Disrespectful Mother.... and Veeery frustrated daughter!

[faithfully]

I recently posted about a man whom I rejected due to his insecurity and otherwise creepy nature (and age) who insisted on pursuing me forcefully despite numerous rejections, ignored texts and phone calls and direct rejections, for almost a year. Our last conversation was in June/July last year when I was desperately looking for a job. He tried to get me a job at his Bank where he works, which I politely rejected because I did not want to “owe” him anything and I certainly did not want to take myself right to his work-place where he could harass me every day. I then asked to just not communicate at all (for the nth time). He started talking nasty and I just hang up.

Apparently, he continued texting my mom behind my back and she texted him back. Me and her had a terrible fight in 2010 after I first met him, she basically tried to push me to see him which I refused and she only gave up when she saw she would ruin our relationship entirely over it. I found out about the texting this last December and asked her to stop because it was very disrespectful to me for her to do that after I chose to end all communications with this guy and that he was disrespecting me by switching to my mom, to continue that communication because I blocked his number and everything. She told me she would respect my wishes and not indulge this person’s attempts at holding onto some connection with me.

Now I accidentally find a message on her phone after she asked me to locate an old message from a doctor that we were trying to find and she handed me her phone as she was busy with a guest. So I’m scrolling and I find this Valentine message from this same person. I look over at sent messages and lo and behold- I find my mothers text back to this guy. I’m so frustrated. We’ve just had a nasty fight where I just told her I’d had it with her lack of respect towards me and many other harsh things and I was tired of her false apologies when she was only insistent on doing her will even in matters like this that she should show respect to her children.

Does she have a right to continue this communications against my desires knowing very well that it’s really just about me in the end, with this guy?

Was I too harsh?

How should I handle this?

Let’s put this in perspective. The way you talk about this, he was stalking you. He refused to take no for an answer. And when he finally seemed to hear no, he became HOSTILE.

Your mother is engaging with your STALKER! This is very dangerous.

I would consider reporting this guys behavior to the police to be honest. JUST TO HAVE ON RECORD. This guy wouldn’t let you alone for over a year. You finally thought you got rid of him, and it turns out he’s got his claws in your mother.

 

[faithfully]

And further, I would not engage in a relationship with someone who has made friends with my Stalker… They care more about the nut job than me…

 

[promethius]

Given his history, it’s not an unreasonable suspicion. He shows all the signs of a stalker.

Assuming, however, that her mother is collaborating presently IS unreasonable, considering that the OP only found out about the messages by snooping while asked to go through the phone for other reasons.

And like I said, her recourse is to file a restraining order against the man, because I’m not disagreeing that he’s a creeper.

That still doesn’t give any right to anyone to declare that the mother is engaging in sin, or speculating on other “strange things” the mother might be involved with. That sort of speculation is an offense against truth.

Perhaps you’re fortunate enough never to have been stalked; if you had, you’d be more understanding.

I’ve been in a case (on a small base at the border of Afghanistan) where I had to carry a knife to the bathroom and showers because there was a guy out raping other men (tasering them and then binding them while unconscious). Your assumption is a very poor one. I understand what it’s like to be in danger. I also understand that a person still does not get to control anyone’s relationships other than their own.

 

[promethius]

And further, I would not engage in a relationship with someone who has made friends with my Stalker… They care more about the nut job than me…

Speculating that the mother cares more about the creeper than her daughter is, likewise, a rush to rash judgement, filed in the catechism under “offenses against truth”. Given the fact that we have ONE out of three sides of the story here… and clearly this side is one which is prone to “flipping out” emotionally… we should probably reserve a bit of leniancy towards those who aren’t here to defend themselves.

In fact, OP, I would LOVE for you to get your mother on here so that she can tell her side of the story…

 

[faithfully]

Speculating that the mother cares more about the creeper than her daughter is, likewise, a rush to rash judgement, filed in the catechism under “offenses against truth”. Given the fact that we have ONE out of three sides of the story here… and clearly this side is one which is prone to “flipping out” emotionally… we should probably reserve a bit of leniancy towards those who aren’t here to defend themselves.

In fact, OP, I would LOVE for you to get your mother on here so that she can tell her side of the story…

You are confused by my words. I’m NOT speculating about her mother.

