Divorce/annulment - is it ever necessary?

[aggie1344]

my wife and i have been going through tough times for about 3.5 years now. ever since she became pregnant with our daughter (almost 3 now), she has been taking narcotics because she has migraines. she has been through 2 rehabs since then. she just sleeps most of the time. when not sleeping, she’s either in bed or on the couch watching tv. we fight all the time. our house is a wreck - not sure how safe it is for our daughter. i try to keep up with it but outside of work and taking care of our daughter, i don’t have a lot of time. our friends and family are practically non-existent now. my wife and my side of the family don’t get along anymore. her family is basically non-existent as her parents and sibling suffer from the same issues (migraines/narcotics/etc). we don’t go to church that often because my wife usually can’t make it. we usually just watch it on tv.
i know it’s supposed to be through sickness and health but at what point does it become an issue of what’s right for the child? at the rate we’re going, my daughter’s life will not be all that great. my wife’s childhood was not that great because her parents had these issues as well. i don’t think it’s fair for my daughter to have to go through this as well. maybe i’m just being selfish and want a better life for myself. anybody been through similar situations? any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I’m so sorry you and your wife are having such tough times right now.

I think that through prayer, God can heal the most difficult of situations-if BOTH people want it to work. I don’t blame you for wanting a better life for your daughter, but may I ask…how was your wife/relationship prior to marrying? You ask about annulment, in your title of the thread, and I’m wondering if you feel that there was something you noticed prior to marriage, that might have been an impediment, but you continued to marry your wife, anyway? Just curious.

I will keep you and your wife, (and daughter) in my prayers. Feel free to reply whenever you can. God bless. *

 

[nodito]

Dear Aggie,

I’m so sorry you are struggling in your marriage. It sounds like a really difficult and frustrating situation and I hope you find the peace and resolution you need.

Our house is a wreck - not sure how safe it is for our daughter.

Could you clarify what you mean when you say the house is a wreck? Do you mean there are piles of dirty dishes all over the kitchen and loads of laundry undone (which is what I would consider “a wreck” but probably doesn’t endanger your daughter) or do you mean your wife somehow endangers your daughter by forgetting to turn off the stove or leaving narcotics on the family room floor?

Your daughter’s safety should be your first priority. If she’s at risk for bodily injury, then you need to make arrangements to get her out of the house immediately. But you shouldn’t use your wife’s poor parenting or housekeeping skills as an excuse to end your marriage.

We don’t go to church that often because my wife usually can’t make it. We usually just watch it on tv.

If you’re Catholic, missing Mass without a serious reason constitutes grave matter. Your wife’s refusal to go to Mass doesn’t negate your obligation to do so. The graces available in the Eucharist are unsurpassed and could greatly assist you in meeting the challenges of your vocation to marriage. Your daughter would also benefit from early religious formation and the healthy, loving environment that Church offers.

I know it’s supposed to be through sickness and health but at what point does it become an issue of what’s right for the child? at the rate we’re going, my daughter’s life will not be all that great. my wife’s childhood was not that great because her parents had these issues as well. i don’t think it’s fair for my daughter to have to go through this as well.

What’s best for the child is that she grows up in a safe environment with two parents who love and are married to each other. If it’s not safe for her (meaning she’s truly at risk for maltreatment) then you need to get her out of the home yesterday. But if not, there’s also a very real risk for your daughter in leaving your wife. You would inevitably be teaching your daughter that marriage vows aren’t permanent and can be abandoned when life gets difficult. She will witness your fidelty and commitment and can benefit from that.

You mentioned divorce and anullment and I’m not sure how familiar you are with what the Church teaches, so I’ll just make this brief. An anullment is a declaration from the Church, following an investigation, that you never contracted a sacramental or valid marriage with your wife. This could have happened if there was some impediment existing at the time of the wedding. It has nothing to do with what happens after the marriage. If the marriage was valid at the beginning, then your wife could lie, cheat, or murder and you would still be married to her. The Church views divorce as a legal separation that does not end the marriage and you would not be free to date or remarry unless and until the Church declared your marriage anulled.

