Divorce, annulment, and convalidation

[Vancleave596]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting here, but I am having trouble finding an answer anywhere else.

I am a cradle Catholic. Attended Catholic school, Confirmed at 14. I have come and gone from the Church at various times in my life. Currently I am closer to God that I have ever been. However, it took me losing my wife to get there.

Here is my situation. My wife and I were married outside the Church in a non-denominational church. We lived together prior to marriage and had our first child prior to getting married.

Flash forward 7 or 8 years, and we had 3 children and had both returned to the Catholic Church. We had our marriage convalidated by our priest.

About 7-8 months ago, my wife took the 3 kids and left me. A month ago she filed divorce paperwork. She intends to seek an annulment after the divorce. She has talked to multiple priests who have encouraged her to do this because they believe our marriage was never valid based on some things from our past. (side note: It hurts that multiple priests encouraged her to get a divorce and an annulment instead of trying to work it out)

My question is this. Since our marriage was already convalidated in the Church, would the annulment process look all the way back to the original marriage, or would it only look back to the convalidation (since once it was convalidated, the Church is declaring the marriage to be 100% valid in the eyes of God). The one preist I talked to said the Tribunal would look all the way back to the beginning. But I don’t understand that. What’s the point of getting a marriage convalidated if it will just be ignored?

I know the new divorce and annulment laws have made it much much easier to get an annulment, I am just confused I guess. It seems to me that once we had our marriage convalidated, it would override any short comings in our original vows.

Any help or enlightenment on this would great.

By the way I am still praying each day for my wife, and we are attending a Retrovaille weekend in early February. However, the legal divorce will probably be concluded by that time, unfortunately… I’ll take any prayers that would be sent my way.

Thanks and have a great.

 

[Vico]

… My question is this. Since our marriage was already convalidated in the Church, would the annulment process look all the way back to the original marriage, or would it only look back to the convalidation (since once it was convalidated, the Church is declaring the marriage to be 100% valid in the eyes of God). The one preist I talked to said the Tribunal would look all the way back to the beginning. But I don’t understand that. What’s the point of getting a marriage convalidated if it will just be ignored? …

A convalidation (using retroactive consent, or new consent) is a new marriage from the time it is granted. It is possible for a convalidation to be found invalid.

See Matrimonial Consent http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P3Z.HTM

 

[1ke]

Since our marriage was already convalidated in the Church, would the annulment process look all the way back to the original marriage, or would it only look back to the convalidation (since once it was convalidated, the Church is declaring the marriage to be 100% valid in the eyes of God). The one preist I talked to said the Tribunal would look all the way back to the beginning. But I don’t understand that. What’s the point of getting a marriage convalidated if it will just be ignored?

There are two types of convalidation: simple and radical sanation. In simple convalidation you exchange new consent in Catholic form. In radical sanation (“healing at the root”) your marriage is made valid back to the original exchange of consent.

So, first it depends on which type of convalidation you had.

Secondly, what they may be saying by saying they will look “back to the beginning” is not that they will be looking at the original exchange of consent, but rather at the upbringing, courtship, and pre marital period. In the case of a couple who did not live together and married in the church, that would be their home life/young adulthood, courtship, engagement, and wedding. In your case that included the period of your courtship, living together, and civil marriage and then your convalidation.

She has talked to multiple priests who have encouraged her to do this because they believe our marriage was never valid based on some things from our past. (side note: It hurts that multiple priests encouraged her to get a divorce and an annulment instead of trying to work it out)

I am very sorry that has happened. I hope your wife will reconsider.

I am just confused I guess. It seems to me that once we had our marriage convalidated, it would override any short comings in our original vows.

You are correct. If you had a simple convalidation it is a new exchange of consent. Without knowing what she is telling these priests it is difficult to draw any conclusions.

I know the new divorce and annulment laws have made it much much easier to get an annulment

If the decree of nullity is not contested or appealed, then after the first instance it is done. But you as the respondent have the right to appeal the ruling of the first instance.

By the way I am still praying each day for my wife, and we are attending a Retrovaille weekend in early February. However, the legal divorce will probably be concluded by that time, unfortunately… I’ll take any prayers that would be sent my way.

I hope Retrouvaille helps. I know it has helped many people in the past.

 

[Vancleave596]

The reason she feels like she can get an annulment is that she was in love twice before our marriage. And she says she “was never “in love” with me, but married me out of necessity because we had a baby” and that she has always still been in love with both of these guys. One of whom was one of my closest friends but he died years ago.

I know she loves me, because she has shown it time and again through her actions. But I am not “either those two guy”, and so she never gave me her full love. I was always 3rd string. Which hurts, badly.

