Disrespectful Wife

[MainBrain]

How is a husband supposed to deal with a wife who does not respect him? She’s the bread winner through no fault of his own. What is he to do? I mean really!!! This is a big problem.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

Um…not quite sure what to say. Could we have a few more details?

 

[MainBrain]

Um…not quite sure what to say. Could we have a few more details?

For instance, if I tell her not to do something that she thinks is okay she will scoff under her breath and walk away. She doesn’t respect where I am coming form on issues. She thinks I worry too much. But it’s more than that. It’s a feeling I get. I don’t make money like her friends husbands do. Believe me, if I could change this I would. It’s just the hand I was dealt, at least for now. No, she doesn’t respect me. A person who will respect me will have a conversation on why they disagree with me instead of laugh at me and make a snide critical comment.

 

[CathLifeHacker]

I still don’t think you’ve given enough details here for people to be able to help you.

What kind of things do you tell her not to do? Why is she the breadwinner? How long has this been going on?

I’m sure a lot of people on here would be able to help but you need to give more details.

 

[Allegra]

Have you tried just telling your wife that what she is doing is hurting you? That’s where I would start.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

For instance, if I tell her not to do something that she thinks is okay she will scoff under her breath and walk away. She doesn’t respect where I am coming form on issues. She thinks I worry too much. But it’s more than that. It’s a feeling I get. I don’t make money like her friends husbands do. Believe me, if I could change this I would. It’s just the hand I was dealt, at least for now. No, she doesn’t respect me. A person who will respect me will have a conversation on why they disagree with me instead of laugh at me and make a snide critical comment.

I see (or more like hear) my sister disrespecting my brother in law since I live with them. I feel for you, as it feels so bad just to overhear. Interestingly enough, she seems opposite of what you describe. She yells and sometimes berates him.

 

[kmuestwin]

How is a husband supposed to deal with a wife who does not respect him? She’s the bread winner through no fault of his own. What is he to do? I mean really!!! This is a big problem.

It seems like you both have a disordered view of how one deserves and earns respect.

Money ≠ Respect

Your problem comes from communication. Neither of you are getting what you want from your relationship and a higher paying job probably isn’t the answer.

Have you spoken to her about your concerns? Even if you already feel like you’ve made yourself clear to your wife, I suggest sitting down with her and speaking very directly about how you feel. Use examples of conversations you have had. Speak calmly and clearly doing your best to stay emotionally neutral as you explain what your emotional response is to what you see as disrespect. Keep the focus on how you feel and don’t make accusations.

Remember that nobody can “make you feel” a certain way. You are able to acknowledge a situation and choose to react emotionally or not. Do your best to examine your feelings in the moment and to choose the way in which you want to react. Tend to the garden of your mind and try to assess the reasons behind your emotional reactions.

Finally, this is the woman that you love. You chose each other instead of any of the other 8 billion people in the world. Pray that you find the ability to live her beyond her faults and that she may do the same for you.

Please speak with your wife.

 

[EasterJoy]

…A person who will respect me will have a conversation on why they disagree with me instead of laugh at me and make a snide critical comment.

There is a well-known marriage researcher, John Gottman, who has identified four interpersonal signs of a marriage in danger that he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. He calls the one you are describing contempt. The others are criticism (personal criticism, rather than mere complaints), defensiveness, and stonewalling.
gottmanblog.com/2013/04/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism.html

The way to approach this is not “I am the husband, respect me”. The way to approach it is “we are married, we have to communicate with mutual respect.” Find one or more of John Gottman’s books (the library usually has them) and talk to your wife about how to conduct disagreements and complaints so that you don’t damage your marriage. It also happens to be the best way to soften each other for mutual forbearance and giving in to each other. After all, the section in Ephesians on marriage starts with “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Eph 5:21) This isn’t about you looking to be put first; among the disciples of Christ, those who want to be the greatest are to be the servants. You don’t have to get into any power struggles with anyone else over the respect you are due, but can approach each one with the goal of showing mutual respect, as both need to do.

 

[George_Stegmeir]

How is a husband supposed to deal with a wife who does not respect him? She’s the bread winner through no fault of his own. What is he to do? I mean really!!! This is a big problem.

Never forget the old adage: The one who pays the bills calls the shots in a marriage. It is a sorry state of affairs when the man in such a relationship is relagated to little more than a stud.
Such marriages do not last long, because sooner or later either one or both will cheat. At that point, the relationship is essentially over. Catholic marriage or no Catholic marriage.
I was in such a situation in a second marriage where we both were employed, except that she was in a professional situation and earned almost twice as much as I did. Between her and my in-laws my life became untenable. I was told to my face that I was to consider myself to be bought and paid for. When I finally grew a new set of nether parts and regained my self esteem, the reaction was “How dare you”! I literally had to leave with only the clothes on my back, and after the divorce had to relocate to another city.
All I can say today is Thank G*d that we did not have children!!!

 

[Deana83]

It doesn’t matter who’s bringing home the paycheck no one deserves to be disrespected. I’ve been on both sides of this and neither feels very comfortable if there’s no kind of mutual respect and understanding. Do you have kids? I’d say find a marriage counselor and see if things can be worked out. If the tension is real bad you may want to live separately for awhile; those situations can spiral out of control really fast. You’re in my prayers.

 

[CathLifeHacker]

I would say that it does matter who brings the paycheck. There is a natural order of things- the man is the provider, the woman is the nurturer. Our society has been so affected by feminism that even Catholics don’t see when they are affected- the current situation in our country is abnormal and not Christian.

That being said, we are living in a strange economy, and there is never any excuse for a spouse to mistreat their husband or wife.