I’m saying, IF I felt a guy was stalking me, AND my mother knew that. I wouldn’t NEED her side of the story. She’d be doing something that any police officer or FBI agent would say is incredibly foolish. And sets not only myself but also herself up for danger.

For that matter. The stalker doesnt’ GET to weigh in. His behavior is illegal. That’s if I WERE PERSONALLY in a situation as described. He’s acted like a stalker. It took over a YEAR to get him to bug off!

Or is the OP just the only woman in the whole wide world this guy can see himself with, and he must just get her to see how special he really is… COME ON!!!

 

[faithfully]

I recently posted about a man whom I rejected due to his insecurity and **otherwise creepy nature (and age) **who insisted on pursuing me forcefully despite numerous rejections, ignored texts and phone calls and direct rejections, for almost a year.

READ THIS AGAIN… This is not normal behavior of a healthy man looking for a date!

 

[newf]

READ THIS AGAIN… This is not normal behavior of a healthy man looking for a date!

Exactly. The OP’s mother is betraying her daughter by secretly interacting with this man.

 

[promethius]

I’m going to handle your post in reverse…

For that matter. The stalker doesnt’ GET to weigh in. His behavior is illegal. That’s if I WERE PERSONALLY in a situation as described. He’s acted like a stalker. It took over a YEAR to get him to bug off!

Or is the OP just the only woman in the whole wide world this guy can see himself with, and he must just get her to see how special he really is… COME ON!!!

The only thing that would demonstrate to us that his actions breach the law would be a restraining order… something that has not occured even though I advocated it. There could be two reasons for that:

1. The creeper didn’t behave as badly as our source says, so Mary hasn’t pursued a restraining order because she doesn’t have grounds
2. out of either charity or ignorance of options, Mary has not pursued a restraining order, even though she should.

I’m being charitable and assuming the latter of the two options.

You are confused by my words. I’m NOT speculating about her mother.

You said, “I would not engage in a relationship with someone who has made friends with my Stalker [this can only refer to the mother in the story]… They [the mother] care more about the nut job than me…”

How can you possibly say that such a statement is anything BUT speculation on who the mother in question cares about???

I’m saying, IF I felt a guy was stalking me, AND my mother knew that. I wouldn’t NEED her side of the story. She’d be doing something that any police officer or FBI agent would say is incredibly foolish. And sets not only myself but also herself up for danger.

Like I have said repeatedly, the Mother has a legal right to maintain private relationships and the daughter has no control over that. The daughter CAN choose to respectfully withdraw from a close relationship with her mom, but cannot presume to control her mother’s private social interactions.

Second, none of that justifies the comments made to the mother, such as stating that the mother will not get into heaven or receive God’s forgiveness. If this caused the mother to despair and fall away from the faith, then this, as per Pope Benedict, would fall into the grave sin of spiritual murder. And no, I’m not speculating on the severity of what was said to the mother, some of it is listed HERE

 

[promethius]

Exactly. The OP’s mother is betraying her daughter by secretly interacting with this man.

How exactly is she betraying her daughter? For all we know, she is trying to charitably console the man and have him move on. All we know is that on valentines day he sent the mother a text and she responded.

The vast amount of speculation going on about the mother, especially given what level of hyperbole the OP has stated they are willing to eject into conversation, is shameful…

 

[runwaymodel]

And further, I would not engage in a relationship with someone who has made friends with my Stalker… They care more about the nut job than me…

This.

OP, I would seriously consider getting a restraining order against this crazy guy. He truly sounds like he has issues if he cannot take the hint and rejections. This situation really scares me. Make sure you document everything.

 

[promethius]

READ THIS AGAIN… This is not normal behavior of a healthy man looking for a date!

I haven’t denied that he’s a creeper. In fact, I’m the ONLY person (EDIT: Until Runway Model posted just now) in this thread who has advocated a full on restraining order, which is, in fact, the ONLY way to put a legal halt to his approaching her.

Your solution is that the mother can’t maintain contact. That is 1) untrue and 2) not a solution because it does NOTHING to put a legal halt to the man’s behavior.