However, I forgive her for this. She carried this burden for over a decade and never told anyone. That had to have been so hard. Don’t get me wrong, I am taking full blame for a lot of the problems in our marriage. But she never fully gave herself to me in any way, not emotionally, spiritually, or physically, because of her love for these other guys. Makes it kind of hard to have a good relationship with that type of baggage hanging around. Now that this is out in the open, I feel like we can actually start working towards the type of marriage God wants.

But because of this love for other men, 1 of whom is dead, and the other was her high school sweetheart who has been married for years, the priests are advising her to get her divorce and annulment (which they all but guaranteed her would go through). And to be clear, I am not badmouthing the priests. I just think it is bad advise, and that the priests shouldn’t be advising people to get divorced and annulled unless absolutely necessary. There is no physical abuse. There is no verbal from me (sometimes from her, but she has improved greatly). There is no drug abuse.

Just real bad communication, and not being open and honest, on both sides. But, I will just keep praying, and working on becoming the best version of myself. Give it to God and see what he does with it.

 

[Smepperson]

I have recently come back to Our Holy Trinity, The Blessed Mother, and The Church. I have found, past and present, that even The Lord’s representatives on earth are not infallible.
You are Blessed that your wife is still willing to go to a retreat with you to uplift your relationship. Perhaps you can pray The Rosary, in church, in front of The Blessed Mother and ask for her intercession with The Holy Trinity (to find the path of God’s will for your family).
There are a couple accounts of marriages close to the edge of divorce in the book The Warning, that came back from that brink with full faith through Jesus’s Mercy after The Blessed Virgin’s intercession.
You will be in my prayers at 3pm during my daily recitation of The Divine Mercy Chaplet.

 

[1ke]

the priests are advising her to get her divorce and annulment (which they all but guaranteed her would go through). And to be clear, I am not badmouthing the priests.

I am appalled on your behalf. While I can understand a priest giving solace, encouraging divorce and annulment isn’t very pastoral at all.

The feeling of love for another does not preclude being able to give valid consent to marry you. The priests may be focusing on her statements around getting married because of the fact you already had kids. Coercion/lack of freedom in the decision making can be a valid ground to pursue nullity.

But it isn’t a “sure thing” by any means.

I do hope Retrouvaille helps. Her unrequited feelings for a married man and dead man, this so-called love she never got over, sounds to me like an indicator of something psychological going on with her. Has she sought any counseling for why she’s throwing away a long term marriage and her children’s best interests over feelings of long ago love and “what if”??

 

[Vancleave596]

She is going to counseling. I think its helping, but she feels like she has to go through the divorce and the entire annulment process to get healing and closure. While both of us work on ourselves. Then after all that, we can work on “us”. That’s like 1-2 years before we can work on “us”. Yet she has agreed to attend Retrovaille, and invited me to attend a Marriage Encounters weekend in April, which by then the annulment process will have all ready begun. Seems counter intuitive to go to a weekend retreat to work on a marriage while at the same time she is working to have it dissolved… I am very confused on how I should be acting and what i should be doing beyond praying. I do pray a Rosary for her every morning. But how much should i communicate with her? Should I not text her? We have 3 kids so we have to talk. Last weekend she told me she missed me for the first time in over a year. Then a few days later she says bot to read anything into us, we aren’t working to save our marriage, that we are past that point… confused, confused, confused

 

[TheLittleLady]

Do you have a counselor? If not, get one. Begin working on yourself now. Your counselor will help you understand how to communicate, text, etc. Keep being kind.

 

[Gorgias]

And she says she “was never “in love” with me, but married me out of necessity because we had a baby”

So… although this is one of the classic causes for an annulment (strictly speaking, the claim is that she did not consent, but rather, simply felt forced to do it), it’s odd that she would say that this is the case after eight years of (invalid) marriage. Usually, the claim is “we’re pregnant, and we’ve gotta get married, right now!!!” This might not be the slam dunk she thinks it is.

But because of this love for other men, 1 of whom is dead, and the other was her high school sweetheart who has been married for years, the priests are advising her to get her divorce and annulment (which they all but guaranteed her would go through).

Just to be fair: you don’t know that priests are advising this; you just know that this is what she’s telling you they’re saying. Sometimes, we hear what we want to hear, instead of what’s being said, and maybe that’s what’s going on here with her. (Alternately, she might be getting bad advice. That’s not completely uncommon, either. Not every priest gives competent canonical advise (although one wishes they did).)

 

[littlebird]

Are your 3 kids teenagers ?