Distance myself from family?

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AmericanRose

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I don’t know if this goes here but oh well.

I will be going to college next year around this time. It’s going to be a new life and experience. However, my mother wants to follow me to or near my college town, and stay close to me, and then after college she wants us to live close. I love her, but I want to live my life on my own. She is very controlling and is very bitter towards many things. She even tries to keep me from living my faith by making everything I do “obsessive” or just weird. I want to distance my self, but she says she’s sacrificed so much for me and given up a whole lot of her life for me and my brother, and to distance her would be slapping her in the face. Lately she has been making me feel like I don’t measure up, and I had a moment a few nights ago that I just wanted to walk out the door and go into the world without anything and disappear. what should I do?
 
AmericanRose said:
I don’t know if this goes here but oh well.

I will be going to college next year around this time. It’s going to be a new life and experience. However, my mother wants to follow me to or near my college town, and stay close to me, and then after college she wants us to live close. I love her, but I want to live my life on my own. She is very controlling and is very bitter towards many things. She even tries to keep me from living my faith by making everything I do “obsessive” or just weird. I want to distance my self, but she says she’s sacrificed so much for me and given up a whole lot of her life for me and my brother, and to distance her would be slapping her in the face. Lately she has been making me feel like I don’t measure up, and I had a moment a few nights ago that I just wanted to walk out the door and go into the world without anything and disappear. what should I do?
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Talk to student counseling when you arrive on campus, read about boundaries, and be polite, kind and firm.

You don’t need to take every phone call or respond instantly to every text, and you don’t need to be available every time she wants to see you.

Also, just putting this out there in advance–if you are living off campus, she doesn’t need a key to your apartment or home…ever. If you are gone for the weekend and need somebody to feed your goldfish, it shouldn’t be her.

Best wishes!
 
Sounds like you should distance yourself. It’s grand if your mother has a preference to be close to you. But if that translates into wanting to control your life then it’s a problem.

If your mother wanted her children to pay her back for all the sacrifices she made for them then maybe she didn’t get the memo where children don’t really do that. Neither are they supposed to.
 
It is difficult for some mothers to let their children grow up and become adults. Pray for her every day.
 
Distance.

Your mother wants to perpetuate your current relationship, but your current relationship doesn’t sound healthy. You need your own life. Your mother needs her own life as well. You’ll be doing what is best for you AND her. Don’t cut off contact entirely, we are still commanded to honor our parents. But, you should establish and enforce boundaries. You don’t exist to provide your mother with a life.
 
You do need to distance yourself from her. But I see how hard this will be for both of you. You don’t want to hurt her or cause a rift in the family. I think you should pray for her and for yourself… you need God’s guidance with this. We can suggest things, but we don’t really know her or you so will just be guessing.
I agree that she is holding on too tight, I am sure she has her reasons and it is hard for her for whatever reason, so you need to be gentle breaking free. You obviously realise this as you would not be asking here. Like the others say you need to do your own thing without totally cutting her off, so respond to her but don’t let her emotionally blackmail you into doing everything she wants. It may come to it that you need to sit her down and say that she needs to let go a little, but you’ll need to be very gentle and sensitive when you do that and make sure you aren’t at the end of your tether or angry when you do it. Maybe say a decade of the rosary first before going to talk to her to calm you down 👍
Hopefully she will find her own new interests to do while you are away and you can settle in to a new type of adult friendship as you do your college life thing and hers. tell her it can be done. God bless you
 
She must love you so much and that is fantastic but i think your mother might need to learn the importance of letting her beloved son roam free and make his own choice’s, i think you need to compremise a bit with your mother and come up with a plan that will allow you both to be happy, it might not be an easy conversation but i’m sure the right words will come to you. i wish you well.
 
AmericanRose said:
I don’t know if this goes here but oh well.

I will be going to college next year around this time. It’s going to be a new life and experience. However, my mother wants to follow me to or near my college town, and stay close to me, and then after college she wants us to live close. I love her, but I want to live my life on my own. She is very controlling and is very bitter towards many things. She even tries to keep me from living my faith by making everything I do “obsessive” or just weird. I want to distance my self, but she says she’s sacrificed so much for me and given up a whole lot of her life for me and my brother, and to distance her would be slapping her in the face. Lately she has been making me feel like I don’t measure up, and I had a moment a few nights ago that I just wanted to walk out the door and go into the world without anything and disappear. what should I do?
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Hi, Rose!

I wish I had a machine/system to produce a “mind melding” so that people could communicate better… oh wait, there is one…

…just as you have written your thoughts on this site, do so with your mom.

I don’t recommend the disappearing act… the world is not a safe place… sometimes it is scary, controlling, abusive, and even murderous… and God did not intend for us to live in disharmony… do your best to work this out with your mom.

Explain to her how she is driving into exasperation… how she is undermining your growth, your spirituality and even your ability to think and make clear decisions.

Let her know how much you appreciate her sacrifices and efforts in giving you life and providing for you; but make it clear that the Love that she seeks cannot be coerced or bludgeon out of you.

Ask her to respect your Faith. Share with her what you’ve come to Know and Understand; ask her to help further your human experience through Love, Understanding, and collaboration.

If she stifles your growth (unless she is curving bad traits and behavior) she cannot hope to gain Love and Understanding and Respect from you.