I care about her safety, and about her ability to call on the police to respond and put a stop to his unwanted approaches. You are doing NOTHING to further those two agendas… so please, don’t presume to tell me I don’t care about the well being of the OP… my advice serves that end FAR better than anyone who is busy thinking that addressing the mother’s private communications can produce the same effect.

 

[faithfully]

I haven’t denied that he’s a creeper. In fact, I’m the ONLY person (EDIT: Until Runway Model posted just now) in this thread who has advocated a full on restraining order, which is, in fact, the ONLY way to put a legal halt to his approaching her.

Your solution is that the mother can’t maintain contact. That is 1) untrue and 2) not a solution because it does NOTHING to put a legal halt to the man’s behavior.

I care about her safety, and about her ability to call on the police to respond and put a stop to his unwanted approaches. You are doing NOTHING to further those two agendas… so please, don’t presume to tell me I don’t care about the well being of the OP… my advice serves that end FAR better than anyone who is busy thinking that addressing the mother’s private communications can produce the same effect.

I’m in total agreement with you on the restraining order. This SHOULD be done!

I do know people that have refused to do so, when it SHOULD have been done. I know one dead person who should have done so. Having not done so does not therefore prove the stalker was not dangerous.

Please show me EXACTLY where I say YOU DON’T CARE about the well being of the OP.

I responded to the OP’s first post. Didn’t even read the rest. I then responded to your quote of mine.

You want to assume that I’m bearing false witness. That’s your choice. I read the first line of this OPs post. If it’s true… If her mother knows it… Then her mother is crazy for communicating with the guy.

I don’t care that neither is with it enough to file for a restraining order. Perhaps the OPs failure to do so, lies in the same vain as a mother that would continue to communicate with the guy.

Does she, the mother, have the right to communicate with him? Sure. Can you honestly say, if YOUR daughter came home and described THAT man to you, you’d feel compelled to communicate with him? Nicely? I know for a fact my mother would not. And if she did. I’d know my mother had lost it for sure.

It’s entirely possible mom doesn’t know how awful this man is??? Does she just feel sorry for some lost puppy her daughter abused? Would her mother not be a victim of this man’s manipulation (IF SENTANCE ONE IS TRUE?)

Should the daughter have flown off the handle? Perhaps not the way she did. And although she can not control her mother’s actions, she can control whether or not to hang around her own mother. Someone, who in theory should be looking out for her daughter’s interest and well being as opposed to this guy.

 

[faithfully]

Your solution is that the mother can’t maintain contact. That is 1) untrue and 2) not a solution because it does NOTHING to put a legal halt to the man’s behavior.

I care about her safety, and about her ability to call on the police to respond and put a stop to his unwanted approaches. You are doing NOTHING to further those two agendas… so please, don’t presume to tell me I don’t care about the well being of the OP… my advice serves that end FAR better than anyone who is busy thinking that addressing the mother’s private communications can produce the same effect.

The question was about her relationship with her mother. Not what do do about the guy.

Again, you’re right. She should do everything legally possible to get him out of the picture.

I don’t know many parents of victims of violent crimes that I’d recommend stay in contact with the aggressor. I’d still recommend they avoid the person. And if they didn’t, I’d recommend the victim avoid the person who wants to be friends with their aggressor…

Sadly, for the record, I know too man girls who have ended up 1) dead 2) raped 3)beaten and left for dead. I can honestly say, if they KNEW their attacker in advance, and had asked family to stay away from the guy, and the chose to befriend him anyway. I’d still recommend they cut off from the family member.

Two totally seperate issues within the same problem.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OP, where is your father?

This is usually the father’s arena. “Stop contacting my daughter. Stop trying to contact anyone in my family.”

Better than a restraining order.

 

[faithfully]

OP, where is your father?

This is usually the father’s arena. “Stop contacting my daughter. Stop trying to contact anyone in my family.”

Better than a restraining order.

I disagree. A father should definately step up. But guys like this don’t back down for that.

Have you ever watched the true story stalking back?

imdb.com/title/tt0107592/plotsummary

When there were NO stalkers laws? If this situation is as serious as the OP describes it. Daddy can’t stop a crazy! And mom should NOT engage.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, where is your father?

This is usually the father’s arena. “Stop contacting my daughter. Stop trying to contact anyone in my family.”

Better than a restraining order.

