Divorce be the end for my soul?

[AussieSkip]

Hello everyone,

I just wondered if anyone could help me. If I were to divorce my husband due to him being unfaithful, would that be the end for my soul? We have no children, (although was hopeful) and I feel I need to get out of this marriage.

I’m unsure what to do, I know I could speak to our priest who we are close to, but I can’t face it.

Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated as most of my family are not Catholic and I don’t really know where else to turn.

 

[wmscott]

Hello everyone,

I just wondered if anyone could help me. If I were to divorce my husband due to him being unfaithful, would that be the end for my soul? We have no children, (although was hopeful) and I feel I need to get out of this marriage.

I’m unsure what to do, I know I could speak to our priest who we are close to, but I can’t face it.

Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated as most of my family are not Catholic and I don’t really know where else to turn.

First off I’m sorry for your delima.

My advice would to go to the marriage tribunal of your diocese. They will have all of the information you will need to make your decisions and help you at this unfortunate time in your life.

And no it would not be the end of your soul. Trust in Gods mercy.

 

[twopekinguys]

Hello everyone,

I just wondered if anyone could help me. If I were to divorce my husband due to him being unfaithful, would that be the end for my soul? We have no children, (although was hopeful) and I feel I need to get out of this marriage.

I’m unsure what to do, I know I could speak to our priest who we are close to, but I can’t face it.

Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated as most of my family are not Catholic and I don’t really know where else to turn.

Not sure this is the right forum for your question, but, you could always search the “ask the apologist” section. I’m sure that question has been asked numerous times.

 

[protestantinca]

Hello everyone,

I just wondered if anyone could help me. If I were to divorce my husband due to him being unfaithful, would that be the end for my soul? We have no children, (although was hopeful) and I feel I need to get out of this marriage.

I’m unsure what to do, I know I could speak to our priest who we are close to, but I can’t face it.

Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated as most of my family are not Catholic and I don’t really know where else to turn.

I don’t think so. Divorce is always a painful decision. I am divorced myself and I can assure you the experience itself is going to be quite painful even though you don’t have children. So the question is whether you want to go through that pain. Is there any way you could try to make things up with your husband, having an adult, all questions allowed type of conversation?

My denomination (LCMS) doesn’t encourage divorce but permits it in extenuating circumstances such as adultery. At any event, it encourages couples to explore ways of resolution before taking such dramatic step.

With respect to the Catholic position, I have to admit that I always found it a little bit hypocritical. You can get an annulment from the Catholic Church after decades of marriage and having grown up children. In civil jurisdictions, annulments are reserved for things such as non consummated marriages or lying in a material fact by one of the spouses. It is next to impossible to get one’s marriage annulled in civil court. The way the Catholic Church handles annulments is like a parallel system to civilian laws in which what they call “annulment” is in 99.9999% of cases what civil court calls “divorce”.

In short, no, it won’t be the end of your soul but it won’t be an easy ride either.

 

[SteveVH]

With respect to the Catholic position, I have to admit that I always found it a little bit hypocritical. You can get an annulment from the Catholic Church after decades of marriage and having grown up children. In civil jurisdictions, annulments are reserved for things such as non consummated marriages or lying in a material fact by one of the spouses. It is next to impossible to get one’s marriage annulled in civil court. The way the Catholic Church handles annulments is like a parallel system to civilian laws in which what they call “annulment” is in 99.9999% of cases what civil court calls “divorce”.

You are mischaracterizing the Catholic position. A Catholic annulment is not just an approved way of divorcing. The entire point of an annulment is that there was no marriage to begin with. Not sure where you found your information concerning the way in which the Church handles annulments but they do not parallel civil divorce cases.

 

[JamalChristophr]

I think this is one of the hardest things for a woman to forgive and I would think it is one of the most painful things she could ever endure in a marriage. Though men tend to be problem-solvers, my heart goes out to you, and you have every right to mourn and be extremely angry.

Forgiving can only come by at least first asking for the Grace to want to forgive as a starting place.

Maybe some women who have experienced this terrible event can give you some advice. I would say that just because your husband slept with another woman does not mean your chance for a good marriage is over. With God’s Grace, and two willing spouses, it is possible.