My thought is that you are probably experiencing the “for worse” part of your marriage vows right now and that you oght to cling to the Church and start receiving the sacraments so as to receive the graces you need to get through this. Also, does your wife improve after rehab? Does she need to go again? Could she be depressed? Pray, pray, pray for her, for your marriage, and for your daughter. Talking to a faithful priest might also help.

God bless.

 

[aggie1344]

my wife had migraines prior to our marriage but not nearly as often and she wasn’t taking narcotics on a daily basis. she had bouts of depression before and after as well. there were signs before our marriage that things were not right but i kind of ignored them. we fought a lot. a lot of my friends tried to tell me that we were not right for each other. i guess i thought that we were right for each other because she was the first Catholic girl i have dated. we built a house before we got married so it was kind of like we forced ourselves into it. not saying i did not love her. i just think that we were hoping things would work out. seems pretty immature now. i don’t know if i love her right now because of the way things are. it’s like i’m married to a completely different person. maybe it’s me. maybe it’s our situation. maybe it’s pressure from outside sources (family, friends, etc). i don’t know. it’s just hard for us to be together now.
i’m not really looking for a way out if things can get better. i am starting to lose hope though. i know the Lord does not promise us an easy life. i have an uncle that is a retired bishop. we have spokien on this topic a couple times. he feels that i am some kind of “chosen one” though because he always thought i would be the next priest in the family. he thinks God is asking a lot of me because i can handle it. he thinks this test the Lord is putting me through makes me special. fine - i can handle it. i won’t enjoy it but i can handle it. i just don’t want to ruin my daughter’s life. sure, she’s safe and all ( i think ) but we don’t interact with other families much and therefore, she doesn’t get to interact with other children as much (other than daycare). there has not been anything bad that has happened yet other than a couple of really bad fights between my wife and i but i’m worried that sooner or later, my wife is going to leave pills laying around or something of that nature. it’s just hard to know what’s safe or not because our life is completely different from how i was raised.
i just don’t know if we’re giving my daughter a good life. i don’t want to give her the life my wife had. she’s the innocent one here. i just don’t know what’s right now.

 

[dulcissima]

In answer to your question, yes. Separation can be necessary for reasons like physical and emotional safety of one of the spouses and/or the children. Divorce can also be necessary after separating to protect your legal and financial interests and those of the children. Annulment is really not necessary, but going through the process can help you know where you stand.

With regards to your situation, things do sound terrible. I think that the best thing that you can do is first talk to your priest and second talk to a therapist to help give you the perspective that you will need to either save your marriage or manage the separation in a way that is healthiest and best for all involved.

Praying for you. I know it is not easy.

 

[Norseman82]

OK, I’m not married or a medical specialist, but as an outside observer I notice a couple of things you wrote that stick out:

i don’t want to give her the life my wife had. she’s the innocent one here. i just don’t know what’s right now.

her family is basically non-existent as her parents and sibling suffer from the same issues (migraines/narcotics/etc).

This sounds to me like a medical problem, and one that possibly could “run in the family”. Have you spoken to a physician about this and/or gotten a second opinion? And if it is something that is genetic/“runs in the family”, it is possible that your daughter may be afflicted with it or will be, so please be vigilant about this when having your daughter visit the physician.

Also, even though your family does not get along with your wife, how is their relationship with your daughter?

 

[aggie1344]

yes, it runs in the family (mother, father, siblings). problem is that they all use narcotics to treat them (vicodin,etc). problem with using narcotics is that you have to keep increasing it once it stops working. it’s a never ending cycle. after rehab, good for about a month, then doctor puts you back on it when the migraines get too bad. start all over again.

no, my family loves my daughter. they just don’t think she’s in a safe environment.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

yes, it runs in the family (mother, father, siblings). problem is that they all use narcotics to treat them (vicodin,etc). problem with using narcotics is that you have to keep increasing it once it stops working. it’s a never ending cycle. after rehab, good for about a month, then doctor puts you back on it when the migraines get too bad. start all over again.

no, my family loves my daughter. they just don’t think she’s in a safe environment.

There has been much new research and treatments for migranes. They are serious and extremely painful so I suggest your first get your wife the best care you can. Ask your doctor about new treatments (not just narcotics to dull the pain). Look into clinical trials or special programs that a teaching hospital or clinic near you might have. Migranes have also been linked to certain heart conditions so please ask your doctors about that.

