Dispensation - can you get one?

[momtomanykiddos]

I have five children, all born via c-section. My oldest is turning 11 next Wednesday, and my youngest just turned 2 on Feb. 1st. We also have a 5 year old son who was diagnosed with autism about a year and a half ago, which has taken an emotional/physical/financial tool on the whole family, not just my husband and I. I home school the older three for now as well, and my son with autism attends a half day program in the afternoon for services. He will start Kindergarten next year.

My question is, would it be possible for us to apply/ask for a dispensation for my husband to have a vasectomy? Or for me to get to my tubes tied, or something “permanent”? I ask this with great hesitation, because I am fully aware of the Church’s teaching on contraception and sterilization. However, during my last pregnancy, I was on hospitalized bed rest for over a month due to preterm labor that started at 34 weeks. The baby was delivered at 37 weeks as the scar from my previous sections was thinning (found via ultrasound). I have a wonderful pro life Catholic OBGYN, who said that while there were concerns medically, if we wanted to have more children we could. Bed rest would be involved, as well as shots to prevent pre term labor.

We are also in the middle of struggling to pay our house. We weren’t able to pay the mortgage twice last year, and it hurt us. The bank only helps so much because my husband “makes too much”. I would like to be able to work part time, but the issues of “will I get pregnant again” always looms over us.

I was nursing my daughter and just got my fertility back after 23 months post partum. My husband and I are never together for fear of pregnancy. We weren’t able to be together for the last half of my pregnancy because of pre term labor. While we don’t feel the need to be together all the time, the strain of never being together is very obvious and taking a huge toll on our marriage.

Charting is a huge challenge, mainly because my son with autism wakes up at all hours of the day and night, and usually one of us is getting him back in bed, cleaning up fecal matter off the floor/bed/sheets. So even if/when I take my temps, it’s not consistent.

We are exhausted trying to be faithful, and just want to be able to be together. It would help greatly to be able to express our love other than finding it something to fight off and overcome.

We could find a priest anywhere who could tell us to have something done. But I really want to know if there are certain circumstances where a dispensation could be given by the Church.

Thanks.

 

[bmullins]

I’m not sure the church gives out those sort of dispensations. It would set a very bad precedent. NFP is likely your best option, though inconvenient. There is always abstinence as well but that in and of itself is very difficult in a committed, loving marriage. The problem with dispensing in this case is that it would be the church saying, Its ok to sin. If we truly believe that sterilization is a sin, then the church couldn’t say “yeah, go ahead.” I don’t think any of us would say Hey can I have a dispensation for murder? Or one for adultery? Or one for stealing? Or so that I can lie to my children etc.

I know a few Catholics who have gone ahead and done the vasectomy or tubectomy. It’s difficult to say the least. I will be praying for you about this matter.

 

[momtomanykiddos]

You make a good point.

We pretty much are abstain all the time because of the signs via NFP aren’t always reliable.

That’s why it’s becoming a problem. We are going on almost two years of this. It doesn’t feel like much of a marriage.

 

[1ke]

My question is, would it be possible for us to apply/ask for a dispensation for my husband to have a vasectomy? Or for me to get to my tubes tied, or something “permanent”?

Honey, there is no such thing as a dispensation to commit a sin.

Put something else in there besides “vasectomy” and “tubal”. For instance:

Would it be possible for us to ask for a dispensation to commit murder? To steal? To commit adultery?

I ask this with great hesitation, because I am fully aware of the Church’s teaching on contraception and sterilization.

I don’t think you really understand it if you are asking if the Church can dispense a moral evil. Sterilization is a mortal sin against the commandments of God. It is an intrinsic evil.

However, during my last pregnancy, I was on hospitalized bed rest for over a month due to preterm labor that started at 34 weeks. The baby was delivered at 37 weeks as the scar from my previous sections was thinning (found via ultrasound). I have a wonderful pro life Catholic OBGYN, who said that while there were concerns medically, if we wanted to have more children we could. Bed rest would be involved, as well as shots to prevent pre term labor.

I am very sorry you have had serious complications from your pregnancies. If you have a serious reason to avoid further pregnancies, for a time or indefinitely, then you can certainly use natural family planning. You can abstain from intercourse completely or you can abstain periodically. Methods such as Marquette, Creighton, Sympto-Thermal, and Billings are all options for you to choose from.

Charting is a huge challenge, mainly because my son with autism wakes up at all hours of the day and night, and usually one of us is getting him back in bed, cleaning up fecal matter off the floor/bed/sheets. So even if/when I take my temps, it’s not consistent.

Then move away from Sympto-Thermal and move to one of the mucus only mehtods: Marquette (which also uses a fertility monitor), Creighton, or Billings.

We are exhausted trying to be faithful, and just want to be able to be together. It would help greatly to be able to express our love other than finding it something to fight off and overcome.

Take a deep breath. Go to adoration before the blessed sacrament. Realize that this is not forever. Vasectomy or tubal are not the way to be faithful. You arlready know this.

But I really want to know if there are certain circumstances where a dispensation could be given by the Church.

No. There is no such thing as a dispensation to commit a sin.

