Divorce and Alcoholism

[wifeNmom02]

Hello,
I have come to this website for advice. I have many Catholic friends who support me and that I can trust. However, I would also like to seek advice from a more objective standpoint. I know that my friends and family love me, so I wonder sometimes if there advice is biased.
Please consider for a moment this situation and I would appreciate solid advice from a solid Catholic/Christian perspective.
Thank you and God Bless.
WifeNmom02

Basically I’ll just say, well the basics and if I need to provide anymore information I will be happy to.

We have been married almost 7 yrs. We have 4 children together and 1 on the way. We both are faithful to the teachings of Holy Mother Church. He has been struggling with drinking since 2004. We have had an extremely difficult time with this.
Currently he is living in a separate house from the kids and I due to his abusive behavior towards me when he drinks. This is the 3rd time to live away from us due to this reason. I am thinking that he will not really seek help until he realizes that I am serious about not living the way we have been living the past few years with his abusive behavior. I know Jesus and therefore the church does not expect us to live with abuse.
I am thinking more and more about going back to work, I have 2 college degrees and can make plenty of money with the help of my second degree. I will get a job, put the kids in a good catholic school and continue with all my might teaching them myself with their catholic homeschooling curriculum. I will have to find good in home (hopefully) care for the 2 youngest ones who are not school age.
I am so afraid and so worried, but I believe that I am suppose to do this.

Thank you for your advice.

 

[tundramom]

Hi there! I’m a Catholic and an Alcoholic. How can I help you? What is your situation?

in Christ
Steph

 

[wifeNmom02]

I forgot to add the bulk of my message the first time I sent it out.

 

[apromisemade]

Drug or alcohol abuse is a dealbreaker in relationships. He clearly does not feel the consequences of his drinking have been devestating enough that he would rather get help than quit drinking. Perhaps getting divorced and taking the kids is really the kindest thing you could possibly do, for him as well as yourself and your children. Perhaps that is the calamity he needs to realize his alcohol abuse is not worth it.

You have no control over his alcoholism other than to not put up with it and remove him from your life because of it. And your kids certainly have no control whatsoever over any of it, they are your priority here and your husband is not in a place right now where he can be anything other than an overall detriment to their well being. He’s not evil, he’s sick. And until he choses to get well you need to look after you and yours.

God bless, may He give you the strength to do what you must.

 

[dulcissima]

I divorced my husband after years of asking him to stop drinking and to go to marriage counseling to help find a way out of the abuse. At first, when we were separated, I had some hope that this would finally be the wake up call that he needed. It soon became clear that he wasn’t going to take the ownership for his problems. In fact, it became crystal clear.

We have now been apart 3 years, divorced 2 years, and I have received a declaration of nullity. One of my biggest regrets is that I gave him way too much slack, way too many chances, and stayed in the marriage for far too long. Living with his unpredictable moods, where everything really centered around his drinking, was terrible for my kids, especially my older kids. Staying in such a marriage really sends the message to your kids that that kind of behavior is acceptable. It isn’t. Your kids would be better off going to public school than living with such an unhealthy lifestyle. That is the reality.

That your husband is abusive as well as an alcoholic is reason enough that you have got to stop waiting for him to change. You need to protect yourself and your children immediately. Please speak with your priest and with a domestic violence center.

 

[wifeNmom02]

thank you so much for sharing, I know that it must have been painful for you to leave.

He is emotionally abusive when he is drinking, the physical abuse has not quite happened yet, but peolple tell me it will.

Please dont think of me as just another “dumb women”
You could ask my friends and family, I did very well in college while doing very well with my cross country and track scholarship I was very competative. I rushed into marrying my husband. I was desparate to find someone serious about their Catholic faith and really wanted a big family one day.
I recognize that I do have some emotional problems that for whish I need counseling. I think that your statement when you said you gave him too many chances makes me think, I dont want to waste my life trying to change him. I have tried soo hard to make it work. My own parents divorced and the marriage was declared null. It was very painful for me and my mother and brothers, I hate divorce and all it brings to a family.

 

[tundramom]

There’s a wonderful chapter in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that is titled “For the Wives”. It was written by the first women whose husbands started the program. Have you ever considered Al-Anon for yourself? I believe there is a huge misconception that if someone goes to Al-Anon it is to figure out how to deal with the Alcoholic. That’s not true. It’s how to deal with yourself and the effect that alcoholism has had on YOU. It is also a wonderful support.

As an alcoholic myself, in recovery, I have asked my husband to go, but he hasn’t as of yet. I don’t know why, probably for the reason I listed above.

Above all, do not blame yourself or think that you have any control over whether he drinks or he doesn’t. That’s HIS responsibility. Depending on what type of alcoholic your husband is, there might not be a consequence that will somehow “wake him up”. If the consequences of this disease could make us all sober, then it wouldn’t be necessary to be a part of AA.

I will be praying for both of you and for your kids.

in Christ
Steph

 

[mommybug47]

Dearest, I feel your pain…I left my abusive husband while homeschooling 7 kids…I was one of the stupid ones who did not listen to all the clues that it would not get better. I was a very intellegent woman, and I could fix him! I read all the books and he played the game.
It is incredibly difficult to get out. Divorce is hard on kids when it is a selfish motive. When it for safety, it heals them, and protects them.
I am praying for you. you are least smart enough to know that emotional abuse IS ABUSE! Get safe, get the divorce started, if he quits drinking, then you can start over, but you need protection, for your heart, your kids and your finances!
Private Message me so I can be of what ever support I can. God got me through alot, it is a little thing for me to lend an ear!
:hug3: