watch someone beat a dog with a stick before you take the stick away and say no more? I feel wrong for thinking this way and just needing to hear if it is a sin to just not take anymore
 
TeaBelle said:
Thankyou I will read that and pray for your family as well. You know I feel as if my family saying to me its none of my business what they say or do, that I should forgive like Jesus did on the cross… Is like telling me Im supposed to witness and take their abuse silently like being crucified with Christ. So it’s ok for them to condemn and abuse and if I object, their fingers point at me to say I’m not a Christian if I don’t just take it silently and forgive, only to b subject to this cycle of insanity. I have always had boundaries and only recently had I confronted a relative that I would not take their insults at me or my family again. At that time I also apologized if in some way I had hurt them in anyway. And still the attacks only became worse to where I had to let them know I wished their family peace but would not have a further relationship with them any longer. They only called my father and lectured him on how I was not worth a response. My dad as usual offered it up as penance as if it never happened. To me he is not doing their soul or his parents souls any justice by knowing and allowing them to hurt our family especially my mom. How long do you watch someone beat a dog with a stick before you take the stick away and say no more? I feel wrong for thinking this way and just needing to hear if it is a sin to just not take anymore
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You are doing what is best for your soul. You cannot control other’s actions (including your parents) but it does hurt to watch the ones you love live emotionally unhealthy lives. Sometimes doing the right thing (like forgiving but also walking away) is painful. And remember, Christ did warn us that households would be against each other because of him. It would be great if families would all follow Christ to a T and respect each other, and some do, but for those of us who have family that are not this way, for our own protection, we can walk away temporarily or permanently depending on the severity and if the other person makes healthy changes.

And of course you are to forgive but that does not mean you go back for more abuse either. The two are separate. Think of it this way, a more extreme example. Say, a person sexually abused you as a child and served time in prison. Now you’re an adult with your own child. Should you forgive that person? Yes. Should you trust that person to be near your child? Heck NO!
 
TeaBelle said:
That’s what I was raised to do. As children we were seen and not to b heard, as an adult still told its none of my business and that’s just how family is. My parents say it is penance and grandmother (who hasnt been to church in decades) preaches to me that I have no right to b angry with anyone because Jesus died for my sins and I apparently must just live with it like a good catholic and forgive 7xs70 with no one stopping the hate behind bad manners cycle. I don’t think this way and feel a huge disconnect and disgust for my family as well as toward my parents for allowing what seems to me as sin to allow such dysfunction to go on. I have walked away from them but feel they are guilting me and blaming me for feeling the way I do. I dont feel better than anyone just deeply hurt and ashamed to b a part of this family and guilty and alone for having these feelings. I honestly just don’t know how to process this emotionally or make sense of it intellectually.
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You are not alone! You are not doing anything wrong taking care of yourself and your mother. I feel for you as I have been there, and admire you are finding the strength to so what you need to do. Try to give up your guilt to God, he understands more than anyone else. If your family is like mine they will never say they’re sorry or agree that they have done anything wrong, so please try not to waste your time waiting for that. There is NO making sense of crazy, mean people.

My suggestion to you is accept that you are very OK for what your are doing and God is with you every step of the way distancing yourself from those people. Be thankful He is giving you the courage to defend and take care of your mother, who I am sure deserve it. There are better things for you and your family ahead and life is way too short to let others get in our way of happiness. You are doing a good thing!!!
 
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