I am sorry that you are feeling drawn to these things. I know it **seems **like the easy thing to do. But always remember Christ’s words. His way is the **true **way.

 

[1ke]

LOL, I just read the other post on here and they used the exact same example! Crazy!!!

 

[KostyaJMJ]

No, there is no dispensation.

As I see it the problem then becomes, how do you make the adjustment to living as brother and sister?

Does your husband move into the basement?

Maybe move to a monastery?

I’ll be right in your situation soon enough, so i am honestly curious how to make the arrangement work long term.

 

[momtomanykiddos]

I appreciate it.

I was at Adoration last night (subbing for someone) and have my own hour tonight. One thing that struck me in your response was both of us going before the Blessed Sacrament. It’s always me doing the praying it seems. My husband has been struggling a lot in his role as head of the household and feeling comfortable as a father/husband. More than I care to go into. I know if I asked him to go to Adoration he would not like it…citing his ADD and saying it’s too hard to sit there.

sigh

Thanks for the response. Guess I just need to realize He is the truth, and to trust. Needed the reminder…very tempted lately.

 

[1ke]

I appreciate it.

I was at Adoration last night (subbing for someone) and have my own hour tonight. One thing that struck me in your response was both of us going before the Blessed Sacrament. It’s always me doing the praying it seems. My husband has been struggling a lot in his role as head of the household and feeling comfortable as a father/husband. More than I care to go into. I know if I asked him to go to Adoration he would not like it…citing his ADD and saying it’s too hard to sit there.

sigh

Thanks for the response. Guess I just need to realize He is the truth, and to trust. Needed the reminder…very tempted lately.

Adoration is hard for me too sometimes. Does he have an iPod or something that has religious books/songs/podcasts on it? I cannot just sit. I have to read or “do” something.

 

[RedSoxWife]

I’d second the idea of looking into Creighton, since it doesn’t involve temps.

 

[michaelmas]

There are exceptions to the rules, extremely rare, but exist.

Your comments remind me of the man who was in a flood and his house was in danger of being washed away.

A boat with rescuers floated by and they yelled for him to come into the boat and go to safety and the man replied that God will save him.

The next day another boat comes and this time the man was on the porch roof as the water continued to rise. The rescuers told the man to get in the boat the water is rising. The man replied God will save me.

The following day the raging water had rose to the chimney and the man was clutching to it. A helicopter lowered a rope ladder for the man to grab onto so they could pull him to safety. The man again waved off the rescuers saying that God will save him.

Needless to say the man was washed away and died. 3 times God had brought help and 3 times the man said no.

I would have a serious conversation with your priest and bishop. The worse thing that can happen is they say what you already know.

 

[1ke]

There are exceptions to the rules, extremely rare, but exist.

This simply untrue.

 

[mamaslo]

Adoration is hard for me too sometimes. Does he have an iPod or something that has religious books/songs/podcasts on it? I cannot just sit. I have to read or “do” something.

People just sit during adoration?

 

[Texas_Roofer]

You make a good point.

We pretty much are abstain all the time because of the signs via NFP aren’t always reliable.

That’s why it’s becoming a problem. We are going on almost two years of this. It doesn’t feel like much of a marriage.

The issue of which you speak is the therapeutic effects of sterilization, which is a very controversial with the catholic community. One side says the simple rule of celibacy should be applied. The other side says - In a marriage with 5 kids this is not about irresponsible fornication, it about responsible health and parenting. Ultimately you and your husband will select the side you will agree with.

 

[105lynne]

Talk to your priest (I doubt you’ll get dispensation). He will most likely recommend natural family planning. Good luck to you! You’re in my prayers…trust in God!

 

[lily20]

I wouldn’t worry so much about your next, if it happens, pregnancy. God will never give you more than you can handle. The bible says, “worry not.” Remember, God is in control.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’ve never heard of any such dispensation and I’ve be shocked if they had one honestly.

 

[momtomanykiddos]

Adoration is hard for me too sometimes. Does he have an iPod or something that has religious books/songs/podcasts on it? I cannot just sit. I have to read or “do” something.

He does, actually. I can download some podcasts for him. Brillant! Thank you.

 

[momtomanykiddos]

Talk to your priest (I doubt you’ll get dispensation). He will most likely recommend natural family planning. Good luck to you! You’re in my prayers…trust in God!

Here is the big issue in regards to talking to our priest. Some close friends of ours had a ton on their plate (I mean real issues…as in legal and medical with could result in death of the mother). The husband went to our pastor and was just so upset because he didn’t know what to do and was considering a vasectomy. Our pastor basically informed him that “he knew what he needed to do then”. So he got a vasectomy.

I know my husband and I can go in and plead our case and basically wiggle our way into getting him to say what we want.

But, that’s not what we want.

Does that make sense?

 

[momtomanykiddos]

I need to look into Marquette method. Our OBGYN mentioned it.

Costs money though. Which we don’t have.

Again, another issue.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

I’ve never heard of any such dispensation and I’ve be shocked if they had one honestly.

I have, or that is, I know many people who have gotten sterilized with the approval of a priest.

They were even a bit surprised when I told them that it doesn’t quite work like that.