I would make a practical plan at how you can improve your career/job prospects and increase your income and chip away at it every day.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

In my mind, it does not matter who is the main breadwinner. However, sometimes that main breadwinner looks at that as meaning they deserve deference. It is that way in the household in which I live. She looks at herself as the head of the household and has plainly told me outright that she gets mad at him because of that. Now and then she feels threatened because her husband does things around the house without asking (especially if it is to “help her”). She insists that everything is hers. She doesn’t seem to throw the breadwinner thing in his face, but does behind his back. She is retired now, but making more than he does still. Anyway, my point is the OP might have sensed that his wife takes the fact she makes more money as an excuse to disrespect him.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

If you want your wife to respect you, be a man, have some brass, and stand up for yourself. A woman should be submissive to the man not the other away around. You cant be a leader if your woman is doing the leading. Right now, its your wife that’s acting like the man in the relationship. You need to take control back otherwise she will walk over you like a doormat the rest of the marriage.

 

[pensmama87]

If you want your wife to respect you, be a man, have some brass, and stand up for yourself. A woman should be submissive to the man not the other away around. You cant be a leader if your woman is doing the leading. Right now, its your wife that’s acting like the man in the relationship. You need to take control back otherwise she will walk over you like a doormat the rest of the marriage.

You might have skipped that first part of Ephesians 5:22: “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.” So, yes, husbands and wives should submit to each other. There’s some great explanation on the rest of that passage here.

OP, I will tell you openly that I have struggled for a long time with respecting my husband. That is my own fault, because regardless of how he acts or what he does I should respect him simply as a child of God if nothing else. But I would not necessarily pin that on your earnings or lack thereof. My husband is the breadwinner and I’m mostly a stay-at-home mom and we still have respect issues. I’m starting to grasp that some of it comes from having a distorted idea of what masculinity is, and I think he grew up with that too (although I don’t know that he would say so.)

I would strongly suggest marital counseling to deal with communication issues, and that you work on you. Not necessarily to impress your wife, but just to give you a sense of self that is strong and worthy, and is not dependent on the number on a paycheck.

 

[drafdog]

In order to have the respect of your spouse, whether the man or the woman in a marriage, you must be making a noticeable contribution to the home. As in this particular case the wife is the breadwinner, the husband must become the homemaker. You should be cleaning the house, fixing the meals, doing the shopping, taking care of the laundry, etc. Lest you think that this in some fashion demeans you, you have nothing to lose by doing these things as currently you are apparently earning no respect.
These comments are predicated on the assumption that you have not withheld pertinent information regarding your contribution to the marriage.

Reb Levi

 

[TEPO]

How is a husband supposed to deal with a wife who does not respect him? She’s the bread winner through no fault of his own. What is he to do? I mean really!!! This is a big problem.

My wife does this too. It happens about once a month -for a few days there are no jokes allowed, and definantly, definantly no criticism of any kind.

…women. Heh.

 

[AussieTrish]

…women. Heh.

Not just women! Sometime men!

God bless

If a man or woman doesn’t treat their spouse with respect and consideration, it is likely to relate to more than ‘who is the breadwinner’.
It is a lack of charity, a lack of love, in either spouse, that exists anyway.

God grant that your wife will come to wholeheartedly love you.

 

[barboza21]

As someone who has been having communication issues with husband, I would say pray first of all.

I have started praying every single day; morning, midday and night. I pray to God of course, Jesus, the Holy spirit to help me understand my husband and to help us communicate. I pray to my Mother Mary. I pray to Saint Joseph. I have prayed the rosary and the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy at 3 PM. All this praying has honestly, seriously, and literally helped me greatly. In just one week I have seen great difference in our communication. I have confided our problems to my mom and dad and they have given me great advice. They both pray for me every day as well. My mom prays the rosary for us. Things are getting better between us, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Some things are still touchy subject. But as a fellow member told me, take one thing at a time. Fix one issue at a time, don’t try to fix EVERY single problem of yours in one day. That wont happen. Focus on your issues, one by one. And take your life day by day.

Another thing, do your part. If she is the main breadwinner, that’s okay. you do your part 100%. That’s all you can do. Do your part with a happy heart and for the love of your wife.

Respect her, even if she doesn’t respect you. This doesn’t mean you degrade yourself and have low self-esteem and all that. No. Simply put, if she’s being disrespectful to you, don’t answer her. Walk away. Be the bigger person. You don’t have to act the same way. It’s not easy. Its very hard and hurtful to have the person that is supposed to love you more than any other human be the one that’s disrespecting and hurting you.

Talk to her, eventually she will crack down and let you know what is going on. And listen to what she has to say. Even if it sounds insane, like she is completely wrong. Just listen. It makes a big difference.

Our problems might not be the exact same ones but this has helped me greatly. Maybe it could help you out a bit.

 

[severus68]

How is a husband supposed to deal with a wife who does not respect him? She’s the bread winner through no fault of his own. What is he to do? I mean really!!! This is a big problem.

Perhaps you should share with those of us who are unaware, what you posted in your earlier threads.

 

[Anglewannabe]

For instance, **if I tell her not **to do something that she thinks is okay she will scoff under her breath and walk away. .

With all due respect, I would have the same reaction is I was TOLD. I would be more open to someone who would politely request. Also, as much as it is just a nickname, when I first saw ‘MainBrain’ I though it cam across with a man with an attitude. Just wondering if there is something bout the way you come across to her

. A person who will respect me will have a conversation on why they disagree with me instead of laugh at me and make a snide critical comment.

You are right there. Pray for you marriage