I do not doubt that in Texas a father’s warning is worth ten restraining orders!
That doesn’t guarantee safety (any more than a restraining order would) but fathers are generally very willing to tell his daughters’ unwanted male suitors to get lost! Compared to courts, they require a far lower burden of proof and their fees are far more reasonable!

 

[faithfully]

I do not doubt that in Texas a father’s warning is worth ten restraining orders!
That doesn’t guarantee safety (any more than a restraining order would) but fathers are generally very willing to tell his daughters’ unwanted male suitors to get lost! Compared to courts, they require a far lower burden of proof and their fees are far more reasonable!

Yes, that’s true. This is a movie quote, but still get’s that across. And, makes me laugh.

“Son, I’ve got a gun and shovel, and I know how to use them both.”

 

[Marybeloved]

Hello, people, thank you for responding.

Someone asked about my father: If anyone has noticed, I’ve posted several times on this forums about him. He has been suffering from Alzheimer’s/dementia for seven years and was recently admitted with massive thrombosis in leg and collapsed lung (asked for prayers at the Prayer intentions forum about it) and after he came back home, his blood thinning medicine was too much and caused him to bleed excessively internally- We’ve been dealing with that situation since last week. I would have definitely relied on my elder brother, but he’s out of the country on studies.

Here’s the thing about my situation: First, I don’t live in the U.S, I don’t think people here (home) even know what a restraining order is apart from watching Western movies. I don’t think there’s any law in our country against what this person is doing, unless he does something else- especially now that he stopped direct communications with me. Like I said, sometime in June/July last year, he stopped trying to contact me- about six months ago, I was very relieved about that. To be honest, if I went to our Police about this, they’d laugh in my face. Only until recently did activists get them to start taking rape cases seriously. If I lived in my own house, I could probably sue in a civil court for trespass and/or nuisance. I simply cannot afford that and I live in parents’ house.

Right now, I’m out of a job (I also posted asking prayers for that) and I’m basically helpless to leave our home. I’m also not sure about leaving now, due to my dad and his current condition (he needs constant care) even when I get the job I’m hoping to get real soon (please pray for me). I was thinking of getting a place not far from my home- When I get a job, I will.

@ Promestheus(??? not sure of spelling) The guy who asked me to get my mom or this annoying guy (who, it seems to me, has never been rejected and simply can’t take it) to post here: seriously? I am a member of these forums. I’m dealing with a situation here with my mom and came here for some advice. If you don’t want to take my word for it, then that’s your choice. But I’ve shared what I’ve shared, I’m not about to start bending over backwards to prove to you that I’m communicating to you the truth. If you don’t want to believe me, you don’t have to.

 

[Marybeloved]

Also, about my mom. I agree that she does have issues, but in my culture- getting married is such an essential thing. I just turned 28, last month, and to my mother’s horror- still no sign of an engagement. I was never outgoing, and my family was afraid that I had no interest in men (I do!), I’m just yet to meet a guy I truly like (The one I was truly interested in did not turn out well). I told my mom that it’s better to be single than to be miserable and married and that I would not walk into a miserable situation with my eyes wide open just to avoid the “horrors” and the shame of being unmarried.

About two years ago, I lost all feelings/desires for relationships and I communicated that to my family, that I was happy being on my own. But that subsided and I truly would like to be with someone- of my own choosing and liking! Honestly, right now, not having a job, makes me also cautious of dating. I’d rather get a job first, but if I meet a good person even now, say at church, I would see him. It’s just that women can be in a bad situation if they get themselves in a situation where they are dependent on a boy friend. I had a job until early last year, and was able to date a few (normal) guys. But since I’ve been home, I haven’t seen anyone. I don’t know if this is what makes my mother so desperate to maintain contact with a guy I’ve rejected so strongly.

 

[faithfully]

Hi Marybeloved,

Interesting how we assume you’re in the same country as us! Sorry about that. In the US, this man’s behavior would absolutely put him at risk for some legal action.

Is this man’s behavior consistant with your culture? If so, I imagine your mom THINKS she’s doing you some good. And I can at least understand why she’s trying to keep your options open. This must be very hard to deal with. As you have cultural issues to stand up against as well.

I certainly don’t know how to advise within your cultural boundries.