Perhaps your family can keep your child for sometime during the week if they are local, or have her for a short visit if they aren’t. It would be especially good if they could watch her while you take your wife to her dr appointments.

If housework is truly an issue, consider hiring a maid service or even a neighborhood teen to come in every so often to do laundry, etc.–At least make sure you have a cleaned up space for your daughter to play during the day.

Finally, but most importantly, please return to the sacraments. Go to confession and get to Mass every week. The early morning Mass is usually the quietest and quickest, if you are worried about going without your wife. Ask you priest to help you find a therapist who you can see. Your wife will probably need to get her physical health in better shape before she would benefit from a therapist.

I encourage you strongly to do what you can to improve your marriage. I will be praying for your family.

 

[whatevergirl]

MrsSally gives you great advice. I sent you a pm, aggie–you, your wife, and daughter will all be in my Rosary tonight. :hug1:

 

[GhostMan]

I know some of the things you are going through. Not to the deep degree, but enough to know how alone you’re feeling - and overwhelmed.

I feel as though you’ve come here looking for an “out”. You’re desperate, tired, confused and wondering how life got to be this, this thing that consumes your joy.

Well, as much as I’d like to, I can’t give you that out. It’s not that easy.

First, focus on priorities. Your wife needs to see specialists who do not resort to narcotics. They are not really required except in the most extreme conditions. Go to the appointments with her; help her. She may be in too much pain to ask or say the right things. She might not be able to remember all the information he’s giving her.

Second, check diet and habits. Eliminate caffiene, alchohol, chocolate and other trigger foods. Do a web search for a more exhaustive list. Get her eating health foods with a balance of protein, vegetables, fruits and carbs. You may have to cook for a while.

Get her to exercise. Just walking is ok at first. Her body needs to be at its best to fight this. Exercise also helps in other ways.

Now, that was just about your wife. She is important, but so is your daughter. If your wife is withdrawn, or asleep, then your daughter may suffer from a lack of demonstrated love. She might not be getting the hugs, smiles, kisses and other physical forms of affection she needs to develop correctly. She needs you to read to her, play with her, make her smile and laugh. You must be the emotional equivilent of two for her. That’s hard, especially if you only have before and after work. Saturdays should be your Daddy and daughter day. Do special things; take her places, expand her world. Teach her a hobby that is important to you. You must connect and bond with her enough to cover for your wife’s illness.

If you go to the store, take her. If you have to do errands, take her. Be with her at all times when you’re not at work. She needs that time with a parent who’s upright. It adds time to your errands, but they get a whole lot more enjoyable.

It’s not time to bail on this marriage, it’s time to man-up and take control of your life. Start looking at the problems searching for alternatives. Don’t accept the status quo; change what you can.

That which cannot be changed must be endured. Be sure that you’ve done all that you can to change what may be changed before you start enduring, however. Right now don’t sense that is the case.

You’re a father and a husband. Time to figure out what that means. Your daughter may suffer as your wife does. Do you want to condemn her to a life of misery and drug dependance? If you know what helps your wife, you can also help your daughter.

Annulment, to me, is an evil thing. I understand other people have a different opinion, but even those people can’t think it’s a good idea in your situation. Sure, things are hard, but lots of people have hard lots. You can’t just toss up you hands, run away and ask for a “do-over”, though. Stay - commit to staying. Work at it, harder than anything you’ve ever worked at. Be the father your daughter needs. It’s not fun, I agree. You don’t really have a choice, though, unless you want to condemn other people in your own vain attempt to seek happiness.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, I’m not really. I’m trying to encourage you to do what you know you can do and to be there for those who need you. Put away your own desires for a time and be a servant. You might find a reward there you never expected.

 

[Luvs2Learn]

Aggi,

My niece went through a long series of horrible migrains. Her mother took her to over a dozen differnt doctors and physical theripists until a solution was found. She is much better now. Migrains are a serious issue. Your wife really needs you.Please do your best to help her. take her to a different doctor. take her to 1 0 different drs if you have too. Something is causing it. Find a solution. This will save your marriage and help you daughter.