If she smothers you there’s nothing for her to gain but bitterness and rejection…

Love is the key for both yourself and your mom:
37 Jesus said, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38 This is the greatest and the first commandment. 39 The second resembles it: You must love your neighbour as yourself. 40 On these two commandments hang the whole Law, and the Prophets also.’
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(St. Matthew 22:37-40)
Please, do not engage in things that would ultimately hurt you… seek the counsel of your spiritual advisor (get one if you don’t yet have one). …and don’t forget that, at times, the child can teach the parent–especially when it comes to Agape.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Maran atha!

Angel
 
peaceandmercy said:
She must love you so much and that is fantastic but i think your mother might need to learn the importance of letting her beloved son roam free and make his own choice’s, i think you need to compremise a bit with your mother and come up with a plan that will allow you both to be happy, it might not be an easy conversation but i’m sure the right words will come to you. i wish you well.
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She had asked me how close I wanted her to be while I was in college, and I must have given off a vibe that i didn’t really want her close and she got so angry with me. I always have to be very careful about things I say. She has an awful temper.
 
AmericanRose said:
She had asked me how close I wanted her to be while I was in college, and I must have given off a vibe that i didn’t really want her close and she got so angry with me. I always have to be very careful about things I say. She has an awful temper.
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Oh sorry, i didn’t mean to say beloved son :eek:

Incally i thought how fantastic it is to have somebody show you so much love but pehaps it’s not as pure and simple as that, perhaps your mother is scared of letting you go because you give her life so much purpose and comfort, but from the sounds of it, there might be an issue that your mother need’s to address, perhaps some sort truma.
 
I suggest you go to counseling if you can.

Encourage her to go to counseling.

Maybe seek counseling together with a family therapist.
 
1ke said:
I suggest you go to counseling if you can.

Encourage her to go to counseling.

Maybe seek counseling together with a family therapist.
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She has had some trauma, from what she has told me, but refuses to go to counseling or anything of the sort, since its been years and if you suggest she needs to she has a fit.
 
Sometimes, the best way may just to be really really busy.

This is college, right? Join a club! Get a job on campus! Go to study sessions! There’s just so many things to do, and you’re out doing them! And it would be incredibly rude to have your phone on during these activities, of course. You need your sleep too, you just can’t be staying up til all hours, and you need to study and do your homework. In fact, with all this new stuff going on, there’s only so much time you can talk to her. You’ll set aside some time once a week, of course (adjust length/frequency as needed). And you should be as vague as possible about what all your plan are - and “I’m going to eat ice cream, watch a movie, and destress” is a perfectly valid plan. You don’t have to lie to her, just don’t give her information that she’s not entitled to.

Yeah, it would be more ideal to have a conversation about boundaries, but it sounds like that’s probably just going to make her mad and not actually help.
 
This is just my two cents but my relationship with my mom has gotten strained over the years and there are things I wish I did differently now… I recommend praying for her and try not to get into arguments. If she starts to get angry, just don’t respond until she has calmed down. Show that you appreciate her… so that she doesn’t think you want distance because you don’t love her or something. I agree with the previous poster about being busy - it doesn’t have to be anything dishonest, just tell your mom that you’re studying, or going to some meeting for a campus club, and set times when you can meet with her. trying to explain about “boundaries” can make her more upset… I don’t know your mom or your relationship with her, so this is just my view, but from my experience sometimes trying to be very open about such things doesn’t have the desired effect 😦 it doesn’t at all mean to lie to her or anything like that. Just act like there are boundaries, without talking about it too much, and give reasons that are not so much about her - for example, tell her what you’re busy with or what you’re doing, so she understands it’s not that you don’t love her, it’s just that you have your own life too… hope that helps!
 
I see that your relationship w/ your mom is
MUTUALLY TOXIC, you are treating her w/
kid gloves and so she takes advantage of
it and she is treating you as a little child who
cannot survive w/o her.

I will pray for you, that you can get on the
right PAGE w/ her, treat her as an EQUAL
not as a parent only and talk to her on that
level.

Almighty God whose Son, by
his life, death and resurrection
have purchased for us the re-
wards of Eternal Life,
that meditating upon these
mysteries of the Holy Rosary
of the Blessed Virgin Mary,
we may imitate what they
contain and obtain what
they promise!!
Thru Christ our Lord,
Amen.
 
Some parents, moms especially, have made most of their childrens’ decisions from the time they were born. They think they still have to do that when you become an adult. Does she feel the same way about your brother? It is so hard to let go and realize that your child will have to get out in the world and make a living on his/her own. Your whole life thus far has been taking care of your children. I know one nurse who could not take the night shift at the hospital because she had to be home with her mother. It was their culture. Perhaps you can plan a visit schedule. It is a monumental task to move from one city to another. I will pray for you to have a suitable arrangement when you go away. God bless.
 
My Mother is the EXACT same way.

Distance yourself for the sake of your mental health and pray for her.
 
AmericanRose said:
I don’t know if this goes here but oh well.

I will be going to college next year around this time. It’s going to be a new life and experience. However, my mother wants to follow me to or near my college town, and stay close to me, and then after college she wants us to live close. I love her, but I want to live my life on my own. She is very controlling and is very bitter towards many things. She even tries to keep me from living my faith by making everything I do “obsessive” or just weird. I want to distance my self, but she says she’s sacrificed so much for me and given up a whole lot of her life for me and my brother, and to distance her would be slapping her in the face. Lately she has been making me feel like I don’t measure up, and I had a moment a few nights ago that I just wanted to walk out the door and go into the world without anything and disappear. what should I do?
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Her actions can be life crippling. And no parent should cause that type of problems for thier child.
 
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