Distance of appropriateness

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lebe

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Just wondering if I’m reading too much into this or if this person just has no concept of personal boundaries…

I was writing something at a table and a couple of people were standing behind/beside me watching including the priest…which I might add is a good friend of mine and my family. He was leaning over me watching/giving instruction and just seemed to be WAY too close…like his whole pelvic area was pressing into me. I kept thinking, wow he’s really close and somewhat turned to see if everyone close so he just didn’t have any room to watch…no not the case. He didn’t back away either…just kind of stood there against me. It was really awkward, and I must admit…I think I accidentally brushed his “area” a couple of times by accident. The next day after mass he loved on my children, but completely ignored me…just strange. Now this isn’t the first time he’s crossed over that personal boundary. Nothing inappropriate, but definitely in contact with me with no intention of moving over but also not even seeming to realize that he’s touching me (or maybe he does??)
 
Perhaps hard to tell out of context and without seeing it, but if it’s bothering you maybe you should talk to him eventually. First perhaps observe and see if it’s something he does with other people perhaps or if he does it with you.

I have some friends who are definintely “huggy” or close proximity people - feels like a Seinfeld episode - who if you don’t know them you can feel kind of uncomfortable about it.

It is possible that he was just trying to read what you were writing or something also I suppose. Until you actually talk to him about it, it is hard to speculate.

Pray for wisdom. And if upon further observation you feel something is strange, then I would say talk to him charitably. Hope this helps.

God bless,
Bryan
 
lebe said:
Just wondering if I’m reading too much into this or if this person just has no concept of personal boundaries…

I was writing something at a table and a couple of people were standing behind/beside me watching including the priest…which I might add is a good friend of mine and my family. He was leaning over me watching/giving instruction and just seemed to be WAY too close…like his whole pelvic area was pressing into me. I kept thinking, wow he’s really close and somewhat turned to see if everyone close so he just didn’t have any room to watch…no not the case. He didn’t back away either…just kind of stood there against me. It was really awkward, and I must admit…I think I accidentally brushed his “area” a couple of times by accident. The next day after mass he loved on my children, but completely ignored me…just strange. Now this isn’t the first time he’s crossed over that personal boundary. Nothing inappropriate, but definitely in contact with me with no intention of moving over but also not even seeming to realize that he’s touching me (or maybe he does??)
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I would not say anything. Either I would cut contact or I would keep him as a friend. If I would keep him at a distance that in no way he would be able to what you described. I would stop writing or something else.

In your situation I simply could not write any more.

My feelings only, not the truth.
 
If something he is doing makes you uncomfortable then tell him so.
 
lebe said:
Just wondering if I’m reading too much into this or if this person just has no concept of personal boundaries…

I was writing something at a table and a couple of people were standing behind/beside me watching including the priest…which I might add is a good friend of mine and my family. He was leaning over me watching/giving instruction and just seemed to be WAY too close…like his whole pelvic area was pressing into me. I kept thinking, wow he’s really close and somewhat turned to see if everyone close so he just didn’t have any room to watch…no not the case. He didn’t back away either…just kind of stood there against me. It was really awkward, and I must admit…I think I accidentally brushed his “area” a couple of times by accident. The next day after mass he loved on my children, but completely ignored me…just strange. Now this isn’t the first time he’s crossed over that personal boundary. Nothing inappropriate, but definitely in contact with me with no intention of moving over but also not even seeming to realize that he’s touching me (or maybe he does??)
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It’s called proxemics: the study of how close we feel comfortable and think it is appropriate for others to be relative to us when interacting, speaking, or standing. We all have our own personal space boundaries, which vary between individuals and according to culture. There is a certain average distance that most people don’t cross in our society. He may just be a “close-talker” (Seinfeld terminology). Perhaps you can gently, even humorously, point out your discomfort to him, in a tactful way.
 
I am around children all day, and part of my job as a teacher is to model how to set and enforce, if you will, personal boundaries. Here are some of my tried and true statements that seem to work.:

"Could you please back up a little?"

"Please don’t touch my foot/arm/head."

"I need a little more space, please."

"Darling, you need to ask first before you grab my hand." (I am missing a finger and the little ones always want to look at and touch my hand.)

"Honey, let’s keep our private parts private."

The first three are also very useful with adults 😃 I have only ever had one adult get really upset when I asked him to give me space. That was proof enough to me that this married man’s intentions with me were less than honorable. When I reported his actions to my supervisor – I was a home health aid who helped out his wife and hour a day – I found out he’d been making advances on young aids for awhile. “Well thanks for letting me know ahead of time – NOT!” :mad:

Oh, and if you need to use that last comment with an adult, you probably need to call the police :bigyikes:

Gertie
 
Thank you for the suggestions. As far as talking to him about the situation I think I’ll pass. It will only embarrass both parties. I will just be aware “next” time and say something then or move away. I’m always caught off guard though and kind of freeze wondering if I should be concerned about his closeness and just wait to see if he notices and moves away. I have watched him interact with other people, he is very personable but I’ve never witness THAT much closeness.

I just keep replaying it over and over in my head thinking, I don’t think I’ve ever stood that close to a co-worker, boss, friend or even my husband and I know it would be very awkward if someone stood THAT close to me. How could he not know how close he was, maybe he wanted to be. And each of these situations are around many people too, you’d think he’d be nervous about someone starting rumors or something…
 
I’ll chime in with a view from the other side.

I am a chronic personal space invader. :o Most of the time, I don’t realize what I’m doing until after the fact (and maybe not even then), so maybe this priest is the same way…?

My victims, including priests, tend to deal with this by either backing away a step or two or putting up with it. I’m pretty thick, but I can take a hint so if someone steps back from me I know I’ve gone farther than they’re comfortable with and I try to remember that for the next time I see them. If they don’t move, well…then the jury is out. Maybe they’re not bothered by it - my parish priest (who is neither a personal nor family friend) falls into this category - or maybe they’re willing to overlook it. But I would expect someone who was uncomfortable to tell me immediately in some way, shape or form. I’m not a mind reader.

Having said all that, I feel the need to state that I do not intentionally press or rub up against anyone :eek: I simply think that my personal space of half an inch (1cm) is good enough for everyone 😃

In your particular case, I think what you’ve decided to do is probably the best course of action. I don’t know how long ago the incident you described took place, but he may not even remember it so bringing it up now would indeed be embarrassing for you both. I recall best who is bothered when they tell me “whoa” in the moment. If they wait even a day, I’m like “…huh?” So if it happens again, I advise you to react in the moment. If you don’t, you may run the risk of him thinking it’s okay (since this isn’t the first time it’s happened) when from what you’ve said it clearly isn’t.
 
If he was touching you, it was purposeful. And if you feel uncomfortable, there’s another sign.

Google the term below-too graphic to include rest.

Frotteurism refers to a paraphilic interest in rubbing, usually one’s pelvis …
 
Ack! Really!!! I never “felt” anything…you know what I mean. Interesting…
 
Tell him to move.

“Excused me Fr!” “Please give me some space” etc

If he continues to make you uncomfortable after you have asked him (in multiple times/incidents, even), then you may want to distance yourself from him as in cooling/ending the friendship.

Don’t ignore your feelings- they are there for a reason.
 
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