 

[MaryT777]

If you are close to your priest I would try and pray for the courage to speak with him first before calling the tribunal. If you file for divorce he will know sooner or later and maybe he could help you both.

May God be with you during this difficult time.

Mary.

 

[protestantinca]

You are mischaracterizing the Catholic position. A Catholic annulment is not just an approved way of divorcing. The entire point of an annulment is that there was no marriage to begin with. Not sure where you found your information concerning the way in which the Church handles annulments but they do not parallel civil divorce cases.

I understand what is the difference between annulment and divorce. All I am saying is that the standard the Catholic Church uses for “annulment” in 99.9999% of cases is the standard that civil courts use for divorce. In civil courts, at least in the United States, is almost impossible to get a marriage annulled because the standard is very high. If the Catholic Church were to apply the same standard, most annulment proceedings would be declined.

So in the Catholic Church, the annulment process is used to “de facto” award what in every other Christian denomination is called “divorce”.

 

[nodito]

Aussieskip,

I am so sorry for the suffering you’ve endured and for your husband’s unfaithfulness.

Is it not possible to reconcile? Have you prayed for the grace to forgive your husband? Have you tried counselling or attending a marriage retreat? Is your husband remorseful? Could you meet with your pastor?

Civil divorce is tolerated under certain limited circumstances (for example, ensuring legal rights or for the protection of children) but a person remains married in the eyes of God even if civilly divorced and should continue to think of himself/herself as a married person. And it really should be an option of last resort, and not just done out of (rightly felt) anger or disgust. You made vows to your husband and to God that you must keep even your husband fails to keep his vows.

Here is what the catechism says:

Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:
…
Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

I hope you find peace and that with God’s grace you are able to sustain your marriage. God bless.

 

[nodito]

All I am saying is that the standard the Catholic Church uses for “annulment” in 99.9999% of cases is the standard that civil courts use for divorce.

Do civil courts have any standards for divorce? I thought that no-fault divorce was the norm. By contrast, the Church assumes marriages are valid unless proven otherwise, and petitioners have to supply testimony and evidence that some essential requirement of marriage was lacking at the time of the wedding in order for the marriage to receive a decree of nullity. They are not nearly as easily obtained as civil divorce decrees are.

 

[protestantinca]

Do civil courts have any standards for divorce? I thought that no-fault divorce was the norm. By contrast, the Church assumes marriages are valid unless proven otherwise, and petitioners have to supply testimony and evidence that some essential requirement of marriage was lacking at the time of the wedding in order for the marriage to receive a decree of nullity. They are not nearly as easily obtained as civil divorce decrees are.

As a matter of practical fact, yes, I believe all states in the US now have “no fault” divorce laws (I think New York state was the last state in the nation to change its divorce laws recently to be “no fault” nytimes.com/2010/08/16/nyregion/16divorce.html?_r=0 ). Speaking of New York state, this is their standard for annulment,

jdbar.com/Articles/grounds-annulment.html

Other states have similar standards for annulment.

The Catholic Church has much lower standards for annulment so that, as a matter of practice, it uses the annulment process to grant “divorces”. You might try to torture the language as much as you want, but that’s what happens. Also, the only time I am aware a high moneyed Catholic was refused an annulment was Henry VIII of England. We all know what happened next.

In short, I haven’t heard of anybody who was unable to annul their marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church if they had the means to hire lawyers experts in cannon law. You can call this the way you want call it, I call it the way Catholics get divorces in the eyes of their church.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

No, it’s not the end of your soul or your life, although you may feel like it at the time. Divorce is very difficult.

Catholic Annulment - the marriage did NOT have the components for it to be a CATHOLIC SACRAMENTAL MARRIAGE.

Until it was explained to me, I was against it.

 

[His_helpmeet]

As a matter of practical fact, yes, I believe all states in the US now have “no fault” divorce laws (I think New York state was the last state in the nation to change its divorce laws recently to be “no fault” nytimes.com/2010/08/16/nyregion/16divorce.html?_r=0 ). Speaking of New York state, this is their standard for annulment,

jdbar.com/Articles/grounds-annulment.html

Other states have similar standards for annulment.

The Catholic Church has much lower standards for annulment so that, as a matter of practice, it uses the annulment process to grant “divorces”. You might try to torture the language as much as you want, but that’s what happens. Also, the only time I am aware a high moneyed Catholic was refused an annulment was Henry VIII of England. We all know what happened next.

In short, I haven’t heard of anybody who was unable to annul their marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church if they had the means to hire lawyers experts in cannon law. You can call this the way you want call it, I call it the way Catholics get divorces in the eyes of their church.

What you’re saying is not true. Our tribunal here handles about 220 cases a year and grants 180 declarations of nullity. There MUST be reasonable grounds for nullity, including:

-Marriage outside the Church without a dispensation
-Intent not to be faithful
-Intent not to be married for life
-Lack of understanding of the nature of marriage
-Intent not to have children
-Lack of valid consent (e.g. getting married only because you were pregnant)
-Being too closely related
-Being underage
-Being already married to someone else

I suspect that the primary reason that most declarations of nullity are granted is that people fall into about 3 or 4 categories:

1. Divorced non-Catholic wishing to marry a Catholic
2. Poorly catechized Catholic who is divorced and wishes to remarry
3. Divorced and remarried non-Catholic wishing to become Catholic
4. (possibly falls under other categories) Non-Catholic married civilly to a non-Catholic, became Catholic, divorced, and wishes to remarry a Catholic

As you can see, in many of these cases we are dealing with people who were not married in the Catholic Church. Consequently, they would not necessarily have had good marriage preparation. (DH falls into my “possible fourth” category; he received a declaration of nullity and we are sacramentally married. He and his ex married civilly and had NO marriage preparation of any kind.) As a result, they may not fully understand the nature of marriage.

If there are NOT reasonable grounds for nullity, a declaration of nullity is NOT granted. Every marriage is considered valid until proven otherwise.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

[T]he only time I am aware a high moneyed Catholic was refused an annulment was Henry VIII of England. We all know what happened next.

In short, I haven’t heard of anybody who was unable to annul their marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church if they had the means to hire lawyers experts in cannon law.

Joseph P. Kennedy II

 

[MaryT777]

As a matter of practical fact, yes, I believe all states in the US now have “no fault” divorce laws (I think New York state was the last state in the nation to change its divorce laws recently to be “no fault” nytimes.com/2010/08/16/nyregion/16divorce.html?_r=0 ). Speaking of New York state, this is their standard for annulment,

jdbar.com/Articles/grounds-annulment.html

Other states have similar standards for annulment.

The Catholic Church has much lower standards for annulment so that, as a matter of practice, it uses the annulment process to grant “divorces”. You might try to torture the language as much as you want, but that’s what happens. Also, the only time I am aware a high moneyed Catholic was refused an annulment was Henry VIII of England. We all know what happened next.

In short, I haven’t heard of anybody who was unable to annul their marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church if they had the means to hire lawyers experts in cannon law. You can call this the way you want call it, I call it the way Catholics get divorces in the eyes of their church.

The original poster is looking for support not your thoughts on the idiocy of the Catholic annulment process in your opinion. Maybe you could start a new thread if you can’t provide prayers or support on this one.

Your post shows limited if any knowledge of the process itself anyways.

Mary.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Hello everyone,

I just wondered if anyone could help me. If I were to divorce my husband due to him being unfaithful, would that be the end for my soul? We have no children, (although was hopeful) and I feel I need to get out of this marriage.

I’m unsure what to do, I know I could speak to our priest who we are close to, but I can’t face it.

Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated as most of my family are not Catholic and I don’t really know where else to turn.

My understanding is that the Church does allow for divorce in situations of abuse, infidelity, or abandonment, IF divorce is necessary for the safety of the spouse and/or children. In short, if your husband is unfaithful you are not necessarily required to live with him, though as a spouse myself I would want to know what prompted the infidelity and if there is something we could do to address the problem. I also strongly suggest that you NOT have intercourse with him unless and until he has a complete check-up to make sure he hasn’t contracted anything in his extra-marital activities.

I also strongly, strongly urge you to meet with your priest for guidance on this matter.

 

[CB_Catholic]

My understanding is that the Church does allow for divorce in situations of abuse, infidelity, or abandonment, IF divorce is necessary for the safety of the spouse and/or children. In short, if your husband is unfaithful you are not necessarily required to live with him, though as a spouse myself I would want to know what prompted the infidelity and if there is something we could do to address the problem. I also strongly suggest that you NOT have intercourse with him unless and until he has a complete check-up to make sure he hasn’t contracted anything in his extra-marital activities.

I also strongly, strongly urge you to meet with your priest for guidance on this matter.

Listen to this person. My friend found out her husband was unfaithful after she came down with a nasty Gonorrhea infection. And then had to be periodically tested for AIDS.

 

[TheDoctor]

I just wondered if anyone could help me. If I were to divorce my husband due to him being unfaithful, would that be the end for my soul? We have no children, (although was hopeful) and I feel I need to get out of this marriage.

I’m unsure what to do, I know I could speak to our priest who we are close to, but I can’t face it.

Hi AussieSkip and welcome to the Forums.

Let’s take this slowly. First, I am deeply sorry that your husband has hurt you so. You are in my prayers.

The Church does not permit divorce for a valid, sacramental marriage, except for one very narrow exception (see the section from the Catechism I **bolded **below):2383 The *separation *of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177
**If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense. **
Even if you got a civil divorce, you are still sacramentally married and may not date or remarry without getting the marriage annulled.

Best case? You reconcile.
Second best case? You apply for and get the marriage annulled.
Third best case? You cannot get the marriage annulled and live separate married lives.

In none of these cases would your soul be in jeopardy as long as you followed the teachings of the Church and your Priest.

By the way, worst case? Blindly listening to folks on the internet. Even here.

My advice? Make an appointment to see your Priest, spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament then go talk it out with him.

 

[Vico]

Hello everyone,

I just wondered if anyone could help me. If I were to divorce my husband due to him being unfaithful, would that be the end for my soul? We have no children, (although was hopeful) and I feel I need to get out of this marriage.

I’m unsure what to do, I know I could speak to our priest who we are close to, but I can’t face it.

Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated as most of my family are not Catholic and I don’t really know where else to turn.

Canon law shows how it is handled, CIC:**Can. 1151 **
Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1152
§1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.
§2. Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.
§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

**Can. 1153 **
§1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.
§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

Can. 1154
After the separation of the spouses has taken place, the adequate support and education of the children must always be suitably provided.

Can. 1155
The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.

 

[Brendan]

I understand what is the difference between annulment and divorce. All I am saying is that the standard the Catholic Church uses for “annulment” in 99.9999% of cases is the standard that civil courts use for divorce. In civil courts, at least in the United States, is almost impossible to get a marriage annulled because the standard is very high. If the Catholic Church were to apply the same standard, most annulment proceedings would be declined.

So in the Catholic Church, the annulment process is used to “de facto” award what in every other Christian denomination is called “divorce”.

No in divorce, the civil authorities, or other Christian denomination, recognize that there WAS a marriage, and that marriage has now ended.

In an annulment, there was no marriage to begin with.

Civil Law looks to see if a valid civil contract was made, nothing more. If the civil contract was valid and then terminated, that is a divorce. You are correct that the civil contract is hardly ever annulled, as the bar to validity is so low.

That is not necessarily true of a Sacramental marriage.

Imagine if a civil marriage law required that a Catholic entering signing this contract was legally obligated to sign the marriage license in front of a Catholic priest. And if a couple did not meet that legal requirement, a civil annulment would actually be very easy to obtain.

The legal requirement for entering into the contract were not met, ergo, no marital contract.

The same is true from a spiritual sense. If the spiritual ‘conditions’ were not met, there was no joining of the couple in the eyes of God. No sacramental marriage exists.

But unlike civil authorities, God did not grant man the ability to sever a valid marriage. In fact, He specifically FORBADE it. Ergo, while the civil bonds of a valid marriage may be separated, the spiritual bonds remain